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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I gave the money back

87 replies

unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 09:04

NC for this.

Inspired by a different thread- about 15 years ago, my parents kindly gifted me £20k to buy a property with me and my then partner. A proper gift, signed the relevant paperwork etc. About 5 years after that, my partner and I got married. About 5 years after that, we got divorced.

I moved out and my ex-DH sold the property, and gave me back the £20k I'd put in. My parents asked for the £20k back, so I gave it to them. So as not to drip feed- they are very comfortable, would even go as far as to say well off.

I subsequently had nothing to my name when I left the marriage, racked up a lot of debt getting back on my feet (which I am still paying off) but ultimately I am okay now.

It's never sat right with me that they essentially made me give a gift back, especially at a time when I was on the bones of my arse. The thing I think hurts the most is they were happy to contribute to my life when I was "doing it right" in their eyes ie settling down, buying a flat, getting married. It feels like the second I was no longer doing what they had in mind for me (they were both very upset that I left my ex-DH even though he was not a nice man to me because they both felt that "marriage is for life") they weren't willing to support me in any way.

AIBU to still be hurt by this, 15 years on?

OP posts:
Pinknotpurple · 12/02/2025 09:07

I'm sorry they did this just when you needed their loving support ❤️

ThatMerryReader · 12/02/2025 09:19

Maybe they thought it was a loan and not a gift.

Member984815 · 12/02/2025 09:27

ThatMerryReader · 12/02/2025 09:19

Maybe they thought it was a loan and not a gift.

But they signed paperwork legally it was a gift .

crappymeal · 12/02/2025 09:28

If it was a gift, you didn't have to pay it back.

nodramaplz · 12/02/2025 09:32

They didn't MAKE you.
You done it.

Did you get your share of the profit of the sale.
Not including your 20k

PinkyFlamingo · 12/02/2025 09:34

ThatMerryReader · 12/02/2025 09:19

Maybe they thought it was a loan and not a gift.

Did you miss the bit that says they knew it was a gift?

Original poster
unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 09:42

nodramaplz · 12/02/2025 09:32

They didn't MAKE you.
You done it.

Did you get your share of the profit of the sale.
Not including your 20k

There was no profit, the property didn't make any. I received nothing at all from the sale or my ex bar the 20k.

And you're right, they didn't make me. However they did ask me during an incredibly dark time in my life where I wasn't thinking straight nor had the energy or capacity to think things through. But you're right, I did hand it over.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 12/02/2025 09:51

I'm sorry they did this. Some things are difficult to understand and this is one of them. 💐

AppleBlossomTimeNow · 12/02/2025 09:52

I'd feel hurt too. Money can often be a proxy for love (psychologically speaking) so it is upsetting when it is withheld or withdrawn. Not to mention the anxiety you must have gone through worrying about money at a difficult time. Have you considered asking them about it? Not in a confrontational way but in a 'I'm curious to know why you did it' way.

Hdjdb42 · 12/02/2025 09:53

That was awful of them. Could you talk to them about it? Perhaps they'd offer it back if you bought a flat?

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 12/02/2025 10:02

It sounds upsetting for you when you were vulnerable and needed support. But there is another thread about why won’t the OP’s MIL sell her own assets to help son and DIL buy house.

I think this can be one reason why. Many parents would make extra financial sacrifices to help DC with property, but Mumsnet is v strict on unconditonal gift giving. So if a parent gives up their big house, travel, savings to help but then the money used for property investment is liquidised, what happens?

The DC might just decide to use it to travel but the parents now can’t do that. The Dc might reinvest in property which probably would have been fine with the parents, but I think one of the problems is that you cant guarantee DC will use the gift wisely for property. If they are going to use it differently then maybe that needs to be specified at the time of giving what the agreement is?

Sorry bit garbled but not all DC make wise choices of partners or investment and then the wealth gathered over a lifetime from in some cases easy property profits but in some cases forty years of very demanding work, is lost for next generation.

How can it work in both directions?

BMW6 · 12/02/2025 10:14

Well that was really really shitty of them, I'm sorry.

Are they still alive? If so do you have much to do with them?

Original poster
unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 11:01

Thanks for the replies so far.

Honestly the way they handled my divorce in general changed our relationship going forward- they were very supportive of my ex and didn't see my perspective at all. I didn't go no or even low contact with them, but I definitely stopped making them as much of a priority.

Our relationship is better now- partly due to time passing, also because I moved 200 miles away from them, and because - crucially - I am now in another long term relationship so I think they "understand" me again.

I've never brought it up with them as they are now both old and I don't really see the point as I don't know how much more time I have with them. I have spoken to siblings about it though and they agree it was unfair (they were all gifted the same money and have never been asked for it back).

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 11:03

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 12/02/2025 10:02

It sounds upsetting for you when you were vulnerable and needed support. But there is another thread about why won’t the OP’s MIL sell her own assets to help son and DIL buy house.

I think this can be one reason why. Many parents would make extra financial sacrifices to help DC with property, but Mumsnet is v strict on unconditonal gift giving. So if a parent gives up their big house, travel, savings to help but then the money used for property investment is liquidised, what happens?

The DC might just decide to use it to travel but the parents now can’t do that. The Dc might reinvest in property which probably would have been fine with the parents, but I think one of the problems is that you cant guarantee DC will use the gift wisely for property. If they are going to use it differently then maybe that needs to be specified at the time of giving what the agreement is?

Sorry bit garbled but not all DC make wise choices of partners or investment and then the wealth gathered over a lifetime from in some cases easy property profits but in some cases forty years of very demanding work, is lost for next generation.

How can it work in both directions?

I do understand what you're saying, and of course will look after them as much as I can when such a time comes that they need it (although ironically this will be much harder for me to offer practically due to the years I spent paying off debts I accumulated as I was 20k worse off than I was expecting to be during an incredibly stressful and expensive time in my life!)

I don't agree thought that how someone spends a gift has anything to do with it - in my mind, a gift is exactly that, a gift. If it is conditional I don't think it should be offered or accepted. Indeed, had I known the money was conditional on me being in my relationship forever I may not have accepted it.

OP posts:
Minnie798 · 12/02/2025 11:18

Perhaps they asked for it back to keep hold of, until you were in a position to buy another property ( at which point they’d return it). If you had kept the 20k post divorce, it would probably be long gone. Speak to them about it.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/02/2025 11:28

Incredibly shitty behaviour on their part - certainly would change how I felt about them

Original poster
unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 11:32

I should say as well I've since bought property with my now partner. They did not offer to contribute.

OP posts:
Littlemisslaughalot · 14/02/2025 23:54

Member984815 · 12/02/2025 09:27

But they signed paperwork legally it was a gift .

Show quote history

You have to do that legally for the mortgage company to confirm you don't have a claim on the house. My parents did the same with me. They had to provide a gift letter. It's standard. This is still rubbish however, whether they thought it was a loan or a gift, if they didn't need it and you didn't it's beyond me that they wouldn't let you keep it. They may have a different view on this I guess.

Janus · 14/02/2025 23:55

I’m so sorry I hit the wrong button and clicked on ‘you are being unreasonable’, just wanted to say you are absolutely not unreasonable. I have 4 children and I’d honestly give them anything I had to keep them safe and secure and most of the time anything else just to make them happy! I cannot possibly understand what your parents were thinking to make you pay back this money when you were obviously going to be in a very difficult position financially and emotionally.
I don’t think it’s ‘normal’ and I don’t think it’s right, I’m so sorry they didn’t have your back at such an upsetting time.

Icanttakethisanymore · 14/02/2025 23:57

ThatMerryReader · 12/02/2025 09:19

Maybe they thought it was a loan and not a gift.

Of course they didn’t. They would have had to be totally explicit that it was a gift to satisfy the mortgage company.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/02/2025 00:12

I’d raise it with them. “Why were all siblings gifted £20k and I was the only one who had to pay it back?”

OneCalmRobin · 15/02/2025 00:17

My parents did similar to me. They were very disappointed when I broke up with my first boyfriend. I gave them the money back they’d lent me to buy a house with him. I’d been pushed into this decision. I didn’t take my fair share from the house we’d bought together because I was made to feel guilty about splitting up with him.
You have to let it go and move on but learn from it and learn to stick up for yourself.
But it isn’t easy when loyalties are misplaced.

whynotwhatknot · 15/02/2025 00:17

what is it with these sort of people -i really feel for you op an the other op going thhrough this- they single one child out and cant see any shame in it

i ertainly woulnt be looking after them when the time came

have they always treated you differently from your siblings

Hatty123 · 15/02/2025 00:20

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/02/2025 00:12

I’d raise it with them. “Why were all siblings gifted £20k and I was the only one who had to pay it back?”

This. This has been eating at you and making you feel unsupported / unloved / less than your siblings for years… I would take one of them out for coffee at some stage and find a way to ask them gently.
Ie “so Mum… I have been wondering for many years and to be honest it has been a source of a lot of upset and sadness for me… it’s not about the money so much now but about how the whole thing has left me feeling… it’s just I would really like to talk to you about why you needed the £20k gift back from me but never asked for the similar gifts you gave X and Y back? Or why you felt you needed to ask for it back atall? As you know that was such a dark time for me.”
Then pause and listen. Fingers crossed mum/dad won’t dodge it or blow up about it but it they do then you aren’t really any worse off. Good luck. X

Marinade · 15/02/2025 00:21

Their conduct towards you was totally callous and inexcusable.... To reclaim money they gifted you when you were financially and emotionally vulnerable is so despicable. You were alone and they took your financial buffer from you! I really feel for you as this must fundamentally alter everything about how you see them. Where is their moral core, their empathy and their heart? It is unforgivable and you have every right to feel so wounded.