Page 3 | To not understand why family want my LO to stay

Godsplan21 · 2025-02-12T11:07:00+00:00

My LO is 14months and a much waited for IVF baby. I am loving motherhood and am not at the stage whereI feel like I need a break. Since about 4 months, certain family members keep asking when LO will stay over at there’s. I don’t have any overnight events im planning on going to and don’t want LO to stay out just because (LO cosleeps and I just enjoy being with them), yet certain people are always insisting. I don’t understand why people are desperate to have LO overnight without me and if anything it puts me off more. I can certainly understand them wanting to spend time with LO but why overnight when they will be sleeping anyway?!

Fupoffyagrasshole · 12/02/2025 12:56

i love my kids staying overnight at my parents or sisters house ! They go once a month usually and me and husband have a night out and can sleep in the next day

i send the older child (4) Ireland to stay with family for a week in the summer too! Have done since she was 2! She loves it has time with cousins and does loads of fun things

she’ll probably spend 2 weeks when at school as it’s only help we have with childcare

but each to their own if you don’t want to do that then that’s fine too

as a parent it’s always your choice

MammaTo · 12/02/2025 13:03

I don’t think YABU, but I know my LO’s grandparents love (for some bizarre reason) putting the baby to bed. LO’s ones are just so much extra cute in their little pj’s and when they wake up in the morning, I think particularly grandparents love getting involved from that perspective as it’s like having you back as a baby again.

whyayepetal · 12/02/2025 13:31

My brother did the same when our children were young OP (although not as young as yours (primary school age).

I had a bad feeling about it, particularly as his behaviour when visiting our home made me uncomfortable as well. I never regretted saying no, nor going very LC with him.

Trust your gut - your children, your rules. You seem to have a very clear grasp of what feels right for you. Go with that.

Freshflower · 12/02/2025 13:41

I've had this with my MIL in the past , I might have been happy to introduce sleepovers if a respectful conversation was had about it , but that was never the case , she put constant pressure on me for years and years but in a very demanding and disrespectful way also in my LO ear constantly about how dc has to stay with them. It's got to a point now it will never happen, MIL was awful in other ways too. If you are not comfortable yet that's all you have to say is , thanks for the offer one day when we are ready perhaps we can discuss it. If they keep going on just say , I've already said we are not ready , can we not talk about sleepovers at this time please. I find it difficult to be direct but I think when you are dealing with 'certain people' , there is no other way , just simple and honest . If they are decent they will understand

Elcad · 12/02/2025 13:51

The constant asking would bother me too, but it is understandable that your child is not just your child : she's also a granddaughter, a niece, etc. And these relationships are important too.

The family members asking to have her probably want to create this bond without you interfering. And I'm not trying to say you're constantly hovering and making comments, but a child tends to always go to their parents when necessary.
Some people also really love the baby stage, nothing creepy in there as long as they don't want to take the parents' place.
And personally I think it's good for children's mental health to be able to adapt to other people and bond with other adults than their parents.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 12/02/2025 13:57

My mil was like this. She ask Leo saying things like 'when can my babies sleep over'. Drive me mad.

Dts did sleep over when they about 4 I think and a few times after that but it wasn't worth it she pumped them full of sugar and they were vile the next day. I didn't mind a bit of sugar but it was relentless.

She's asking now for half term, they're 14 and want to be with their mates. She sees them at least once a week anyway. Bio it in the bud would be my advice!

Original poster

Godsplan21 · 12/02/2025 13:59

Elcad · 12/02/2025 13:51

The constant asking would bother me too, but it is understandable that your child is not just your child : she's also a granddaughter, a niece, etc. And these relationships are important too.

The family members asking to have her probably want to create this bond without you interfering. And I'm not trying to say you're constantly hovering and making comments, but a child tends to always go to their parents when necessary.
Some people also really love the baby stage, nothing creepy in there as long as they don't want to take the parents' place.
And personally I think it's good for children's mental health to be able to adapt to other people and bond with other adults than their parents.

Thank you, you made some points x

OP posts:

Achyarms · 12/02/2025 14:00

Elcad · 12/02/2025 13:51

The constant asking would bother me too, but it is understandable that your child is not just your child : she's also a granddaughter, a niece, etc. And these relationships are important too.

The family members asking to have her probably want to create this bond without you interfering. And I'm not trying to say you're constantly hovering and making comments, but a child tends to always go to their parents when necessary.
Some people also really love the baby stage, nothing creepy in there as long as they don't want to take the parents' place.
And personally I think it's good for children's mental health to be able to adapt to other people and bond with other adults than their parents.

Other people aren’t entitled to your child. Grandparents have zero rights. The relationship is nice to have if it works but it’s not essential.

i prefer my children to be around our friends who have better relationships with our children and generally better understanding of what small children need

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 14:06

Trainr · 12/02/2025 12:38

I think they just love your child! I have such fond memories of having sleepovers at my grandparents. My brother has offered to overnight babysit and we have taken him up a few times (also a long awaited baby!). It was lovely for everyone. But, if it’s not for you, then there is no problem, just do what you are comfortable with. He may not understand why you don’t want a night babysitter, just like you can’t understand why he’s offering.

If you have fond memories of sleepovers, you were obviously older than 14 months. OP's baby won't gain anything from the sleepover while they are so young. At that age, it's all about the wants/needs of the adults, not the baby's.

PassingStranger · 12/02/2025 14:08

HaPPy8 · 12/02/2025 11:11

You aren’t unreasonable to not want them to go but these people likely just love your child and think it would be nice to have them over. It’s not so hard to understand. One day you might be grateful of that.

Totally agree with this.
Just tell them you might when she's older.
They are just being nice.

Ughn0tryte · 12/02/2025 14:11

It's very odd.
Children who bedshare with their mum and dad should continue to do so until they are ready.
And until they are ready, why should there be any need for overnights?
They can love your child with you there, during the day.
They can enjoy your child's company with their mum and/or dad with them.
Some people are interested in a do over as a parent but this should be challenged quickly and boundaries firm to protect your child.
"Thank you but until they're about 6 or 7 years old, we're not looking for sleepovers away from mum and/or dad"
This would have been the usual time two generations ago because this is when children are almost all continent overnight and can say they're homesick/want to go home etc by this level of maturity.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 12/02/2025 14:11

I think this is weird.

I've left my kids overnight loads of times for work and other trips, but always with their dad. Their dad has left them a couple of times overnight, but always with me. The only time we've ever left DS with anyone else overnight was when I was in labour with DD and we called my in laws to come and stay over. DD has never been left with anyone else overnight.

I think we are hoping to leave them both overnight with my in laws for a night this summer so we can go to a wedding, but that will be the first time, and at our request. It's an odd thing for the other person to request when it's not necessary.

Onlyonekenobe · 12/02/2025 14:13

I assumed it was your DM or MIL, and was about to share my experience of my MIL wanting to have DC overnight without us because, as she told us, they'd go to her and not us if we weren't there. That's what she wanted/wants: to be loved and needed.

Now that you've said it's your DB, have to say I'm a bit surprised. Does he have DC of his own? I've never known of a grown man WANTING to be left alone with a child who isn't his! DO his DC want to play pretend with your DC?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/02/2025 14:18

I don't see why if you love a child relative you have to have them overnight. Day time visits are just as valid. Going on about overnight visits is weird.

Op, don't do anything you don't want to do. And don't feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone and not on Mumsnet either.

Bornnotbourne · 12/02/2025 14:36

I temporarily fostered a little boy while his mum had planned surgery. She didn’t want him to stay before hand as she (like you) wanted him at home with her. We prepared him for staying by doing bath time at my house then having pyjama party (popcorn and gladiators) then she’d nip back and pick him up ready for bed. He’d seen his bed here and knew where he’d sleep. This helped as her surgery was expedited and he came far earlier than I was expecting. It always helps kids to have surrounding where they feel comfortable, however, I agree they don’t have to necessarily sleepover.

Original poster

Godsplan21 · 12/02/2025 14:48

Onlyonekenobe · 12/02/2025 14:13

I assumed it was your DM or MIL, and was about to share my experience of my MIL wanting to have DC overnight without us because, as she told us, they'd go to her and not us if we weren't there. That's what she wanted/wants: to be loved and needed.

Now that you've said it's your DB, have to say I'm a bit surprised. Does he have DC of his own? I've never known of a grown man WANTING to be left alone with a child who isn't his! DO his DC want to play pretend with your DC?

He has 2 of his own (early teenage years now) and is married. Although his wife never mentions having my LO overnight but she clearly loves them. If he offered and left it I wouldn’t be posting but its the constant mentioning it, like every time we see him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Godsplan21 · 12/02/2025 14:51

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 12/02/2025 14:18

I don't see why if you love a child relative you have to have them overnight. Day time visits are just as valid. Going on about overnight visits is weird.

Op, don't do anything you don't want to do. And don't feel like you have to justify yourself to anyone and not on Mumsnet either.

Thanks, I wont. Its just good to hear peoples opinions (agreeing or disagreeing) to see if I am overthinking. The thing is I wasn’t overthinking in the beginning but am now 14 odd months have gone by and he still mentions it every visit.

OP posts:

Skandar · 12/02/2025 14:54

I remember having this with SIL, who kept asking if she could take DS out on his own for the day while he was a baby. I don't think it was 'sinister' per se, but more I think she wanted to 'play' at being Mum again (her kids were all grown up). And having me there would have stopped her doing that. I suspect its the same thing with people wanting sleepovers.

youngoldthing · 12/02/2025 14:56

HaPPy8 · 12/02/2025 11:11

You aren’t unreasonable to not want them to go but these people likely just love your child and think it would be nice to have them over. It’s not so hard to understand. One day you might be grateful of that.

This! Surely you know and understand people care about your child and would like to spend time with them.

Original poster

Godsplan21 · 12/02/2025 14:56

whyayepetal · 12/02/2025 13:31

My brother did the same when our children were young OP (although not as young as yours (primary school age).

I had a bad feeling about it, particularly as his behaviour when visiting our home made me uncomfortable as well. I never regretted saying no, nor going very LC with him.

Trust your gut - your children, your rules. You seem to have a very clear grasp of what feels right for you. Go with that.

He has never made me feel uncomfortable in any way, until now. The constant asking and making comments like “Oh she’s ready to stay at ours now” and “whens mummy going to let you stay” has planted something. I dint know what, but it makes me uncomfortable

OP posts:

WaneyEdge · 12/02/2025 14:59

Where I’m from, it’s not unusual for sleepovers to be from a few weeks old. Not saying that’s what everyone does but a lot do. Up to you of course but just pointing out everyone saying not until the DC are at school is not the norm everywhere.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 12/02/2025 15:05

Irvinesv · 12/02/2025 11:27

I always find it weird when family are so keen to have DC without their parents especially when it’s your own family as why don’t they want you there too….

The benevolent answer is that they have great nostalgia for their own baby days, and FOMO of the day to day stuff.

Most baby advice is usually nostalgia from how they did things, and how their babies were.

One thing that I think grandparents would benefit from understanding is that making requests more generic would help. E.g. "we'd love to spend a whole weekend with you and the kids - what would work for you?"

In return, parents would also benefit from speaking up and negotiating a bit - "that doesn't work for us, how about we do this instead?"

My in laws are always suggesting things that wouldn't work well, and my husband is rubbish at advocating for our son whilst also suggesting something that would make them happy. MIL therefore comes directly to me, which is annoying not because I then have to be the one shooting down her ideas.

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 12/02/2025 15:05

My little one is an absolute terror for sleep, 14 months old. Had the ooo we could watch overnight, give you a break, bet he'd sleep if with us, it's because he knows you're available.

We did have an evening do wedding near theirs at about 11 months so we asked them to have him, but with us also staying over after end of the wedding (so they were looking after him from 6ish until midnight/1am).

8:30pm I was getting texts he wouldn't go to sleep, but video call showed he was happy enough, just excited about being somewhere new. Got a text at 9:30pm to say sleeping. Grand. 11pm I got calls and texts to leave and come home as he was awake AGAIN (he had woken up every 20 min and took 10 min rocking to get back down each time) and they were knackered and need their sleep.

Never mentioned having him overnight since 😅

Creameded · 12/02/2025 15:06

I would find that very very strange.

Tell him that you find this constant badgering of you very strange.
Personally I would not want my child around him.
That is not normal.
Listen to your gut.
See a lot less of them.
Not normal behaviour.
Protect your child.

Moonnstars · 12/02/2025 15:16

Irvinesv · 12/02/2025 11:27

I always find it weird when family are so keen to have DC without their parents especially when it’s your own family as why don’t they want you there too….

Yes I find this with the in laws. They always want to take the children places without me or my partner. I always say no (there are other reasons why) as to me it is dodgy why they suddenly then say no they won't do whatever it is if we say one of us will come and then cancel the plans completely.