What does my friend want? I can't work it out.

[Aquamarinescarf]

I have a friend whom I've known and stayed in touch with ever since school days. We're now in our early 60s. For many years it was one of those friendships where we spoke on the phone three or four times a year and met up if we were in the area on holiday or business (we live 300 miles apart). Then four years ago her mum died and I went to the funeral and for 18 months or so after that she leaned on me very heavily — long, sad phone calls, asking for support and practical help which I supplied when I could. After that things tailed off: I'd phone or message her every few weeks or so, she'd sometimes respond, sometimes ignore the contact. I got the message — she'd moved on and we were back to where we used to be.

In January she contacted me to say she'd booked a week's leave in mid-March and we hadn't seen anything of each other for ages, so how about a few days away? She has two dogs now, so ideally we'd be looking for a holiday cottage somewhere equidistant from our homes with separate bathrooms (she has a thing about not sharing a bathroom) and an enclosed garden where the dogs could go out safely for a pee. Whenever we've stayed anywhere in the past, we've always gone 50:50 on costs.

She sent me a link to a really swish Cotswold barn conversion that costs £330 a night — so four nights for the two of us was more than £1300. I called her and explained that £650+ for four nights self-catering was a bit rich for me at the moment. I already had several commitments this year, including three weeks in the US where my nephew is getting married in September. I said I'd prefer it if we could find something a bit cheaper. I sent her details of four holiday cottages that appeared to meet her requirements, all of them stylish and modern. Some of them were half the price of the one she'd suggested. In the last month I've found a few more. She's said she'll look at them several times, but gives me no feedback. Now we're a month away from the dates she's booked for her leave and several of these cottages are out of the running because they've been booked by other people. I spoke to her at the weekend and it was clear she hasn't checked out any I've suggested. She promised to look through them and do some more research to see if there's anywhere more suitable but hasn't come back to me.

I'm guessing that she wanted the expensive place in the Cotswolds and that nothing else will do. AIBU to ask for a compromise on this? What is she telling me without telling me?

I'd just send a pleasant but brief message saying that since she hasn't confirmed anything, you'll assume the trip is off and hope to see her another time.
She may have booked the expensive place before contacting you, and be frantically looking for someone else to share the cost or hoping you will change your mind. But that is not your problem.

She's not telling you anything, and that's the problem. She seems very disorganised. Why on earth has she booked a week off for this, before even discussing it with you? And now she won't engage properly in choosing accomodation? The ball is very much in her court, and she started the game. If the plans come to nothing, it's nobody's fault but her own.

I am guessing that she doesn't actually want to go away now and is hoping the idea will fade away

Just drop the rope entirely. She is being incredibly insensitive which is poor being as you have given her so much support.

Unless she comes up with something that suits you 100%, I would not bother. She is likely to whine about the 'substandard' accommodation anyway I expect.

I'd assume the trip is not happening.

Oh Yes. Especially as she hadn't bothered with you, until she wanted to go on holiday. You have done enough research and now the dates don't suit as you have other things on. What a pity!!!

I think she has probably gone cold on the idea. I wouldn’t mention it again and see if she does. Very strange kind of friendship tbh! Sounds a bit needy and she has probably made herself a new friend that more fits her needs.

I wouldn’t do anything. You’ve left it with her. If she chooses not to book anything and her leave comes and goes so be it. You’ve made your position on the expensive cottage clear

Is she sulking? What’s the silence all about? Spring in the Cotswolds is no doubt amazing but you have a budget, she is not being respectful of your situation at all.

I would cancel it but say nothing, if and when she finally gets in
touch I would tell her you haven’t heard from her and assumed it was off, I would have no time for this behaviour.

In the past she's been a really good friend. My husband died some years ago and she was one of those who didn't run away and avoid me and helped me through. When our children were young we used to holiday together most years — camping, rental cottages, that sort of thing. We have a lot of shared memories and our mothers became friends too, so I would say we were close and that things were quite balanced. She was knocked for six by her mother's death, even though it was expected. I'm not sure she's fully recovered from that. She was really depressed and became reclusive for a couple of years afterwards, and has been less open and easy to communicate with since then. her lack of engagement, suggesting something and then backing out without explaining, isn't typical of the way she's behaved over the years.

Does it seem very mean, not wanting to blowing the best part of £200 a day (I'm including food and drink and petrol and all the other expenses of a few nice days away) catching up with an old friend? I have an awful lot of things pre-booked this year: the US trip, but also two big conferences that I want to attend, a week away with my son and family, 10 days in Spain with friends over Christmas, three weekends in London for the theatre and other events... I'm not terribly hard-up, but I don't have so much money sloshing around that I can just splash out the best part of a grand to suit someone else.

She’s backed herself into a corner somehow and doesn’t know how to make it right with you.

If she knows you at all, then wouldn’t she have known this might be out of your budget at this time. Also, was her suggestion to go away for a few days a bit out of the blue?

Is it possible she booked this property with another friend who then let her down and you were her plan B but she didn’t have the gumption to explain it properly to you? (Sorry OP - if that stings a bit)
That would account for her less than enthusiastic approach to look at your property suggestions as she was/is still lumbered with the expensive one.

What isn’t she telling you ?
She is too embarrassed now, to tell you that you scuppered her plan B and she is feeling bad that she wasn’t up front about the situation where she expected you to step in to recover the situation for her. She just wants it all to go away.
I bet she has found PlanC.

No, it is not mean to work within your means and budget. You have her very reasonable alternatives to still spend that time with her and have a lovely holiday together. She declined. At this stage it’s her being mean by saying “I will spend time with you but only at the location I choose and price I have set”

Not mean at all. The ball is firmly in her court so let go of the reins and leave the next move up to her

Be prepared that this friendship might just fizzle out, only for her to contact you in a year or so to plan another getaway

I don't think you've been unreasonable - you've been honest about your financial constraints and offered different properties as a compromise. You're obviously a kind person and a good friend. I'd just message her and say it's getting a bit late to find a booking so you're happy to cancel trip away and hope to catch up soon.

Is it possible she booked this property with another friend who then let her down and you were her plan B but she didn’t have the gumption to explain it properly to you? (Sorry OP - if that stings a bit)
That would account for her less than enthusiastic approach to look at your property suggestions as she was/is still lumbered with the expensive one.
What isn’t she telling you ?
She is too embarrassed now, to tell you that you scuppered her plan B and she is feeling bad that she wasn’t up front about the situation where she expected you to step in to recover the situation for her. She just wants it all to go away.
I bet she has found PlanC.

This may be true but I think it extremely unlikely. I think she became very depressed in the aftermath of her mother's death and, having inherited serious money when her mum died (the mother had already made over her house, years ago), was able to give up work. She bought two dogs and seems to live a life centred on them. She barely socialises from what I know. There are a couple of former work colleagues whom she meets for coffee occasionally, and she sees her daughter and granddaughter every couple of weeks, but that really does seem to be the extent of it. She used to have a full and active life, a decent career, interests that we shared and things to talk and laugh about. None of that applies any more. I suspect she's still quite depressed. I wanted to meet up with her to see how she is and whether it's as bad as I suspect. I'm now wondering whether I need to suggest whether she's like to stay here or, possibly more likely, that I'll go there. I've just realised that one of the days when we were due to be away is the anniversary of her mum's death. I hate this guessing-game behaviour!

I think she's telling you without telling you that she thinks you can afford the one she chose and that you'll go along with it it in the end.

I’d take the lead. Do any of the places you’ve found have good cancellation terms? Some will let you cancel up to 2 days before hand.
if so I’d book with the one you like best (that is cancellable) then tell your friend you’ve gone ahead and booked it.
that should force her to show her hand.

I would give her a couple of days then message rather than call. " Hi friend have you had a chance to look at those cottages yet ? Can you let me know at the weekend if we're still meeting up, happy to reschedule if it doesn't work for you any more, just let me know."

I suspect what is unspoken here is that this break is a much bigger deal for her than it is for you. Perhaps she has no other holidays booked and is slightly jealous of your packed social life and now she is feeling upset because the ritzy cottage is what she really wanted.

I suspect what is unspoken here is that this break is a much bigger deal for her than it is for you. Perhaps she has no other holidays booked and is slightly jealous of your packed social life and now she is feeling upset because the ritzy cottage is what she really wanted.

Ooof. Now you put it like that... This feels as if it fits. I don't imagine she's jealous of my life, but the rest... Oh shit. She asked for what she wanted and I said no. Now I feel like a shit. But I still don't want to spend that sort of money to have a few days with her. And now I feel like a mean shit.

NB this does not mean at all that you did anything wrong or that you should book the expensive cottage.
Perhaps- if it's something you would consider- you could say that you could pencil it in for next year, go when it's warmer and make a real luxury break of it.

My advice is to stop agonising over what she means. She made her trip suggestion, you responded explaining about the cost - and she’s done nothing 🤷‍♀️ She clearly wants to go to her first choice place. Apart from anything else, I wouldn’t let myself be pressured and controlled like that.

I’d not mention it to her again or chase her up. Forget about the trip and if she does mention it, then say you’d heard nothing from her about the cottages that you sent so assumed the whole idea had been forgotten.

Do not let yourself be bullied into going to the expensive one!

You’re not a shit at all (and I’m not sure the PP’s suggestion is correct anyway). If she really wanted to go to the expensive one and you said you couldn’t afford it, she’d have negotiated and offered to pay a bit of your share.

Yes, I'd do that.

I would message her one more time to make it quite clear that you are not going on the trip to the expensive property. Otherwise, from what you say, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she booked it anyway and then tried to guilt trip you into paying half.

The holiday has to work for you both.
She sounds really isolated and I agree with others, she thinks you can afford it.