AIBU to feel really peed off with DP’s children

[PeoniesGinandBags]

I’ll try and provide some context. Partner and his ex wife have a very very hostile relationship and from my perspective, they both contribute to that hostility. They have 2 children aged 17 and 15 who, for the last 4 years, have refused to see him. Lots of family court interventions where he has been given access but due to their ages, this is not enforced in any way.

Their mum has told lots of untruths which haven’t helped. And these are big untruths like telling them they’re losing their home because dad hasn’t been paying maintenance. He has- £980 per month.

DP understandably gets chewed up about the lack of contact and messages frequently, asks to meet up etc. They always ignore him unless he says he has something for them. Like new iPhones, money, trainers. Then they’ll agree to meet him at the end of their road to get their stuff.

its starting to annoy me. I don’t know why or whether this is reasonable. It just feels like they’re using him. If they choose to not have a relationship then okay, but don’t just take the stuff. I’ve tried to tell him
it seems like this isn’t right but he just says that he wants to get them things and “be a dad”.

Of course she should be part of facilitating contact, and definitely not wilfully preventing it.

You were clear @PeoniesGinandBags, but some people won't stop to read or do stop to read but can't help but stick the boot in when it's a dad/stepmother situation.

Well, he priorities his work over the kids. It's a choice he made. what message does that send to them?

You don't think that's an entirely one-sided and unfair way to look at that?

Most families with two parents have at least one working parent. It was clearly agreed both when they were together and when they weren't that he would work and she would be the SAHP. What was he supposed to do when they split, force a 50/50 making him have to quit his job and get one that more easily facilitates that, and force her to get one? Did OP's partner train as a paramedic thinking that in the future he'd split from his partner and maybe have to start his career over again, with all the upheaval that might entail?

The NRP really can't win can they.

yeah, that's why my kids barely see their dad - 'it's impossible for me to look after them 50/50 with my job' he said, and he's a lazy git (and always was), so they see him a couple of times a month for a fancy lunch out, and he gives them gadgets for Christmas/Birthday (which saves me buying them at least). TBH, he probably has more time dedicated to them now than we did when we were together, because he didn't involve himself then either.

Of course I, who have the same job, just have to make it work - including extra driving because our house (bought when we were together) is far out and so they need a lot of transport. Which is why my salary has stagnated, and his continues to climb.

You get out what you put in.

The responsibility for his relationship with his kids lies with him. And he failed.

The thing is... most jobs and careers have parents working in them, including single parents with majority care, who manage to make it work somehow. Whether it's family help, cutting hours or stepping sideways and changing role.

People tell SAHMs or part-time workers that when the relationship breaks down, they need to pull their finger out and get back to work full-time to support their kids. Because they can't rely on their ex funding them indefinitely. But the converse is also true - full-time working parents who have organised their working lives on the basis of an unpaid parent being available to facilitate them 24/7 at home can no longer rely on that either.

You're not wrong - but in this case, when they split, it was agreed that the NRP would maintain their current job thus facilitating the RP not having to work at all.

I don't believe 50/50 is also believed to be in the best interests of the children, age dependent, from what I've previously read on here?

And if you read the OP’s updates you’ll see that her DP puts in considerably more than your ex.

Maintenance is not supposed to cover ALL their expenses. It's supposed to cover half. The father is also covering other costs on top of maintenance.

Wow, some of this stuff is just ridiculous! I'm sure there are plenty of men who are crappy dads, but the knee-jerk "oh it can't be the mother it must be the dad" is over the top.

Parental alienation has been discredited... as a medical diagnosis or a syndrome. What still is recognised, and in fact has been subject of very recent study in the family court is alienating behaviours - e.g. the poor behaviours and bad-mouthing by 1 parent against the other:
https://www.judiciary.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/12/Family-Justice-Council-Guidance-on-responding-to-allegations-of-alienating-behaviour-2024-1-1.pdf

On moving 15 miles away - this is an area the NRPs basically screwed. Mother keeps the family home, because it's a better base for the kids - fair enough. But the dad has to provide a home for himself and that has to be suitable for his kids to stay and he has to pay child maintenance. In many cases that means moving to a cheap area and scraping by. It's a raw deal.

And then be accused of "job being more important than his kids" - when the mother doesn't work, so the dad's income is still looking after the whole family.

Finally - 2 nights a week is "nothing". It's not half, but it's not nothing. It's about 30% of the time. In an idea world would it be half? Sure... so long as the mother agreed, which I suspect she wouldn't.

This guy can't win. But mumsnet will piss all over him anyway.

(...and no, I am not a NRP dad - just someone who thinks the one-sidedness is a bit too much)

I agree (also a mother and also still with the father of her child)

In this situation it looks like the mother behaved badly and purposefully turned her dc against their father - she has failed

As above, the mother could be Cruella, but maintaining a relationship with his kids is his responsibility. It’s the responsibility of every parent. She might be the nastiest piece of work on the planet, but she maintained her relationship with her children and he did not. She hasn’t failed at anything.

Actually, if (as you believe) she set out to turn them against their father, she’s massively succeeded.

What more could he have done? Why is it so hard to accept that some women are bitches when it comes to their exes. The kids will come to realise what their mother is like and she may well loose them.

I feel for you OP, I’ve got challenging step kids too and been accused on here of not liking them, trying to come between them and their dad - whose fault everything clearly is, with no blame at all on their mum who funnily enough also doesn’t work, happily accepts money and still badmouths him constantly.

Newsflash, step kids can be at fault too and dads aren’t automatically in the wrong.

Your DP sounds like a good guy but I can see why you’re struggling.

I’ve already stated what he could have done upthread. It doesn’t sound like he’s done very much at all.

I have no problem believing some women are horrible (again, already stated). I do not, however, believe that anyone who actually wants to see their children and avails themselves of all available avenues can be kept from doing so in the U.K., with the system as it currently exists. If the NRP throws up their hands and goes ‘well, my horrible ex won’t let me see them’ or something to that effect, then they’re a shit parent.

As above 😱 - in your opinion, my opinion differs.

Cool. Then we disagree. I didn’t start this exchange. Perfectly happy to stop having it.

I’ve been unpleasantly surprised at the lack of supper for him to be honest. He can only afford so much and given the fact his ex doesn’t work, and the two children are in lots of activities, he needs to work. He has suggested cutting back the amount he pays to £660 but she said this will mean she can’t pay her bills etc.

He can’t afford to live closer but does not expect them (or mum) to do the travelling. He does that as he doesn’t want them waiting around for buses etc if it can be helped.

Thank you to those who have read the situation. Not all non custodial dads are avoiding parenting! He has to work to support them - it’s the right thing to do. He literally cannot do any more than he is. It’s just hard because, even with this, it’s as if it is not enough.

I’m a single parent too and know it’s hard. The relationship with my ex can be fraught too. But this is just something I’ve never encountered before.

Support! Not supper! And I meant support from the courts.

Do your kids live with you?

Yes, mine are with me and my ex lives about half an hour away.

Do you mean if enough is enough for you to walk away? That's really the only thing you can control here, your actions. He's doing what he can to stay in his kids lives, it's messed up but also understandable as a parent. It's up to you if you can live with this or not.

Sounds tough OP. You said he sometimes leaves himself short and doesn't pay bills. Does that mean you are subsidising him? Have you had conversations about what happens when the kids turn 18/ finish school or college. Will they be going to uni? The ex isn't suddenly going to have money to house and feed the three of them if she's not worked all their lives and the kids are unlikely to be fully moving out or financially independent for some time. If they go to uni they will still need to come home in holidays etc.