Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not give her a lift?

791 replies

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 09:12

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

OP posts:
MeridianB · 12/02/2025 16:39

crockofshite · 12/02/2025 16:32

Don't make excuses, don't say 'sorry' and don't use your child as the reason for not giving anyone a lift.

Say something like....

.... You misunderstand me. I'm not giving kicky child any lifts.

Show quote history

This. Because you've seen what happens when you give excuses - CF finds a way round them. Just say no.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/02/2025 16:41

on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on.

How is her child going to get TO the activity if you're not picking them up? Surely, when you don't swing by and collect them, they will have to drive 30 minutes there to take them. I would speak to them then and say that you won't be taking them home.

If the other parents are horrible about it, I'd give the activity a miss for a few weeks and tell the organisers why.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/02/2025 16:43

Vevvie · 12/02/2025 16:37

Just tell her you’re willing to share the driving, one drops off and the other picks up.

Show quote history

But @DreamingOfHotPotatoes isn’t willing to share the driving, @Vevvie - she doesn’t want a rude, kicky child in her car, pushing her child to try to get to the front seat first, and, most importantly, taking away the quiet, de-stressing time her child (who has autism) needs during the journey home!

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/02/2025 16:47

Shinyandnew1 · 12/02/2025 16:41

on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on.

How is her child going to get TO the activity if you're not picking them up? Surely, when you don't swing by and collect them, they will have to drive 30 minutes there to take them. I would speak to them then and say that you won't be taking them home.

If the other parents are horrible about it, I'd give the activity a miss for a few weeks and tell the organisers why.

The OP has said:

on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on.

Although all other posts seem to focus on the from rather than the to.

I'd like to know how she found out exactly where the OP lives though, to know that she drives past her house. The OP said everyone else lives in the opposite direction so I'm not sure how they'd know either, but the OP seems to be the only one this CF hasn't actually engaged in conversation about this giving lifts plan.

Is the OP coming back do you suppose? Lots of questions outstanding.

Samung · 12/02/2025 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Burntout101 · 12/02/2025 16:52

Leave the child at the activity and tell the organiser that you have not agreed to take them home. The organiser will have to phone the parent to pick them up.

BuckleBrothers · 12/02/2025 16:52

Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home,

Are you in the UK? A small village somewhere? I just can’t imagine this situation being acceptable anywhere for any childcare provider or decent parent. I would not have felt comfortable taking any child home without the parent’s explicit consent.

misskatamari · 12/02/2025 16:52

You have to stamp this out now. No no no. You are NOT taking this child anywhere. If she leaves them behind - that’s for the leader to deal with. Don’t be guilted into this by people who this has nothing to do with, and aren’t offering their own help. So so inappropriate and quite frankly utterly batshit behaviour

Poppychimney · 12/02/2025 16:55

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here @DreamingOfHotPotatoes

Kickychild's parent is a CF. She should have asked you if this was okay and it would get my back up too.

But, bear in mind that this is the point where some the adults in this group are your potential friends for life and by refusing, you risk alienating yourself.

If your child's autism really is a barrier, then have a word directly with the mother/father and explain that's the reason - that your DC needs quiet time in the car to decompress because of their disability.

If it's not, then rather than communicate by group WhatsApp, you still should chat to the parent and explain you were surprised by their assumption and let them know what would be acceptable to you. That might be sharing favours, or sticking to your guns and assertively saying, 'sorry, no, I'm afraid I can't commit to this' or suggesting the parent comes up with a liftshare rota.

BuckleBrothers · 12/02/2025 16:56

Honestly, any parent strange enough to do that, is unpredictable enough to accuse you of all sorts should something happen to her kid. Be careful of not putting yourself in a vulnerable position.. I am not one of life’s anxious people, and I am kind and helpful, but I would feel v uncomfortable with this and refuse.

Heronwatcher · 12/02/2025 16:58

Never mind the village- this is a huge safeguarding risk (the lift and then no one being in).

I wouldn’t have taken this the first time but you are going to have to put a stop to it. Be very direct, I wouldn’t get into behaviour as it won’t help the child but just say to the mum directly that you won’t be able to give a lift.

TBH I would also probably make a report to social services about no one being in apart from a lodger. I’d also have a serious word with the club about safeguarding.

FinallyHere · 12/02/2025 16:58

The other parents seemed to think I was being incredibly unreasonable for dithering over it. They all seem to know each other well, but live in the opposite direction.

This is fully and completely explained by their making it your problem and letting them all off the hook.

Don't let them do that to you again.

Sorry you have been treated like this.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/02/2025 16:58

BuckleBrothers · 12/02/2025 16:52

Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home,

Are you in the UK? A small village somewhere? I just can’t imagine this situation being acceptable anywhere for any childcare provider or decent parent. I would not have felt comfortable taking any child home without the parent’s explicit consent.

Certainly in the UK I would have thought most people running children's clubs would not release a child into the care of some random adult without prior permission from the parent. Unless this woman messaged the club organiser giving that permission but just didn't tell the OP? Still a bit hard to imagine though. What if the OP's parents were collecting their DGD and taking her back to their house in the opposite direction? Unless the other mother is completely chaotic and neglectful I just can't see this happening. But people like that don't generally take their children to clubs half an hour from home anyway.

I think this could possibly be outside the UK. It's still all sorts of odd though.

PrincessSakura · 12/02/2025 17:02

OP your child comes first, just reply and explain it’s too disruptive for your own child so you can’t help unfortunately bot others seem more than happy to so maybe they can make do it instead.

FinallyHere · 12/02/2025 17:03

I've had a reply. I'm staring at it in disbelief. Basically, she says its fine if I have to do the food shop after the activity, her child won't mind tagging along! Clearly I'm crap at saying no. I'm just going to have to be rude aren't I?

Nope. No need to be rude. Just say sorry, it doesn't work for us.

No excuses, excuses are just an invitation to begin. Just.say.no

Itcostshowmuchnow · 12/02/2025 17:10

She sounds entitled and rude. She is not worth making friends with so do not bend over backwards to help out. Actually do not help her out full stop.

Her child is HER responsibility not yours. If she does not turn up to collect her child the venue will have a duty of care to keep her there and probably call social services.

Itcostshowmuchnow · 12/02/2025 17:13

DreamingOfHotPotatoes · 12/02/2025 10:01

Ffs. I've now got 2 other parents on the group chat questioning why I can't do it. Saying "it takes a village to raise children"
I hate this. Why can't people just raise their own children?!

Tell the parent that these two other ladies are happy to share the lift duties and she should contact them to make arrangements. Honestly what a bunch of arseholes they all seem.

Dita73 · 12/02/2025 17:13

This is one of those posts that I’m almost hoping is a wind up as it’s made me so angry! I want to go round this woman’s house and give her a bollocking!

Dollshousedolly · 12/02/2025 17:13

You need to answer back firmly - I am unable to give lifts home from this activity.

What age are these girls ? You should have messaged the Mum after last week’s lift and said you were surprised when the girl asked you for a lift home and you obliged on that occasion, but will not be doing so again. As an aside, your daughter was badly behaved in the car.

No excuses of grocery shopping. Just a simple No. No messaging into group chats, contact parents directly.

ruethewhirl · 12/02/2025 17:14

Vevvie · 12/02/2025 16:37

Just tell her you’re willing to share the driving, one drops off and the other picks up.

Show quote history

No. Quite rightly, she isn't willing to share the driving, because of her DD's needs and how the other mum's child behaved in her car. She owes this CF less than nothing.

notamumyet2010 · 12/02/2025 17:17

Your mistake was giving a reason.
“I am not going to be giving any lifts”
End of, no excuses cos CF will always find a reason for you still do to what they want you to.
I would send the above message. And don’t be drawn into any other messages.

MaisieMacabe · 12/02/2025 17:24

I don't understand. You took a child, with no obvious parental permission, put them in your car and drove them to an address they told you, then left them with someone who wasn't a parent?
What were you thinking?.

Jellyslothbridge · 12/02/2025 17:25

I would contact the activity and let them know what has happened including you not knowing they expected a lift and even address and parent not in. I would say to the parent and the WhatsApp group that last week put you in a very difficult position and you have been advised not to give lifts to this child.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 12/02/2025 17:27

It takes a village?

I'd tell them that every village has an idiot and it's not you!

MaisieMacabe · 12/02/2025 17:28

TwigletsAndRadishes · 12/02/2025 16:58

Certainly in the UK I would have thought most people running children's clubs would not release a child into the care of some random adult without prior permission from the parent. Unless this woman messaged the club organiser giving that permission but just didn't tell the OP? Still a bit hard to imagine though. What if the OP's parents were collecting their DGD and taking her back to their house in the opposite direction? Unless the other mother is completely chaotic and neglectful I just can't see this happening. But people like that don't generally take their children to clubs half an hour from home anyway.

I think this could possibly be outside the UK. It's still all sorts of odd though.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, that's what I was wondering. I don't know what the club's organisers are doing, really. They surely understand safeguarding?