Can I just do what I want for my Birthday?

[wediblinooo]

My birthday was last weekend, (mid 40s, I'm used to them by now, nothing special, it wasn't a 'big one' or anything). I wanted to go out with my partner to the local pub. My mother called me in tears yesterday because I didn't invite my parents, saying that I always used to enjoy family birthdays and that she doesn't like my BF and thinks he is trying to isolate me.

Just a bit of back story, I DID always used to like family birthdays when it was a 'big' occasion, my parents, brother, SIL, partner etc. Three years ago however my DB and SIL had a baby and they stopped inviting me to family events. I would always go to family events with my dog, and they didn't want him around the baby. Fine, but rather than telling me this, they just stopped inviting me to family events. I would still go up and visit them (I had never taken my dog to their house) and because of this I wasn't aware that there was an issue. Me and partner just stopped being invited.

I was devastated when the penny finally dropped that we were being cut out. But their baby, their home their rules. Fine. So knowing I wouldn't ever have the whole family for dinner, I would prefer it to me just me and BF. All my parents talk about is my niece, which I find just completely tone deaf, and quite frankly a little dull. There seemed to be no interest in what I wanted to do- just my mum being upset that she missed out on an outing. Usually I am happy to take them out and include them, but on this time, I just wanted something local where we could get a taxi home and have a bottle of wine to celebrate, rather than driving round to them.

My brother and SIL used to be what made family events fun, if they aren't part of the picture anymore, and my parents haven't made effort to reconcile us am I in the wrong here? And isn't sobbing down the phone and having a complete meltdown taking things a bit far?

But they did this without telling OP that the issue was the dog. They didn't give her the chance to leave the dog at home, they just excluded her wholesale!

Your brother and his wife sound like absolute arseholes, so I'd go nc with them.

Your mum obviously prioritises your brother over you (would her reaction have been the same if it was you that had the child and they had the dog?- I suspect not)..... I'd take a huge step back from your mum, and start putting yourself first x

They didn't say to anyone it was because of my dog! They would just ask is wediblinooo coming? And then say because of baby they rather just stop in and see how things go and doing a flying visit and change plans etc. It was only after about 14 months my parents realised the dog was an issue, and so my parents stopped issuing joint invites and at 2 years I found out.

Anyway. This is a by the by. The question was can't I just go to the pub for my birthday for a quiet dinner with my partner.

Actually, they didn't. They said they weren't going themselves if OP (and her dog) were going. It wasn't their decision to leave OP out, it was whoever was hosting/organising the event.

It does seem odd to me that OP wasn't simply asked to leave her dog at home. I do wonder why everyone chose to do that rather than talk to her.

OP would you have happily left your dog behind if asked without question? Or would you make a big drama about it and fall out with everyone?

Your mother has a bit of cheek accusing you BF of trying to isolate you from your family, when effectively she's been doing (along with B and SIL) that by not inviting you to events, and not telling you why so you can sort it.

Either way, they didn't let her know there was an issue, so she couldn't do anything about it, which I think is really unfair!

I'm 34 and I'm still at the stage of having to plan something for the whole family on my birthday because they get pissed off if I don't.

I need to learn to stand up for myself. All I want to do on my birthday is go out somewhere with DP and then chill in the evening - not entertain people!

The way to do it is to do it

Anyway. This is a by the by. The question was can't I just go to the pub for my birthday for a quiet dinner with my partner.

It's not really 'by the by' though, is it? Of course you can do whatever you want for your birthday, but there's all this undealt with bad-feeling behind this situation. You seem unwilling to address it fully.

I've never really cared about whether the dog comes with me or not! He never came to my Brother's home because it was a London flat, he came to my parents because they missed having a dog and enjoyed walking him after Sunday lunch. I spend a lot of time with my dog, I need him for work, so I do like to give him break and leave him at home when I can.

I certainly would've asked why I was being asked to do something different- I think that's just curiosity, if something changes or we're asked to do something different we all ask why don't we?

How do you know it is the dog that is the issue if no one has specifically said that though?

Are you sure it's not because of your partner? If they are isolating you because of the dog issue, why would your mum be so convinced that it is your partner that is isolating you and not the other way round?

I'm not saying any of it is right, but it sounds like none of you can communicate to save your lives! How long have you been with your partner?

You are not being unreasonable to do what you want on your birthday. But I don't think your brother and sister in law are unreasonable not wanting a dog at family events either, neither would i. Though they are unreasonable not to tell you what the issue was
It all sounds unnecessarily dramatic due to lack of communication.

birthdays are for children...

I agree, @sandyhappypeople - OP’s mum doesn’t seem to like the boyfriend, so o wonder if that’s a factor.

I wouldn’t necessarily want a dog around a baby or toddler either, so if their perception is that OP and dog are a package deal, choosing to come separately to see your parents is a practical option.

It doesn’t sound like they instructed your parents not to invite you, precisely, more that they avoided coming and your mum spotted the pattern and talked to them about it.

You talk about your niece as Boring, so that might be part of it as well - they get that you aren’t that fussed about their baby and they are not happy to be with your dog.

Families sometimes hit phases of being very much out of synch. Then life moves forward and things change again.

Do whatever you like on your own birthday and don’t read too much into the rest of it.

If it mattered that much why didn't your mum arrange something for your birthday? YANBU. Tell her to get over herself.

People don’t stop having birthdays at the age of 18.

Children’s lives are full of celebrations of their achievements, progression to the next school class, getting a good mark or a swimming certificate.

Adults are lucky to get one day that’s about them. Birthdays are it.

So they are not excluding you from family events, just choosing to see you and your brother separately? Or are they only seeing him+family but not you?

Very odd behaviour from your brother, I agree, but you seem to be blaming your parents for it, which is unfair.

Your family very clearly have serious communication issues. If you genuinely are the kind of person who is fine if their dog can't come (and we all know there are loads of people who are NOT okay with that), then your DB was really poorly behaved not to just say something. Ditto, when he started asking your parents nto to invite you or refusing to com eif you were there, why didn't they ask him? So yes, very bad communication (which might even be worse if it turns out the dog is NOT the issue, they're just using that as an excuse. )

Meanwhile, this poor communication and slightly odd expectations are a problem again with your birthday. Surely if your mum wanted to see you for your birthday she'd have said somethign in advance, asked what you were doing etc. Similarly, surely it would have come up from you, "Argh, it's 43 this year. Not doing anything big. BF and I are going to go to the pub, drink to much and get a cab home - but perhaps we can have some cake when I next come up to yours? I'll bring my favourite chocolate mousse cake".

I mea, these are all fairly normal communication points for a family that, by th esounds of things, generally spend a decent amount of time together.

That's an opinion, not a fact.

Do you and your adult nearest and dearest not do anything for each other's birthdays?

She said she'd be fine leaving the dog at home. They didn't tell her the dog was the issue, so how was she supposed to know? She's not psychic.

If that was genuinely the case don’t you think that one or two of the multiple other family members involved would have said “no Luna this time please” and that’d have been it? It sounds like it’s not just OP’s parents, brother and SIL but wider family too. There will be a reason why none of them felt comfortable asking her, whether OP realises that or not.

Anyway she knows what the problem is now, so why not plan a birthday meal at the pub with everyone and not the dog? Her mum’s obviously upset about the continued family rift between her children rather than a pub meal specifically.

Not everyone likes dogs, especially around babies. I wouldn’t.

This is what sounds improbable to me to be honest, why would they not tell her about the dog? I think it's pretty common for new parents to not want to be around dogs that aren't their own, the parents not talking to OP about it seems completely bizarre to be fair, especially since it is known that she doesn't take the dog everywhere with her so obviously doesn't have a problem leaving it at home.. if that was the problem it is cruel to do what they have done and kept her in the dark.

But that's what makes me wonder if their problem is actually with OPs partner, they can't come out and say they don't like them and don't want to be around them, but they can distance themselves and not invite them to things, plus with the mum accusing the partner of isolating OP.. it all sounds like there is some sort of issue there somewhere.

There's no reason to suggest OP would be unreasonable about it.

To be honest, I wouldn't want to hang out with a brother or sister in law who underhandedly sought to exclude me from events without just speaking up, and saying, could you not bring the dog. the OP had two years of not being invited and not knowing why.

Of course, fine to not want dog around baby if you're worried about that, but to not say anything to the dog's owner, and just let them miss out is beyond dickish.

You are def not being unreasonable.

The fence she is sitting so tightly on is going to cause your mum some severe splinters

Your brother (and SIL) sound like they have PFB syndrome.

It is not your job to make your Mum feel better about hurting your feelings by choosing to side with your brother.

I'd enjoy a lovely birthday with the people I want to share it with - aka my DP, kids or good friends.