To feel upset I won’t be invited to his parents 60th?

[PrueD]

I’ve been with my partner for 15 months and I’ve never met his parents. His parents know all about me and he chats to them when I’m there etc but they live in another country in Europe, so he doesn’t see them often.

About 8 months in, he told me they had said I’m welcome to visit any time. I’m now at a point where I know so much about them but we haven’t met. He is also divorced for 5 years.

Now he tells me he and his brother are planning a 60th party for his parents this summer. And tells me we can go on holiday together the next month - I’m basically not invited and I feel hurt.

for all intents and purposes this is a serious relationship and he even spent part of Christmas with my family and see them
a lot. I feel this is just too long to wait.

To clarify, this is a joint 60th birthday party.

I see people’s point of view that he might feel the need to babysit me at the party.

I also think if I’d met them before now that wouldn’t need to be the case!

so maybe this conversation needs to be about meeting them in general. I want to ensure we’re on the same page.

You describe him as your partner.

This should be an easy conversation. "I'd love to come, how would you feel about that? ".

It could be he's assumed you don't want to.

If you ask on here, you still won't know. You'll just have a bunch of insane suggestions of why it could be.

Nonsense. It’s a very normal thing to do. Why do posters think events “focus” on one person or another? It’s just insecurity and gaucherie. Unless OP dresses up as a llama and performs cartwheels she’s just another party guest.

Completely agree. Family gatherings to celebrate milestone occasions aren’t the time or place to introduce new girlfriends. We’re having a big family celebration for our silver wedding this year and would refuse a request to invite a new partner who we hadn’t met before. It would change the dynamic.

Why is everyone going on about an anniversary. I think a party is the perfect place to meet family all at once because the focus isn't on the new partner and allows them to meet every one in a less intense setting. Maybe he is presuming it would be too much for you at once. Ask him.

Edited as have just seen op has actually clarified it's not an anniversary and is a birthday party. Don't see the issue meeting people at a party at all.

I think you should be invited . Ask him . And thank you for clarifying it was a 60th birthday party which I thought it would be!!

Given it is a 60th anniversary, I imagine they are in their 80's. Perhaps their health isn't great and they just don't want to meet you at this point.

For all the people saying a party is not the right place to meet his parents and she shouldn’t go - the party is not until summer. He has plenty of time to introduce her to them now and let them get to know each other before then, it’s strange to say you’re serious about someone but not introduce them to any family after 15 months. I’d find that rude and possibly a red flag.

I understand OP's concerns. I would expect to be invited to the shindig, it would be an ideal time to be introduced to all the fam, not just the parents, in a low key way, when she is dressed up and everyone is in a happy place.

There may be reasons why DP has not yet invited her, and if this is a serious relationship, I think it would important to broach this with him.

Also I broached meeting them once before, and I said I’d like to meet them.

@Honeyroar just to say, he won’t see his parents before then either due to the nature of his job. He only sees them once or twice a year.

I just want some reassurance that the relationship is as serious as it seems to be and obviously I’m really keen to meet these people I know are precious to him.

Quite. They could arrive the day before if necessary.

I’m afraid it does raise flags after this amount of time. An old friend whose partner wouldn’t introduce her to his parents - delayed and delayed - became clear he hadn’t introduced her because he wasn’t sure about her. Fell apart in the end.

@Mirabai i hope this isn’t the case.

for me it would be ridiculous to get to our two year anniversary later this year and still not have met.

Given that his family live in his home country it’s going to be a bit more difficult for OP to do this though, so not really a red flag. Unless they’re comfortably off travel costs are going to be a factor, depending on the location. It’s not like you can just nip up the road for a cuppa !!

I understand that, but you seem to be comparing apples and oranges. You and he see your parents all the time because you’re geographically close— if he only sees his once or twice a year, and they’re in a different country, it’s a completely different situation. In a similar situation, I certainly wouldn’t mean I wasn’t serious about you if I didn’t haul you to another country to meet my parents after 15 months, and I’ll be honest, if there’s a language barrier, I wouldn’t want to introduce you at a special family occasion where I had to be by your side as interpreter. I always get stuck with this role at family occasions involving married friends whose families don’t share a language, and it can be difficult to juggle it with enjoyment!

OP do you think it’s linked to the fact that he’s divorced in any way ? Perhaps he feels he needs more time before introducing you, so that his family appreciate that this is a serious relationship. Has he had other GF’s since his divorce ?

@Rosscameasdoody i think it might be. His ex wife was involved in all his family events. I do wonder how much time he needs. I suppose I need to ask!

but really, his parents want to meet me and I want them. I could see him overthinking this.

Also his brother’s girlfriend who lives locally will be there and she speaks perfect English. I understand the why but eventually you start to feel like the only excluded one.

This is understandably upsetting you, OP. You need to speak with him about it.

Surly 1 year and 3 months is long enough?

Of course she will, presumably she spends time with the parents on a regular basis. She’s not meeting them for the first time. I wonder how long she and the brother have been together?

I would be asking to go and see his parents privately first rather than at a big party. I think I would see how that goes before considering if you should attend. Personally I can see that a big party like this feels like you are on show and the priority should be the parents rather than you. I think I would give the party itself a miss.

Some people don't want to introduce their family for many reasons. Not all about the op, he may be worried that his family will scare her off?

Why ? i was officially introduced at my in laws 40th wedding anniversary
I get there is more to this with the op but being introduced at a party or celebration is not wrong. Due to distance we often dont meet family members new partners until we are at family celebrations like weddings or parties

I met DP’s parents for the first time at their wedding anniversary party! The timing made sense, they wouldn’t have dreamed of not inviting their son’s girlfriend, it took the pressure off because it was a party about them rather than “Let’s interrogate the new girlfriend”. Everyone in festive mode and as I knew the least people, they were able to celebrate and enjoy their party while I made myself busy ferrying food from oven to buffet, topping up drinks, helping to clear up. All the mucking in fast-forwarded the comfortable factor.

No language barrier, though: is your partner worried he’ll have to babysit you?