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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband unreasonable over long lost brother?

121 replies

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 06:08

Hi so my brother who was adopted out as a child 30 years ago, has found me literally this week.
iv been talking to him and my other brothers most of this week probably an hour a day.
so we were all taken as children, there’s 7 of us but me and 2 brothers were kept together.
This brother who has found us was adopted out and we haven’t seen or heard from him in all those years.
getting to my point, my husband has been acting stroppy and making comments about talking to them too much, and not bothering with him and that I’m ignoring him over “some bloke”
he was annoyed I didn’t answer his call as I was talking to my brother and I shouldn’t ignore him.
telling me to ignore calls and just being really funny with me.
brother had mentioned meeting at some point but husband is saying no not for a long time.
iv tried reassuring him nothing changes between me and him but for gods sake he is my brother who I have missed dearly and I feel like my husband has ruined what is supposed to be a happy time.
he isn’t being supportive at all and telling me Iv used him and now I don’t need him anymore!
what the bloody hell is his issue?
iv tried getting him involved in conversations and he is still stroppy. I have to text my brother in secret and pretend I haven’t heard off him just to avoid his moodiness. Is this jealousy or possessiveness or what?
I know I don’t know my brother anymore and I’m not rushing into anything but this can’t be right surely?
if it were him I’d be so happy for him and would support him fully.
am I being unreasonable? Is hubby unreasonable?
he does this everytime a family member has found me.. I’m confused?

OP posts:
NewHeaven · 14/02/2025 08:25

Tell your husband to fuck off and he can easily be replaced by a more decent human or just dumped altogether. However, your brother is your flesh and blood and knew you before your abusive husband came along.

Wow, what a Prince he is that he's threatened by a man who was adopted out as a child. What a nasty, pathetic little shit he is that he has no compassion or empathy for your traumatic family background.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/02/2025 08:25

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 06:55

@user1492757084
Thank you i was so excited too!
Brothers are involving hubby too so I don't get it.
Well there's 3 left out there which we are all trying to trace! Fingers crossed

Good luck.

My late husband was brought up (by his grandparents, it turned out) as an only child.

When he was in his 60s, chance put us in touch with a relative of his step-gran. She gave us the name of a cousin who lived abroad.

That cousin told my husband he had a sister...Then she found an old address book...

Short version: DH eventually made contact with the sister and then discovered that he also had a brother. He went from having no blood relatives to having a brother, sister, nephews and great-nieces.

Applesonthelawn · 14/02/2025 08:26

Your DH sounds very insecure and okay, we all have our imperfections and maybe that's all it is and he can work through it. But generally it can become a real pain to tiptoe around someone's silly sensitivities. So you can try your best to help dh feel better but ultimately, don't let him put you off getting to know your brother better and pursuing the relationship with all your other siblings because that is a lovely thing for you to be able to do. If dh succeeds in stopping you, his emotional manipulations have worked and he'll double down on it next time. So stay calm, carry on, but put reasonable effort into trying to help dh cope with his insecurity too.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 08:26

When my father died, a long lost brother came to light. Obviously my siblings and I wanted to get to know him.

My DP at the time reacted in a similar way to your DH. Angry, negative about new DB and almost jealous.

I dumped him.

Namechangeforthis88 · 14/02/2025 08:29

Maybe he preferred it when you were isolated, vulnerable and dependent on him alone. I sincerely hope he gives himself a shake and starts supporting you.

Chillibeds · 14/02/2025 08:32

Fraaances · 14/02/2025 07:38

I'm really concerned about him trying (very obviously) to isolate you. You have no friends and he's weird about your family. This is emotional abuse.

This.
He is controlling and abusive.
Please contact Women's aid as you need to realise this is abuse.
Please do not accept this.

Wishing you well.

WearyAuldWumman · 14/02/2025 08:34

Madamecholetsbonnet · 14/02/2025 08:26

When my father died, a long lost brother came to light. Obviously my siblings and I wanted to get to know him.

My DP at the time reacted in a similar way to your DH. Angry, negative about new DB and almost jealous.

I dumped him.

My late husband's adult children never really came to terms with having new family - but in their case, I think it was complicated. They were both adopted and stated that they never wanted to know their birth family, so I think it made them uneasy that their dad wanted to know his biological family.

(He was brought up by his grandfather and step-gran.)

I don't think they got the fact that DH had never had a sibling - and was without an extended family, so was excited and happy to have the bonus of finding his brother and sister.

MissUltraViolet · 14/02/2025 08:35

Your husband is panicking that you surrounding yourself with people is going to give you courage and confidence and make you realise he’s an abusive prick.

You are going to destroy what he has worked hard to accomplish, his complete isolation of you.

Get to know your brothers, do NOT let him stop you, you need them. It’ll be much easier once you have left him.

Chuchoter · 14/02/2025 08:39

Firstly, I'm so pleased for you and your brothers that your other brother has found you and I quash you all a very happy reunion.

This is a huge thing in your life and your husband should be happy for you and understand that you are going to be spending time communication with your family. You've even tried to involve him.

Sadly, he is disrespectful, spiteful, jealous, controlling and downright nasty.

Don't let him sabotage what is a lovely thing in your life.

At the heart of it I suspect he's insecure and needy and that would truly put me off him.

BountifulPantry · 14/02/2025 08:41

This is crazy behaviour on behalf of your OH.

My OH has a 1/2 brother out there somewhere (product of an affair). If they connected I would be so thrilled for him! Super supportive and happy for him.

He wants you all to himself… ask yourself why that is.

MissUltraViolet · 14/02/2025 08:43

“but put reasonable effort into trying to help dh cope with his insecurity too.“

Ignore this ‘advice’ OP. Your husband is abusive. He’s a giant, pathetic man baby at best. You don’t need to put any effort into helping HIM cope.

Any loving, kind partner would be pleased for you, they’d be telling you to be a little careful but encouraging you to get to know them and be happily involved to support and look after you in the process.

cinnamonbunfight · 14/02/2025 08:46

JustMyView13 · 14/02/2025 07:01

I’m not suggesting he should be jealous of your newly forming relationship with your brother…
But for balance, if every time a lost relative gets in touch, you go from 0-100 with them, I can see why that might irritate even the most calm amongst us. There might be an element of jealousy, but it might more be a want to protect you. You don’t know these men. And whilst you do share their blood and they’re probably very nice people, there’s nothing to say they aren’t fraudsters, violent, abusive etc.
Perhaps he feels uneasy that you offer up so much info about yourself and your life before really knowing who they are.

Have you had a calm conversation with your husband about what this means to you? Or do you hope that he just knows?

Well then he could express it like an adult instead of calling the brother ‘some bloke’.

This really isn’t ok of him. I would be rethinking the entire marriage personally.

kinkytoes · 14/02/2025 08:52

Devil's advocate here

Reverse the roles and see how you might feel if he ignored your calls because he found a sister.

I think it might be worth a love bomb tbh. If he's feeling insecure, pushing him further away won't help.

Hopefully you'll all come together eventually but you might need to help smooth the way if you want everyone to come along for the ride.

Checkhov · 14/02/2025 08:58

Looks like your DH is trying to ruin your relationship with your brothers, OP because he is jealous and needy. Have you honestly thought about ending things with your DH? Life can look very happy being free of a jealous partner.

Horserider5678 · 14/02/2025 08:58

user1492757084 · 14/02/2025 06:49

Arrange to all meet as soon as you can, husband included.
You don't need his permission but, realistically, if you are going to sustain a relationship with your brother long term, your husband is best to be included .. and he's better off not having an imaginary vision.

This is so exciting, Op.
You have a whole life to catch up on.
Have all seven of you reunited?

certainly don’t rush to meet and slow down the contact! I’ve a friend who was adopted at birth who found her birth mother and siblings a few years ago, it all went horribly wrong and she’s been left devastated as they don’t want anything to do with her! Just maybe that’s what her DH is concerned about and the trauma it may cause! It’s not always champagne and flowers when siblings find each other!

Naunet · 14/02/2025 09:00

kinkytoes · 14/02/2025 08:52

Devil's advocate here

Reverse the roles and see how you might feel if he ignored your calls because he found a sister.

I think it might be worth a love bomb tbh. If he's feeling insecure, pushing him further away won't help.

Hopefully you'll all come together eventually but you might need to help smooth the way if you want everyone to come along for the ride.

I highly doubt OP would think she had the right to dictate when he could meet his sister and tell him how he's been using her all these years and is now going to leave her, because OP doesn't seem like an insecure, controling, nutcase of a human.

Grammarnut · 14/02/2025 09:00

Not the same but my late DH was estranged from his younger children. Out of the blue his DD contacted us. I was so happy for him and he and his DS went to see her as soon as possible. Your DH is a complete nitwitty twerp. He should be supporting you, helping to arrange for your brother - his brother-in-law - to visit, and be welcoming and encouraging.
Do not text DB in secret. If DH objects point out that he is being ridiculous and he that can go stuff himself if he will not support you so he had better change his attitude sharpish. Then sit him down. Tell him his attitude is a load of tripe and he needs to stop now and support you in what is a marvellous event.
Do you have DC btw?

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 14/02/2025 09:03

discdiscsnap · 14/02/2025 06:32

So no one taught him to share his toys as a child?

He's probably alway been a bit possessive/controlling but it's only become obvious now that you have something he's not a part of.

You need to be firm, you will talk to your family and meet them and he can be a part of it if he chooses to but he is not to spoil this for you.

Good advice. Congratulations on this very happy reunion, OP. Don’t let your silly husband spoil it.

kinkytoes · 14/02/2025 09:04

Naunet · 14/02/2025 09:00

I highly doubt OP would think she had the right to dictate when he could meet his sister and tell him how he's been using her all these years and is now going to leave her, because OP doesn't seem like an insecure, controling, nutcase of a human.

Show quote history

No clearly there is a level of unreasonable behaviour here but a little consideration might go a long way.

Why would OP want to make her life harder?

EvelynBeatrice · 14/02/2025 09:07

Counselling. Will allow him to express ( if there’s any) reasonable anxiety about your being hurt or not needing him and help you to move forward together or, alternatively, will flush out if he is indeed just a controlling possessive man.

Bodybutterblusher · 14/02/2025 09:07

Obviously he's been a dick. With that said, you will never have the relationship with you brother that you'd have had if you'd spent your formative years together and to an extent he is right not to assume that there will be an automatic sibling dynamic between you.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 14/02/2025 09:08

Husband sounds jealous and controlling and non-supportive.

He can sort this behaviour out or create a massive wedge between the two of you.

He can clearly see how much this means and should be supporting you. The fact he isn’t is because he wants to keep you just for him. Appalling behaviour.

Maybe DH needs to know what he could lose if he carries on behaving like this?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 14/02/2025 09:15

@Ambi88 but you state that you and two brothers were kept together? why are you saying that you have only had your husband for the past 11 years? where did the two brothers disappear to?

Jetstream · 14/02/2025 09:17

Our sister was adopted and we didn’t know about her until 10 years ago. She is now an accpted member of our family. You must be so excited to have your brothers back. Your husband needs to, to put mildly, keep his trap shut.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 14/02/2025 09:20

I think your husband chose to marry you because you were isolated and had nobody else. You'd have to depend only on him for everything and have nobody else to go to in an emergency. I bet if you think clearly there have been issues, and times when he has made himself the centre of your world to stop you from seeking advice elsewhere?

Now you are possibly about to gain a support network and other people to talk to, you are no longer socially isolated and he feels threatened. This can't be a co incidence.

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