To not understand why family want my LO to stay

[Godsplan21]

My LO is 14months and a much waited for IVF baby. I am loving motherhood and am not at the stage whereI feel like I need a break. Since about 4 months, certain family members keep asking when LO will stay over at there’s. I don’t have any overnight events im planning on going to and don’t want LO to stay out just because (LO cosleeps and I just enjoy being with them), yet certain people are always insisting. I don’t understand why people are desperate to have LO overnight without me and if anything it puts me off more. I can certainly understand them wanting to spend time with LO but why overnight when they will be sleeping anyway?!

My MIL seemed to almost be upset that I didn’t want (or need!) any help in the first few years. She seemed to think I must be struggling secretly and not want to admit it.

I think people who struggled in motherhood sometimes can’t believe that not everyone is the same.

You will jump at the chance at some point though, so don’t shut the door on it completely!

Do these people take offence or get annoyed when you decline their offer to babysit overnight? Are they quite pushy or do they accept you declining gracefully?

I have GC and I certainly wouldn’t volunteer to look after them overnight. I’ve had enough of that thank you bringing up my own DC. If you want or need a break, then it nice that a member of your family would happily take your LO - but if you say no - they should accept your refusal and stop bugging you.

Yes I agree about people not believing that I don’t struggle or need a break.

I have not said ever, its just not in my plans right now. I think thats part of the issue, even though I have told them this I think people think that if I wont let LO stay now they wont ever stay which is not the case.

Only on mumsnet have I EVER heard this insinuation that family (presumably grandparents & usually in-laws) have sinister intentions in wanting their grandchildren to stay over.

It's a really weird thing to imply, really really weird.

OP - it's totally up to you when your child stays away from you, of course it is! You don't say who the family members are but I'm assuming grandparents. There isn't anything peculiar about wanting to spend 1 on 1 time with their grandchild, honestly there isn't.

I'm 46 & have an 18 month old grandson who's stayed over a couple of times & it's wonderful! It's different to your own children & there's no stress involved, you can enjoy it more cos it's NOT parenting - it's GRANDparenting. Hearing my own kids wake in the night triggered stress & my exhaustion. Hearing my own children cry uncontrollably made me want to claw my own eyes out, it's agony. Parenting can be hard.

Grandson doesn't have that effect cos I'm not sleep deprived & don't have the primal response to him cos he's not my child. Grandparenting is easy! It's just enjoyment.

So whatever you choose whenever you choose to do it is fine, but please don't think there's something weird in their request (based on what you've said).

Sometimes it’s sharing the news with others that they are having their grandchild to stay and feeling good about it. Sometimes it’s to prove that they haven’t lost their touch and can change a nappy still and sometimes it’s a control thing. All these apply to my family at least but what they want most of all is to hear me say yes you can have X to stay, even though there is a) no way they’d cope and b) I don’t trust them due to historic stuff. Besides, I’d only hear the following day about how they didn’t sleep at all, and that would be turned on me being a crap parent so I just make vague noises when asked now, sleep routines and consistency etc.
Good luck, when they are older, why not!

@Caerulea thank you!!! I was starting to question myself over how often my kids have stayed with their grandparents 😅🤣

My MIL is like this. Don't really get it myself but it isn't sinister, surely. They just love the kids and think they are being helpful. Now our oldest is almost 4 we have taken them up on it once. They also suggested she go in their room at night when we all went on holiday, which was a firm no.

Not sure why having IVF is relevant to the issue by the way. I have two IVF babies and don't assume that means I want to spend more time with them than other parents do!

YANBU but I cant bear it when people say little one LO cringe cringe cringe. Just say your son or daughter. Sorry had to get that out.

I think 14 months is too young but in a couple of years it will be a lovely thing for everyone involved. Some of my favourite memories from childhood are staying with my grandparents. It always felt magical. If I was you I'd say no for now but allow it in the future.

…because it’s fun, and nice maybe ?

DD started having overnighters from about 12 months. It was lovely when she was in the 6/7/8 year old age bracket.. my sister would have her and my other niece and nephew if a similar age.. it was real adventure for her.

We always said no, and were very thankful for their kind offers but we love our dc with us - we are a close family and they are adults now and we are still just as close. Your dd’s bonding with you and dh as her primary carers will be the most important and most beautiful for her to experience, and why would you give these precious years away.

Not relevant to every IVF parent but it is to me as comparing this journey to my first baby, I am more present, enjoying it more and more grateful. But certainly not implying anything about other parents and how much time they want (or dont) want to spend with theirs

I'd have felt the same as you OP. Tell them to just wait 15 years, then they can have a whole week if they want!

I think they mean well,however your baby your rules! 14 months is very young to do an overnight I think .DD was about 5 when she stayed at PILs the first time .I would be honest and say look PIL we are grateful for the offer, and no doubt will take you up on it one day .However at the moment we are relishing every minute of a longed for baby .If you want to go out together in the day with us all that will be great.

My DD is 7, her Dad split from me when she was 6 months old.
She lives with me and stays at his one night per week (one overnight, one she goes to his after school until 7pm).
She has never spent a night at anybody else’s house other than mine or her Dad’s.
I’ve never needed a break from her, I tolerate sharing her with her Dad let alone anybody else 😂
She has spent the day with other family members for various reasons but never overnight, there’s just no need. DD doesn’t want to, I don’t want to, done deal x

And just for context, its not my MIL it’s actually my brother (although its a no to everyone at present not just him).
And i’m not insinuating anything sinister although ‘sinister’ things are more likely to be someone who knows the child. (But thats another story for another day, so to speak)

It's fine for now, but do be mindful that you may need your child to be settled for someone else one day. What would happen if your older child or partner/elderly relative/whoever had to go to hospital (God forbid) and you needed to be there?

Fellow IVF mum here.
You do you.

Equally, I will say that kids that I bonded with earlier (nephews, kids of friends...) were kids that I stuck with a lot more. I hold them when they are babies? They come for sleepovers as toddlers? I'll look after the sick and cranky older kid. I didn't have a bond with them and now I am supposed to show up at a recital? Sorry, nope. To me, the bonding starts when they are cute and the parents don't get to pick & chose the nicest parts. My kids were definitely cuddled (and worse - kissed 😉) by everyone when they were at their cutest and slept over at whoever wanted them, even though I didn't have plans. That was their family time, from the youngest age.

I think they just love your child! I have such fond memories of having sleepovers at my grandparents. My brother has offered to overnight babysit and we have taken him up a few times (also a long awaited baby!). It was lovely for everyone. But, if it’s not for you, then there is no problem, just do what you are comfortable with. He may not understand why you don’t want a night babysitter, just like you can’t understand why he’s offering.

I wish I had people offering to take mine! In all fairness you do you and its your decision. My children all had nights away from me with family members from a reasonably young age as it gave us a break - sometimes we just had an early night and a lie in! However, I find now they are older its also paying dividends as they are all happy to be away from us at school camps and cub camps etc, or if we have an event. Lots of children in my DD2's class are worrying about the upcoming school residential as they have never had a night away, which I think is unhealthy. You need to strike a balance, and starting young in my mind is better as it becomes the norm for them, rather than a big thing.

I have PIL always pushing for my children (both under 4) to stay at their house for 3-4 nights even a week to “give me a break”.

i don’t want my children staying at their house 7 hours away for a week. They don’t want to see us as a family as they’ve said they prefer to parent our children alone without us there as they parents. Apparently they are more obedient to grandparents when the parents aren’t around for cuddles etc. the whole thing is about control. I’ve tried to say they’re welcome to come and be grandparents at our house and stay but they want us out the way so they can do things their way. They are pushy and ask for this every month.

Glad you said that - IVF parents do not automatically love their children more 🙄

I never said that, so am not sure why it is triggering some people. Its a bit like when someone says they were near death and now have a new appreciation for life. They are not saying others don’t, just commenting on THEIR OWN feelings on it

I used to love staying over at my grandparents when I was little, it was a special treat and formed a close bond with them. I don't think it's necessary at 14 months though, I would just tell them that you feel she's too little at the moment, maybe in a few years. I never felt like I needed a break from mine at that age either but they did occasionally stay with grandparents if we had a night out. They absolutely loved staying at my mum and dad's ☺️