To feel upset I won’t be invited to his parents 60th?

[PrueD]

I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and I’ve never met his parents. His parents know all about me and he chats to them when I’m there etc but they live in another country in Europe, so he doesn’t see them often.

About 8 months in, he told me they had said I’m welcome to visit any time. I’m now at a point where I know so much about them but we haven’t met. He is also divorced for 5 years.

Now he tells me he and his brother are planning a 60th party for his parents this summer. And tells me we can go on holiday together the next month - I’m basically not invited and I feel hurt.

for all intents and purposes this is a serious relationship and he even spent part of Christmas with my family and see them
a lot. I feel this is just too long to wait.

I will have a conversation with him about it. He just brought it up last night when I was shattered after a long week. Wasn’t in the best mindset to tackle it.

he told me he was free from July for us to take a trip together last month, so the fact he’s still taking a trip but im not invited to it. We will definitely do something else but I want to meet his parents this year 100%

Be careful what you wish for OP.
You might end up wishing you'd never met them.

Have the conversation, explain the contrast with how you’ve behaved- say think about how my parents took both of us out this weekend. Can you imagine a scenario, even if they lived in another country, where you weren’t invited to their 60th? I feel like there are double standards here, and I’ve been committing to a relationship that actually isn’t committing the same way back, which is giving me doubts about the whole thing and is quite upsetting.

Agree. Regardless of the occasion, I think if the gathering is going to be family and friends who have known each other for a long time and are comfortable with each other, introducing a gf who no one has met would change the dynamic, and result in a bit of a change in focus.

You are not being unreasonable if you were in a serious relationship. However, you are not in a serious relationship.

Pay attention because this is important:
HE DOES NOT WANT TO ANNOUNCE HE IS WITH YOU.

And not just to his parents, but also not to his brother, and not to every single one of their relatives, friends and the neighbors nor anybody else he grew up around.

There is not a serious relationship if only one person thinks it's serious. It makes you the delusional partner. I suspect you can do (much) better than this guy.

Just ask the question! If it’s difficult to do that, your relationship is lacking!

A bit harsh, people will always have different opinions.

I can see both sides but personally I think it is a bit strange to feel entitled to be invited to a notable wedding anniversary of people you've never met in person. Despite the way things have gone since the pandemic, I don't believe remote communication is a complete substitution for F2F interaction, so I don't think X years of remote interaction means a lot. Being in a relationship does not mean you are joined at the hip.

And people are still calling it a wedding anniversary! 🤷

Why don’t ppl just communicate their thoughts sharing same bed but don’t talk. Come out and ask point blank gently but ask. This is why marriages/relationships don’t last ppl don’t start right and breed an environment u cannot be yourself

See I don’t agree with this at all. I was first introduced to DP grandma at her 80th birthday party, as well as meeting many other family members for the first time. I’m also the second wife and he has kids with the first and the kids attended the party with us (ex wife was not there). I don’t think my presence detracted from her birthday in any way at all. It was lovely hearing some family speeches about her and helped me feel I knee her more.

But you probably spoke the language. I don't think the issue is so much that the parents don't want the limelight stolen but more that the boyfriend is hosting and doesn't see his family more than once or twice a year and probably his extended family a lot less than that so he wants to be able to relax and spend quality time with them rather than translating and making sure OP has someone she can talk to in English.

YABU because you are asking MN not your partner. Relationship can’t be solid if this simple conversation can’t take place. Or you can’t even suggest a trip to see them.

with respect to the party since you don’t speak their language I think it’s sensible. He will be focussed on the arrangements and as he doesn’t go back much wants to be the doting son. Not have to act as your interpreter or chaperone you round his relatives.

seems selfish to turn this into something about you. He is doing a thing for his parents, you don’t even live together.

Very rude, I had bf who wouldn't introduce me to his dad and wouldn't even mention me.

Looking back it's not something I would tolerate now.

Op I think you need to tackle this head on. I think the reasons of baby sitting and language are absolutely nonsensical.

I've been with people who don't speak the same language and you can still communicate, smiling, actions, body language... Draw pictures if necessary but no reason not to go.

I'm afraid it would be a red line for me

Really sorry OP, but it's clear he's just not that into you. Cut your losses and move on.

OP says it's a European country, could be somewhere like Turkey, where parts of it are very conservative. I once had a Turkish boyfriend but he would never have married me, I was definitely the UK love interest.

What nonsense. Both my adult children introduced their new partners at big family events, precisely because they did not want the attention to be on them. And it worked very well. Come to think of it, so did my sibling and I.

OP, you need a clear conversation with your dp, and soon. He may assume you understand that you are an item and therefore tag along with him. Or it may be something else entirely. But until you actually talk about it and ask questions you will not know.

I think you (and a lot of posters) are underestimating the language barrier.

I live in a European country and have a lot of experience of family gatherings where there is a language difference.

Even if people speak good English they might not particularly want to at a family gathering in their own country. It changes the vibe. No doubt they will kindly and politely speak to you in English if you go to this event but why should they?

It is a very British thing to just expect people to be perfectly happy to speak to you in a language that is not their own just because they can.

Anyone that you speak to will be baby sitting you. And your partner is probably very aware of that.

So IMO it is absolutely not the right occasion to introduce you. Let them enjoy their family party / special occasion in their own language and organise another time to visit where the focus is on you meeting them and it is much more reasonable to therefore expect them to speak your language.

And before then, make an attempt to learn some of their language so at the very least you can thank them for speaking English.

I'm actually quite surprised that you want to go.

If he saw his parents more than twice a year I'd be more annoyed but it sounds like he doesn't get much time with them and may want them, not you, to be the focus of his attention here.

I would take that to mean that he isn't treating you like a serious partnership. I would also stop him going along with you and your parents when you go out. He clearly enjoys that yet won't give you the same privilege.

You're overthinking this. I've been with DH since 2010, married since 2016. I met his dad last year for the first time, and never met his mum as she died in 2022. They weren't even in another country, just in a different city about 150 miles away. He spent loads of time with my parents, at their home and ours. I didn't feel like he wasn't committed to me because I hadn't met his parents.

I bet he doesn't expect the OPs parents to speak to him in a language that is not their own though.

Whilst you are right that in the UK, we are very entitled and realise we don't have to bother learning other languages, I don't really buy what you're saying about being babysat just because you're an English only speaker.

For example, my experience of Germany was that I wanted to speak German all the time to improve my German but the natives wanted to speak English all the time with me because they enjoyed it. Even at a family party I went to.

I agree.
If he is hosting the party and the parents and their close friends are elderly it would be difficult for him to give you the time you deserve - ensuring you are comfortable and being able to mix and mingle despite the language barrier ( and possible hearing problems with the elderly ). Meeting younger relatives etc.
Ideally he should introduce you long before the party and then if you wished you could attend.

They're only 60!

But you were able to speak German, right?

It's very different if you can speak the language of a country and then locals want to practice their English with you.

It's not the same as "I don't speak the language but it will be fine because most people speak my language".

I'm in France with relatives in Italy. A lot of people I know think the British attitude to languages is rather rude (and lazy).