AIBU- to be annoyed that DH takes naps during the day ?

[HJ1989]

My DH does a lot of day naps. We have a nearly 4 yo and a 3 month old, (who sleeps throughout the night by the way). He works 12 hour shifts in care, along with completing a degree to retrain to be a Nurse, so I can appreciate why he gets tired.

Doesn't help when I'm left looking after both of the kids whilst on maternity leave and I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home, but he keeps disappearing for naps, when I'm tired too.

Thing is I do it OCCASIONALLY, but limit myself up to 1 hour, hour and a half at most, so I'm not then leaving him with the kids for too long, whereas I feel he takes the P.I.S.S. and is up there for over 2 and a half hours sometimes. I almost expect it now every time we come back home from going out somewhere, or when he comes home from a half shift, (like today) for him to disappear and would just love for him to actually be present, especially since he's not seen his children all day and goes straight up sometimes, (again, like today!).

AIBU for getting annoyed with him? I'm weary about talking to him bout it in case he feels like it's a personal attack and gets angry. I know it's circumstantial, so it's not health related, that he needs to go see his GP.

How do I approach this? Any thoughts?

Absolutely...I did them for years and looked after the house and kids

He must be very tired, though in a different way from you, and napping because he needs sleep rather than avoiding doing his share.

Maybe one solution is to make sure you schedule in some downtime for yourself several times a week, when DP will definitely be caring for the children?
And is there a family member who would step in for a couple of hours and let you both have some rest now and then? Or could you afford to pay someone to do that?

Yeah YABU. He works 12 hour shifts & studies. He is tired. You are on maternity…..

"And is there a family member who would step in for a couple of hours and let you both have some rest now and then? Or could you afford to pay someone to do that?"

My Father In Law does a lot to be fair, but he doesn't always answer his phone and he is uncomfortable around newborns/young babies. My sister in law and her partner help when they can, if they have the 'ick' about poo and wouldn't be comfortable changing a nappy, even though the near 4yo DD is potty trained. So it's a bit touch and go.

We don't have the finances to hire 'help' and we get government funded hours for child care at 4yo DD preschool

Looking after children cannot simultaneously be so tiring that a man working 12 hour shifts cannot do it at all, but so easy that a woman can do it 24/7 without help.

oh yes. She’s sitting on her arse all day doing nothing isn’t she… 🙄

Presumably lying down when she's enjoying her hour and a half naps 😂

If I had his life, I'd need the odd nap too.

Ahahahaha the ‘12 hour shifts omg’ brigade.

Ppl really have no idea how many women work these shifts and still do the bulk of childcare and housework.

I think it’s ok for him to nap but I also think it’s ok for you to pass both kids to him and go out childfree or have a long nap yourself. Try to get a similar amount of downtime and you’ll feel happier about the balance

Hello OP,

I can appreciate both your needs for naps, but I think you're causing your own resentment by limiting your naps. Like pp said, when he goes to nap tell him you'll take one afterwards and go for the same amount of time. Maybe it'll make him realize, maybe it won't, but at least you'll get to rest so it's a win either way.

Im confused as you said he works 8 - 8 then comes home and naps, why don’t you both just go to bed at that time for the night? Why is it a nap?

Like most families.
Two parents should be able to make it work without regular help.

Have you tried to plan your week and days together? It could be worth it down to naps.

Which she says she does only occasionally.

your first comment suggested ‘well she’s on maternity leave, so she should do everything’. Why should she not be able to ask for help purely because she’s on maternity leave?

Can you imagine a mother that on her day off, plays video games, watches Lord of the Rings all afternoon then goes for a nap while the father does all of the parenting? How the father would feel? What people would think/say (rightly)?
Fine for you both to have hobbies and equal down time bit I don't know a family that has enough time in the day for both parents to enjoy that amount of down time.
I'll never understand why women allow the standard for men to be so low.
Having a newborn is bloody hard and I know that I used to let the washing build up, not be able to clean the house or even eat 3 proper meals most days. My husband's days off were the days we would catch up, reset and I'd get a break. If he was sat around gaming all afternoon I think I'd have called his mum to come and pick her child up.

I've done 12 hour care work shifts as a widowed parent. Most of the staff were women and holding it all together at home. He has a baby and young child, he doesn't have time for video games or marathon films. He gets to watch films while holding the baby. OP get out of your head that he's a good dad or partner, he isn't. The naos need to get shorter, so does the lesuire time. He needs to pitch in more with the children. What were the discussions like before you got pregnant again? Revisit those.

Naps ARE his downtime..he doesn't get to sleep in the middle of the day and then also claim he needs time for gaming. That's a massive piss take. I bet LOADS of parents would appreciate a nap in the middle of the day, but that's not feasible with children so he needs to buck up. Neither of my children slept through until they were past 2 years old and neither my husband nor I fucked off and left the other one unless we were so tired we were ill. Your husband is not doing enough.

Did you miss the part where OP takes herself off for naps as well?

I know MN is weirdly anti-hobby for anyone who has small children but in reality I don't know any parents who never have time out for themselves. It's not healthy for your entire life to revolve around kids, work and sleep - everyone needs time out, whether that's to play video games, meet friends or go to the gym.

I didn't, I saw where she said she limits them, no doubt because her husband has no many that she can't.

I'm one of those parents who doesn't haven't time out for themselves, at least not yet as both of mine are still very young. I'm happy with it and also happy for those who feel they do need some time for themselves. But OPs husband is taking the piss out of her.

I always feel that the mum is 'working' during the day looking after children, entertaining them, doing housework etc. Not napping or enjoying downtime. Working.

While dad is out also working / in the home office working.

So that's fair.

The problem seems to be when dad finishes work he seems to think his day is done when he gets into the livingroom. That mum should continue to do childcare for the majority of the evening /overnight.

That's not fair. It's not 50/50.
He's probably not thought about it tbh. You either need to ask "when's my downtime , I'm knackered" and see what he says, or do what @JesusJose said and take more naps (or just breaks out of sight of DH and children to read a book or have a long bath etc) yourself while letting DH deal with childcare.

Evenings need to be 50/50. Overnights should be too but that may not be possible.

He needs to know you're trying hard though. It's not some kind of easy life looking after little ones.

@Bumble2016 but she's choosing to limit her naps - he's not forcing her. So it sounds like she has plenty of opportunity for a break but isn't taking it.

There's no rewards for being a martyr - they both have busy routines and should both take breaks when needed.

12 hour shifts imo are fair enough to not be helping with childcare (though can still help with basic tasks like washing the pots). Every other day though? Get off those video games, stop napping, and be a parent.

You know who are expected to come home and provide childcare after work? Women. No one says 'she's worked all day, she shouldn't have to do anything'. It's infuriating. Women don't get to come home and spend the weekend relaxing.

I'm on maternity leave, but my partner still helps plenty.

It's fine to have hobbies. I go to board game group one night a week whilst partner stays in. She goes fencing once a week. I video game in an evening once baby is in bed and chores are done. The point is free time should be equal.

What I meant was that he works hard so should have a nap if he wants. So should she (but yes, I do believe that 12hr care shifts plus uni is harder work than looking after your children). And the kids. Naps all round! Why would somebody try to dictate this stuff to a grown adult?

Oh OP I feel for you so much!! I would hate this too. It's so hard when you're looking after little ones - and I only have one - that when you're both around it really should be both helping out, not the one that's never there going off to have a break.

I don't know why any of these healthy young adults need all these naps, OP included (I think you said your baby is sleeping through the night OP?). There is something a bit depressing about the idea of adults competing to take naps all the time.