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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:
WildCats24 · 13/02/2025 09:20

You’re right, OP, there may be another group chat. In that case, I would probably write in the group chat that you’re in… “Feeling a bit disappointed in the group. Unbeknownst to me, someone has shared my personal address with another mum, who I don’t speak with. That mum took it upon herself to assume that I would be giving her child rides home, which I am not able to do. That mum told the group leader, without asking me, that I would be transporting her child home. At the end of last week’s session, the group leader informed me that the other mum had informed her of the “arrangement”, which was news to me. Caught up in the moment, I agreed to take the child home as a one off, and unfortunately the child was not well behaved during the journey. I have once again explained that I am not available to do lifts. I was disappointed to find that after my clear communication last week, that a child was once again, without the parent communicating with me, left behind for me to transport home. I was unfortunately not in a position to help out again. Others in the group have stated that they like the idea of shared lifts, so I hope that you can agree a lift share rota amongst yourselves going forward.” Then LEAVE THE WHATSAPP GROUP.

Creameded · 13/02/2025 09:27

If this was a reverse and OP was having an accusation levelled at her having brought a child home she didn't know, of parents she'd never met nor had contact with, and left the child with a lodger..........people on here would write she was batshit to have involved herself.

So many red flags.
I think the Learder is a huge red flag to have knowingly been a part of this AND to have now tried to bully you into doing this, is quite shocking.

Honestly you could ring 101 for advice on this.
I've come across some CF parents but this is really unbelievable and the behaviour of the Leader is very off.

I have done some training for mandated persons, as my girls play hockey and tennis and honestly this is all so off.

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2025 09:30

WildCats24 · 13/02/2025 09:20

You’re right, OP, there may be another group chat. In that case, I would probably write in the group chat that you’re in… “Feeling a bit disappointed in the group. Unbeknownst to me, someone has shared my personal address with another mum, who I don’t speak with. That mum took it upon herself to assume that I would be giving her child rides home, which I am not able to do. That mum told the group leader, without asking me, that I would be transporting her child home. At the end of last week’s session, the group leader informed me that the other mum had informed her of the “arrangement”, which was news to me. Caught up in the moment, I agreed to take the child home as a one off, and unfortunately the child was not well behaved during the journey. I have once again explained that I am not available to do lifts. I was disappointed to find that after my clear communication last week, that a child was once again, without the parent communicating with me, left behind for me to transport home. I was unfortunately not in a position to help out again. Others in the group have stated that they like the idea of shared lifts, so I hope that you can agree a lift share rota amongst yourselves going forward.” Then LEAVE THE WHATSAPP GROUP.

If there is another group, I would LOVE to read it.

Cismyfatarse · 13/02/2025 09:32

I still think this group of parents are having a night out / doing an activity when their children are at this club. That is why they are all invested in her not having to do a pick up. They need her as a 4 for bridge / tennis / twister.

WildCats24 · 13/02/2025 09:33

ThejoyofNC · 13/02/2025 09:30

If there is another group, I would LOVE to read it.

Show quote history

Sounds like all of the other mums are bitching about OP anyway. Leave the group chat. Let the lift share warriors work it out amongst themselves.

ImmediateReaction · 13/02/2025 09:42

Cismyfatarse · 13/02/2025 09:32

I still think this group of parents are having a night out / doing an activity when their children are at this club. That is why they are all invested in her not having to do a pick up. They need her as a 4 for bridge / tennis / twister.

Car keys in the pot maybe. Desperately trying to ensure leader stays free whilst child is dumped on another.

Problemzapper · 13/02/2025 09:53

Another thing to consider is that when you give a lift to someone else's child (and maybe take them supermarket shopping after, as she suggested) is that you are basically taking responsibility for their welfare during that time, so if anything untoward should happen to them you could be held responsible. That's fine if you are doing it as a favour for a friend, with the added bonus of maybe them doing similar for you in future, but for a stranger? I would just say no, not convenient.

Problemzapper · 13/02/2025 10:02

I don't know how keen your dc is on this activity, whatever it is, but it sounds like a manipulative, toxic group of mums you're dealing with so if possible maybe find an alternative activity for your dc? life is too short and stressful as it is to be dealing with this nonsense. But if you keep it going, leave that stupid Whatsapp group - it hasn't proved very supportive to you.

RockOrAHardplace · 13/02/2025 10:07

OP, you need to tell the group and the leaders firmly what the situation is. I think they may believe that this was all arranged between you and the other mum and so find your behaviour anti social and unfriendly. I feel you are being bullied into submission.

I really do think you need to explain in the group chat what has happened, and add that you would have been happy to help in an emergency but your child is autistic and that adds a dynamic to the ask that they have not considered and you actually have private commitments after the pickup which mean you are not available to give lifts (you don't have to expand). Make it quite clear that at no point has this Mother asked for a lift, given you the home address or even raised the point.

Fraaances · 13/02/2025 10:12

I agree with above. The group leader accused you of "Changing your mind." Let them know that you have never agreed to drop off the child. You have never met the parent. The parent didn't appear to be home when you did and you don't want to be saddled with any possible accusation of child neglect, which you suspect would be likely if anything were to take place either on your way home or once the child had been dropped back.

Not only that, but you will not tolerate being bullied by the group chat for establishing your boundaries on the subject. You have enough on your plate as a parent of a child with SEN and you don't need anything else added to your load.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/02/2025 11:15

In the group leader's defence, though she should NOT have been snappish with you, The other mum firmly told her you were taking the child home, as if it was all arranged... It's not surprising that she'd find it hard to believe someone would lie like that.. so its not surprising that she questioned that.
Well done for standing your ground
She did end up taking the child home herself and will be keen not to repeat it. If the child kicked off like they did in your car, because they didn't want to hang about in the venue, she will completely understand why you don't want to drive the child (who I feel quite sorry for actually - but not because of your actions)
She will certainly speak to the other mother and complain about the inconvenience to herself.
Also she will realise that this attitude of the child's mum and her mates might make you leave the group completely. and the child still won't have a lift home organised. Group leaders don't like people having to leave the group because it affects their income.. so that might make her more willing to back you up.
The suggested replies to group leader, to make your position clear, are a good idea and you might add to the part where the child had to give their address and then you had to leave them with a lodger - which is safeguarding? I can't remember exactly wwhat was said... but I have a feeling now the group leader knows the full facts she might start to think differently.
It must have been horrid for you, being called out in front of the group, with other mothers joining in the dialogue tho, so I completely sympathise with the position you've been put in by the pitchfork villagers.

diddl · 13/02/2025 11:30

In the group leader's defence, though she should NOT have been snappish with you, The other mum firmly told her you were taking the child home, as if it was all arranged... It's not surprising that she'd find it hard to believe someone would lie like that.. so its not surprising that she questioned that.

And that Op did take the girl home the previous week.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2025 12:47

crockofshite · 12/02/2025 23:06

What exactly would be the 'safeguarding issue ' in this case?

I'm all for having boundaries and sticking to them and people can and should say "NO" to anything they don't want to do, but what is this fad for 'safeguarding '?

Is it the new 'mental health ' ?

Show quote history

I'm no expert, @crockofshite, but I'd assume it was a safeguarding issue for a parent to decide that another person, who she has never spoken to, will be giving her child a lift home - someone who is basically a stranger to her and to her child, and about whom she knows little or nothing. And given that she hasn't even asked the OP, she had no way of knowing if she could give the lift at all - @DreamingOfHotPotatoes' dd might have missed that evening due to illness or some other arrangement, so the child could have been stranded at the group with no lift home - not particularly safe for the child.

And finally, the OP did not even know where this child lived - she had to be directed by the child and when she got there, she was handing the child over NOT to her mum, but to the lodger! Handing a child over to a complete stranger.

These look like safeguarding issues to me.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 13/02/2025 12:49

Another who agrees with sending @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius email and contacting safeguarding, you can’t just dump your child and hope for the best.

crockofshite · 13/02/2025 12:57

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2025 12:47

I'm no expert, @crockofshite, but I'd assume it was a safeguarding issue for a parent to decide that another person, who she has never spoken to, will be giving her child a lift home - someone who is basically a stranger to her and to her child, and about whom she knows little or nothing. And given that she hasn't even asked the OP, she had no way of knowing if she could give the lift at all - @DreamingOfHotPotatoes' dd might have missed that evening due to illness or some other arrangement, so the child could have been stranded at the group with no lift home - not particularly safe for the child.

And finally, the OP did not even know where this child lived - she had to be directed by the child and when she got there, she was handing the child over NOT to her mum, but to the lodger! Handing a child over to a complete stranger.

These look like safeguarding issues to me.

Show quote history

I totally agree, the OP situation is definitely a safeguarding issue.

However I was trying to respond to a different poster, #purplecorkheart recounting their friends accident and her next door neighbour wouldn't take her son to school due to 'safeguarding'. That sounds like the teacher using 'safeguarding' as an excuse rather than saying NO.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/02/2025 13:24

My apologies, @crockofshite - I had missed that. What a numpty I am.

Londonrach1 · 13/02/2025 14:16

Agree definitely a second what's app group

Creameded · 13/02/2025 14:48

Bloody hell, if a person/leader doesn't think that the above doesn't indicate safe guarding issues of a child 30 minutes away from an activity, being clearly foisted of another adult that doesn't know them or their parents, or where they even live....... I feel sorry for anyone they might be responsible for.
I think it needs reporting.

Mathsbabe · 13/02/2025 16:35

I had a parent do this to me. I picked my children and a friend after school and walked to a dance class. One day school sent another child to me who explained that I was expected to walk her to dance classes too. I was very surprised. Turned out that the mother was a neighbour of the friend's mother.
Some time later I found out that this mother was also a Social Worker.

Yalta · 13/02/2025 17:11

I then got the stink eye from one of the other mum's who said CF's husband had recently left her and could I not be a little more understanding! I said it was hard to understand someone I've never spoken to!!

Perfect response.

However then was your chance to say

“Why don’t you take her home if CF has told you her circumstances and she needs a little understanding”

Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 17:45

I'd bow out of this group for a week or two Op to allow this to blow over. If the group have to make other arrangements when you're not about it might change their minds, especially if they then see how rudely the DC behaves. Either this or I'd go and see the CF and make it clear why there will be no more lifts home, it depends on how assertive you are.

MTP312 · 13/02/2025 18:16

Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 17:45

I'd bow out of this group for a week or two Op to allow this to blow over. If the group have to make other arrangements when you're not about it might change their minds, especially if they then see how rudely the DC behaves. Either this or I'd go and see the CF and make it clear why there will be no more lifts home, it depends on how assertive you are.

So the OP's DC has to not go to a class they enjoy, because of this CF? How is that fair/right?

Daleksatemyshed · 13/02/2025 18:34

You're right @MTP312 the Ops DC shouldn't have to miss out which is why I said a week or two rather than giving up altogether. It seems very much that the other DMs in the group will either go on badgering the Op to gives lifts she feels unable to give or they'll take it out on her and possibly her DC. I'd love to say explain it to them and they'll see you're not being unreasonable but they've picked sides already, they think the Ops being unkind when that's not the case.

Acc0untant · 13/02/2025 18:38

I think I'd miss next week on purpose so that when their child is left there again the coach will really understand that child's mum has abandoned him/her with no plans in place to pick them back up.

surreygirl1987 · 13/02/2025 19:41

Wow that's mental! Can't believe what a CF the mother is!!