To think you don’t get ‘Brownie Points’ for going to work socials?

[Austell]

I worked in the same place for 2 years. For a lot of that time, I was on a huge weight loss journey - think losing in the region of 7 stone in total - going from 22 to a size 8 via calorie controlled diet and exercise - so big life change.

Sometimes during that 2 year period I just didn’t want to socialise with my colleagues outside work I’d rather just focus on my diet and exercise.

However, I often went to meals and random dinner parties of colleagues I didn’t really want to go to - I’d rather have been at the gym - but I went out of obligation, people pleaser in me I guess.

.To cut a long story short - at the end of the 2 years I left work because I did something acutely embarrassing. I wasn’t sacked - but I felt it was best to leave even though I had no job to go to.

After I’d left with no job, no income but none of my colleagues said to me - “oh let’s give Austell a bit of support now because fair play, she came to a dinner party she didn’t want to go to.”

The purpose of this thread is basically to support anyone out there who doesn’t want to go to a work social because they are a people pleaser like me and are afraid to say no because they’ve been (wrongly) conditioned that saying no is selfish etc.

Sorry I’m a bit confused. You resigned, you weren’t sacked, so when would your colleagues have had the opportunity to give you these brownie points to help you? How is the gym/weight loss bit relevant?

FWIW I do think you get some brownie points for work socials, but only as a team player, it won’t save you from being sacked if you’re incompetent.

But you did something acutely embarrassing which meant you felt you had to leave before you were sacked?

Whatever you did means people may not want to be associated with you, especially if they still worked there. You gave up your livelihood, they didn’t.

To cut a long story short - at the end of the 2 years I left work because I did something acutely embarrassing. I wasn’t sacked

What did you do? That might go a long to way to explaining why you aren't contacted by your ex colleagues?

Maybe your colleagues thought you wanted to go to these social events?? unless you explicitly told them you didn't want to go, but still went, how would they know?
Also no one gets brownie point for going to a work social event, you either go or you don't. No one gets brownie points for going and no one gets penalised for not going.
You might be expecting too much from your ex colleagues.

Well, i know where you're coming from on this. I hate small talk and I'm not very good at it, so socialising with people I don't know very well makes my blood run cold. But. Most of my friends are ex colleagues, so there have been lots of occasions at work where I've enjoyed socialising and it has resulted in lifelong friendships.

Also, you do tend to find that those who maybe go outside their comfort zone and attend these things gain a lot of career mileage through networking. I was never that person, until I realised that as much as I dislike it being the case, the biggest opportunities in life come your way because of who you know, and very rarely what you know. I've always resisted this vehemently, but it's the only way to be taken seriously if you want a career.

I do think you get brownie points for going to work socials, but probably not enough to make up for whatever it is you did.

Those two things are not linked at all.

You went on work socials to dinner at people's houses which you would rather not have done.

When you left they didn't get in touch.

How bizarre you would think that they would, unless you were friends which it doesn't sound like you were.

Maybe they could’ve helped me find a job or something or just invited me round for some emotional support? They did have my number

@Austell half a story here

you resigned. Do they know why? Is there any reason for them to think you need support?

Why on earth would they do this?!

You dreaded going to a dinner/work socials with them, but they’re supposed to help you find a new job after you had to leave your role? Why would they ever refer you to anywhere or want to be associated with your name if you had to leave the company due to poor conduct?

ok good/fair question about the gym /weight loss.

It was relevant for several reasons, I suppose.

1. Time spent colleagues socialising I’d rather spend in gym
2. Let’s face it - all socialising involves some food or drink or other
3. I wanted to be slim and fit before I socialised with colleagues as I’d feel more confident and less likely to be taken advantage of

I realise point 3 is controversial and would merit a thread if it’s own, basically

This is a very odd thread.

To answer the actual AIBU, in some workplaces you absolutely do get 'brownie points' for attending socials. In some it's not important. It depends on the culture.

Still not sure how your AIBU has any relevance to your weight loss or the embarrassing circumstances around you leaving the job though. Those things are very particular to you, and not applicable in most cases.

Going to work socials can give you "brownie points" within that workplace as part of the team, someone who gets involved etc. No issue with not, but can be a positive. This would not help when not working there.
They can also be a chance to build stronger relationships with colleagues, which could lead to friendships. These work-related friends may be helpful in terms of seeking support after leaving a workplace.
So it's really more about the level of relationship you built and if you have then asked them for any help.

I think I get what you mean.

Having spent many dismal decades in offices, I have time and again observed how almost immediately the water closes over the head of the person who has left. However popular they may have been.

I stopped going to social events years ago as it took a lot out of me, for little or no benefit.

I just want to know what you did...

What the hell did you do!! Come on OP we all need to know!

I think you've probably answered your own question. If you did something acutely embarrassing, I suspect your colleagues distanced themselves from you. I'm afraid people have to think about their own jobs when the chips are down. I also think it rather strange that you feel people should help you look for a job because of a handfull of social occasions. You obviously weren't terribly close to them - by your own admission you generally avoided socialising. Even if you went to every work's do possible I still don't see why or even how former colleagues should help you look for a job. That's never happened to me, and I'm very sociable! As for phoning you, see my comments above.

Maybe they thought that attending a social with your team was the reward and they didn't know you wanted actual points you could cash in for spending a few social hours with them?

Well I didn’t have one too many sherries at the office Xmas time, pull up my skirts, bend down and show everyone my Woolworths Bloomers…..

A few of us still wear Woolworths. Bloomers, right?

You do get brownie points. It does help, at the time. But YABU to expect work colleagues to come and look after you when you left before you were sacked…

I don't think get "points" or currency in personal situations by going, but it is noticed when you don't go, and if you do throw yourself into the social aspect of work, you absolutely do make connections that can smooth the way and bring opportunity.

Your colleagues were never going to help you get another job. Its a bit weird to expect that.

If you only socialised occasionally, was there really enough time in the 2yrs you were there to form lasting friendships (as in the type you speak on the phone to in the evening, go out on your own, who would pop over and see you when you left)?

I can’t see how you are relating these two things? You are the one who resigned, did you tell them why you were resigning? Did they know you need a new job? You seem to think these people owe you something and I’m not sure what your colleagues have done wrong?

You definitely are part of the in crowd if you go to almost every social event.
Most people are colleagues not friends.
What on earth did you do though??

OK yeah you come across as quite weird in these threads.

i used to go to socials. I was once sacked because I majorly screwed up and all my colleagues immediately cut me off. It was years ago and I never heard from them again. I suppose I might have done the same thing as it must be so awkward, although if it happened to one of my colleagues now I’d like to think I’d have some more compassion.

Anyway, do bigger people get taken advantage of more than slender people? In what way?