Husband unreasonable over long lost brother?

[Ambi88]

Hi so my brother who was adopted out as a child 30 years ago, has found me literally this week.
iv been talking to him and my other brothers most of this week probably an hour a day.
so we were all taken as children, there’s 7 of us but me and 2 brothers were kept together.
This brother who has found us was adopted out and we haven’t seen or heard from him in all those years.
getting to my point, my husband has been acting stroppy and making comments about talking to them too much, and not bothering with him and that I’m ignoring him over “some bloke”
he was annoyed I didn’t answer his call as I was talking to my brother and I shouldn’t ignore him.
telling me to ignore calls and just being really funny with me.
brother had mentioned meeting at some point but husband is saying no not for a long time.
iv tried reassuring him nothing changes between me and him but for gods sake he is my brother who I have missed dearly and I feel like my husband has ruined what is supposed to be a happy time.
he isn’t being supportive at all and telling me Iv used him and now I don’t need him anymore!
what the bloody hell is his issue?
iv tried getting him involved in conversations and he is still stroppy. I have to text my brother in secret and pretend I haven’t heard off him just to avoid his moodiness. Is this jealousy or possessiveness or what?
I know I don’t know my brother anymore and I’m not rushing into anything but this can’t be right surely?
if it were him I’d be so happy for him and would support him fully.
am I being unreasonable? Is hubby unreasonable?
he does this everytime a family member has found me.. I’m confused?

I was reading through wondering if this question had already been asked - this makes me think he's a controlling arse who would always react badly to you having any sort of live away from him/the home. It just hasn't shown before as he's always had you to himself

I felt this too. If my DH tried dictating how I manage my relationship with my siblings or friends I'd lose all respect for him and couldn't be with someone so controlling.

What have I just read! Your husband should be absolutely delighted that you have found your brother! He's not in competition with him, why on earth is he jealous of him. His behaviour is disgusting. Please don't let him ruin your call later or your relationship with your siblings going forward. I would be making it very clear to him that if he's anything other than positive and supportive about this he will be pushing you away.

How amazing to find your long lost bro!

I'm really angry and upset on your behalf that instead of being compassionate towards this chap who was adopted and has missed out on years of his family your husband has chosen to be jealous and resentful! What's wrong with him??

Abusers like to isolate victims from family members;it's part of their cycle of coercive control;isolating their victim makes them less likely and able to leave without support from family & friends.

He should let you run with it and let you enjoy the elation of finding your brother. Emotions will simmer down and you will all keep contact on a regular basis eventually.

Your husband sounds jealous and spoilt , as if he doesn't want anyone else in your bubble and wants you all to himself .

Don't let him stop you from contacting your brother .

OP, this thread has made me sad for you. Initially I thought it was a weird but maybe isolated case of jealousy, where your husband couldn't see your long-lost brother as a brother, but as an unrelated male and potential competition (but still unreasonable behaviour from him).

But then you mentioned he was the same when you found your other brothers and he doesn't seem to have moved on from that initial reaction.

Then you made it clear that you didn't have any family until you reunited with your brothers, and you lack friends. I'm reluctant to say someone I've never met is in an abusive relationship based on a few posts on a forum, but this has set alarms bells ringing for me. It sounds like your husband might be controlling and that he doesn't like the idea of you becoming less isolated.

I think, putting myself in your husband's shoes, that I could initially be worried you might be at risk of being scammed by an unscrupulous stranger, but I would just encourage caution in that situation. But it doesn't sound like your husband is expressing those kinds of concerns at all.

I think other people's suggestions of contacting Women's Aid are good. They can help you assess if your relationship is a controlling one and provide practical help. Maybe you could also find put if there are mum & baby/toddler groups that cater for parents with disabilities to widen your social circle (you mention you have a new baby on the way as well as your older child with SEN).

I wish I could be more helpful OP. I am glad you've found some family and wish you all the best

I agree with this. Your husband is massively jealous and insecure, needing you all to himself. But you must not allow him to bully you out of making the choices you know are the right ones for you. So yes, reassure him by all means, but make it clear that you WILL do what you know will bring you happiness, regardless of his tantrums. If he can’t be pleased for you then I would question your future together.

Damn
He is so far out of line. Let him strop, if you want to get to know your bro, your DH will have to get over himself.

Im mostly estranged from my brother and have been for over 20 years, he on my FB as of 2021 but we only christmas/birthday msg at best.

My DH has told me i should contact him more, try build a relationship with him now we adults

No of course there is no reason, but he doesn't see it like, I mean seeing your brother as "another man" is a huge red flag isn't it?

No, the question should be, why does her husband want to make her life harder.

IMO there is middle ground here.

The DH is obviously out of order for behaving exactly as he is, but given the OP’s previous experiences suggesting that she is liable to get hurt isn’t such a crazy thought.

So according to the OP she was estranged from her family who turned against her, she then met up with one of her brothers who hasn’t kept in touch, met another one who she talks to sporadically but hasn’t met, and has now found a 3rd one.

I think it’s safe to say that these reunions are rarely like these television programmes where everyone is so happy and goes on to have a long and fulfilling close relationship, and there’s as much chance that it won’t work out as that it will.

That doesn’t mean the OP’s DH should be behaving the way he is, he absolutely shouldn’t. But the OP does need to take it slowly and be prepared for the possibility that this isn’t going to be a relationship made in heaven, which given her previous experiences is more likely than not.

Actually not necessarily.

Genetic sexual attraction is very real and far more common than we realise.

Was your husband jealous of the attention you gave to your children when they were born? Some men cannot tolerate their partner's attention being directed away from them, no matter what the reason. They are insecure man-babies and unlikely to change.

He is your husband, not your boss.
Re meeting your brother and husband's "no, not for a long time." comment, well he can stick that right up his arse.
How dare he make you dread your video call with your brother?
Read him the riot act and tell him he will lose you if he carries on. Honestly, please stand up for yourself.

Maybe this is wild, but there isn't a chance that your husband could be a brother too?
I can't understand any other scenario where he wouldn't be pleased for you

Meeting your brother may or may not be the entirely happy occasion you are hoping for, but that is a risk for you to assess. Your husband does not get to tell you whom you can meet or when.

Correct.
But we don’t always react perfectly when we’re in the situation. Which very much seems like the situation here.
OP can either go in all guns blazing, or open up communication. One of them will be a fast track to divorce, which seems extreme in this scenario.
As others have said, if this was a gender flip and DH was dedicating his time to long lost DS everyone would be saying how awful he is.

if this was a gender flip and DH was dedicating his time to long lost DS everyone would be saying how awful he is.

Imagine posting on AIBU - "my husband just found his long lost sister who was adopted out as a child. They've been talking over message every day for the last couple of weeks, and he didn't answer the phone to me on one occasion because he was talking to her. Now they're planning a video call!? AIBU to have called his biological sister "some bird" and suggested he was going to leave me because of/for her?"

I suspect a woman would have her arse handed to her. At best she'd be told to get a grip and asked if she's usually so paranoid.

I actually agree with you here, but it doesn't sound like the husband's negative reaction to the appearance of the third brother is that he's afraid his wife is going to get hurt and he wants her to take things slowly and not get her hopes up. It seems to be about him, and how she'll have less time for him

Are you allowed friendships OP?
I'm concerned that your husband has a problem with you socialising. He wants you all to himself in a way that does not seem healthy.

" if you are going to sustain a relationship with your brother long term, your husband is best to be included .."

He is a controlling twat - I'd opt for divorce rather than inclusion

This is quite common in these circumstances. Have you and your brothers had counselling or therapy of any kind to deal with these reunions? If not, I would recommend that you consider it. For your husband, it sounds as though he feels that he rescued you, and perhaps secretly/subconsciously felt superior to you because of his relatively stable, family background. His status is threatened by the fact that your biological family are tracing you and making contact. He needs to understand that this is not about him. You have to do what is best for you, meet with your brothers when you decide it is right for you and not when your husband says its okay. Others posters have mentioned controlling behaviour. He might not have displayed it before, but perhaps this was because he didn't need to. Now that he feels threatened and insecure, you are seeing it. Having said that, it is worth considering whether you re jumping in too quickly. Perhaps you do need to exercise caution as well, possibly wait a little while before meeting up with your brother.

Speak for yourself, you have absolutely no idea what everyone else here would say.

I think his remark about his family being your only family for 11 years is enlightening Op, it's almost like he thinks you have him and his family so you shouldn't need anyone else.
He might have always been a bit jealous/possessive but it didn't show_ he had you to himself and then your DC having SN also cut you off from friends. I'd keep an eye on this Op, if he can't cope with you having your own family that doesn't bode well