Can I just do what I want for my Birthday?

[wediblinooo]

My birthday was last weekend, (mid 40s, I'm used to them by now, nothing special, it wasn't a 'big one' or anything). I wanted to go out with my partner to the local pub. My mother called me in tears yesterday because I didn't invite my parents, saying that I always used to enjoy family birthdays and that she doesn't like my BF and thinks he is trying to isolate me.

Just a bit of back story, I DID always used to like family birthdays when it was a 'big' occasion, my parents, brother, SIL, partner etc. Three years ago however my DB and SIL had a baby and they stopped inviting me to family events. I would always go to family events with my dog, and they didn't want him around the baby. Fine, but rather than telling me this, they just stopped inviting me to family events. I would still go up and visit them (I had never taken my dog to their house) and because of this I wasn't aware that there was an issue. Me and partner just stopped being invited.

I was devastated when the penny finally dropped that we were being cut out. But their baby, their home their rules. Fine. So knowing I wouldn't ever have the whole family for dinner, I would prefer it to me just me and BF. All my parents talk about is my niece, which I find just completely tone deaf, and quite frankly a little dull. There seemed to be no interest in what I wanted to do- just my mum being upset that she missed out on an outing. Usually I am happy to take them out and include them, but on this time, I just wanted something local where we could get a taxi home and have a bottle of wine to celebrate, rather than driving round to them.

My brother and SIL used to be what made family events fun, if they aren't part of the picture anymore, and my parents haven't made effort to reconcile us am I in the wrong here? And isn't sobbing down the phone and having a complete meltdown taking things a bit far?

But you’re not talking to your brother and his family, and awaiting an apology from him for the fact that your parents would rather rearrange than tell you not to bring your dog. Which is batshit.

I doubt your mum is actually upset to miss a night in the pub, more because her previously close family is disintegrating because you’ve got the hump about them not liking your dog.

But presumably you still saw your DPs?
So not excluded.

And you still saw your DB and SIL and DN?
So not excluded

And your DB and SIL and DN still saw your DPs
So not excluded

It no longer worked for large family get togethers with your DP and You and DDog and DB, DSIL and DN. So these no longer happen. But no-one is being excluded from anything.

No-one owes you an apology because wider family events no longer work for everyone.

No-one was excluding you.

Just because you would prefer wider family events, it doesn't mean that they have to happen. Other people's opinions and preferences also matter.

If it really is important to you to have a wider family meetup, then maybe pick a special occasion (maybe a birthday?) and take the whole family out for a meal to celebrate! Or arrange a day out for your DM or DFs birthday without the dog.

The only person causing trouble and being unreasonable is you, because you've cut off your DB and had a tantrum just because he and SIL decided they didn't wish to accept invitations to events where dogs were going to be in attendance. That is absolutely their decision to make, and is a perfectly normal and reasonable stance to take. It's not a dig at you, it's them doing what they feel is best for the safety of their daughter.

It is to do with her because she’s choosing to listen to your brother and not invite you. If she wanted to stay out of it she would invite you both and if your brother was uncomfortable he could choose not to go

Okay so, you were still seeing your parents but nothing was being arranged where you were all together at the same time at your parents house. You were still seeing your brother when you visited him in London.

Then when you have questioned why you aren't all doing things together as a family round at your parents your brother has sheepishly told you it's because they don't enjoy being around your dog? So you stopped speaking to him and that was 8 months ago?

With kindness, I think you are being unreasonable to go NC, they don't want to be around your dog, so have declined any invitations to your parents house when you were going to be there with your dog.. it wasn't personal, and they haven't demanded that your parents don't invite you, if your mum is cancelling dinners when they decline then that is quite hurtful but that is your mum's decision and absolutely nothing to do with your brother, he can't be blamed for that, but it sounds like she didn't really know the reason they were declining either so probably thought they'd just cancel and try again when you were all available to come.

The only thing your brother has done wrong is not communicating the reason they were declining the invites, but in all honesty OP they may have felt they were completely unreasonable to demand you leave the dog at home so they just chose the easier route of removing themselves instead.

You are accusing them of something they haven't actually done and are demanding an apology for something that they didn't do to spite you at all, the opposite in fact, they just thought it was the easier/fairer option on you to not bring it up and force you to have to change something that you and your parents are happy with just to suit them.

I honestly think you have misinterpreted their actions and are unfairly punishing them for a misunderstanding, you should really have a good talk with your brother and try to get to the bottom of this before any more time is wasted.

DB would decline the invite so the event would be cancelled.

DB would only reschedule on the basis that I wasn't invited.

DM when she realised asked what the reason was and rather than passing it on, or telling them to tell me, she kept it quiet. And then stopped inviting me and just arranged things directly with them

Because I was still seeing them all I thought it was just luck of the draw. But, when I said we really needed to try and do stuff at my parents because it was costing me £80+ a trip to travel to my DBs it all came out that it wasn't accidental, but planned by my DB.

When I visit my DB my dog is always left at home. I don't know why people are so determined to believe that I wouldn't have left him at home if asked when I was going to my parents.

What I object to it the subterfuge for 2 years rather than just telling me.

I will happily see my parents, I just didn't fancy it on my birthday as it requires a drive to theirs, picking them up, etc

Your DB has done nothing wrong.

He has declined events where you and your DDog were invited, because they don't want their DD there with your DDog - perfectly reasonable and up to them.

You were presumably still being invited to see your DPs, just not at the same time as your DB and DSIL and DN.

Your DB, DSIL and DN see your parents on other occasions. That's OK. You don't get to dictate how, where and when your DB/DSIL see your DPs.

You were seeing your DB and DSIL and DN at their house.

What is the problem?

Everyone is seeing each other. OK they're not doing it in the way you prefer or the way that is most convenient to you, but instead they have chosen to put the safety of their baby daughter first.

You could still see everyone. There's nothing wrong with the arrangements that were in place with you going to DB/SILs and also separately seeing your parents.

Do you always expect everyone to bend to your will and do things which suit your preference as the expense of theirs?

Your DDog is not welcome around their DDaughter. That's their choice, and it's quite a reasonable and normal boundary to have.

It's entirely within your power to get the wider family back together at your DPs house. Just apologise sincerely to your DB/DSIL and DPs for causing all the drama and then promise that you'll leave DDog behind in future for events at DPs house.

Problem solved, everyone happy.

Presumably the problem is that the original event didn't go ahead without DB, it was just cancelled. The rearranged event was then with DB but not OP.

And OP was left in the dark as to why that was happening.

For 2 years.

DB would decline the invite so the event would be cancelled.

DB would only reschedule on the basis that I wasn't invited.

DM when she realised asked what the reason was and rather than passing it on, or telling them to tell me, she kept it quiet. And then stopped inviting me and just arranged things directly with them

But this is your mum cancelling, not your brother, I think she has treated you very unfairly by cancelling. It doesn't sound like he demanded you weren't invited, but they would only accept if you had declined, he wasn't asking you to not be invited and never even told your mum the reason why until she finally twigged something was up and started asking why, she obviously thought the same as you that it was luck of the draw until it became an obvious pattern, your parents then decided to not invite you instead.. how can you be mad at your brother and not be mad at her, she's the one that has known what was going on and has chosen not to invite you?

Honestly OP all this points towards your brother not thinking you should have to change your routine with the dog to fit in with their new circumstances, not because he specifically wanted to exclude you (especially if there is zero history of that) it would be unreasonable of your brother to demand you not bring the dog.. so I can understand why they would not want to do that and would prefer to decline themselves, but it is really hurtful that your mum wouldn't just have a quiet word with you about it once she realised what the problem was as a way to bring everyone back together.

Your brother had a good reason for not bringing it up.. Your mum has no reason at all for not mentioning it.. so why aren't you angry at your mum about it?

I think your annoyance is aimed at the wrong people @wediblinooo. It's your mother who has created this issue - instead.of calmly explaining that you are welcome when DB and family are coming over but you can't bring the dog, she.chose to a) hide the real reason and b) cancel the event.

Surely that is on your mother more than your DB? Why on earth didn't she say she'd just tell you not to bring the dog?

Of course you can do what you want, OP!
Only on Mumsnet do people expect to see their entire families on a birthday. In real life, I don't think I know anyone who does that, especially as families are spread all over the country (if not further), and have work, commitments etc.
In fact, most adults really can't be bothered to make a fuss about their own birthday - it's just not A Thing.

When you say your brother is 'fun', could this be to do with drinking? Just a completely wild guess but does he drink more or act out more when you're there? Is he avoiding you for that reason?

The whole thing seems crazy if it is really just about a dog that you seem willing to leave at home when asked to. What is the vibe like when you go to them?

Yes. Your birthday then do what you want. If you’re fine with any repercussions

I get it @wediblinooo , you’ve been lied to and excluded for years, so why should you just make up now without an apology. For what it’s worth your brother sounds like a dick and your mother like she plays favourites.

And yes you are entirely free to spend your birthday as you wish. If it were me I’d tell here she can get in touch when she’s calmed down but for now you’re gong to give her some space- this is just a tantrum to get her won way and you shouldn’t reward that with attention ( just like a toddler, or a puppy).

Not much. Personally I don’t give a €$%^ re me, but go over the top for the kids (sadly!)… which adult wants to get older 😹 (but that’s not the reason I don’t think adults should make a big deal of it…

What is the reason, then? Genuinely curious. Adult life can be tough, what's wrong with having one day in the year to indulge oneself and be indulged?

But this is the thing, I saw my mother 2 weeks ago, I'll see her this week. Its one day- why on earth should I be worried about repercussions or being punished for wanting to just go to a local restaurant one evening?

That should be every day!