AIBU- to be annoyed that DH takes naps during the day ?

[HJ1989]

My DH does a lot of day naps. We have a nearly 4 yo and a 3 month old, (who sleeps throughout the night by the way). He works 12 hour shifts in care, along with completing a degree to retrain to be a Nurse, so I can appreciate why he gets tired.

Doesn't help when I'm left looking after both of the kids whilst on maternity leave and I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home, but he keeps disappearing for naps, when I'm tired too.

Thing is I do it OCCASIONALLY, but limit myself up to 1 hour, hour and a half at most, so I'm not then leaving him with the kids for too long, whereas I feel he takes the P.I.S.S. and is up there for over 2 and a half hours sometimes. I almost expect it now every time we come back home from going out somewhere, or when he comes home from a half shift, (like today) for him to disappear and would just love for him to actually be present, especially since he's not seen his children all day and goes straight up sometimes, (again, like today!).

AIBU for getting annoyed with him? I'm weary about talking to him bout it in case he feels like it's a personal attack and gets angry. I know it's circumstantial, so it's not health related, that he needs to go see his GP.

How do I approach this? Any thoughts?

Give him a break. He's working 12 hour shifts and doing a degree. He sounds like a decent guy. You are not working.

I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home

Do you mean that he doesn't help with anything at all when he is not working or studying?

She is looking after a 3mo and an older child - she IS working.

I think you need to have a discussion and agree a fair distribution of naps!

He does, and on the whole, he is a great Dad, but predominantly he just sits playing video games or working out.

How many 12 hour shifts per week?
I'd struggle with this tbh. When I was on mat leave my husband would come home and take over so I could go for a nap! And he works 60 hours a week.

12 hour shifts definitely require a nap and more so depending on the time of the shifts

Ah, he's one of those. Figures!
Do you spend the same amount of time doing a hobby/working out and get to take naps?

He does, and on the whole, he is a great Dad, but predominantly he just sits playing video games or working out.

Give the man a break. He's working 12 hour shifts

DH used to do this. I was so resentful and trying to explain how it made me feel fell on deaf ears.
Eventually I said "I've been so tired from looking after the kids so I'm going to try and have more naps" then every time he said he was having a nap I'd say "OK I'll have one when you get up". Sometimes it was 2 or 3 hours later, but once he was up I'd go to bed for the same amount of time, even if I didnt sleep. That often left him with with dinner and bathtime to contend with, and honestly it didn't last long for him to realise he didn't like that deal so much! But of course he couldn't complain because we'd both had the same amount of time. His naps soon reduced to an hour and sometimes he doesn't have one at all. Men are simple creatures really.

Its possible to do 12 shifts without napping

I find 12 hour shifts a killer and always get a nap in where I can.

Is it possible to ask him to help with some specific things without making it sound like you are having a go?

This is, quite possibly, the best and most sensible solution I've ever seen.
The perfect way to get the point across.

Might try that on our days off then! 😂 It's harder when his shifts are 8am-8pm and he's not getting back till 8 15-30pm and the whole bedtime routine is already done 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️😖

How long do you think the OP’s shifts are?
Or are you one of those people who thinks looking after 2 young dcs isn’t hard work/it’s not work ??

Yep.

Natural consequences etc… is what works best.
Also avoids the argument stage of denying/getting angry/making it your fault (of which many variations are visible in this thread)

Are any of these shifts night shifts?

I work 10 hour shifts at Amazon. I have naps because I’m tired. There is nothing wrong with it and I also game in my spare time. DH never complains

I Realise everyone needs their 'downtime' and something to help wind down once they're hone, I think it's just a case that I can't seem to find the time to do it myself 🤷‍♀️

But you say you take yourself off for your own naps, so you do have the time.

Just stop limiting yourself and go off for 2.5 hours like he does.

Is the older child in pre-school/nursery? Little babies sleep quite a lot so can’t you nap when they’re sleeping and the older one is at nursery?

If that means something else has to give, like the dusting or whatever, then I think that’s fair enough.

Sometimes you can’t tick every box and it’s pointless killing yourself trying.

If your DH is tired then it’s pretty shitty to police his naps. And if feels slightly mad to me that an hour and a half is fine but two hours is “taking the piss” 🤷‍♀️

But what needs to happen is that you need to agree when it’s reasonable for him to take a nap, and if you need his help with anything specific eg/dinner, so make it clear he needs to be awake by then.

I’d have thought you should have the flexibility to get your naps in during the week but if not, you need to make it clear that you need equal time to rest too.

These early years are hard. Everyone needs time to decompress and sleep. Be kind to each other and keep lines of communication flowing - it’s easy to end up raging over something that could easily be sorted!

What's your point here? He also has 2 small children that need looking after.

The young years are hard, he needs to buckle up, not leave his responsibilities to OP.

I could forgive the naps. Sounds like it's all very full on. But playing video games?! I wouldn't be supportive of that.