To not give her a lift?

[DreamingOfHotPotatoes]

My child does an activity, once a week, that's roughly a 30 minute drive from my house, so an hour long round trip.

However, one of the parents, who I have never spoken to, has asked other parents where I live, and on discovering that I drive past her house, has decided that I will be taking her child to and from the activity from now on. She has not asked me this! Last week she just left the child at the activity and told the child I would be giving them a ride home. I gave the child a ride home, but not willingly! This child shoved my child out of the way and demanded the front seat, then kicked the back of my seat the whole way home. My child has autism and really needs a quiet car on the way home to decompress, this was quite an ordeal for her.

I'm taking my daughter to her activity later and I'm having anxiety over it happening again. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to give this child a ride home?!

For the sake of keeping on the right side of the rest of group I’d go low key on this and don’t treat it as a public slanging match. The chances are she’s done this to other parents

Don’t put anything further on the group chat but message her privately and tell her that ‘for the sake of clarity, I will not be giving Mary any more lifts home’. Then put her on mute because she will come back at you - just disengage. She knows your stance. Also inform the coach that you have not agreed to give lifts to Mary and her parents will need to be called if they don’t show up to collect her’. Really the coach should be releasing kids into their parents/carers care at that age, not just letting them clear off with whoever they want.

This

Giving a reason why you can’t do it was a mistake (as you are realising). Don’t get drawn into an argument about it now. Just be to say “No. That doesn’t work for me.”

Don’t respond to the other parents about it in the group chat. Just ignore. Chime in about anything else. If someone brings it up in conjunction with something else say the two aren’t related as far as your concerned and respond to the other matter.

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I am unable to commit to taking responsibility for this child’s transport. Since I did it last week, which one of you from the village wants to step up this week?

So how did you reply 🤔

That could be taken as Op wanting to start a rota I think.

I would respond to say, you’re unable to do the lifts, but it sounds like those 2 other parents are able to accommodate, so problem solved.

I’ve never met people that weird before. Not only a mum who hasn’t asked if you’d be okay to do an ongoing lift for their child, but also parents that are saying you’re unreasonable not to do it. That’s a large volume of crazies in one place! Do they know you hadn’t been asked, to be able to agree to the ask? I’d be wondering if the club is worth it!

I’m sorry, but had you asked whether i could give your child weekly lifts, I would have had the opportunity to discuss this. I cannot bring your child home. I do not go straight home after and do not want to take your child to our onwards activities.

I’ve never met people that weird before. Not only a mum who hasn’t asked if you’d be okay to do an ongoing lift for their child, but also parents that are saying you’re unreasonable not to do it. That’s a large volume of crazies in one place!

It certainly is!

The Mum decided that Op would take her daughter home?

Crazier even than that is that Op did it!

Exactly this!! Just message with exactly that statement

Don't make excuses, all you have to say is "no I don't want to & I'm not going to" There doesn't have to be any further explanation. If there's any pushback just keep repeating "no I don't want to & I'm not going to" until she shuts up.

Could your child do a similar activity elsewhere? That'll get you both out of the whole mess, and not have to deal with crap from other parents.

Do not take that child home again!!! I am horrified anyone would think this is ok, it’s a massive safeguarding risk.
tell the activity organisers you have no arrangement with the parent and will not be taking the child home.
sorry - edited to say , leave the batshit group on what’s app too. These people are clearly mad.

REPORT it to the school safeguarding team. Please. And the activity leader; they have safeguarding duties as well if it's a children's club/team/etc

This is completely unacceptable and very concerning frankly. You don't know this parent, you didn't agree to give a ride, you're essentially a stranger, and she literally left her child at an activity 30 minutes from home and told her to get in your car when it was over without discussion.

I'd not be having her in my car again and making it clear why: shoving, kicking, rudeness. You are not her village.

I would reply to say that 'Mum of said child did not ask me if I would be happy to as would have been polite, but just told her child I would be taking her home and left her at the activity. Having not been asked (or thanked!) I will not be doing lifts. Thank you'

You are not the rude one.

If they all want to be villagers one of them can give the child a lift.

It would be fine to do it if you wanted to but the fact that it negatively impacts your child is enough for it to be an absolute no can do.

I would send a message saying you and DC need quiet time together after the activity tat is not compatible with anyone else joining you.

I think the whole episode is a huge red flag.
The group leader needs to told as they were responsible for the child.
If you know the school the child attends, it should be reported to the school too.

Huge red flag behaviour.

I only ser this kind of post on mn and never in real life and I have two kids who do multiple activities.

You seriously just wordlessly accepted a random child in your car and drove them home? Why? Who an earth does that?

Should that have ever happened to me I would have taken the child to activity leaders and explained they needed to contact her parents.

Why bother with faffing about on whatsapp? Clearly you just dont accept the child again, you have agency here simply dont let a stranger in your car.

I am so confused as to how this is now a thing...

Just message and say you are not giving her child a lift and you can’t believe that she has the audacity to to presume you would do without even asking you first! Say if anyone else has a problem then maybe they can do it instead but you won’t be!

This raises safeguarding concerns on many levels ...

Why bother with faffing about on whatsapp? Clearly you just dont accept the child again, you have agency here simply dont let a stranger in your car.

Indeed!

I'm wondering if Op didn't know about this until the child said at the activity.

Otherwise she would have told the mum no straight away?

Then when faced with it why take the child?

Makes no sense at all!

It's not rude to be assertive. It's not rude to protect what is important to your child.

Her child might not mind 'tagging along' (or they might mind a lot) but you mind, and your dc minds. The answer has to be a very firm no, for all ocassions.

Message her (not the group) and say "for various reasons that I will not be discussing, I can not give any lifts home from X. That includes this evening." Copy it to the group leaders.

Please stand your ground. These people can't organise your life for you, and you don't have to appease them.

Just say no. You do not owe them an explanation. But if you feel you need one tell them you are not comfortable with the liability and will not be giving rides. If they are rude tell them I'm sorry but the answer is no. I am not a chauffeur or a babysitting service. As far as the other parents tell them they are welcome to drive them as they feel it is important.

Don't make excuses, don't say 'sorry' and don't use your child as the reason for not giving anyone a lift.

Say something like....

.... You misunderstand me. I'm not giving kicky child any lifts.

Just tell her you’re willing to share the driving, one drops off and the other picks up.