AIBU to feel really peed off with DP’s children

[PeoniesGinandBags]

I’ll try and provide some context. Partner and his ex wife have a very very hostile relationship and from my perspective, they both contribute to that hostility. They have 2 children aged 17 and 15 who, for the last 4 years, have refused to see him. Lots of family court interventions where he has been given access but due to their ages, this is not enforced in any way.

Their mum has told lots of untruths which haven’t helped. And these are big untruths like telling them they’re losing their home because dad hasn’t been paying maintenance. He has- £980 per month.

DP understandably gets chewed up about the lack of contact and messages frequently, asks to meet up etc. They always ignore him unless he says he has something for them. Like new iPhones, money, trainers. Then they’ll agree to meet him at the end of their road to get their stuff.

its starting to annoy me. I don’t know why or whether this is reasonable. It just feels like they’re using him. If they choose to not have a relationship then okay, but don’t just take the stuff. I’ve tried to tell him
it seems like this isn’t right but he just says that he wants to get them things and “be a dad”.

YANBU OP but be peed off with your partner too as he’s enabling it. Hope you don’t have joint finances so you’re not being financially affected? Do you have your own children?

That's not fair. There can be legitimate reasons why 50:50 doesn't work, not least because it's quite difficult for the children to live in 2 places 50:50.

As previously stated, the DC weren’t teens when this started. If he’s sat on his hands this entire time, it makes sense they don’t want to see him now.

At this point t she blocked his phone and stopped the contact. He went back to family court after 3 months of trying to negotiate with her.

And then what happened?

he didn’t move miles away. She stayed in the family home which is in a city centre. Housing costs are high so he rented a home 15 miles away in a cheaper area. Good transport links though for them to be able to get to school etc

Sounds like miles away to me. My ex moved 11km away and it takes 35 minutes to get there under the best of circumstances. Of course my kids’ friends don’t want to come visit them there when it takes over an hour round trip in a vehicle vs the five minutes walk between houses here.

4 years ago the dc were 12 and 13 - my ds has just turned 14, I could not physically drag him - he is taller than me at 5' 10, he has been taller than me since he was 13.

And if the rp does not assist in enforcing contact then I don't see how the ops husband can make them?

So you prevent your dc seeing their father for the sake of a 30 min drive?

Where did I say that?

Oh so you don’t- therefore you agree that the ops husband should be able to see his dc despite the 30 min drive?

I think that the “children” in the OP’s post are teenagers, who are allowed to make their own choices about visitation, and that if their dad has moved to a location that’s a hassle for them and their friends to get to, it’s understandable that they don’t want to bother.

Perhaps if their relationship with their dad was stronger they would make the effort though.

But if the mother has been preventing them from seeing the father since 12 and 13 then she has played a part in this - additionally if she is constantly lying to the dc about their father then she is maliciously doing so.

@PeoniesGinandBags your DH needs to stop bribing them to spend time with him by buying them STUFF. This is only going to make matters far worse.

If the mum as tried to alienate them against him then it is going to be tough. All he can do is keep reaching out, send birthday cards in the post etc... One day they will find out the truth.

Having to buy them an iPhone just to get them to meet him at the end of a street is ridiculous.

I don't think it's fair to blame the kids, if parents are being overly hostile to each other and DP stopped seeing them as soon as he got a girlfriend when he could have kept you apart from the kids without doing that, that's shit parenting and speaks volumes to the kids about what their Dad's priorities are.

Their mother is lying to them about their Dad too. They stand no chance on coming out of this ridiculous parental selfishness with a balanced view of either of them.

What the OP said is that originally he saw them two evenings a week, then it tailed off as they preferred to see their friends, and for the last four years they have refused to see him except for picking up gifts.

Notwithstanding what they mum may have said, it sounds like the relationship was minimal from the start and dropped off before they became teens.

To be honest if he was barely seeing them, this is the main cause of their not having a great relationship with him

The money thing is easily disproven and unlikely to be the cause. The first time she lied and said he hadn't paid, he could have got cash and dropped it round in front of the kids the next month. Or shown them his bank app with the transfer.

That's an interesting interpretation of what OP wrote.

Is it? How?

Also 15 miles is a long distance when you are a young teenager. Way too far for children to maintain regular contact easily. 15 miles can take 45 mins.

Better to stay close by.

@TheWonderhorse

How does:

DP did not stop having the children when he met me. We were in a relationship for a year and then I met them, pre arranged, at a family event as we thought that would work, lots of people about and less intense

in any way tally with what you said:

DP stopped seeing them as soon as he got a girlfriend when he could have kept you apart from the kids without doing that

??

FWIW my ex, who is now in his 40s, had a similar relationship with his dad and you cannot say a word against the man.

It sounds like your DP wishes to be far more involved than my ex's dad.

However, the long and short of it was that he'd meet his dad in town once a week - his dad might sometimes be late or not show - and his dad would buy him branded sportswear or trainers and he has:

1. Retained this love of branded tat.
2. Retained a ridiculous attachment to the fact that he is "the only" one his his dad's multiple children who has his name.
3. Expresses his own care for his 1DC thorugh branded tat and money spent - that's a whole other can of worms.
4. Will not countenance any discussion of his father as an absent father or an unreliable twat in general.

In short, I can 100% see why you are iritated on your partner's behalf, but I don't know that saying anything will do any good.

Two evenings a week is nothing. It’s not really enough to maintain a parent-child relationship.

And even that small amount of contact stopped when he met you? So they saw him as putting his new relationship before them. It’s not really surprising that they don’t want to see him. And of course they’re going to use him for stuff, it’s all they’ve had from him and all they know.

Ah I see, I missed that it was Ex that stopped contact then. Apologies OP.

But the father did originally decide that shift work prevented him from parenting them. Having them two evenings a week is not making them a home with him, and not being a father. He needed to make it work for their sakes. If I had a job that meant I only saw my kids two evenings a week I'd be applying for all sorts of different jobs to change that.

I also stand by my opinion that the children have witnessed so much crap off both parents that they were never going to act rationally and fairly when that's not what they've been taught by either side.

Nothing stopped when he met me. He continued his evenings, went to all of their sports training events (3 each a week and fixtures at the weekend). The court order said that mum had to “promote the children’s relationship with their dad”. This isn’t enforceable in any way though.

sorry if I wasn’t clear. Outside of work, he was very present in their lives. Even going as far as taking responsibility for getting the food tech stuff and dropping it off every week, picking up from after school activities etc. none of her family have maintained a relationship with her because of how she’s behaved. I‘m trying to avoid that though. This is about the situation between him
ams his children.

We have separate finances but he frequently leaves himself short and has, for example, not paid bills so that he treats them. He says it makes him feel better to be able to do
something but then afterwards he feels like crap. They genuinely now only respond for “things”.

I’m trying hard not to criticise mum- I’m a divorced parent too- but she has told some corker lies to the children. It’s no wonder they don’t engage with him properly.

He has returned to court time and time again to try and explain what’s happening but given their age, every time they just say “agree to promote contact”. She says yes but then ignores it. She then tells the children that “dad has taken her to court again”. It’s all so toxic.

I guess I’m just trying to figure out if enough is enough and to walk away. It’s so stressful. The month before their birthdays, he goes into a decline. Father’s Day is the same. And Xmas. I feel like we’re constantly having to “just get through” this month and that month. It’s no way to live.

And as for the comments about him living far away, he literally gets paid, pays his child support and then the rest goes to his “cheap” accommodation. He can’t afford to live closer….. I don’t know what else he can do.

Four years ago, when they completely stopped seeing him, they were 13 and 11. Prior to that, when he could (and should) have been building the relationship to make them want to see him, enforcing court decisions, taking her back to court, going for custody…literally just doing the things that I would expect of a concerned and loving parent - they were even younger.

Maybe his ex isn’t very nice, but honestly, so what? She could be Cruella freaking DeVil. Facilitating his relationship with his kids wasn’t her job. If he wanted to, he would have found a way.

Every time I see a thread like this, I really wish people would actually read what the OP says, my god!

I do believe parental alienation does exists and if you’ve ever known children going through family court proceedings, the damage it does is unquestionably. I think OP, all you can hope is that one day, they will grow up and start to see things for themselves. Teenagers are quite selfish and I don’t think it’s that unusual that most interactions are based around the stuff.