To not give her a lift?

[DreamingOfHotPotatoes]

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

It sounds like the group leader is friendly with that CF mum. If it starts to spoil your daughters enjoyment of the activity you will sadly need to move her. But make sure you leave a stinking review on their Google page.

You said the op did not know the child or the mother they do!

She says in her first post that she doesn’t know this woman and has never spoken to her. The woman asked others where OP lived then decided to send her child home with her. Without asking her. If you think that’s normal behaviour then you have a screw loose..

I probably would have suggested sharing lifts. So you do one week they do the next.

Otherwise don't let it upset you. The woman didn't ask you. That's some pretty ignorant behaviour.

Also when she said it's OK for her child to come shopping with you that's when you no way am I shopping with your child in tow. Its hard enough shopping with one child let alone an autistic child and a random stray.

I think I would have been honest from the start - "Sorry, my child doesn't like having your child in the car - they don't gel well together in confined spaces - and that's our one-on-one time together so you'll see why it doesn't work for us". And then just repeat "it doesn't work for us" ad infinitum.

Whatever organisation oversees this club, assuming there is one, needs to get a complaint from you about the way the leader spoke to you.
That parent and all their friends are CF gold medallists for that caper!

I haven’t read all the thread but surely the leaders of the activity should not have let you take the child?? I run a youth group and we must have written consent for all people who collect the child.

Well done for standing your ground OP

In the circumstances you describe (not being easy to find an alternative group for your DD) I would write a very frank note on the group chat along the lines of:

'I just want to clear something up. I have never been asked to take XXX home and if I had, I would have regretfully declined as DD's autism means that even just doing the activity is quite the win for her and she needs quiet time afterwards to decompress. We use the time in the car for exactly that and I am not prepared to make her feel uncomfortable by taking this time away from her. I didn't really want to talk about this on a group chat but now feel so uncomfortable, that I don't feel I have a choice.

In addition to this, it's not within our means to commit to taking someone home on a regular basis. DD and I need the freedom to change our plans/not come to activity/to go to a park afterwards - depending on how she is coping - and this would be impossible with such a commitment.

Lastly, I find it really rude that the assumption was I would take 'child' without so much as a conversation. I have literally never spoken to 'Mum'. I cannot imagine 'assuming' that a lift was 'sorted' under these circumstances - never mind a long term commitment.

I am more than happy to offer lifts on an ad hoc basis, or in special circumstances - we are quite friendly really! - but have found this last few weeks really uncomfortable and am feeling a bit 'judged'. DD really enjoys 'activity' and it's one of the first times she's ever felt settled enough to keep doing something, so I really don't want us to feel cornered into leaving as it would be a really hard thing to replace. I hope you all now understand my point of view and will ask me directly if you need help with lifts or anything else. Thanks.

Oh, I don’t blame her not wanting to, I doubt the other parent would be willing, but it’s an excuse to show who the cf is 🙂

I would just say no.

But it is a big inconvenience for the OP to have a rude child who shoves her own child out of the way then kicks the OP’s seat when denied the front seat. On top of all that, it deprives the OP’s child, who has autism, of her much-needed time and space to decompress.

You had to leave her child with the lodger. Fucking hell, THAT is why i'd not get involved. Insane to be given that responsibility.

I'd missed this but about the lodger. This is a huge safeguarding issue. Not only had you never spoken to this child's parent and had to ask where they lived, you handed them over to someone at the house who wasn't a parent. This mother and the group leader have put you in an awful, precarious position with their actions.

Oh yes, of course. OP should #bekind despite the breathtakingly presumptuous rudeness with which the other mum has treated her.

Perhaps OP should write 'Welcome' across her forehead in block capitals while she's at it??

So the activity leader and the other parents are all colluding with the negligent CF to make her badly behaved child's transport issues into your problem?

Bugger that.

Is the CF mother working? Was there any information from anyone as to where the fuck she was while you brought her child home and left her with the lodger? There is so much wrong with this entire scenario that I can't believe the rest of the people are going along with it.

I'd definitely put in a complaint about how the group leader spoke to you. That's outrageous.

Also, @Sunshine1500, ‘sharing’ lifts assumes that the CF will sometimes be driving the OP’s child home - but every indication is that it will be an entirely one way street, with the OP doing all the giving and the CF doing all the taking.

If it is a sports club there is a relatively new sports welfare and safeguarding role being implemented across England - you could report to them.

https://activepartnerships.org/what-we-do/programmes/welfare/

Well done for standing your ground op. This CF is beyond entitled and I can’t believe her attitude or that of other parents. Some of the responses on here are a bit mad too. Your child needs decompression time and that’s that, not that you have to tell them that if you don’t want to. FFS just tell them no once and for all - it’s a complete sentence remember.. 😉

Good message, but I would omit the ad hoc basis/special circumstances bit, because then you are confirming you are able to give lifts, and you could argue that the girl not having a lift hone, is a ‘survival circumstance’.

Why o why do parents sign their kids up to clubs that they can’t transport their kids to and from?!

Wow, the mum, her little cheer team and leader of the group sound like a right nightmare. You keep standing your ground love. Well done for sticking up for yourself and advocating for your daughter x

I probably would have suggested sharing lifts. So you do one week they do the next

Sorry but we are in CF territory! One minor slip and CF will kick off, or it’ll be lifts to school, can they stay for tea ….. and in it goes …. Not a peep of a returned favour.

Those who have never come across and CF are truly blessed.

Why did you take the child when you hadn't been asked? I would've simply said I don't know the child's mother, this wasn't discussed with me and anyway I'm going grocery shopping first so I can't have a random child with me.

There's an activity that my dh takes our boys to, at one point one of the other dads was hoping to ask my dh if dh could also take his kids as we live nearby. (We got word from another dad)
My dh was adamant that he will say no if asked as that's his alone time with our boys and doesn't want the atmosphere/dynamics changed with someone else's kids there, and the responsibility that comes with it. He also likes to go to the shops with them after or if he needs to go somewhere to collect something, so having other ppls kids would make him feel restricted.
And we know that other dad would never return the favour so even more reason to say no.

That mother sounds irresponsible, she didn't even have the decency to ask you, the other mums are jumping to her tune as they'll never need to provide the lift bc they live in the opposite direction. Ppl like that are so entitled that they think everyone owes them something.

I’d be sending the following:

“I think there has been a massive misunderstanding, I at no point have ever been asked my child Xs parents if I would mind giving her a lift home. I have never had a conversation with mother x ever! I am unsure where the idea that I was a taxi driver avalible to give lifts to children I do not know has come from. So to be clear, I was put on the spot and took said child home the first time she was left for me to take home without my knowledge and made it clear I would not be doing it again. I have had quite a few unpleasant comments from people who have decided for what ever reason they can tell me what I can and can’t do. If some of you wish to help this mother, who I have never spoken to out, then by all means do so, but do not volunteer my services or feel you have a right to judge my decisions that are mine to make without the need for explanations to anyone.”

What exactly would be the 'safeguarding issue ' in this case?

I'm all for having boundaries and sticking to them and people can and should say "NO" to anything they don't want to do, but what is this fad for 'safeguarding '?

Is it the new 'mental health ' ?