To think you don’t get ‘Brownie Points’ for going to work socials?

[Austell]

I worked in the same place for 2 years. For a lot of that time, I was on a huge weight loss journey - think losing in the region of 7 stone in total - going from 22 to a size 8 via calorie controlled diet and exercise - so big life change.

Sometimes during that 2 year period I just didn’t want to socialise with my colleagues outside work I’d rather just focus on my diet and exercise.

However, I often went to meals and random dinner parties of colleagues I didn’t really want to go to - I’d rather have been at the gym - but I went out of obligation, people pleaser in me I guess.

.To cut a long story short - at the end of the 2 years I left work because I did something acutely embarrassing. I wasn’t sacked - but I felt it was best to leave even though I had no job to go to.

After I’d left with no job, no income but none of my colleagues said to me - “oh let’s give Austell a bit of support now because fair play, she came to a dinner party she didn’t want to go to.”

The purpose of this thread is basically to support anyone out there who doesn’t want to go to a work social because they are a people pleaser like me and are afraid to say no because they’ve been (wrongly) conditioned that saying no is selfish etc.

I left work because I did something acutely embarrassing

THIS is what I want your thread to be about!!!

Ok noted !! - that will be my next thread 🤣

Op it doesn’t look like you were particularly well like
throw in fact you made a massive tit of yourself
are you really surprised ex colleagues for a short period of time haven’t made the effort to contact you let alone help you find another job!

How do you know that your colleagues were bothered or not if you didn't go to any socials ?

I’d guess at least one of your ex colleagues started a thread about it 😆

A colleague is a colleague no further relationship then that
but when you socialise outside work it does add a sort of friendship element so the naturally would be more supportive

if someone does want to socialise/ work even again absolutely fine I would just presume they weren’t interested so by default they wouldn’t want anything back from me

tbh you made no effort with them so why should you expect anything back from them it’s a 2 way street

Op do you have a friendship group outside of work?
have you found a new job?

Honestly I think your expectations are off. You leave, you leave. People aren't going to make a big thing of it or assume that you want support- that would be crossing a line.

Without knowing what you did it's hard to comment, but I wonder whether the real issue here was that you shouldn't have resigned without a job to go to and you were hoping your colleagues would somehow fix it for you and they didn't.

oh let’s give Austell a bit of support now because fair play, she came to a dinner party she didn’t want to go to.”

this is a very odd thing to think OP and sort of speaks volumes

Did you make a pass at a colleague?

Bingo

I am agog with curiosity about what you did

How are your colleagues meant to find you a job?

Lol, because you occasionally deigned to socialise with them when you didn't want to, which was probably obvious? No, that's not at all how that works.

How are they supposed to know you would rather be at the gym than at their dinner?

Have you ask for support? They might not know you want it. Most likely they would think you quit your job and moved on.

You do get brownie points IMO in the sense that if you show up, bring your charisma and build a friendly relationship, people are more inclined to think you're having an off day if you fuck up, rather than mentally rolling their eyes and thinking you're a moron. I go to work socials and we have a great time but these people aren't my friends, we don't WhatsApp or share shit memes or hang out with eachothers families. I wouldn't expect any of them to reach out beyond arranging a teams call if I'd done something hugely embarrassing.

I dont like point 3, which basically implies that your weight fixes everything. You have value whatever your shape or looks and I have no time for people who would be unsupportive because someone isn't hot. If you work in that environment you're better off out.

I suspect the OP is still very much the talk of this workplace

and op I’ll take a point that you haven’t secured a new job?

@Austell

Please can you explain how you have helped colleagues who left get new jobs and how you supported their transitions.

Ultimately self protection is a thing and most will do this unless it’s for someone they really love and actually liking isn’t enough. By your own admission you were not actually friends with any of them.

The way the posters posts are coming across is very odd. I assume whatever they did at work was peculiar rather than criminal.

Of course you get Brownie points at work, but those points are no more a long time lifeline than the real Brownie points we got when we were young. Not sure you'd be expecting Brown Owl to be dropping in to solve your problems either.

You make it clear that you didn't see your colleagues as friends so odd to think they would see it any differently.

Losing 7 stone requires such commitment you inevitably lost perspective on life. So whatever you did, I hope you forgive yourself, it could easily have been a release of intense pressure. i presume your ex colleagues don’t quite know how to handle whatever you did/ the rumours and so have made you out of sight, out of mind

This. It doesn't really mean much. You go to socials but it doesn't mean those people are your friends or owe you anything.

I left a job after ten years in a large company and loads of people didn't bother to say goodbye, and I went to loads of socials and was popular at points. After maternity leave I could not be bothered. I'm still in touch with people who I worked with pre kids at the same place and had moved on before I did.

But now I'm older and wiser I realised most people don't give a crap and that is fine. I'm in a good job now with good people but I'm under no illusion that we're friends or that people wouldn't get rid of me if my performance dropped or if the company went through a tough patch. Work friendship doesn't transcend those parameters.

it could easily have been a release of intense pressure

That'll be the 'figurative fart' op let out, then.

congratulations on your weight loss - at least you're fitter and healthier if not happier.
I hate work parties/social events - usually go along because it's a good way to get to know colleagues better, improve work relationships. In my current role I am expected to organise the bloody things.
A couple of my best friends now are former colleagues - but I wasn't particularly friends/social with them whilst working with them, they were professional relationships which after the working with them I (and they) put time into developing.
I'm currently coaching and supporting a former employee because she is having a hard time in a new role - but she contacted me, I wouldn't have dreamed of contacting her to offer support -maybe the odd 'how's it going' WhatsApp.

If you want support from a particular issue in connection with a new job search, I think you're going to have to contact them, not sit there cross that you went to the Christmas party but your former colleagues aren't ringing non-stop.

No one does this. Except in rare cases, when you leave a job your relationship with the colleagues is over.