What does my friend want? I can't work it out.

[Aquamarinescarf]

I have a friend whom I've known and stayed in touch with ever since school days. We're now in our early 60s. For many years it was one of those friendships where we spoke on the phone three or four times a year and met up if we were in the area on holiday or business (we live 300 miles apart). Then four years ago her mum died and I went to the funeral and for 18 months or so after that she leaned on me very heavily — long, sad phone calls, asking for support and practical help which I supplied when I could. After that things tailed off: I'd phone or message her every few weeks or so, she'd sometimes respond, sometimes ignore the contact. I got the message — she'd moved on and we were back to where we used to be.

In January she contacted me to say she'd booked a week's leave in mid-March and we hadn't seen anything of each other for ages, so how about a few days away? She has two dogs now, so ideally we'd be looking for a holiday cottage somewhere equidistant from our homes with separate bathrooms (she has a thing about not sharing a bathroom) and an enclosed garden where the dogs could go out safely for a pee. Whenever we've stayed anywhere in the past, we've always gone 50:50 on costs.

She sent me a link to a really swish Cotswold barn conversion that costs £330 a night — so four nights for the two of us was more than £1300. I called her and explained that £650+ for four nights self-catering was a bit rich for me at the moment. I already had several commitments this year, including three weeks in the US where my nephew is getting married in September. I said I'd prefer it if we could find something a bit cheaper. I sent her details of four holiday cottages that appeared to meet her requirements, all of them stylish and modern. Some of them were half the price of the one she'd suggested. In the last month I've found a few more. She's said she'll look at them several times, but gives me no feedback. Now we're a month away from the dates she's booked for her leave and several of these cottages are out of the running because they've been booked by other people. I spoke to her at the weekend and it was clear she hasn't checked out any I've suggested. She promised to look through them and do some more research to see if there's anywhere more suitable but hasn't come back to me.

I'm guessing that she wanted the expensive place in the Cotswolds and that nothing else will do. AIBU to ask for a compromise on this? What is she telling me without telling me?

As I understand it, the one problem this friend does not have is money so, if she wants the expensive place, she can pay for it and perhaps agree that OP covers most of the other costs e.g. meals out, trips etc.

You weren’t unreasonable to ask for a different cottage. Don’t feel guilty. I hate it when people ‘spend’ your money .

Even if it was the only break you were going on - it is still a lot of money and money you have explained you do not wish to spend on a short break. Even if you didn't have other plans at other times - you are perfectly within your rights to set out your willingness to pay.

I would just say - have you looked at the ones I have sent - we will need to book soon or the dates will be unavailable and we won't be able to go. However, if you are really set on plan A expensive one - maybe someone else would fancy that one and we can have another break later?

I think it is worth making one final message, just to ensure she isn’t going to accidentally on purpose “misunderstand” , book the cottage and expect you to pay up and join her.

” Dear friend, I do hope you have managed to find someone to share the cottage with you for your March break, it’s a shame we didn’t managed to find something that suited us both. Maybe we can look again another time. I hope you and the dogs have a relaxing break”

You haven't done anything wrong. It's too expensive you have suggested alternatives. It's up to her to choose, does she want time with a friend or time alone in a bouja cottage? I'd message and say "concerned we may struggle to find anything if we leave it too late. Are you happy to book one of xyz cottages or did you want to leave it for now? "

I honestly wouldn't do that. It would make the trip inequitable and friend would likely be a bit resentful.

I don’t see why you should feel bad. You shouldn’t have to spend more than you want. You’ve spent a great deal of time looking at other options. She either wants a break to catch up with you (in which case she will agree to other properties) or she just wanted you to stump up half the cost of the property she wanted.

id say nothing now you’ve left the ball in her court numerous times

This is good. She is probably hoping all the others will be booked if she waits long enough. But then so might her first choice. Either way though, you need to know if you are going or if you need to make other plans for that week

This may be true but I think it extremely unlikely. I think she became very depressed in the aftermath of her mother's death and, having inherited serious money when her mum died (the mother had already made over her house, years ago), was able to give up work. She bought two dogs and seems to live a life centred on them. She barely socialises from what I know. There are a couple of former work colleagues whom she meets for coffee occasionally, and she sees her daughter and granddaughter every couple of weeks, but that really does seem to be the extent of it. She used to have a full and active life, a decent career, interests that we shared and things to talk and laugh about. None of that applies any more. I suspect she's still quite depressed. I wanted to meet up with her to see how she is and whether it's as bad as I suspect. I'm now wondering whether I need to suggest whether she's like to stay here or, possibly more likely, that I'll go there. I've just realised that one of the days when we were due to be away is the anniversary of her mum's death. I hate this guessing-game behaviour!

That’s sad isn’t it.
In that case OP, if you think it’s to do with depression, I wouldn’t let this go on any longer. Talk to her and ask how she is and what she wants to do. Maybe she would like you to take the initiative and do the actual booking or maybe she wants to just get the anniversary over with and then re-set on a happier note.
You will only find out by talking it all out, - with your usual kind understanding.
Good luck !

Do nothing. You've already done the groundwork. TBH your friend sounds a bit flaky and/or a user. She wanted you there when her Mum died, but not really before. The long, sad phone calls I suspect had little to do with your friendship - i.e. she's not that interested in you or your life, but more what you can do for her. Do you really want to go away with her? Sounds like you've got a lot on anyway. It does seem like she wants the expensive place or nothing, so you're probably off the hook cos she won't compromise over your options.

Not shit of you at all. Please don’t see it that way. If she’s well off and specifically wants that place she could have offered to pay a bigger proportion - particularly as the wants of an enclosed garden and two bathrooms are both on her part- making it more expensive all around.
You have made perfectly acceptable suggestions and it’s on her now. Maybe one final message with a booking deadline, and then leave it after that.

”Hi friend, as it’s quickly approaching when we suggested meeting, and many of the cottages are now booked, I wanted to check if you would still like to book one? if so, I’d like to book one by Sunday. Alternatively, you’d be very welcome to come and stay here or me come to yours? If you’d rather reschedule that’s fine also”.

You are NOT a mean shit. Any friends going away together would have to agree on the accommodation and compromise when necessary. Even if it is her one and only holiday, that doesn’t mean she can ride rough shod over your thoughts on the matter, and you were showing willingness by finding alternative places to stay.

Absolutely do not send this unless you are done with the friendship, which it doesn’t seem like you are.

I think all you can do is gently reiterate that you really want to go away with her and spend time with her, but you can’t afford that price. Unfortunately I think what she’s hearing at the moment is that she’s not worth that price to you, the person who sees so many people and goes to so many places. There’s not much you can do other than express how much you’re looking forward to spending time with her.

"I've just realised that one of the days when we were due to be away is the anniversary of her mum's death."

I recognise some of what you describe about your friend's behaviour from my own experience of losing a parent in traumatic circumstances. When I was feeling OK I'd try and plan social things but often couldn't face them when the date came around and I probably seemed a bit flakey to others. I also felt really easily bruised when the significance of my parent's death to me was minimised, or apparently minimised by others (I'm not saying this was reasonable on my part). I'm not saying you've don't anything wrong @Aquamarinescarf btw or that you should be complying with her.

I think if it was me I would message and be clear that the expensive place is not going to work and offer to book an alternative but say you understand if she has forged ahead with the expensive place with someone else. I would probably say that if plans have fallen apart you're happy to meet at one of your homes because you recognise the significance of the date. Then leave it with her. You've done absolutely nothing wrong though.

Totally agree with this.

Thank you, that's helpful.

I don't think I've ever know anyone be quite so traumatised by the predicted, long-drawn-out demise of a very elderly parent before. When her mum died in her 90s, it seems to have been a terrible shock to her. I suspect all the stress of Covid may have something to do with it. Even so, after four years one would have hoped to have moved on. I've known people who've had a much-loved parent kill themselves or be involved in a fatal accident and recover and engage with life more quickly than this.

I think being able to give up work and live very comfortably (she has a cleaner, a gardener and a dog-walker) has probably made everything much worse. At a time when work and routine would have helped her get back into life, she gave it all up.

I thought you said she booked leave for this trip ?
Sorry not doubting you at all, but if she is free to go at any time that changes things somewhat.

Oh, that's me trying to short-cut things. She does some volunteering for a charity that supports people who suffer from the condition that her mum suffered from. She did it before her mum died and she started again last year. From what I understand they offer a phone service and also an email enquiry line. She does one evening a week for the phone line and one morning or afternoon a week responding to emails. She arranged to have the week in March off from the voluntary work. It was me who described it as booking leave.

I didn't put two and two together at the time she told me the dates, but today I've realised that her mum's anniversary occurs during that week and so she probably wanted to get away from home during that time. I guess when she arranged to take time off from her volunteer work she did feel like getting away, but now it's got more complicated she may have changed her mind.

Ring her up and ask her.

Genius

That's an idea!

I would not contact her again about it let her be, maybe she will go to the Cotswolds alone with her dogs. X

Also if she has that much money and knows you could not stretch to it. She should have offered to pay,.

She is telling you she’s selfish, although that’s clearly not her intended message! It sounds like you’ve dodged a bullet with her ignoring you - I can’t imagine a holiday with somebody like that would be much fun for you and I think you deserve better.

Awwwh OP. She's lonely!

Can you find the £650 for the lovely cottage?

Im sure you will end up spending £400 anyhow