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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:
RainbowSlimeLab · 12/02/2025 19:44
I Love You Sticker GIF by BrittDoesDesign

I would message the group leader and state you were never asked to take the child home, you would never have agreed to take her if you had been asked and the whole situation is making you question whether your child will be continuing.

purplecorkheart · 12/02/2025 19:46

Wow, that is bonkers. If you know what school the child is in, I would actually raise a concern with them or social services. You sound lovely and trustworthy, but she has never spoken with you, she has no idea if her daughter is safe with you or not. Is this child been picked up and dropped off (to a lodger) by other random people.

I am not the UK, but I know when a friend of mine had an accident that the teacher who lived next door could not bring her son to school as she said it was a safe-guarding issue.

Trumptonagain · 12/02/2025 19:47

Did the leader say anything to you when you said you hadn't volunteered but were nominated by CF without discussing it first.

How long have the DC been going to this activity?
Are one of you newer to the group and the mum had suddenly started going for you?

I wouldn't move my DC, stick to your guns with not being her DD's private chauffeur, keep going and be civil to those that are civil to you and ignore the oone's that aren't.

It won't be long before she realises that you mean what you say and will probably start on one of the other 'villagers' getting them to do the job.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/02/2025 19:50

Can you just go straight to the safeguarding officer of the group?

Explain you've never been asked to take this child home, you have done it once to avoid this child being left unattended but are not able to do so again and have explained this to the parent.

As the parent seems to be ignoring you, you need to raise this as a safeguarding concern as they are neglecting their own child's safety.

This is not your problem to solve. The parent has handled this really badly.

suburburban · 12/02/2025 19:51

Why isn't the mother offering to drop off your dc at the activity so it's reciprocal

What a cheek

Definitely no in future

milkywaygalaxy · 12/02/2025 19:51

Is it just me that thinks it's bizarre that the class leader would then have to take child home? Why aren't they calling her mother??

thrifty24 · 12/02/2025 19:51

I'd continue as normal otherwise CF and wing witches have in a way won. You've been as clear as days it will blow over in a couple of weeks. The leader should and might well be silently seething with CF after tonight. Since they have now been passed the baton consider it no longer your problem!

thrifty24 · 12/02/2025 19:53

I would love to be able to slide into this WhatsApp group and chat and back on OP whilst having a crack at CF for fun

RunningJo · 12/02/2025 19:54

milkywaygalaxy · 12/02/2025 19:51

Is it just me that thinks it's bizarre that the class leader would then have to take child home? Why aren't they calling her mother??

Yes, exactly. And why is everyone tutting and side eying the OP but not offering to do anything themselves. Plus I don’t understand why none of the other parents think the CF parent is being anything but unreasonable and rude

PinkPonyClub25 · 12/02/2025 19:58

I'd message the club organiser and explain that you never agreed to take the child home, and after all this this evening your questioning if it's appropriate for your child to continue the club.

It's all very odd, why didn't they ring the child's mother? Why were they annoyed at you considering it's not your child & nothing to do with you?
Is it all some sort of secret pact between the organiser, the CF and the other mums to get you to do the lifts?

MaisieMacabe · 12/02/2025 19:59

milkywaygalaxy · 12/02/2025 19:51

Is it just me that thinks it's bizarre that the class leader would then have to take child home? Why aren't they calling her mother??

Not just you.

Redfred00 · 12/02/2025 20:03

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2025 19:18

In your shoes, @DreamingOfHotPotatoes, I would be sending a very blunt email to the organisers:

“Further to tonight’s debacle, I wish to make it crystal clear that I have NEVER even been asked by X to give her daughter a lift home, and I have definitely not agreed to do so. I only took the child home last week because I was blindsided by X and her child, but prior to tonight’s activity, I told X that I would NOT be able to give her child a lift home again.

X then made the ridiculous - and frankly neglectful - decision to dump her child at the activity, knowing I was not going to give her child a lift home, presumably in hopes of manipulating me into driving her child home.

I refuse to be forced to give anyone a lift, and I am appalled firstly that X chose to leave her child with no way of getting home, secondly that you, the activity leaders, were snappy with me because I refuse to be manipulated and thirdly that other mothers at the activity were allowed to treat me rudely for sticking to my boundary - a boundary, I should mention, that they ALL knew about as they had seen my WhatsApp messages saying I would not be giving X’s child a lift home. They tried to guilt trip me there, and tried again by their attitudes tonight, and I am shocked at their behaviour and your condoning of it. I am also shocked that you do not see X’s actions as a safeguarding concern - getting her child driven home by an adult who she has never even spoken to does not sound sensible to me.

If they think X needs help, they are more than welcome to offer - but their ‘helpfulness’ only seems to stretch as far as trying to force the responsibility onto another, already hard pressed parent.

Finally, I wish to make it absolutely clear that I will not be offering X’s child a lift home in the future. I have made this clear to X, and I am making it clear to you.”

I'd absolutely 💯 want to send this. Unfortunately, I'm very conflict adverse and would probably say nothing, continue to go to the group and say no to all and every lift request.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/02/2025 20:12

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 19:00

Sorry, I got busy with work and club.

To clear things up - the CF mum had told the group leader and other parents that I would be taking her child home. They were not being remiss in their duties. I even wondered if I had perhaps missed a message in the chat where she had asked me. It wasn't until I got home and scrolled back through the messages that I saw she hadn't ever asked me.

I arrived at the activity today to pick up my child and lo and behold, there was her child waiting too. Despite me saying no, she had done it again. I took the child in, explained to the leader that I was unable to drive the child home. The group leader was a bit short with me, saying it was ridiculous that I would change my mind at the last minute, as they had other things to do after this and dropping the child home was inconvenient for them! I then got the stink eye from one of the other mum's who said CF's husband had recently left her and could I not be a little more understanding! I said it was hard to understand someone I've never spoken to!! In then end, with much huffing and puffing, the group leader said they would drive the child home. Child then kicked off saying they wanted to go with me, as the leader still had to pack up and they wanted to be home sooner rather than later. It was absolutely ridiculous!

Unreal.

So the CF Parent had run it by the organiser about what was happening with their child and not the parent who would be responsible for bringing the child home???

How dare they collude against you!

I'd have no qualms now that you have the fullest of pictures of putting a post up on the group chat (and any social media sites that may be operated by this group) stating that you were not asked, approached or communicated with these parents. It's a safeguarding issue and you are stating very clearly now that no lifts will be provided either to or from the location. The village can raise itself for all you care at this point. How dare they decide what you can do with your own time. The feeling that you've now got from the group is one of bullying and you don't want to participate in it any more.

If the activity is something like girl guides or brownies or similar, I'd have zero issues about reporting this up the ladder to the regional area and higher if you don't get a satisfactory response. If it's for a sport, or if the building is hired out to a particular group, I'd have no issues reporting it for safety issues to the building manager or the regional sporting officials. Escalate this up! It's a disgrace what these parents and now the organisers were doing!

That's some wackadoodle stuff going on in that activity.

My honest advice is to leave the activity and these wackadoodle parents and organisers to their own devices.

Dita73 · 12/02/2025 20:13

I agree with @Redfred00 That email is perfect to send but I would also add to it about your child’s autism and that adjusting is difficult. Don’t let them get away with it

GardeningEconomist · 12/02/2025 20:15

Yes I agree. Flag it now as a safeguarding concern @DreamingOfHotPotatoes . Email now. State that you don't know the mother, you don't know the child and that last week when you were 'forced' to take the child home the mother was not at home and so the child was left with a lodger.

And mention that there are other parents at this activity that clearly know the mother and the child.

You are being put in an awful situation. What would happen if something went wrong? You would be taking the blame as you let the child into your care.

Moonnstars · 12/02/2025 20:17

What is the club and who is the organiser?

There should still be safeguarding procedures, even with a voluntary group if that's what it is.

I don't think you are wrong in saying no - the parent has not asked you and you have not agreed to any arrangement.
I think the group leader should be looking into following the safeguarding procedures and what they should be doing about a child who isn't being collected and with a mum who claims to have made arrangements (which are false).

ThejoyofNC · 12/02/2025 20:19

I fear you'll be pushed out either way now OP so you might be best to look into alternatives.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 12/02/2025 20:21

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2025 19:18

In your shoes, @DreamingOfHotPotatoes, I would be sending a very blunt email to the organisers:

“Further to tonight’s debacle, I wish to make it crystal clear that I have NEVER even been asked by X to give her daughter a lift home, and I have definitely not agreed to do so. I only took the child home last week because I was blindsided by X and her child, but prior to tonight’s activity, I told X that I would NOT be able to give her child a lift home again.

X then made the ridiculous - and frankly neglectful - decision to dump her child at the activity, knowing I was not going to give her child a lift home, presumably in hopes of manipulating me into driving her child home.

I refuse to be forced to give anyone a lift, and I am appalled firstly that X chose to leave her child with no way of getting home, secondly that you, the activity leaders, were snappy with me because I refuse to be manipulated and thirdly that other mothers at the activity were allowed to treat me rudely for sticking to my boundary - a boundary, I should mention, that they ALL knew about as they had seen my WhatsApp messages saying I would not be giving X’s child a lift home. They tried to guilt trip me there, and tried again by their attitudes tonight, and I am shocked at their behaviour and your condoning of it. I am also shocked that you do not see X’s actions as a safeguarding concern - getting her child driven home by an adult who she has never even spoken to does not sound sensible to me.

If they think X needs help, they are more than welcome to offer - but their ‘helpfulness’ only seems to stretch as far as trying to force the responsibility onto another, already hard pressed parent.

Finally, I wish to make it absolutely clear that I will not be offering X’s child a lift home in the future. I have made this clear to X, and I am making it clear to you.”

PLEAAASE send this OP and then tell us what they say 🤣

NotDarkGothicMama · 12/02/2025 20:23

Have you actually told the whole story to the group? "To be clear to the everyone, X's mum has never asked me to take X home. I was surprised last week but didn't want to leave X with no way home so did it as a one-off emergency. I messaged to say I can't give lifts, but X was expecting a lift home again this evening. I'm afraid my own commitments and my child's additional needs mean I cannot give lifts. I hope this is the last I need to say about it."

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 12/02/2025 20:23

NotDarkGothicMama · 12/02/2025 20:23

Have you actually told the whole story to the group? "To be clear to the everyone, X's mum has never asked me to take X home. I was surprised last week but didn't want to leave X with no way home so did it as a one-off emergency. I messaged to say I can't give lifts, but X was expecting a lift home again this evening. I'm afraid my own commitments and my child's additional needs mean I cannot give lifts. I hope this is the last I need to say about it."

And this!

Cherrysoup · 12/02/2025 20:25

I’m delighted you stood your ground, OP, bloody well done!

CantHoldMeDown · 12/02/2025 20:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Russiandollsaresofullofthemselves · 12/02/2025 20:30

Don’t change your child’s activity your child comes first. in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter if these people don’t like you because of it. No is a complete sentence. you shouldn’t have added a reason as to why a lift couldn’t be offered as it has made things more awkward. message the CF now and tell her it was unreasonable to expect a lift with zero communication and that if she does it again you will report her child as abandoned.

Delatron · 12/02/2025 20:31

I’d definitely complain to the group
leader and mention safeguarding concerns. To be honest, I’d say I was reporting them to the Local Authority over these serious safeguarding concerns as the whole thing and they way they all colluded against you would piss me off so much. I’d go out in a blaze of glory.

But I understand you still want your child to go. I’d still complain to the group leader citing safeguarding. I’d exit the WhatsApp group and never speak to any of them again. Looks like you don’t have to stay at the activity? So just drop and run and collect and run. And they are all CFs so…

ZekeZeke · 12/02/2025 20:36

Well done standing your ground OP