Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 12/02/2025 11:12

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 12/02/2025 11:09

Something a bit weird. How is it possible for the kid to kick the back of your chair if they had the front seat?

Did I read this incorrectly? Was it your DC kicking the back of your seat?

The child wanted to sit in the front but the op made them sit in the back where they kicked the seat in front of them.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 12/02/2025 11:12

Friendofdennis · 12/02/2025 10:57

Did the child sit in the front as you say or behind you where they were able to kick your seat ?

Ffs this has now been asked tonnes of times, try reading the thread or at least OPs updates!

Tagyoureit · 12/02/2025 11:13

Why is everyone obsessed with this?

Can you not grasp that the child was told by the OP that she doesn't get to sit in the front and was told to get in to the back!

Why is that so hard to figure out?

8misskitty8 · 12/02/2025 11:17

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:41

@LadyKenya no, the mother had messaged the other parents on the group chat and told them I was taking her child home.

I have put a message on the group chat saying I am unable to give lifts home as I do my grocery shopping after the activity.

What a CF,
When she put on the group chat that you were taking her child home (without asking you !) Then why didn’t you reply that you aren’t taking her child home as you weren’t asked and you can’t do it ?
Message on it now and say ‘I wasn’t asked to do the lifts and If I was the answer would have been the same. NO, I can’t do lifts’

Bonjovispyjamas · 12/02/2025 11:18

HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear · 12/02/2025 10:50

"I wasn't ever asked to give X a lift home last week; it was just announced on here without my knowledge or agreement. When I nevertheless dropped X home, neither parent was home to discuss this with.

X bullied my child and then kicked my seat all the way home. My child is autistic and was upset and unsettled by this.

It might take a village to raise a child, but a parent's primary responsibility is to keep their own children safe. My child needs a peaceful drive home during which they feel safe, and during which I can concentrate on driving.

I therefore won't be giving X a lift home again. It sounds like a few others might be willing to go out of their way to help though? ☺️"

Please send this.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 12/02/2025 11:19

Please hold firm on not giving the child regular lifts OP.

Someone who thinks 'well she's going past my house anyway she can take my child too' without even asking you if you are OK with it is just as likely to think 'well she's cooking tea for her child it won't be much for her to cook tea for mine' and you'll end up doing childcare after the activity too, especially as it sounds like there is no adult at home after the activity.

I get it's nice to do favours for people, but if someone is an encroacher they need strong initial boundaries so they know not to encroach with you.

BestDIL · 12/02/2025 11:19

I had a similar issue years ago with school runs. Another Mum who I happened to work with used to collar me just before I left work to collect DS from school asking if I could pick up her child and take him home (at least she asked, I guess). This went on for a number of weeks until one morning when we were coming out of the house and she drove past me taking her DS to school. She waved and smiled but drove on!

The next time she asked me, later that day, I suggested we share the school run, she takes my DS in the morning and I bring her DS back in the afternoon. Sadly, she hasn't spoken to me since! That was about 12 years ago and it still rankles me now.

Shut this woman down, she didn't have the decency to ask you. If the child is expecting a lift with you next time, return them to the organisers and state that [you are not going that way as you have Drs, Dentist, other engagement] and that you haven't been asked to collect the child.

She is a CF!

Anxioustealady · 12/02/2025 11:19

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Have you replied since?

I would say "I was trying to be polite but you're not taking the hint. I will not be giving yours or anyone else's children lifts."

Don't worry for a single second about the others in the group saying you should because it takes a village. They could offer, but haven't. These women are bullying you because they think you're an easy target. Don't worry about "oh they'll dislike me if I don't go along with it", they already are disrespecting you, you'll never win them over. I'm not trying to be cruel to you, I get picked as an easy target too. Don't allow them to push you around.

LittleOwl153 · 12/02/2025 11:22

You are going to have to respond to the CF message as she's basically said your excuse doesn't count and you will still be taking her.

I'd just say -
That won't work for us. I wont be collecting X. You will need to make other arrangements.

And then respond no further.

I would then contact the teacher/organiser and let them know of the situation so that when CF tells them you are picking they can challenge - or they can challenge on drop off anyway if they don't want to be stuck with the child.

But absolutely refuse to bring the child home tonight. Otherwise you will be stuck with it and it is clearly detrimental to your child.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 12/02/2025 11:23

rwalker · 12/02/2025 11:04

There’s no silver bullet with this one it’s just going to have to be a direct no

A silver bullet would be taking things a little far.

Although the mother and child seem to have the manners of werewolves.

RareMaker · 12/02/2025 11:26

YANBU

I know that decompression after activity is crucial.

RubyRedBow · 12/02/2025 11:27

I would say that you will not be doing it again and you only did last time because she was so irresponsible to leave her alone.
The group leader will have to constant her parents if nobody collects her.

ruethewhirl · 12/02/2025 11:29

ilovelamp82 · 12/02/2025 10:02

Reply, "Oh good, there you go, a couple of volunteers. I'm glad you got it sorted."

Show quote history

Absolutely this. OMG what is wrong with these people?! The sheer CF-ery and presumption, not to mention the others piling on.

I'm gobsmacked at the sheer nerve of this mum. Asking you if you'd be willing to do this would have been one thing, and fair enough imo, but to presume and tell everyone you will be doing it without having actually asked? It'd be a 'hell, no' from me for that reason alone. This sounds like someone who goes around wrong-footing people with her sheer brazenness and getting away with it because people are too aghast to come up with a refusal in the moment. And sadly for her DD, it sounds like her general rudeness and entitled attitude are rubbing off on her, which isn't going to help her in life.

CaptBirdsEar · 12/02/2025 11:31

You have just got to put your foot down and say NO as in NO

If the mother doesn't like it tough luck.

MeridianB · 12/02/2025 11:33

They are all completely irrationally unreasonable.

Post a final message on the chat confirming you won't be driving any other children. Then disengage. Leave the chat ideally.

Madamecholetsbonnet · 12/02/2025 11:34

ilovelamp82 · 12/02/2025 10:02

Reply, "Oh good, there you go, a couple of volunteers. I'm glad you got it sorted."

Show quote history

This is exactly what I would do.

Isittimeformynapyet · 12/02/2025 11:35

HorrorFan81 · 12/02/2025 10:09

I'd be fuming OP!

Respond ASAP clarifying that the arrangement is causing your child distress so you can't do it anymore. But since the rest of the group have mentioned the village you assume some of them will be able to step up and help

There never was an arrangement!

Fedupdoc · 12/02/2025 11:35

No is a complete sentence. Say you cannot do it. She needs to find another way to manage her own child

PoltergeistsStartLowKey · 12/02/2025 11:37

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:49

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Don't reply to this message. You have said no. Enough. If the kid gets left behind so what?

ChateauMargaux · 12/02/2025 11:37

Your village is right behind you - you are not wrong to say no.

Please understand that there are reasons why I am unable to offer xxxx a lift home. This had create some unwelcome comments which have made me feel uncomfortable. I hope that you will respect my request not to discuss this further on this group.

Problemzapper · 12/02/2025 11:38

Wow! this child's parent(s) really doesn't give a s#8t who takes responsibility for them - not even at home to greet the kind person/stranger who agreed (without consultation) to drop them home - maybe a potential case for social services?

I would simply not agree to take the child home again full stop, leaving up to the staff who organises the activity to contact the parent - not fair on them either, i know, but at least they will have the contact information of the parent (or should have), and they can relay their annoyance to said parent, perhaps refusing further access to their activity if parent doesn't promise to collect at finish time in future. You could mention it to the organiser before the class so they can decide beforehand how to handle matter - it's not your responsibility.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 12/02/2025 11:38

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

I am shocked that people think this mother is the reasonable one?!
I'd be sitting there watching the group chat cringing at the mother assuming someone else can do her parenting for her....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2025 11:39

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

I would reply "Well - if it takes a village to raise children, I did my share when I took Edna home last week - so it must be your turn this week!!", @DreamingOfHotPotatoes.

The mum, and her cheerleaders on the WhatsApp group are all cheeky fuckers - very happy to volunteer someone else's time and effort, but unwilling to step up themselves. They can fuck off. I wish you could add me to the group, so I could tell them a few home truths.

Fraaances · 12/02/2025 11:40

Foot down now… Write back “Where’s this village when I need help raising MY child? Obviously you can volunteer to have your child violently shoved and your car destroyed instead. I’m not doing it.”

Rickrolypoly · 12/02/2025 11:42

It's hard to believe anyone would accept this situation.

Your first mistake was taking the child home the first night. You said it was "agreed" in the group chat that you would take the child home on the first night so why did you not speak up then if you are also in that group chat?

I would respond with one last message stating that you are not taking the child home after the activity and you are not discussing it further and then leave it at that. If the child is left behind, it is not your problem to fix.