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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel really peed off with DP’s children

100 replies

PeoniesGinandBags · 16/02/2025 23:20

I’ll try and provide some context. Partner and his ex wife have a very very hostile relationship and from my perspective, they both contribute to that hostility. They have 2 children aged 17 and 15 who, for the last 4 years, have refused to see him. Lots of family court interventions where he has been given access but due to their ages, this is not enforced in any way.

Their mum has told lots of untruths which haven’t helped. And these are big untruths like telling them they’re losing their home because dad hasn’t been paying maintenance. He has- £980 per month.

DP understandably gets chewed up about the lack of contact and messages frequently, asks to meet up etc. They always ignore him unless he says he has something for them. Like new iPhones, money, trainers. Then they’ll agree to meet him at the end of their road to get their stuff.

its starting to annoy me. I don’t know why or whether this is reasonable. It just feels like they’re using him. If they choose to not have a relationship then okay, but don’t just take the stuff. I’ve tried to tell him
it seems like this isn’t right but he just says that he wants to get them things and “be a dad”.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 16/02/2025 23:26

Don’t get involved. This is messy but can be resolved.

The children have likely suffered from parental alienation from their mum. As they get older, move out and spend less time with her, they will realise what she’s done. Dad just needs to keep lines of communication open so they have an easy way back to him. Keep sending messages and voice notes. Keep giving them birthday and Christmas presents. Keep extending invitations to come to dinner or go on days out. He just needs to be constant in being there as much as they’ll let him.

Original poster
PeoniesGinandBags · 16/02/2025 23:34

Thank you. Yes, the social worker did flag parental alienation in her report. I just worry that they seem to be developing into versions of her…. I know that sounds bad. I know. It’s just so hard and it feels like this constant battle is our life all the time.

OP posts:
Redrosesposies · 16/02/2025 23:37

Err you do know that this is Mumsnet @PeoniesGinandBags and therefore as the 'Stepmother' it is all your fault?

OnYerselfHen · 16/02/2025 23:53

I'd be petty and send screengrabs of my banking app showing exactly how much money goes towards the ex.

StormingNorman · 16/02/2025 23:58

Redrosesposies · 16/02/2025 23:37

Err you do know that this is Mumsnet @PeoniesGinandBags and therefore as the 'Stepmother' it is all your fault?

You’re trying to stir up trouble where there isn’t any with an inflammatory and inaccurate comment.

wretchedmood · 17/02/2025 00:00

StormingNorman · 16/02/2025 23:58

You’re trying to stir up trouble where there isn’t any with an inflammatory and inaccurate comment.

Show quote history

Shuttup Norman, she's right.

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 00:05

PeoniesGinandBags · 16/02/2025 23:34

Thank you. Yes, the social worker did flag parental alienation in her report. I just worry that they seem to be developing into versions of her…. I know that sounds bad. I know. It’s just so hard and it feels like this constant battle is our life all the time.

They will be mirroring her views and behaviours towards your partner as mum has been brainwashing them. His only defence is to keep showing up to show them that he isn’t the man or father he’s been painted to be.

Parental alienation is a really insidious form of abuse because it hurts the children and the parent. In your shoes, I would support my partner but let him take the lead on what time and money he puts into the relationships with his children. Any involvement from you is likely to backfire and possibly complicate things. I doubt mum gave you a free pass while slagging off dad!

StormingNorman · 17/02/2025 00:05

wretchedmood · 17/02/2025 00:00

Shuttup Norman, she's right.

Show quote history

Quote me where someone blamed OP.

Ponoka7 · 17/02/2025 00:06

Why was a social worker Involved? Did he have regular, overnight contact up until four years ago?

IHate · 17/02/2025 00:06

If he wanted to be a dad, he’d have gone for 50/50. I have very little patience for men who moan about never seeing their kids, but balked at shared custody.

To your actual question- your feelings are completely understandable, but YABU. It’s his relationship with his kids, so you should stay out of it.

Original poster
PeoniesGinandBags · 17/02/2025 00:14

when they got divorced, they agreed that mum would have custody as he is a shift worker. They change all the time (paramedic). He had two evenings a week but as they got older, it tailed off as they would cancel as we live further out and they wanted to be with their friends.

For the first 4 years after their divorce, this was their arrangement. When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon. I agreed that they shouldn’t quickly be introduced to me as a new partner but a year later, when I finally did, their mum got upset and it went downhill from there. She was, and is, remarried so I don’t know why there is an issue.

Now though, they ignore him. Refuse to speak to him unless he literally begs and offers “stuff”

OP posts:
IHate · 17/02/2025 00:25

PeoniesGinandBags · 17/02/2025 00:14

when they got divorced, they agreed that mum would have custody as he is a shift worker. They change all the time (paramedic). He had two evenings a week but as they got older, it tailed off as they would cancel as we live further out and they wanted to be with their friends.

For the first 4 years after their divorce, this was their arrangement. When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon. I agreed that they shouldn’t quickly be introduced to me as a new partner but a year later, when I finally did, their mum got upset and it went downhill from there. She was, and is, remarried so I don’t know why there is an issue.

Now though, they ignore him. Refuse to speak to him unless he literally begs and offers “stuff”

Weirdly, when female paramedics get divorced, they find a way to have their kids and work shifts. There are single mums who are shift workers all over the country.

Yet, so many men find it impossible. Odd, that.

Also, he could have continued to have them for two evenings without them meeting you. So, that bit doesn’t really make sense.

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 00:49

I'm speaking as a single parent here (my children are now adults tho)

It looks like your DP is being financially responsible towards his children and paying maintenance

It looks like he wants to maintain an emotional relationship too - He messages frequently, asks to meet up etc - he wants to keep in touch and be a proper dad but, to be honest, his ex-wife is making things very difficult?

I know it probably won't make him feel better at the minute, but there will definitely come a time - when his children are older and will be able to rationalise things better - when they will question how their mum behaved and how their dad behaved.

he just says that he wants to get them things and “be a dad”

Maybe you could help him see that 'being a dad' is more than just 'getting them things'

Now though, they ignore him. Refuse to speak to him unless he literally begs and offers “stuff” And maybe he could, in turn, explain to them that 'being a dad' is more than just 'getting them things'

I don't know what their mum has told them, but it sounds very much like parental alienation as PP have said

DC are very good at taking on board different points of view - don't let their mum dictate all the narrative of what a dad is / isn't / should be / shouldn't be

DP needs to put forward his version of what a dad is. He needs to discuss it with them - what they want from him, what they expect from him, what they think a dad is.
Because, at the minute they seem to have only one version of events .........

@IHate ?????

IHate · 17/02/2025 00:56

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 00:49

I'm speaking as a single parent here (my children are now adults tho)

It looks like your DP is being financially responsible towards his children and paying maintenance

It looks like he wants to maintain an emotional relationship too - He messages frequently, asks to meet up etc - he wants to keep in touch and be a proper dad but, to be honest, his ex-wife is making things very difficult?

I know it probably won't make him feel better at the minute, but there will definitely come a time - when his children are older and will be able to rationalise things better - when they will question how their mum behaved and how their dad behaved.

he just says that he wants to get them things and “be a dad”

Maybe you could help him see that 'being a dad' is more than just 'getting them things'

Now though, they ignore him. Refuse to speak to him unless he literally begs and offers “stuff” And maybe he could, in turn, explain to them that 'being a dad' is more than just 'getting them things'

I don't know what their mum has told them, but it sounds very much like parental alienation as PP have said

DC are very good at taking on board different points of view - don't let their mum dictate all the narrative of what a dad is / isn't / should be / shouldn't be

DP needs to put forward his version of what a dad is. He needs to discuss it with them - what they want from him, what they expect from him, what they think a dad is.
Because, at the minute they seem to have only one version of events .........

@IHate ?????

Yes?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 17/02/2025 00:57

How much (percentage) of his income is £980? If he doesn't stay with his kids, he should be paying for all the hours his x is caring for the DC, as well as the expenses. As PP said, mothers who are shift workers just find a way to be with their DC.

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 01:09

he could have continued to have them for two evenings without them meeting you. So, that bit doesn’t really make sense

OP says as they got older, it tailed off as they would cancel as we live further out and they wanted to be with their friends.
For the first 4 years after their divorce, this was their arrangement. When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon. I agreed that they shouldn’t quickly be introduced to me as a new partner but a year later, when I finally did, their mum got upset and it went downhill from there

PassingStranger · 17/02/2025 01:18

It's disgusting only wanting to see him.if they get I phones and trainers etc
I would not let myself be abused like that and would tell them.

IHate · 17/02/2025 01:24

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 01:09

he could have continued to have them for two evenings without them meeting you. So, that bit doesn’t really make sense

OP says as they got older, it tailed off as they would cancel as we live further out and they wanted to be with their friends.
For the first 4 years after their divorce, this was their arrangement. When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon. I agreed that they shouldn’t quickly be introduced to me as a new partner but a year later, when I finally did, their mum got upset and it went downhill from there

I’m referring specifically to this bit. When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon.

I’m assuming it means he stopped having them, even for the ‘tailed off’ amount - as I can’t see what else it could mean. However, if I’m wrong, hopefully OP will clarify.

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 01:30

How much (percentage) of his income is £980? If he doesn't stay with his kids, he should be paying for all the hours his x is caring for the DC, as well as the expenses. As PP said, mothers who are shift workers just find a way to be with their DC.

The percentage of income may be relevant but it's also relevant to ask how does a father find a way to be with his children when the mother is hostile / tells untruths and makes things difficult?

When the agreement was made for the mum to be the RP, was she forced into it? / if SHE had been the shift worker, would the father have been the RP?
We don't know.

Most women I know will fight to have their children stay with them. Not because the father has done anything wrong - it 's just a mother's instinct to want to have her children with her.

The truth is that people's relationships break down and it seems that children just get caught in the middle and are often used as bargaining chips between warring adults - who to be honest should know better.

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 01:55

@IHate I’m referring specifically to this bit.
When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon.
I’m assuming it means he stopped having them,

I would assume the same - the ex-wife stopped it as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon.

OP says she agreed at the time it was too soon and didn't meet them until she and Dad had been seeing each other for a year - but apparently even then the reaction from the ex-wife wasn't great

IHate · 17/02/2025 02:00

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 01:55

@IHate I’m referring specifically to this bit.
When I met him, it stopped as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon.
I’m assuming it means he stopped having them,

I would assume the same - the ex-wife stopped it as she said they were too young to meet a new partner and it was too soon.

OP says she agreed at the time it was too soon and didn't meet them until she and Dad had been seeing each other for a year - but apparently even then the reaction from the ex-wife wasn't great

Yes, so he stopped seeing them because (it was agreed) they were too young to meet OP. This doesn’t make any sense to me. He could have continued having them without them meeting her.

Also (genuinely just trying to be helpful as sometimes people don’t know) if you hit ‘quote’ the comment to which you’re replying will appear above your comment.

IHate · 17/02/2025 02:07

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 01:30

How much (percentage) of his income is £980? If he doesn't stay with his kids, he should be paying for all the hours his x is caring for the DC, as well as the expenses. As PP said, mothers who are shift workers just find a way to be with their DC.

The percentage of income may be relevant but it's also relevant to ask how does a father find a way to be with his children when the mother is hostile / tells untruths and makes things difficult?

When the agreement was made for the mum to be the RP, was she forced into it? / if SHE had been the shift worker, would the father have been the RP?
We don't know.

Most women I know will fight to have their children stay with them. Not because the father has done anything wrong - it 's just a mother's instinct to want to have her children with her.

The truth is that people's relationships break down and it seems that children just get caught in the middle and are often used as bargaining chips between warring adults - who to be honest should know better.

A father finds a way the same way a mother does. The stats with regards to our court system are very clear, where fathers want custody or visitation, they will get it. Even if they are unfit. The kids are too old for anything to be enforced now, but they weren’t when all this started.

Most women I know will fight to have their children stay with them. Not because the father has done anything wrong - it 's just a mother's instinct to want to have her children with her.

It’s also a good father’s instinct. The bar for male parents really is a bar in Hades and it needs to be raised. Paying maintenance and messaging doth not a father make.

Gowlett · 17/02/2025 02:14

I just think, they’re teenagers…

They’re doing what teenagers do.

Probablt the same with their mum.

AutumnColours9 · 17/02/2025 02:16

Agree they sound like normal teens to be honest! Many are hard work!
Is there any way he could be seen as not making an effort with them? Or prioritising his relationship?
Do the grandparents on his side see them? Aunts etc?
They will likely eventually seek him out.

setmestraightplease · 17/02/2025 02:23

@IHate Yes, so he stopped seeing them because (it was agreed) they were too young to meet OP. This doesn’t make any sense to me. He could have continued having them without them meeting her.

How do you know he agreed to stop seeing them? Or whether it was imposed because his ex-wife saw fit and he wanted to keep the peace?
Again we don't know

We can't make assumptions about who did what.

It’s also a good father’s instinct. The bar for male parents really is a bar in Hades and it needs to be raised. Paying maintenance and messaging doth not a father make.
Tell me about it.......
Been there! Done that!

But I don't just assume that OP's DP is like that.
In this case, OP seems to know what's what and I believe she knows what she's talking about

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