I don't want my friend to see my house

[CrossCountryWoosh]

I bought a house 20 years ago. There ended up being a lot of unexpected work, bad workmen, and life happened, babies, relationships ended, wage cuts and health challenges all of which mean that the house is still an absolute mess. Stuff I did manage to do eg a new kitchen now need replacing. Last year I finally got enough money to replaster my bedroom after living with bare bricks/half plastered for 20 years. I was so excited! Still no carpet but it was nicely decorated. Only now the wallpaper needs to come down because it's got mould.
Now the boiler is on its last legs so that needs replacing before I can look to decorate my bedroom again. You get the idea.
I know I am lucky to have a house that is safe and affordable but I'm ashamed that it's such a state. My 15 year old son won't have friends round because of it. Admittedly he reckons that all his friends have their own private balconies and live in 7 bed houses so I would never live up to his expectations anyway! FYI his room has always been prioritised.
So now an old friend is coming over from abroad for work. She wants to visit me while she's in the country. She keeps pushing to see my house. I have said absolutely no to her staying here to try to put her off but she has been sending me links to local hotels. I'd love to see her but I don't want her to see how we have to live. I have stayed with her a couple of times for holidays so I do feel unreasonable. I have said the house is a work in progress but she doesn't care and has been very clear she wants a nosey. That would be fine if my house was scruffy but had carpets, door handles and walls that weren't chipped and curtains that haven't been ripped by the dog...
It's clean and tidy but still so, so embarrassing.
I'm doing my best but finances, energy and everytime I do something it never works out.

Firstly, your 15 year old son with an entitled attitude needs a reality check and at that age is old enough to help you with some of the works. YouTube is full of useful videos and he could learn some key skills. For the comments he's made I'd be putting him to work to help you.

Secondly, your friend is likely wondering what the hesitation is about and as you've stayed with her she probably just wants that to be reciprocated. Be honest and frank with her, house isn't in a good enough state for visitors but she's welcome to visit during her stay and I'd also offer to pay her accommodation charge too.

You have your priorities wrong. You stayed with her and you won't even let her see your house. Don't you think that will paint you in a worse light than the state of your house?

I’ll be honest and say can you use this as a time to get things together?? It sounds a bit to me like you are someone who maybe struggles to get round to things…
For starters- you could go to charity shops over the next couple of weeks and buy curtains, cushion covers. You could get some cheap rugs from ikea; and some white paint -
just start somewhere in one room. Put up some pictures, some shelves. Give yourself a timeline of say a few weeks and write a plan per room with timings. Great opportunity for your son to learn some skills aswell. Even if you know the boiler needs replacing - you can’t do that now so leave it and just carry on. You deserve a nice place to live and imagine how lovely it would be for your son to want his friends round and you all enjoy a lovely home. Don’t let it beat you op- you can absolutely make positive changes in a short time xox

An up vote for give your friend a heads up about your house and then be a warm host. Yes, you don't want her to see it but you should let her come and stay anyway.

I think it's ok to explain the house is not in a state for visitors, and hopefully she'll understand.

DRFT but as far as I am concerned, there is only one thing that matters here, and that's that you don't want guests. Whether a guest has hosted you in their home before now or not is irrelevant - this is how you feel about your home. It's not as if you're not willing to host them in other ways when they visit.

I minded of my best friend telling me of a friend of her husband's who'd just bought a brand new house on the same street as where I was living at that time...my house was one of a hundred or so identical houses thrown up in one place in the 1960s; their was one of two new houses squeezed in on a plot of land that had only recently been sold off.

They'd been to see this friend soon after they moved in, and I was keen to know what the house was like.

"Oh, we didn't get a tour" she said, casually, "they're not that type. We were just taken straight into the lounge. We didn't see anywhere else". Stupid as it sounds, it was actually one of life's learning curves, to hear that some folks are just not as open to visitors as others. I respect this so much, and so should your friend, OP.

I agree with the person saying maybe you could start tackling some bits, regardless of whether your friend comes over. I think it's a bit off that she said she wants a nosey around when you've told her you're not comfortable. But if it's not good enough for a friend to pop by, how has it been good enough for your child to live in? I'd prioritise a nice environment for my child over a friend. Your child can't be confined to their bedroom their entirechildhood, and its already been 15 years.

I also bought a reno project and have been through hell whilst trying to fix it up so I know how difficult it is to DIY, exhausted, in pain, doing projects on a shoestring. Pick a job, say the curtains, and get it done. People are giving away these things for free. Fill the wall chips, a tub of filler and a sheet of sanding paper is £10, someone local might even have leftovers. Why do you need to wait for the boiler to remove peeling wallpaper? Your friends visit could be a wake up call to get these cheap or free jobs done.

It's horrible to suggest her child is rude and entitled for being too embarrassed to bring friends round when OP themselves is also too embarrassed to have a friend round. She didn't say it's one room, or one normal period of time, she said it's had bare plaster, chipped walls, no door handles, no flooring, ripped curtains, "an absolute mess" and "such a state" since she bought it 20 years ago, so her child is not wrong in not wanting friends over FFS.

If decor is a bit tired then it's a pride issue and I'd get over that to reciprocate the friendship and hospitality the friend has shown having them to stay.

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice has an excellent suggestion.

Strip the mouldy wallpaper off (so it looks more like a work in progress again), and start buying door handles, one a month if necessary.

That would be a start and make you feel you're making progress.

As for friend, as PPs have said - all she'll care about is whether it's warm and clean.

I think it can get overwhelming and not know where to start when you don't know how to do the work yourself.
I'm also a single mum with not a lot of money to spare, so I've learned how to do a lot myself watching YouTube videos. I can fix wall dings and skirting boards; do caulking and grout; paint walls/trim/ceilings and closets; put up shelves and put up/remove curtain rods. It might not sound impressive to someone who does it for a living, but I can now do a pretty good job and have saved myself tonnes.
You can, too @CrossCountryWoosh

Nope, I disagree with most. She doesn't get to see your home if you feel you are too embarrassed to show it to her. Some friends from abroad truly don't live in the same world and will not understand.

Don't put yourself up to such judgment. Your feelings matter. And a little mystery is a good thing.

Just tell her that you'd love to meet up, but your house really is still such a work in progress that you'd be much more comfortable meeting up away from home.

Thanks all.
It does seem like so many small things in isolation but adding up is just so overwhelming and awful.
The boiler is an absolute priority so I don't have any money to get even cheap paint or cheap carpets. When I got the boiler fitted, he left a huge hole in the ceiling for the flue. He said he would fix it later but didn't and the ex didn't make him. Now I have absolutely no idea how to sort it. I think it needs plaster board but the plasterer shrugged when I asked. So when I get the new boiler I'm going to lock the plumber in the room until he sorts the hole.
Besides, I can't get carpets without dealing with the bare plaster (otherwise I know, I'll end up damaging the carpet) but we have a double ceiling above the stairs and I just don't know how to reach that to paint it. The plaster guy had to get scaffolding.
We have really high ceilings and a huge bay which means that curtains are VERY hard to come by unless they are custom made which I just cant afford. Our local Facebook group occasionally has someone selling/giving them away but I always miss them.
By decorate my room, I just mean that I will be pulling down the wallpaper this weekend but won't be able to even paint the bare wall.
It's a victirian terrace so damp is an issue anyway. Plus the fan in the bathroom is broken which really doesn't help. Unfortunately the fan is not a standard size and I'm struggling to find something that fits. The bathroom was completely replaced a few years ago but shoddy workmen mean that there are various issues that I can't get fixed. We can't leave a window open because it's a downstairs bathroom.
I have a dehumidifier upstairs and one downstairs and try to always have at least one running.
I can't put a door handle back on because the issue is that the frame needs replacing but if I pull off the frame, it will damage the wall. Better to have no door handle at the moment.
The problem is that due to medical issues, I can't drive so it's not just a case of getting a bag of plaster. I can't ask people to drive me around B&Q but neither do I have option of getting a couple of bags of plaster delivered.
My house isn't grand BTW. It's a small 2 up 2 down (well, 2 up, 3 down to be soecific) but has Victorian proportions so when I talk about double height ceilings and big bays, that's why.

I've decided that I won't have her over. I was upset writing that last night and decided that I'm not going to put myself through that.
I will suggest we go for a weekend away somewhere instead. I just need to figure out how to tell her she isn't invited into my home without insulting her.
My son is just being a 15 year old. I try not to let my feelings show in front of him and point out that he is lucky to have somewhere safe, his own room etc. and he does realise that.

And the question about the dog on the curtains is just that he jumped up because he was excited about something, caught one and pulled the curtain rail down over him. He ripped them because he started panicking before I could get it off him. I have repaired them as well as I can but it's still very obvious even when opened.

The main thing is that it's clean and tidy. When I visit my friend who isn't tidy as she is mega disorganised and has a house full she apologises and I really don't care. It's clean though. If the kitchen and bathrooms are clean it always helps. I say I'm here to see you not your house.
If you don't have her over you may lose your friendship. If you do have her over and she judges you then she isn't a true friend anyway.
I'd rather stay in a bit of a dishevelled house than a perfect house as would make me feel uncomfortable.
You could explain why you're not happy for her to stay but I don't think you'll get out if inviting her over without causing a problem.
Once you've had a couple of drinks neither of you will care anyway!

I have vote yanbu but your feelings are the opposite of mine. My house is scruffy. Yours sounds like you are actually working on it, it's a bit of building site. And that to me is far more preferable to being in a house that needs everything to be updated. Our kitchen needs complete replacement our oven door is smashed. Our boiler has been condemned and there is a hole in the living room carpet from a mouse. But when it is tidy I am happy to have friends round. If your kitchen and bathroom are clean and you have somewhere for your friend to sit let her visit - even if she is just picking you up to go on elsewhere. I promise the house looks worse to you than to anyone else.

I have friends living in vastly different circumstances and, honestly, I am much more comfortable visiting a house in disarray than one of my friend's newbuilt townhouse with multiple bedrooms decorated in regency style and spotless kitchen. It just makes me feel inadequate. My aunt bought a farmhouse which they have been fixing for the last 4 years. For the first two they had no toilet and no kitchen. There was a little biotoilet bucket in the shed and all life happened in the living room which had floor painted in poopy brown and wallpaper from the 1970s. It was cosy and fun and you could sink into a second-hand couch with dogs around you without worrying about being prim and proper.
Your friend wants to see you, the state of your house is irrelevant. And it costs nothing to take your ripped curtains down and just have a clean window with a couple of houseplants on display.

I wouldn't waste money on a weekend away that could go so much further in the place that you and your child live everyday. If there are so many problems, it's gone on for 2 decades, and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight with lists of issues that lead to more issues, might it be better to sell up and move to something within budget?

My house isn’t in good shape either and I feel the same as you.

However, if you haven’t got money for paint and door handles I wouldn’t waste money on a weekend away to keep her from your house. Could you arrange to show her around your town? So take her for a walk in the park? Or out for a coffee? Or see places of interest or out for a cheap meal? Because that might be cheaper than a weekend away.

You could say you are staying with family as you are having some work done to your house so she can’t see the house at the moment. Or say you are staying with family because you’ve had mice in your house and it’s being fumigated. Or just tell her the truth?

I would genuinely, really love to know how people are selling houses in need of renovation and getting enough money to buy something ready to move into.
Is there some secret I don't know?
It's a 2 bed bed so it's not like we could go smaller.
I would really love to move.

My mortgage is up next year. I was hoping to pay my mortgage off completely in 5 years but I think I'm going to have to extend it so I have enough to finish the house to a certain standard that doesn't make me (and my son) ashamed.

I feel like I've failed though. 20 years should have been long enough to have at least got the house presentable even if it's very basic and the roof hasn't been replaced etc.

Anyway. Enough navel gazing. Thank you for your comments and helping me to clarify my thoughts.
I won't be having her round and I won't be staying at hers again in the future because that is very rude when I can't/won't reciprocate. I've stayed twice in the last 25 years so it's not like I take advantage anyway.
She keeps saying she wants to see the house specifically. She will keep pushing to see it if she is in the vicinity so showing her the city isn't an option.
She is coming to the UK for a wedding so set dates. I think I'll just have to be working away on those days. It makes me sad that I won't see her but the idea of her seeing my house is worse.
Yes, I know I need to come up with a plan (and money) to sort the house.

It’s such a shame you’re both embarrassed. Can you start doing things on a budget?

TikTok is bursting with people sorting houses out with low budgets. It’s a great place for ideas and motivation.

If you can't afford a pot of paint then you certainly can't afford a weekend away

There isnt much point running dehumidifiers if the bathroom extractor or windows do not fit. Get the house sealed properly and then it should be possible to finally get the house drier for decorating. That should be your priority.

Go round every room and make a list of what needs doing. Breaking it down stops it feeling so overwhelming. Start on the living room so you and your son have at least one nice room together. Even plain white walls can brighten your mood and creates a feeling of wellbeing.

Pay extra for decent workmen rather that cheap fb conmen. Ask neighbours or the local Nextdoor online group for recommendations.

If your windows are too big/expensive then can you ask a local seamstress/hobbyist to make you some, or get yourself a 2nd hand sewing machine?

This.