To think you don’t get ‘Brownie Points’ for going to work socials?

[Austell]

I worked in the same place for 2 years. For a lot of that time, I was on a huge weight loss journey - think losing in the region of 7 stone in total - going from 22 to a size 8 via calorie controlled diet and exercise - so big life change.

Sometimes during that 2 year period I just didn’t want to socialise with my colleagues outside work I’d rather just focus on my diet and exercise.

However, I often went to meals and random dinner parties of colleagues I didn’t really want to go to - I’d rather have been at the gym - but I went out of obligation, people pleaser in me I guess.

.To cut a long story short - at the end of the 2 years I left work because I did something acutely embarrassing. I wasn’t sacked - but I felt it was best to leave even though I had no job to go to.

After I’d left with no job, no income but none of my colleagues said to me - “oh let’s give Austell a bit of support now because fair play, she came to a dinner party she didn’t want to go to.”

The purpose of this thread is basically to support anyone out there who doesn’t want to go to a work social because they are a people pleaser like me and are afraid to say no because they’ve been (wrongly) conditioned that saying no is selfish etc.

Why on earth would they? And how?
I worked in my previous job for 10 years, went to most social events despite being an introvert. I would have never in million years expected one of my colleagues to "help me" find a job. I know how to read job ads...
I have some friends from previous jobs but these are completely independent of my socialising. I have also never once contacted a colleague who left for "emotional support". I assume they leave because they have a better offer elsewhere.

I'd say you get points as a team player and something to chat to colleagues about if you go to socials, you don't get some sort of long term get out of jail free card.

You definitely get brownie points for social events in my job. I banked most of it pre-children, thankfully. It’s invaluable for networking and being known to those who promote and pay.

Also confused why less slim people would be taken advantage from at work. I wouldn’t really help someone who voluntarily quit find a job; I’d assume they had that in hand.

what did you do?!

Would your ex-colleagues have known, at the time, that you were attending work social events that you didn't want to? Do your ex-colleagues know why you left and that you want support?

So...

Even though you were on a weight loss journey and it didn't suit you, you went to work socials believing it meant you had Brownie Points

You then resigned from work following an embarrassing incident

Surely when you leave a workplace voluntarily or otherwise any Brownie Points you accrued no longer exist because your contribution has ceased ?

I don't get it, I'm sorry OP

I have no advice and don’t really get what the OP’s on about, but I do need to know what the embarrassing thing was.

I think it does get you brownie points, but they’re not points that are going to be redeemable after you’ve left the job. It applies while you still work there, not after you’ve left.

Depends on the role, industry and level surely?

I've worked for a company where the socialising is a core part of networking, and was indeed very important.

I've also had colleagues I've socialised with reach out and ask for help after leaving suddenly and have always been happy to share job vacancies/link them up with contacts etc. Did you reach out and ask any of your ex-colleagues for their help/to stay in touch? Or send round a goodbye email with onward contact details? I think if you don't people assume you don't want to stay in touch - the onus (IME) is for the person who leaves to make the effort to stay in touch.

I feel like what you wanted from your ex-colleagues was a show of friendship. But by your own admission you turned down most social occasions and didn't want to go to the ones you went to. It sounds like you didn't form any bond with them. It's fine if you don't want to socialise, which is fine, but don't expect friends to magically appear.

I wouldn't expect my colleagues to help me find a new job, even if we were good friends and I'd left the company on good terms. Absolutely bonkers to expect them to do so in your circumstances! The fact that you grudgingly attended a couple of work socials doesn't mean they owe you careers guidance or emotional support after you've left.

You definitely get brownie points for going to social events at my workplace. There's a risk of you not being considered a team player if you don't go to any events.

And I have built lifelong relationships with colleagues at those events. If I lost my job now or was looking for a new role, I wouldn't make that decision without discussing with some ex colleagues and getting their advice. You can't just turn up to events and expect those relationships though.

I’m really confused.

point2- um, no it doesn't and the fact you seem to think it MUST might be why you had the weight issue in the first place! watching a play/ballet/musical other entertainment, doing an evening class or club, going to a sports match, doing any form of exercise or just going for a walk with a friend....none need to involve food or drink, and even ones where you might be expected to have something (bookclub meet up in coffee shop or pub, for example) you could have a tea or diet coke which are negligible calories.

YANBU to think that if you constantly make the effort to socialise with colleagues that usually has some benefits, but (begrudgingly) going to the odd meal on its own isn't magically going to transform colleagues into friends who should act as unpaid job coaches and offer you emotional support (and, the inference is, money). You had no money because you CHOSE to resign, so why would they feel particularly sympathetic to you?

You went to a couple of social events as did most other people, I assume everyone thought everyone was enjoying them. Did you say I hate these dos I'm only here for the brownie points? Everyone there were work acquaintances some may have been a bit more friends, but all just out together having a bit of fun. You left (abruptly, suddenly) because you were too embarrassed to stay, what did you expect, did any of them even know your personal telephone number or address, did you say give me a ring sometime, must get together again? Did you ever contact any of them to ask how they were doing?

I disagree, and also I think your situation isn't really relevant.

Even if it's not as blatant as an 'in' group and an 'out' group, socialising outside of work tends to make people feel like they know each other better. It's only human that you'll feel more affinity for Sarah in accounts who you had a couple of tipsy toilet chats with or had a stupid fleeting in-joke with about a weird waiter at the meal or whatever - it doesn't mean people hate or will intentionally disadvantage those who aren't there, but they're going to feel closer to them. I say this as someone who does the bare minimum work socialising these days - but I do it with the full knowledge that my workplace is big on hanging out together outside work (more so than the average workplace) and not doing so is going to mean I potentially have a less 'friendly' rather than co-workery relationship with people.

However, your expectations of what that would mean seems off to me. 5-6 years ago (in the same job) I socialised a lot with my colleagues and team, before we hired a ton of people a decade younger than me and I felt less inclination - but there was still 100% clarity over which ones were my Actual Friends (one of them) and which ones I was just developing a friendlier relationship with via work events. If I'd left my job out of embarrassment (??? confusing) I'd have expected the one I was actually friends with to text me/be a bit of a shoulder to cry on. But I wouldn't have expected anyone, and especially not the ones who were just 'colleagues I occasionally did work socials with' to help me find a new job or invite me round to their house? Because they were still colleagues, not friends?

So. As it's AIBU - yeah I think so!

You don't get 'brownie points' for going to work socials. However, you may get the opportunity to build relationships with colleagues. That doesn't always happen, there are no guarantees, and sometimes it can feel unfair, particularly if work socials revolve around an activity you don't enjoy, or you have other commitments outside work.

However, it's the relationships, not brownie points, that matter.

Why? You decided to leave like millions of people do each year

I don't get why you feel you need special treatment

It does do brownie points for within the company - build good will and social bonds so if you need help in work (eg you need someone to help with a task that’s solely your responsibility, a work friend might be more likely to give up their own time to help you.) or if you are up for promotion, it’s between you and another colleague who are both equally able to do a job, they might give it to the one they know the rest of the team get on better with etc.

But once you’ve left, not really.

It helps build relationships for a more harmonius working environment, helps if you need swaps for a shift, gets your noticed for promotions at times.

Work friends who've left the business would be more help than ones at the company you embarrassed yourself in

You left because you embarrassed yourself (and yes we want to know) without having a back up in place. Did they even know you left because of the incident or did they think you maybe had a new job?

Also, wanting to go gym over a social event seems like a gym obsession

I don't think I would help an ex colleague find a new job, especially if they left under strange circumstances. I also probably wouldn't reach out if we hadn't socialised outside of work or work events.

BUT work socials can be very beneficial to collaboration and progression in the workplace depending on the industry you are in.

YANBU to hate going to those events... I am introverted and agoraphobic lol. But it would be a lie to say that work socials don't have their use and place.

It’s hard to comment without knowing the context of what exactly happened. I’d probably contact an ex colleague to see how they were if we were more than colleagues eg chose to go for lunch together.

If you’d had a medical thing happen, again I might ask how things were. If you’d let out a huge fart, I probably wouldn’t, just because I’d think you’d want to move on.

Generally colleagues just move on these days. I don’t think it used to be like that, judging by the ex colleagues at my df and dfil’s funerals, but it is that way now.

I let out a huge fart in the figurative sense….

You're confusing brownie points with friendship. Going to socials etc might help you progress in the company but unless you make a genuine connection with your colleagues rather than enforced enduring it as you describe then they're not going to put themselves out to help you in the situation you (vaguely) describe.

Overall it sounds like your priority was your weight loss and you had hang ups about that and confidence so weren't being yourself - wanting to wait to be slim so you wouldn't be taken advantage of, whether I agree or not, is quite a strange position and wouldn't make you the easiest to be around and no doubt your reluctance to be yourself would come across. Even resigning over embarrassing figurative farts is peculiar, as is zeroing in on social brownie points being a charade as the takeaway here.

I think the takeaway is more to work on in future is genuinely liking yourself (slim or not) and your colleagues (if possible) and then it won't all seem such hard work to strategise and resent. Easier said than done maybe, but I find most people have some quality that can be found appealing and giving them a bit of investment can repay in untold ways over time, but again, only if it comes from a genuine place and not really being about expectations.

I agree with this. It no longer surprises me how quickly people move on when someone leaves even a team/department, let alone leaving the organisation altogether. This happens even if the person is wildly popular, or considered the fount of all knowledge. The person you spoke to daily, perhaps even including mutual confidences, almost overnight becomes no more than someone you'd say 'hi' to in passing.

I see exactly what you mean here