To think you don’t get ‘Brownie Points’ for going to work socials?

[Austell]

I worked in the same place for 2 years. For a lot of that time, I was on a huge weight loss journey - think losing in the region of 7 stone in total - going from 22 to a size 8 via calorie controlled diet and exercise - so big life change.

Sometimes during that 2 year period I just didn’t want to socialise with my colleagues outside work I’d rather just focus on my diet and exercise.

However, I often went to meals and random dinner parties of colleagues I didn’t really want to go to - I’d rather have been at the gym - but I went out of obligation, people pleaser in me I guess.

.To cut a long story short - at the end of the 2 years I left work because I did something acutely embarrassing. I wasn’t sacked - but I felt it was best to leave even though I had no job to go to.

After I’d left with no job, no income but none of my colleagues said to me - “oh let’s give Austell a bit of support now because fair play, she came to a dinner party she didn’t want to go to.”

The purpose of this thread is basically to support anyone out there who doesn’t want to go to a work social because they are a people pleaser like me and are afraid to say no because they’ve been (wrongly) conditioned that saying no is selfish etc.

Yeah, they're different currencies OP. Work socials help oil work relationships. Work relationships can be really valuable but they tend to be situation specific. Not necessarily for a,terrible reason but people have to be professional at work - it's not their full relaxed mode. Sometimes a work friendship crosses over into a general friendship and that's nice but quite rare. Doesn't mean the work friendships and relationship building was a waste of time though. For general life support, especially after you've left, you need another kind of friend though. Ideally one who knows nothing of work but loves you and can say "yeah, their loss, sounds like a shit company anyway, better things ahead".

This

The fact the op expected ex colleagues from a job of a mere 2 years (which she left under what sounds like the cloak of darkness) to help her find a job…. Tells us all we need to know about the OP and indeed why her ex colleagues have decided not to have anything more to do with her

OP, I think you’ve misunderstood the point of work socialising, and some of your posts are quite strange — do you generally struggle socially?

If I look back at my working life of the past 30 years, some of the things I remember the most are the work socials - when x left, or when y retired, or that Christmas party on the rocky boat, or that quiz night at the pub etc. It's not the endless meetings and reports and daily grind.

I'm an introvert and my inclination is to not go ... but I'm always pleased I do and I have lots of good memories from it now.

I think in some industries you get much better if you are social. I know someone who really struggled to get work as an advocate (Scottish version of a barrister) as wasn’t in with the dinner party crowd, nearly bankrupted himself in the process. This was nearly 30 years ago and reforms have happened but it’s still a bit of a club.

With colleagues though in general as soon as you leave a job you are pretty much dead, maybe a source of gossip every once in a while. I heard x is working at y type stuff or horrors got caught doing something like drink driving.

As an employee it’s best to know that whilst there’s a veneer of teamwork and friendship and we are like family here, you are a number and can be replaced and no one will give a shit.

I think work social events and the reason your colleagues didn't maintain contact after you resigned are two separate issues.

Going to work social events might get you "brownie points" with the higher-ups but people at the same level rarely care whether someone attends or not. They might say "It's a shame you didn't come it was great fun" but that's not the same as thinking less of you for not coming.

I doubt this was a reason for colleagues not speaking to you after you left. That's just normal behaviour, people work together and try to get along but the only connection is that they work at the same place. I have hundreds of ex-colleagues and only ever kept in touch with a handful. That's normal.

Think of it this way, if you weren't friends with them before you started working there, there's no reason to think you'll remain friends after you leave.

Did you ask any of your former colleagues to look out for suitable jobs or help you find one? If a colleague at work resigned I would never dream this was something they expected as I would assume they either had one lined up or were choosing not to work.

Why would colleagues know that you had given up something (going to gym) to go to optional work socials unless you moaned all the way through I am missing the gym to be with you lot. In which case they were probably thinking so what!

I have been through a weight loss journey and know the "sacrificial" element of attending something to the detrimental of your weight loss plan. But it is for you to decide whether attending is worth it to you. Its noone else's burden/decision.

Summed it well here… the “thing” that held you together, ie: the job is no more, therefore the obligation you have to each other ( chatting, discussing the tasks, team work etc) is also no more.
People do move on, rapidly I find.

Kindly, OP, your weight loss is admirable, but did you ‘obsess’ a little over it? I’m thinking that a weight loss that big would be a major part of your life, did you talk about it a lot?

I hope you move on in life, also, and let this go.

If someone at work left voluntarily I would assume they wouldn’t need help finding a job; they must already have one or no longer need one if they choose to leave.
Work socials are for relationship building. What you do at the socials matters. You don’t get anything only from being present.