I don't want my friend to see my house

[CrossCountryWoosh]

I bought a house 20 years ago. There ended up being a lot of unexpected work, bad workmen, and life happened, babies, relationships ended, wage cuts and health challenges all of which mean that the house is still an absolute mess. Stuff I did manage to do eg a new kitchen now need replacing. Last year I finally got enough money to replaster my bedroom after living with bare bricks/half plastered for 20 years. I was so excited! Still no carpet but it was nicely decorated. Only now the wallpaper needs to come down because it's got mould.
Now the boiler is on its last legs so that needs replacing before I can look to decorate my bedroom again. You get the idea.
I know I am lucky to have a house that is safe and affordable but I'm ashamed that it's such a state. My 15 year old son won't have friends round because of it. Admittedly he reckons that all his friends have their own private balconies and live in 7 bed houses so I would never live up to his expectations anyway! FYI his room has always been prioritised.
So now an old friend is coming over from abroad for work. She wants to visit me while she's in the country. She keeps pushing to see my house. I have said absolutely no to her staying here to try to put her off but she has been sending me links to local hotels. I'd love to see her but I don't want her to see how we have to live. I have stayed with her a couple of times for holidays so I do feel unreasonable. I have said the house is a work in progress but she doesn't care and has been very clear she wants a nosey. That would be fine if my house was scruffy but had carpets, door handles and walls that weren't chipped and curtains that haven't been ripped by the dog...
It's clean and tidy but still so, so embarrassing.
I'm doing my best but finances, energy and everytime I do something it never works out.

Honestly, it seems to be impossible getting any workmen lately. No one seems to want the work! Or rather they'd prefer to do small jobs that pay better per hour than big jobs.

The bathroom guy came VERY highly recommended from trusted sources. Even those people were shocked at what he did.

Some of the stuff eg installing central heating had to be done based purely on budget because we didnt expect it.

We were also very niave with some of the workmen. We trusted them to take pride in their work when they clearly didn't. This, combined with budget constraints at times mean that we have things like water pipes going over floor joists instead of under them which then means we can't put flooring down properly. That is in a cupboard so although it pisses me off everytime I see it, it's way down on the list of things to fix.

I also learned afterwards that my ex would just accept it if they said something wasn't possible eg when the gas fire was removed the man originally left the bit of pipe sticking up out if the floor and my ex believed him when he said that he couldn't do anything about that. I did get the man back to sort that but after that he didn't turn up for the future agreed work. But my ex's acceptance (and my lack of checking) means there are bodges, like the hole for the flue.

Long and convoluted story but I basically have 2 free nights at a hotel chain so the weekend away could be done on the cheap. I will stick to my original plan and use them to surprise my son on his birthday though.

I would get an estate agent round and try and sell it now if I were you. These all seem like big, expensive problems to you and that’s because you’re a single mum with a very tight budget and no DIY skills. To someone more practical or with £10k in the bank these could all be done within a few weeks of buying your house.

If you haven’t managed to sort the house out in 20 years then you’re never going to be able to in order to make it perfect to sell, let’s be honest.

You live in a Victorian, period property. They are valued higher than new builds.

If I were you, I’d cut my losses, accept defeat, sell the house in its current condition and buy a 2 bed new build.

Life is too short to have this hanging over you and your son’s heads. You deserve to live somewhere where you are more than comfortable and happy.

To be honest I don't think there's any excuse to live like that for 20 years. There are plenty of inexpensive ways to DIY in order to have a home looking presentable. How sad for your son.

Unless you live in a terrible part of town, a victorian property with a huge bay window will sell for more than enough to buy a less characterful, newer property of comparable size.

Don't know about round your way, but here the bay windows, original features, high ceilings come at a premium. For less than the price of a tiny Victorian terrace with a downstairs lean to bathroom you can get a more modern house that's much less characterful but maybe a bit bigger, certainly a lot warmer, much easier and cheaper to maintain. I bet someone will pay a premium for your house for all the original features and high ceilings. It might be worth a lot more than you think - get some valuations in its current state and ask the agents what you should do before selling. I wouldn't be surprised if they say virtually nothing, just fix the bathroom door. People get excited by a project. (I know you prob won't do this, because you don't want to let anyone see it, but genuinely I think you might be surprised by how others see it. Missing carpet = buyers can coo over the original floorboards, bare walls = no hidden surprises with the plastering.)

PP's suggestion of getting your 15 year old cracking on some of the basics like painting is not ridiculous. I suspect you don't have the bandwidth for it at the moment, but at least the suggestion might damp down his criticism a bit!

Do you need professionals for everything? I understand how much easier it’d be to have someone else do the job but like you, a lot of us couldn’t afford it.

I have stripped wallpaper, painted and re-wallpapered my house loads of times! Paste the wall paper is a godsend. Had never done it before.

I have also completely changed the look of my kitchen with Frenchic paint on the cupboard doors and fablon/dc fix on the worktops.

You're capable of more than you think! Regardless of what happens with this visit, have a crack at some of it!

@thejoyofnc I do agree.
However ome example... a few months ago the bottom of a plasterboard wall was always wet. I couldn't figure out why but couldn't dry it. There are no pipes anywhere near there and it's a concrete floor. I've cut away the plaster to see what was going on in the wall. All of the floor on the inside of the wall is wet. I have no idea why. The only way I can find out is by removing the plasterboard. This means either pulling out kitchen cupboards (which won't survive being put back in afterwards) or pulling down a (recently completed!) fully tiled wall on the other side. Then fixing whatever nightmare is going on and rebuilding the wall. So right now, there is a hole in the plaster covered with cardboard while I have a cry and decide what to do about it.
This is what happens with this house.

Your friend probably won't judge you harshly if you tell her how you feel. If she is a true friend you will know.

It won’t help the bigger jobs but join Freegle. You would be surprised the things people give away. You might find someone giving away decent curtains and other things that will help make it look more homely. Some people give away surplus building materials like plaster too.

I understand op...it depends on what sort of person she is. I have friends who wouldn't judge...but I also have a friend who can be utterly vile and judgemental about anyone who lives in less than a show home. I don't invite her round anymore after she expressed horror at the fact my toddlers sippy cup was in a glass cupboard in my kitchen and could therefore be seen.

@glamiss no original features. The previous owners ripped them all out.
It's a cheap house anyway.
Really the only way to get something cheaper is to move to the other side of the city. As I've said previously, I don't drive because of medical reasons so that just wouldn't be possible with school, work etc. Buses are expensive and unreliable and what is a 10min walk right now to a hobby would take over an hour on a bus each way. Plus, the cheaper areas are dodgy!

It's worth researching the ECO4 government scheme for a new boiler amougst other things!!

@largestlegocollectionever I've looked into schemes in the past and never been eligible. I can't remember why but thank you for prompting me to look again. Fingers crossed I will be now!

Harsh, but I think someone had to say it. I grew up in a house like this and it was utterly miserable. I never let my mum know of course, but it's really never left me. There's a weird shame that comes over me whenever I have guests around no matter how lovely my home is now.
My mum is ace, literally the best mum in the world, so don't think I'm bashing you as a parent, but even if things are falling apart, you can still make it a home. For your sake as much as your sons. My mum gave up years ago and I haven't been home in 20+ years. It's sad. Don't let it come to that.

I literally couldn't tell you what any of the door knobs look like in anyone's home I know. I don't think I've ever noticed them.

Ripped curtains are an easy fix.

The problems like the wet wall sound like you need someone in to give their opinion on what's causing it so you know what's needed to stop it happening.

OP, you say 'All of the floor on the inside of the wall is wet. I have no idea why. The only way I can find out is by removing the plasterboard. This means either pulling out kitchen cupboards (which won't survive being put back in afterwards) or pulling down a (recently completed!) fully tiled wall on the other side. If you've recently had a wall tiled, would that be in a bathroom or kitchen? If so, is it possible that a pipe in that wall could be leaking, and because the water cant escape through the tiles the other side, it's coming through the plasterboard? Are you on metered water? If so, make sure you have absolutely NO water running, ie, no washing machine going, toilets being flushed, etc. then take a look at your meter, and if there is little dial type thing moving, it will mean that you have a leak, in which case you really need to get it sorted, as not only is it damaging your home, but is also costing you money through wasted water.

Can I also ask please, whereabouts in the country you live?

OP boilers can be paid to British Gas using an interest free loan paid off gradually over several years, you don’t have to pay for it all upfront

@roastdinnersmellsnice the wall is an intermal wall between a kitchen and tiled hall. There is literally no water anywhere near it on either side or above it. Concrete floor. No washing machine, boiler, pipes etc. The only thing I can think of is that it is either the tap a few cabinets away has a leak behind the cabinets and it's running along the uneven floors or it is somehow coming in from outside but I can't see anything on the outside.

Oh dear, it does rather sound like it might be the tap then. You didn't mention whether you're on a water meter??

No meter so I can't see whether we are loosing water. The kitchen window was replaced on 2023 so I'm wondering as well if that might be a reason but it's only now showing. Sigh.

Op have you got floor boards? If so why not rip out nasty carpets and either sand and varnish floors or paint them. Rugs. Instant grogeousness and much healthier.

Well apart from all the other reasons I've listed, the floorboards are not in a showable state. Fireplaces were removed and the hearths filled badly with concrete (before my time) so we have that. Also, the layout was changed considerably (again before me) so the floorboards go off in all sorts of directions in every room and are interspaced with chipboard.
Flooring currently consists of:
Hall - concrete. Only option is lino type stuff because the doors won't open if we use anything else because of how high the level is and the floor being concave.
Lounge- laminate. I hate it and it's old and tatty but it is what it is and needs to stay.
Dining room - same laminate but unfinished. There is a step into the kitchen and the way I had planned to finish the lino just didn't work so I've no idea how to do it and now the edge is all worn and it's a case of having to redo the whole lot.
Kitchen- god knows. Under the visible tile. There is some sort of laminate (but possibly only in some places?) then I think a level of screed/thin concrete and then at least another layer of lino but I think 2. Where I can see the bottom layer/s of lino I'm certain it will have asbestos. The tiles are chipped. In one place so much that I've had to put concrete in and the floor is so uneven. I can't pull up the tiles because I don't want to disturb whatever is happening under them especially the asbestos. I think the only option is another layer of screed and then lino. The bathroom is off the kitchen so I have no idea how I will set any sort of levelling layer. Plus it will end up being a fairly thick layer of screed which means the kitchen kickboards will need to be removed.
Bathroom - nice tiles! Yay! There is a step into the bathroom from the kitchen. Again though, the (highly recommended!) workman was coming up with all sorts of reasons why he couldn't tile the step. Because he couldn't be bothered with cutting the tiles. Again, my ex was willing to accept his excuses and let him get away with leaving a few inches of the floor untiled! Luckily I realised what was happening and it was fully tiled before he was paid.
I had to replace the stairs so they are plane mdf. Partly painted before I realised how slippery they would be. They need carpeting.
Upstairs hall - chipboard. There were issues with the joists so the floorboards had to come up and wouldn't fit back down.
My room - plane scruffy floorboards. They have that black paint around the edges where there would have been a rug in the middle which I quite like. In fairness these could possibly be made pretty with enough time and skill. I do not have the energy for this so I will get carpet.
Sons room- laminate as downstairs.

Replace "plane" with "plain". I'm sorry! I'm very tired.

Your house, your rules. You need to say no and shut down the conversation when she tries to push again. It doesn't matter whether she would be judgemental or not, what matters is how it would make you feel and you are clearly feeling some anxiety about it. She has no right to put pressure on you and force that sense of anxiety upon you.

It sounds like there are lots of changes that need to be made to the house but you know that already, and it wouldn't help to have somebody coming and making comments about it.

I think we've more or less moved past the point of your original thread now OP, and those that have read your post in full, just want to suggest ideas to help. From your latest update, I think that those that have suggested that you just try and sell your house as is, might be right, so would it really hurt to get an agent in to give you a valuation, even if you're embarrassed for them to see it, you need never see the same agent again, and at least then you'll know for sure, whether there is any chance of selling it and buying something cheaper. I know you say there isn't anything cheaper, but what about a flat, might that be worth thinking about?

You said that you might perhaps be eligible for some grants now OP, you also mentioned some health problems, might you be eligible for some benefits that you haven't applied for?

I did ask whereabouts in the country you live but you didn't respond, the reason I asked, is that in some areas there are community organisations, that take in things like part pots of paint, used timber, and stuff like that, and then sell them off really cheaply to encourage recycling. I just did a quick search and found this website, you might like to take a look, and then perhaps see if there's anything in your area that could help. https://communityrepaint.org.uk/the-uks-paint-reuse-network Also, it might be worth checking places like Freecycle to see if anyone is giving away stuff that you could use to improve your home, and of course if you put a 'Wanted Ad' on Freecycle for things like paint, I think it highly likely you'd get lots of offers from people who've bought too much and don't want to store it. Maybe you could get your son interested in helping paint etc., if you're not well enough to do it yourself? As far as replacing your kitchen units, again, it's worth looking out for second hand kitchens, as lots of people change a perfectly good kitchen, when they move into a new house, simply because the one that's there, isn't to their taste. I hope if nothing else, I've given you some ideas.