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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What does my friend want? I can't work it out.

100 replies

Aquamarinescarf · 12/02/2025 10:57

I have a friend whom I've known and stayed in touch with ever since school days. We're now in our early 60s. For many years it was one of those friendships where we spoke on the phone three or four times a year and met up if we were in the area on holiday or business (we live 300 miles apart). Then four years ago her mum died and I went to the funeral and for 18 months or so after that she leaned on me very heavily — long, sad phone calls, asking for support and practical help which I supplied when I could. After that things tailed off: I'd phone or message her every few weeks or so, she'd sometimes respond, sometimes ignore the contact. I got the message — she'd moved on and we were back to where we used to be.

In January she contacted me to say she'd booked a week's leave in mid-March and we hadn't seen anything of each other for ages, so how about a few days away? She has two dogs now, so ideally we'd be looking for a holiday cottage somewhere equidistant from our homes with separate bathrooms (she has a thing about not sharing a bathroom) and an enclosed garden where the dogs could go out safely for a pee. Whenever we've stayed anywhere in the past, we've always gone 50:50 on costs.

She sent me a link to a really swish Cotswold barn conversion that costs £330 a night — so four nights for the two of us was more than £1300. I called her and explained that £650+ for four nights self-catering was a bit rich for me at the moment. I already had several commitments this year, including three weeks in the US where my nephew is getting married in September. I said I'd prefer it if we could find something a bit cheaper. I sent her details of four holiday cottages that appeared to meet her requirements, all of them stylish and modern. Some of them were half the price of the one she'd suggested. In the last month I've found a few more. She's said she'll look at them several times, but gives me no feedback. Now we're a month away from the dates she's booked for her leave and several of these cottages are out of the running because they've been booked by other people. I spoke to her at the weekend and it was clear she hasn't checked out any I've suggested. She promised to look through them and do some more research to see if there's anywhere more suitable but hasn't come back to me.

I'm guessing that she wanted the expensive place in the Cotswolds and that nothing else will do. AIBU to ask for a compromise on this? What is she telling me without telling me?

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/02/2025 10:59

Don't do anything. She obviously wants things on her terms or not at all. Don't go for a compromise, because you've already said why it wouldn't work for you.

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 12/02/2025 11:00

I would say that you are no longer able to go away on those dates. Then if she wants to go the expensive barn alone, she can book it herself.

Snowmanscarf · 12/02/2025 11:07

I be would also give her an ultimatum, and say that you’ve done more research. Suggest three cottages (which you can afford), and suggest booking by a set date or cancel the trip. Take the initiative!

Estampie · 12/02/2025 11:12

I wouldn't give it any headspace. She suggested something, you didn't want to spend that much and made other suggestions. She hasn't got back to you over a period of several months, by the sound of it. Just let it lie. The ball is in her court.

If someone invites you to do something else on those dates, accept.

yakamoza · 12/02/2025 11:12

I'm guessing that she wanted the expensive place in the Cotswolds and that nothing else will do. AIBU to ask for a compromise on this? What is she telling me without telling me?

I am not sure what she is telling you but since her first contact with you after a long break was to suggest this, it kind of makes me wonder if the sole purpose of that contact may have been to find someone to co-fund her wish to go on this holiday. Obviously she wasn't going to invite someone random and therefore her old friend seemed like a good option for that.

She probably would still go on that break anyway. If I were you, I'd probably stop asking her about other places. You could just inform her that you can no longer make those dates she suggested.

heldinadream · 12/02/2025 11:16

OK friend it's getting too late to book anything on those dates now, so I'm going to assume we're not going.
It was a lovely idea but obviously not quite right for this slot.
Looking forward to chatting to you soon, hope you're well, Aqua.

BarneyRonson · 12/02/2025 11:17

I wouldn’t feel obliged to do or say anything much at this point other than ask “do you actually want to do this few days away together? What’s the hood up on booking accommodation? Have you gone off the idea? Are you upset I don’t want to spend as much as you suggested?”

if you resort to speculation, you won’t really be sure what’s going on. If she’s ok she won’t mind you seeking clarity, if she isn’t ok, this is how you discover it!

sallyanne33 · 12/02/2025 11:20

Are you sure she's really your friend? Sounds a bit like a one-sided friendship. Does she support you when you need it? Or only get in touch when she wants something from you? You don't have to answer here, just something to think about.

MissSookieStackhouse · 12/02/2025 11:21

I’d just ask her to confirm if she wanted to book any of the cottages you found, or if she managed to find any cheaper ones herself. I’d point out that time is running out so you’d better book soon or not at all and you’re fine with that if she’s changed her mind, but you need to know so you can make other plans.

ScribblingPixie · 12/02/2025 11:22

I would guess that she was looking for someone to go on a holiday of her choice with her. And when you said you couldn't afford it, she asked someone else or lost interest. If it was about the two of you spending time together, wouldn't it be more likely that there'd be a discussion before potential accommodation was produced? I'd say you can just leave it.

MissDoubleU · 12/02/2025 11:27

You can’t do the Cotswolds, you’ve explained this. If she has refused to discuss it with you further then I’d say it’s on her that her days leave go wasted. A holiday should never be a hostage situation. If she contacts you you can say she left it too late, the cheaper options are no longer available, and as previously stated the expensive place is too expensive.

she can do what she likes with her leave and you can always try and arrange a holiday together, that fits BOTH your needs, at another time.

Pinkyhere · 12/02/2025 11:27

I would excuse myself from the trip. It has all the hallmarks of an unenjoyable stay with entitled, selfish behaviour.

WhatFreshHellisThese · 12/02/2025 11:28

I would do nothing. As others have said she wants her original suggestion or nothing by the sounds of it. Not your fault you have other commitments this year, she needs to grow up and realise people have their own stuff going on. It's not just her

Paganpentacle · 12/02/2025 11:29

Let it go.
Do nothing more.
Do not go on the trip.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 12/02/2025 11:31

She found the expensive place, wanted someone to share the cost so suggested a trip with you, and didn't get the response she wanted so has lost interest.

MissUltraViolet · 12/02/2025 11:32

She wanted to go somewhere posh but couldn’t afford it herself so went through her ‘friend’ list to see who would pay half.

You declined, she moved on.

She doesn’t sound like a friend at all, seems your friendship of late has consisted of her using you as and when she sees fit and dropping you when you have served your purpose. I would not go on holiday with her.

Toddlerteaplease · 12/02/2025 11:33

BIWI · 12/02/2025 10:59

Don't do anything. She obviously wants things on her terms or not at all. Don't go for a compromise, because you've already said why it wouldn't work for you.

This.

OutbackQueen · 12/02/2025 11:34

Not a true friend.
Move on.

crockofshite · 12/02/2025 11:36

I think she's booked something for herself and is not telling you. You're just talking into a void.

I'd let it go now. Ball is in her court.

ItGhoul · 12/02/2025 11:37

My guess is that she's now gone cold on the idea of going away with you at all, and just feels awkward about telling you that because she was the one who initially suggested it.

fatphalange · 12/02/2025 11:37

I'd have assumed the trip was off, as she hasn't got back to you about accommodation.

Sunat45degrees · 12/02/2025 11:41

I think she's probably got no money worries so really doesn't care if she has to pay for the expensive one or something more expensive because it's last minute. But the problem is that uynless she's also a sympathetic and kind friend willing to treat you, she's goign to come up against a bit of an isse when you reiterate that you can't afford this.

BIWI · 12/02/2025 11:43

The one thing I would do, having thought about it, is to confirm with her that she hasn't already booked it, and isn't expecting you to pay your half!

Perhaps pre-empt it, by mailing her to say you've assumed she doesn't like any of your suggestions, so you've booked somewhere else for those days with another friend.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 12/02/2025 11:43

She wants to go away in March and pay £1300. You have already offered a compromise by saying you will go away in March for £650 (still expensive for 4 days self catering, and a lot of the expense is driven by her requirements- dog friendly, 2 bathrooms - so tbh I would probably want her to pay a larger share if I were you!)

I think she is probably asking other friends if they can go away with her to the more expensive place and will only commit to you of her other friends also decline.

Tell her that you want to book something by the end of this week. Say you have been invited out with friends on those dates and if you aren't going away with her you need to know so that you can make other plans.

Raera · 12/02/2025 11:45

Have you checked if the posh property is still available by doing a dummy booking for the dates she wanted?
If it's booked, then it could be her.

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