AIBU- to be annoyed that DH takes naps during the day ?

[HJ1989]

My DH does a lot of day naps. We have a nearly 4 yo and a 3 month old, (who sleeps throughout the night by the way). He works 12 hour shifts in care, along with completing a degree to retrain to be a Nurse, so I can appreciate why he gets tired.

Doesn't help when I'm left looking after both of the kids whilst on maternity leave and I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home, but he keeps disappearing for naps, when I'm tired too.

Thing is I do it OCCASIONALLY, but limit myself up to 1 hour, hour and a half at most, so I'm not then leaving him with the kids for too long, whereas I feel he takes the P.I.S.S. and is up there for over 2 and a half hours sometimes. I almost expect it now every time we come back home from going out somewhere, or when he comes home from a half shift, (like today) for him to disappear and would just love for him to actually be present, especially since he's not seen his children all day and goes straight up sometimes, (again, like today!).

AIBU for getting annoyed with him? I'm weary about talking to him bout it in case he feels like it's a personal attack and gets angry. I know it's circumstantial, so it's not health related, that he needs to go see his GP.

How do I approach this? Any thoughts?

Caring for 3 month old is a full time job. Round the clock. And besides that, she has another DC that needs a lot of care. She is working her ass off.

Sorry but if I was working 12 hour shifts (plus commuting time) in a physical job which caring is, all while studying, and you were ungrateful enough to police my naps, you’d be out.

I’ve had children too. I’d take that over 12 hour shifts as a carer in a heartbeat. You can plan your day around your kids and you take naps yourself. You get some down time. This bloke is seemingly bending over backwards to support you and earn more money in the future.

Well he can't have gym, gaming and nap times on tap on his time off if doing all three means he avoids parenting.

Tell him to drop two of these whilst the 3mo is so young.

The OP is working every minute the dc are awake. You think parenting young dc isn't working?

And when does the OP get a break? She is looking after the dc from the minute they are up until bedtime and likely doing all the domestics on top. But the poor manz working 12 hours so he needs more sleep than she does

How is he a great dad ? He is out working and doing a degree ( hard ) when home he has a nap but then plays video games? How is that a good dad .

Also I would say in many relationships like this you return to work and other than not doing the childcare during your work hours you end up doing it all

This. Nailed it. Imagine he was taking care of your sick relative and made a mistake because you want to stop him resting.
Go back to work yourself if you want him to pick up the slack.

OP deliberately limits her own naps - she says so herself.

She should just nap/take a break for the same amount of time he does.

She gets naps. I never managed that with the hours DH worked. I don't miss that exhaustion.

"This. Nailed it. Imagine he was taking care of your sick relative and made a mistake because you want to stop him resting.
Go back to work yourself if you want him to pick up the slack."

When I'm working normally, we work in the same place as a Carer and work opposing 12 hour shifts. I'm considering going back to work earlier. If not next month, definitely April

This is an excellent idea if you can manage it.

I do understand your frustration.
but as someone who also works 3-4 night shifts a week (13 hours) I often fall asleep in the day often unintentionally but they absolutely kill you off

Do you also do gym and gaming before attending to your dcs needs?

Female nursing students don't do this.

you’d be out.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I doubt he'll do that anyway - when would he get to have naps and play video games if he got rid of the unpaid servant? He'd actually have to do some parenting and he'd be very sad.

Then the unpaid servant will have to go back to work instead of having everything provided for her, won’t she?

Seriously, if you’re at home with the kids, if you don’t want to put the kids in nursery and contribute financially, then the kids and the house are mostly yours to deal with. I’ve worked as a carer in the past, mat leave was a holiday in comparison.

This is exactly what I'd have done.

My ex used to take a lot of naps. He was doing it to avoid the drudgery of looking after small children. It was a big source of resentment in our relationship and part of the reason he is now an ex.

@theykilledcassandrafirst do nursery's take 3 month olds? You seem to be confusing maternity leave with some sort of life of leisure.

"Seriously, if you’re at home with the kids, if you don’t want to put the kids in nursery and contribute financially, then the kids and the house are mostly yours to deal with. I’ve worked as a carer in the past, mat leave was a holiday in comparison."

Please see other post I put on here. I work in the same industry as a Carer, so I am fully aware of what working a 12 hour shift in care actually consists of. Plus I'm doing a course too on top of that, (forgot to mention before that I am doing a level 3 course alongside work). Trust me, there are days that it does not feel like a holiday. At least there is more than one of you, ( colleagues) to help and at least you can talk and explain to the residents you care for, (if they have capacity). Can't exactly do they with a 4 yo and 3 mo 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Are you suggesting that women should get back to work the day after giving birth and the fathers of the baby should have to do nothing to support their family?

There was also a day when we were both off, so he had not worked for a day or two beforehand, where he was only watching the Lord of the Rings films. Finished one and got half way through another and THEN suddenly decides he needs a rest. I mean, what from? Watching films..... 🤷‍♀️

He's working 12s and going to school. Both of those are exhausting. There's only so much that he can do.

Is he working nights? If so, he is likely extremely sleep deprived.

You're on leave.

The bar is so low for men.

They are not night shifts and sometimes it is only half a shift (8am-2pm)

And women are holding it. It blows my mind