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Original poster

Husband unreasonable over long lost brother?

121 replies

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 06:08

Hi so my brother who was adopted out as a child 30 years ago, has found me literally this week.
iv been talking to him and my other brothers most of this week probably an hour a day.
so we were all taken as children, there’s 7 of us but me and 2 brothers were kept together.
This brother who has found us was adopted out and we haven’t seen or heard from him in all those years.
getting to my point, my husband has been acting stroppy and making comments about talking to them too much, and not bothering with him and that I’m ignoring him over “some bloke”
he was annoyed I didn’t answer his call as I was talking to my brother and I shouldn’t ignore him.
telling me to ignore calls and just being really funny with me.
brother had mentioned meeting at some point but husband is saying no not for a long time.
iv tried reassuring him nothing changes between me and him but for gods sake he is my brother who I have missed dearly and I feel like my husband has ruined what is supposed to be a happy time.
he isn’t being supportive at all and telling me Iv used him and now I don’t need him anymore!
what the bloody hell is his issue?
iv tried getting him involved in conversations and he is still stroppy. I have to text my brother in secret and pretend I haven’t heard off him just to avoid his moodiness. Is this jealousy or possessiveness or what?
I know I don’t know my brother anymore and I’m not rushing into anything but this can’t be right surely?
if it were him I’d be so happy for him and would support him fully.
am I being unreasonable? Is hubby unreasonable?
he does this everytime a family member has found me.. I’m confused?

OP posts:
Dymaxion · 14/02/2025 06:56

He sounds very insecure ? Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes, he should be happy for you, that you have had this opportunity to reconnect with a sibling. You would support him if the situation was reversed wouldn't you ?

Theuniversalshere1 · 14/02/2025 06:58

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 06:26

Wow so many responses already! Thank you all.
Iv never had family so it's been me and him for the 11 years we've been together.
He's never been controlling but Iv been seeing it the last few years since family has found me etc.
He just acts really off with me and yeah jealous I guess which is weird!
We had a massive argument about his behaviour yesterday and he said he's trying to protect me and doesn't want me to leave him? It's all very odd. It's like he wants my full attention constantly.
It just feels so unfair that he always adds negativity to happy things 🙄
Iv got a video call with said brother tomorrow and I'm dreading it

You shouldn't be dreading reuniting with lost family.

He is being on the verge of emotionally abusive here op. He needs to stop sharpish and you need to spell it out to him in plain words, no way is he ruining this for you.

Your poor long lost brother will pick up on it too.

AFingerofFudge · 14/02/2025 06:58

As an adoptee that has recently been in reunion (I was adopted as a baby) it has been the most amazing and yet the most stressful situation to be in and I couldn't have done it without my DH's support. He has taken so much interest, encouraged me to talk to them, come with me when i recently travelled nearly 24hrs to meet them and just generally rejoiced for me!

Your DH is a knob - do not let him control this situation because hopefully your brother is going to be in your life a lot longer than it sounds your DH will he.

JustMyView13 · 14/02/2025 07:01

I’m not suggesting he should be jealous of your newly forming relationship with your brother…
But for balance, if every time a lost relative gets in touch, you go from 0-100 with them, I can see why that might irritate even the most calm amongst us. There might be an element of jealousy, but it might more be a want to protect you. You don’t know these men. And whilst you do share their blood and they’re probably very nice people, there’s nothing to say they aren’t fraudsters, violent, abusive etc.
Perhaps he feels uneasy that you offer up so much info about yourself and your life before really knowing who they are.

Have you had a calm conversation with your husband about what this means to you? Or do you hope that he just knows?

user1492757084 · 14/02/2025 07:02

Best of luck, Op. I hope you find the other three.
Do you know if they are sisters or brothers?

My SIL, and two friends found their bio families and are satisfied to have done so. Not much has changed, day to day, but they enjoy knowing their history and having contact.

Pipsquiggle · 14/02/2025 07:03

Your DH sounds pretty horrible TBH. He should be happy for you, particularly as he has family

It's still very early days with your 'new' brother, you don't know how things will pan out. Sometimes after the initial contact and excitement things just don't click so die down pretty quickly.

Not sure why your DH is so negative about this unless your family members are nightmares

ilovelamp82 · 14/02/2025 07:04

Wow. Your husband is acting like a controlling abusive awful man and a stroppy foot stomping toddler at the same time. How attractive. Tell him straight. Sort yourself out and be supportive or be on your way.
Sorry you're having to deal with him at this happy and exciting time. Don't let someone that is supposed to love you ruin it.

Original poster
Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 07:06

@JustMyView13
I completely understand that and iv been very careful about what info I give out because as you said I don't know them anymore.
Iv sat and had a conversation with my hubby about how he's making me feel and reassured him that I'm being careful and just want his support and he's fine again until one of them call me then he goes funny again

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 14/02/2025 07:06

Your husband was probably content and happy all your focus was on him this is why he is acting like this, he is insecure and jealous which he's probably always been, he doesn't want you seeing your brother because he doesn't want you seeing there might be life beyond him.

This could escalate your husbands controlling behaviour just be aware of that.

Justanotherperson2025 · 14/02/2025 07:07

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 06:08

Hi so my brother who was adopted out as a child 30 years ago, has found me literally this week.
iv been talking to him and my other brothers most of this week probably an hour a day.
so we were all taken as children, there’s 7 of us but me and 2 brothers were kept together.
This brother who has found us was adopted out and we haven’t seen or heard from him in all those years.
getting to my point, my husband has been acting stroppy and making comments about talking to them too much, and not bothering with him and that I’m ignoring him over “some bloke”
he was annoyed I didn’t answer his call as I was talking to my brother and I shouldn’t ignore him.
telling me to ignore calls and just being really funny with me.
brother had mentioned meeting at some point but husband is saying no not for a long time.
iv tried reassuring him nothing changes between me and him but for gods sake he is my brother who I have missed dearly and I feel like my husband has ruined what is supposed to be a happy time.
he isn’t being supportive at all and telling me Iv used him and now I don’t need him anymore!
what the bloody hell is his issue?
iv tried getting him involved in conversations and he is still stroppy. I have to text my brother in secret and pretend I haven’t heard off him just to avoid his moodiness. Is this jealousy or possessiveness or what?
I know I don’t know my brother anymore and I’m not rushing into anything but this can’t be right surely?
if it were him I’d be so happy for him and would support him fully.
am I being unreasonable? Is hubby unreasonable?
he does this everytime a family member has found me.. I’m confused?

You are married to a shit head. Sorry.

Isthisit22 · 14/02/2025 07:09

Do you have any friends?
Sounds like your husband likes to keep you isolated and controlled

Original poster
Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 07:09

@Coffeeishot
That's exactly what I'm thinking. That maybe he thinks I'll realise that there's more to life than just him. He has no reason to act this way it's just bizarre

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 07:10

@Isthisit22
No I don't have friends, I did until I had children who have special needs so it's hard for me to socialise
So it has just been me and him and obviously the children

OP posts:
noglobe · 14/02/2025 07:29

If it counts for anything OP, I was really happy for you reading your news. To find a long lost brother after so many years is a cause for celebration, and you should be excited to talk and catch up, not dreading contact with him because of your husband's ridiculous tantrums.

Your husband needs to stop this strange brand of "protectiveness" that's mainly centred around him worrying about you leaving him, either to run off into the sunset with a biological relative, or alone because you've got somebody to talk to other than him. He clearly wants you to be isolated, which is alarming.
Getting angry because you're on the phone isn't protective either, it's controlling.
You're changing your behaviour during what should be a happy time (texting in secret) to avoid the consequences of triggering your husband's entirely unreasonable annoyance about it.

I'd leave for this kind of emotionally abusive behaviour. Hopefully yours will immediately stop being an arse, but from what you've described I fear he may escalate instead.

Fraaances · 14/02/2025 07:38

I'm really concerned about him trying (very obviously) to isolate you. You have no friends and he's weird about your family. This is emotional abuse.

BustyLaRoux · 14/02/2025 07:41

Jealous and insecure. Not very appealing. He should be happy for you. I suspect he is controlling in other more subtle ways too.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 14/02/2025 07:41

Your husband is selfish, controlling and emotionally stunted. Go see your brother. Leave your "d"h

Praying4Peace · 14/02/2025 07:49

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 06:26

Wow so many responses already! Thank you all.
Iv never had family so it's been me and him for the 11 years we've been together.
He's never been controlling but Iv been seeing it the last few years since family has found me etc.
He just acts really off with me and yeah jealous I guess which is weird!
We had a massive argument about his behaviour yesterday and he said he's trying to protect me and doesn't want me to leave him? It's all very odd. It's like he wants my full attention constantly.
It just feels so unfair that he always adds negativity to happy things 🙄
Iv got a video call with said brother tomorrow and I'm dreading it

Congratulations on finding your brother, very emotional time for you all 🙏
Someone needs to give your husband a massive shake and let him know how ridiculous he is being.
Embrace the video call and the future

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/02/2025 07:53

The fact that your husband thinks he gets a say in whether you see/speak to your brother or not is a huge red flag.

Coffeeishot · 14/02/2025 07:56

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 14/02/2025 07:53

The fact that your husband thinks he gets a say in whether you see/speak to your brother or not is a huge red flag.

Yes this, it isn't his decision.

jackstini · 14/02/2025 08:02

Ambi88 · 14/02/2025 07:10

@Isthisit22
No I don't have friends, I did until I had children who have special needs so it's hard for me to socialise
So it has just been me and him and obviously the children

Your selfish H wants all your attention focused on him and the dc - he doesn't want this to change and remind you there is more to life than a whiny manchild

Does he ever do anything with the children, help care for their needs?

Having friends and family apart from him is so important for your support and happiness

You deserve to have friends
You have every right to enjoy this wonderful news and meet your brother

Your H is an arsehole - he's not looking out for you and the only one he's protecting is himself

You need to tell him straight that his behaviour is a complete turn off and is making you feel differently about him. You are doing this with or without his support - but how he handles this will make a difference to your relationship

I hope you have a really lovely call and meet up with your brother soon

couchparsnip · 14/02/2025 08:02

Is it possible that you are in a controlling and possibly abusive relationship but you're not seeing it?

Your childhood sounds difficult, so perhaps you haven't seen what a good relationship looks like from your parents.

Your husband might be scared that your brother or his wife will see what's happening to you and convince you to leave him. It's not necessarily jealousy, he could be wanting to keep control of you and sees you slipping away.

UnexpectedCost · 14/02/2025 08:05

I wonder if he would be like this if you had discovered adopted sisters, or whether there is a weird sexual jealousy too.

Either way, he does not want you to be happy and excited. Which is appalling.

CautiousLurker01 · 14/02/2025 08:22

UnexpectedCost · 14/02/2025 06:30

So has he done this kind of thing before?

Show quote history

Yes, I am agree and I’m inferring, OP, that he has actually been quietly controlling you for the entire 11 years. He may have chosen you because you had no-one else so he would have your undivided attention and you are naturally submissive/compliant/eager to please because of your childhood experienced. This is a coercive controller’s dream because he doesn’t have to wear you down or even have to alienate you from friends and family as part of his process.

I may be wrong, but am wondering how he reacts to your friends (do you have any that he hasn’t curated or are not part of his personal circle, for example), do you have have share finances, are you on the deeds of any property you both own?

No need to answer, but all of this fleshes out your relationship and may give PPs more insight into his behaviour?

JoyousPinkPeer · 14/02/2025 08:25

Your husband is a complete and utter twait.