Can I just do what I want for my Birthday?

[wediblinooo]

My birthday was last weekend, (mid 40s, I'm used to them by now, nothing special, it wasn't a 'big one' or anything). I wanted to go out with my partner to the local pub. My mother called me in tears yesterday because I didn't invite my parents, saying that I always used to enjoy family birthdays and that she doesn't like my BF and thinks he is trying to isolate me.

Just a bit of back story, I DID always used to like family birthdays when it was a 'big' occasion, my parents, brother, SIL, partner etc. Three years ago however my DB and SIL had a baby and they stopped inviting me to family events. I would always go to family events with my dog, and they didn't want him around the baby. Fine, but rather than telling me this, they just stopped inviting me to family events. I would still go up and visit them (I had never taken my dog to their house) and because of this I wasn't aware that there was an issue. Me and partner just stopped being invited.

I was devastated when the penny finally dropped that we were being cut out. But their baby, their home their rules. Fine. So knowing I wouldn't ever have the whole family for dinner, I would prefer it to me just me and BF. All my parents talk about is my niece, which I find just completely tone deaf, and quite frankly a little dull. There seemed to be no interest in what I wanted to do- just my mum being upset that she missed out on an outing. Usually I am happy to take them out and include them, but on this time, I just wanted something local where we could get a taxi home and have a bottle of wine to celebrate, rather than driving round to them.

My brother and SIL used to be what made family events fun, if they aren't part of the picture anymore, and my parents haven't made effort to reconcile us am I in the wrong here? And isn't sobbing down the phone and having a complete meltdown taking things a bit far?

That's a disgusting thing to say. If that's the situation, OP doesn't deserve to be sneered at.

She shouldn't have mentioned the dog. It's Mumsnet - people are insane about dogs here!

YANBU, you can do what you want on your birthday at the age of 44 or thereabouts, and your mum is soppier than a sack.

Not sneering. OP’s cutting off her nose to spite her face. She mentioned finding her parents talking about the baby to be “insensitive,” doesn’t mention any kids of her own and is in her 40s. I’d be very surprised if there’s not an inability to have a child and the dog isn’t seen (by others, if not OP) as a beloved substitute. If that’s not the case then it’s either very badly behaved or a banned breed or something.

I imagine fun brother and SIL have said something along the lines of “is OP invited? We’ll give it a miss then as we don’t want the dog around the baby. Please don’t tell OP not to bring dog though as we know she’s very attached to it and we don’t want to upset her” and people have acted in favour of the baby over the dog.

There’s often a bit of a divide when people have babies and others don’t. It’s normal. And it doesn’t sound like the brother or SIL have a problem with OP as she was still visiting them at home (sans dog). It sounds like a big misunderstanding and OP’s got the hump and is now missing out on the big family events she actually wants.

You've made quite a lot of that up in your own head.

But DB and SIL didn't seek to exclude her. They excluded themselves so that OP didn't have to be excluded. They chose for themselves to not go to events where OP and her dog were going to be. I suspect they actually thought that it wasn't reasonable (or wouldn't go down well) to ask her to not bring the dog, so they just chose not to go if OP and her dog were likely to not be there. It doesn't sound as if at any point they have asked OP to be excluded or not invited. They were prepared to miss out themselves rather than asking OP to leave the dog behind.

Now that OP knows that the dog is the issue, and taking her on face value that she has no issues leaving the dog behind, surely events can now be arranged where OP and her DB & SIL and niece can attend and OPs dog is left at home. So everyone should be happy that they can organise full group events again now the issue is understood and out in the open.

There's no reason for anyone to make such a drama about it. and no reason for anyone to bear a grudge over it. No one was actively excluded by anyone else, DB and SIL just decided not to come along with niece when OPs dog was likely to be present. Therefore OPs parents arranged separate meet ups with OP and dog and separate meet ups with DB, SIL and niece. OP was still meeting up with DB, SIL and niece too until she decided to make a big drama about it.

Oh come on, they knew that by saying that, her mum would choose to see them because, of course, she wants to see her grandchild, and it still meant OP would be excluded from events that she never used to be.

Op was actively excluded, just in a round about way. they could have just, at any point, told her about the issue, and she'd have been able to join in again. They didn't.

Well, your tone came across to me as sneery at any rate.

She should have said the same thing to your CF brother.

She made it her business by excluding you to all things because of your brother.

I wasn't saying you exclude her at all previously but you need to start standing up for yourself.

Sorry to disappoint you, but there aren't any fertility issues I am aware of and my dog isn't an emotional support animal.

I don't find my niece boring. I find my mum boring because all she can talk about now is my niece, and when I haven't seen her for 8 months I find it insensitive that that can be my mothers sole topic of conversation for 3 or 4 hours.

I don't think it is cutting of your nose to spite your face to be angry that a family member sought to exclude you from family events for 2 years, rather than addressing the issue? If they had said from day one, can you leave dog at home and we continued to do things as a family it wouldn't have been an issue; now mumsnet seems to think its up to me to put things right- when I am not actually sure I have done anything wrong?

My dog is very well behaved as I use him for work- so certainly not a banned breed!!

I most certainly have an issue now after I found out that I was being excluded for 2 years without my knowledge. So whilst I would have been happy to do as I was asked first off (as I did for a long time when I went to go and visit my DB and SIL), I have absolutely no intention of complying now.

I wouldn't see my DB again without an apology and acknowledgement that what they did was disgraceful.

So now we don't have extended family events, which were quite fun. Now it is just me taking out my elderly parents. Which I am happy to do, but they aren't celebratory and not what I want to be doing on my birthday.

By extended family events are we talking just you, your parents, db/sil/niece or are you being excluded from wider family events too?

The later I would definately see as a huge issue- and nasty on behalf of all the event hosts.

Just your parents / brother... well the reap what they sow don't they!

I don’t think the OP has done anything wrong. The brother and SIL have been arses, fine to not want a dog there but to be sneaky and excluding OP is poor. Her parents have enabled the brother and SIL to get away with it, and saying it’s nothing to do with them and then having a crying fit when not invited out for a birthday is not right.
OP I would just tell her she needs to suck it up. Don’t apologise!

This sounds like a situation that could easily be sorted.

They were first time parents who didn’t want a dog around their child. They didn’t want bring the subject up with you so took the easy way out of just not inviting you anymore.

Life is too short to fall out over these small things and heaven forbid if your brother was to be gone tomorrow I’m sure you’d be kicking yourself for not sorting it sooner.

I am a dog owner (without children) so I understand how you feel about your dog and how much your feelings were hurt but just swallow the hurt and pride and ask if you can pop in to visit or meet up somewhere.

This can easily be mended and the older their child gets the more relaxed they may be with regards to having dogs around.

Well OP said "They didn't say to anyone it was because of my dog! They would just ask is wediblinooo coming? And then say because of baby they rather just stop in and see how things go and doing a flying visit and change plans etc"

Which very much doesn't sound like they are trying to exclude OP. They are literally saying because of their baby they're not coming or keeping it to "flying visits" or making alternative arrangements for themselves to visit.

OP is reading far too much into this situation and taking offence where no offence is warranted. They simply don't want their baby around a dog (their prerogative) and are declining invitations to events which a dog is going to be present at. That's not excluding OP in any way shape or form. And they were still inviting OP (without DDog) to their place, so it's really clear this isn't about trying to exclude OP or not liking OP in some way.

OP's parents have chosen to meet separately with DB, SIL and DN to when they met with OP and DD. No suggestion they saw DB, SIL and DN more, or that they stopped seeing OP. Just instead of OP, DDog, DB, SIL and DN visiting parents on the same day that OP &DDog visited on a separate day to DB, SIL and DN. Again this isn't excluding OP. It's just seeing OP on different days to when they saw her DB.

OP and her Mum both seem to be drama llamas that are taking offence when there's really no need to, and making everything all about them.

Hang on a minute OP, they aren't telling people not to invite you to things though? You really are over exaggerating what is happening there, and would probably explain why they refuse to admit that is what they are doing, because it isn't what they are doing, they are declining to attend if you are there, not asking you to not be invited.. still a problem, but not nearly as bad as what you keep saying.

I assume we are only talking about your parent's house here? What they were saying is if OP going to be there, then they were making their excuses not to come? In the end your parents have given up trying to get you all together and accepted that they just need to spend time with you separately?

I still think there is more to this to be honest, the dog is a quick easy fix that your parents can have a chat with you about, so it makes absolutely no sense that they would all go to such lengths to avoid being around you for that reason without giving you a chance to rectify it. You also said your partner comes with you to family events but not to your brothers, are you sure there isn't more to that? Your mum accusing your partner of isolating would also fit that theory that they don't like them?

How have you been excluded?

You see your DPs
Your DB and SIL and DN see your DPs
You are invited to your DB and SILs and see them there (or were until you decided to have a tantrum). Everyone gets to see everyone. No one is excluded from seeing anyone.

What do you think are you excluded from? Extended family events of you DB/DSIL/DN and DPs don't happen any more - you can't be excluded from something that doesn't exist.

You seeing your DP without DB/SIL/DN is as much excluding them as them seeing your DP without you is excluding you. (Which is not at all, in case you're not getting it)

This post shows clearly why DB&SIL were reluctant to talk to you about the dog. Massive overreaction and making it all about you. No ability to see anything from any one else's point of view. It is clear there was zero chance that you would ever have been reasonable about this. DB/SIL were trying to sort things out without you kicking off. Your poor DPs stuck in the middle.

So mum would offer to do Sunday lunch, they would ask if I were going, they'd decline and then because they couldn't go and it would be cancelled and rearranged for when they could go, and they'd say to just keep it small.

It only came out when I said after 2 years we needed to make more of an effort to make the get togethers at my parents work because it was costing me a fortune in London train tickets to go into the city to visit my brother. At that point it all got very awkward and come out that they had said to my parents after a year of dates being rearranged that they would rather see me at their house and not be around the dog. So my parents had agreed to not invite me and stop messing around on dates and times.

My family get on well with my BF, my mother just worked herself into a state about she couldn't believe that I didn't want to see family on my birthday and that 2 people going for dinner isn't a proper celebration.

How did your db and sil get on with your dp?

I just wonder if there is another factor in this and the dog situation has been used as a scapegoat by them?

It’s really sad that you’re choosing to cut off your family over a misunderstanding about a dog. It suggests you’re not the most easygoing character, which also explains why your entire extended family felt they couldn’t ask you to leave the dog at home.

People really are determined that the OP is completely at fault, and tying themselves in some amazing knots to make this so.

I don’t see it all tbh.

I (think) I understand the brothers point of view, but how they went about it was completely wrong. How that is OP’s fault, or relevant to the birthday celebrations is beyond me.

That's a bit of a leap! I'm not choosing to cut of my family. I still see my parents regularly, I just didn't want to drive over to theirs on my birthday, rather go to a nice restaurant locally and be able to get a taxi back.