AIBU- to be annoyed that DH takes naps during the day ?

[HJ1989]

My DH does a lot of day naps. We have a nearly 4 yo and a 3 month old, (who sleeps throughout the night by the way). He works 12 hour shifts in care, along with completing a degree to retrain to be a Nurse, so I can appreciate why he gets tired.

Doesn't help when I'm left looking after both of the kids whilst on maternity leave and I'd like my partner to be there to help on days when he's off and both of you are at home, but he keeps disappearing for naps, when I'm tired too.

Thing is I do it OCCASIONALLY, but limit myself up to 1 hour, hour and a half at most, so I'm not then leaving him with the kids for too long, whereas I feel he takes the P.I.S.S. and is up there for over 2 and a half hours sometimes. I almost expect it now every time we come back home from going out somewhere, or when he comes home from a half shift, (like today) for him to disappear and would just love for him to actually be present, especially since he's not seen his children all day and goes straight up sometimes, (again, like today!).

AIBU for getting annoyed with him? I'm weary about talking to him bout it in case he feels like it's a personal attack and gets angry. I know it's circumstantial, so it's not health related, that he needs to go see his GP.

How do I approach this? Any thoughts?

Would it be ok if he was reading for an hour or so?

YAB a bit U. Care work is knackering plus study on top, plus small kids are tiring (for both of you). I wouldn't begrudge a nap here and there if most other stuff is getting done.
I begrudge my dh's naps when he wfh on the other hand. Because everything else isn't done and it would be helpful if he'd spend the 40 minutes or so loading the dish washer or walking the dog so it's not all left (for me) in the evening when I get home.

"Would it be ok if he was reading for an hour or so?"

It's not really about the activity, it's more about being present and available for help when needed

YABU. He's doing long caring shifts while retraining.

Get him to take naps at the same time as the children!

Does the 3 year old not go nursery? Sorry if I missed this info.

She goes to nursery 3 days a week, mon, tue, wed-7 30-12 30, but depending on the week it is , (we work on a 2 week rolling rota), he has a 'study day' on Mondays and always works Wednesdays, works every other Tuesday, so he wouldn't always be able to use that time for resting

People judge video games very harshly. They are just one type of downtime. If you accept naps are OK then there's no reason why video games shouldn't be.

It's more about the amount of time in total that he's spending on 'down time'.

OP - you need to speak to him about it.

My suggestion is that you agree an amount of time per day for each of you to do what you want as down time - be that napping/gaming/tv/whatever. e.g. an hour or two each. Whatever is manageable and fair.

It's up to each of you how you spend it but it includes all downtime activities.

Outside of that, you BOTH do chores/ look after the kids/ cooking/ he works on uni assignments or whatever.

It will be hard for him to disagree when you say that it's only fair for you each to have the same amount of down time and work time per day.

I think you would've gotten slightly different responses if you had posted the full info originally, ie you work in the same industry as your partner and also do 12hr shifts. There are a lot of responses sympathising with your "poor DH" having to work 12 hour shifts, you wouldn't understand how tiring that is, etc.

You need to nip this in the bud now. It is not normal for your DH to need all these naps unless there's something medically wrong with him. He has a young family and responsibilities - he doesn't just get to go off for a nap for hours to avoid being a parent and partner. He gets tired and needs a nap after watching Lord of the Rings? WTF is wrong with him?

The problem is as soon as you go back to work, YOU will be working 12 hour shifts, looking after your DC while your DH comes home tired from his shift and needs a nap, watch TV, play video games, while you hold the fort, totally exhausted. But that's fine because you are a woman and a mother and are supposed to just get on with it while your useless DH does nothing. Raise your bar. Don't put up with this misogynistic crap. Your DH is lazy, selfish and useless. He is not a good father. He is a shit one.

How old are your children?

"How old are your children?"

My oldest DD is 3yo, (4 next Thursday), my youngest DS is 3 months

When you work 12 hour shifts you work less days.
She's at home with a small baby , long shifts there.

I know, I'm a gamer myself and spend my downtime gaming!

I was asking that poster because there's always someone who thinks they are somehow morally superior to anyone who enjoys gaming.

I think you just need to be more assertive - wake him after an hour and say it's your turn for a nap, he can entertain the children, and oh, there's laundry there ready to be folded.

what was his response when you had a conversation about it?

Usually I'm am fully team 50/50 when off but 12 hours shifts + uni work with 2 very young kids? That must be really, really exhausting. (And yes I know, kids are exhausting too) It's really hard when they're young OP and it makes it difficult to not feel resentful. I'd leave him to nap but have alarms ready and talk about you having down time too. I know it's cliche but I'd nap when the baby naps, even if it's on the sofa while the 4 year old has a film on.

If you read the OP properly you'll see that she hasn't had a conversation with him. That's the whole point of the thread - she said she's wary of doing so and is asking for advice on how to approach it.
I'm assuming you just missed that and you weren't meaning to sound passive aggressive. Maybe you need a nap.

I agree with PPs suggesting he takes a nap when the kids nap and not otherwise. That's what's so amazing about mat leave isn't it? All the spare time and opportunities to snooze - so it's only fair that he gets the same exact benefits!

Also, presumably he has chosen to study - he may well be tired working and studying and parenting but it's not OPs responsibility to hold the fort entirely because he has taken on too much

I agree with most of what you're saying, but this part gets to me. You're making the assumption that maternity leave is just an excuse to 'sit off' that we have all this time 'spare' to do whatever we want. With young children, you DO NOT get a chance to rest, they won't allow you either their energy and needs. At least when he's in work, he gets two 15 min breaks and a half hour lunch to get away from residents. I don't have that luxury, I have to take my 'breaks' alongside them. 🤷‍♀️