To be annoyed I gave the money back

[unsurenow2025]

NC for this.

Inspired by a different thread- about 15 years ago, my parents kindly gifted me £20k to buy a property with me and my then partner. A proper gift, signed the relevant paperwork etc. About 5 years after that, my partner and I got married. About 5 years after that, we got divorced.

I moved out and my ex-DH sold the property, and gave me back the £20k I'd put in. My parents asked for the £20k back, so I gave it to them. So as not to drip feed- they are very comfortable, would even go as far as to say well off.

I subsequently had nothing to my name when I left the marriage, racked up a lot of debt getting back on my feet (which I am still paying off) but ultimately I am okay now.

It's never sat right with me that they essentially made me give a gift back, especially at a time when I was on the bones of my arse. The thing I think hurts the most is they were happy to contribute to my life when I was "doing it right" in their eyes ie settling down, buying a flat, getting married. It feels like the second I was no longer doing what they had in mind for me (they were both very upset that I left my ex-DH even though he was not a nice man to me because they both felt that "marriage is for life") they weren't willing to support me in any way.

AIBU to still be hurt by this, 15 years on?

How would you feel if they passed away and you'd never brought it up? Work backwards from that. Should you ask them now, or let go of it forever? Could one of your siblings who never had to pay it back ask for you?

They did you wrong. And kicked you when you were down.

They may claim it was their ‘principles’. But they let you down badly, you deserve much better.
My DDs are close to house buying. We will contribute. There is absolutely no circumstances that we would look to get the money back. In fact, if relationship failed we would up the support, not look to be repaid.

I’m so sorry you have been treated so badly by your DP.

Yes the reason you have to sign is because it actually is a gift. It isn't just something you do for the mortgage company and they can later decide it's a loan if you sell the house.

I can see why this still hurts. It's a betrayal. Unless you address it now with them, it will always hurt. The alternative is to forget it and focus on the good in your relationship with them and try to move forward. Otherwise, you are stuck and eventually they won't be around while you carry this hurt, which will then always be around.

You must address it either way... xx

What an appalling thing to do. I’m not surprised you still feel angry. Parents (and people in general) are driven by some strange principles sometimes. To them they probably rationalised it in a ‘We contribute to flat + flat being sold = we get money back’ kind of way and never thought too deeply about it. Which is really crap but possibly not meant as the attack that it made you feel at the time. They really should have contributed towards you next flat though.

Like others have said, can you bring it up? It’ll be hard to do but if you don’t you’ll feel resentful towards them forever.

My dm is very like this - and df generally doesn't get involved. My db died last year and there wasn't really time to make a detailed will so it was agreed he'd leave his estate to our parents who would see me right. They are in their 80s, in good health with good pensions - not fabulously well off but very comfortable and spend most of their time on holiday.
I am divorced but dm refuses to accept it - still sends me an anniversary card! I want to buy exdh out and get him finally out of the house. She is now being difficult, asking where will he live, if we're really divorced, even wanting to up his Christmas voucher (£50) so he can afford new shoes. I don't see why he got a gift anyway but he has chosen not to work. Dm says he's the father of my dc but only the youngest wants anything to do with him.
I have definitely spoiled dm's narrative of her perfect family. She thinks I have made my bed and should lie in it as to her marriage is for life.

I would totally do this. It's long past time to get it out in the open and let the chips fall where they may.

@unsurenow2025 You don't need to be mean about it, but you do deserve an answer. Not having it will always taint your feelings and maybe the answer will still taint them, but at least you know for sure, and they are called out on their hypocrisy.

Oh OP i can relate as similar happened to me. My parent gifted me a deposit for a house. Then when it was sold due to divorce they wanted the deposit back plus all of the profit. Nevermind I was the one who was paying the mortgage which wasn't an interest only one. I also paid for improvements which added value to the price. I ended up homeless with young children and had to go to court. My parent told me and anyone repeatedly that I stole money from them when the judge awarded us each the same amount.

You know it was unkind of them , your siblings have also said so and the majority of posters have said so too. I can understand you didn't raise it at the time being upset and blindsided Why didn't you ever mention it in the time that has passed? Clearly it's preyed on your mind as you've gone to post about it. You now don't want to raise it as they are old.

It was 15 years ago and since it still does bother you I'd mention it in person and see what they say. If you don't want to do this then you need to accept that it was a long time ago and get over it. There really isn't any point holding onto it if you have an opportunity to ask but are choosing not to.

Hi OP, I sense that you are confused and hurt by your parents mean spirited behaviour. I'm not surprised, my parents especially my mother was always very cold and emotionally unavailable to me. This is very much how she would behave.
There isn't anything you can do to make your parents behave better towards you. I expect you gave the money back because you wanted to please them. But it was at your own expense, quite literally.
As you have observed things are better now you have less involvement with them. That's exactly what worked for me. Some people are just dreadful human beings.
I read years ago that the Navajo people of North America have a concept that people who are destructive and do evil things are best avoided. The idea is that contact with them causes balance in your life to be lost. I havnt explained it very well. But there is definitely a choice I think, we can try to engage with toxic people to try to make them less toxic or to open their eyes, a pointless pass time, or we can avoid them. I was much happier to not see my parents.

They are not nice people. My mum would have given me her last penny and I feel the same towards my DC.

Sorry they did this. A gift is a gift, not fair of them to ask for it back & at a time when you were feeling very vulnerable too.

It sounds like you are being punished for ending a relationship. Utterly unfair and unkind. I'm sorry you've been treated so badly by your parents, they are totally in the wrong.

Bloody hell, there are some rubbish parents about. So sorry OP.

In your case I wouldn't bother confronting them now, they'll probably disinherit you if you do.

This ...100%!
I'd be really hurt too! I can't understand their logic considering they are your parents.

There must've been more to this!
Is it possible your ex had something to do with how they reacted? A gift is a gift in my eyes, to have to return it is unforgivable, unless it was an absolute necessity. Glad you're settled again now 💐

People do the strangest of things don’t they.

I always say, what we do for one child, we do of equal value for the others.

who do you suspect drove the decision to ask you for it back? Is one the financial controller and the other passive?

In my wife’s family, the help has been very uneven. One sibling went to private school, has been gifted a car, supported through uni, where another was made to pay back a small car loan and never helped financially even through maternity leaves, when the others were still living at home for free.

It caused resentment, especially when they were telling the wider family that “we don’t support “X” financially because we help (once a week at the time) with childcare.

They were actually justifying their unfair treatment to themselves by placing a cash value on having their only grandson for one day a week when they were both retired.

These are the kinds of people who have two homes, two cars, have inherited large sums early in life. And the wife never had to work. Large final salary pension, etc.

In my mind, some the worst people I know.

This is awful and I’m sorry for you op. I think I would need to ask them about it. It doesn’t have to be confrontational or angry, but you could question their reasons and if they knew how much you needed the money at the time. Even though they are old, they should know that you think about this and that it has changed the way you see them.

I think I would proceed with caution over asking why you were expected to give the gift back. Are they likely to cut you out of their will if they do for example?

They have been terribly tight but, as your sibs are sympathetic, once you all inherit, they might make sure the 20 is restored to you first before the divvi up.

Don't do anything that might make your parents cut you out. They are already making weird decisions regarding your financial situation. You might be wise to just leave all well alone.

Maybe they’ll leave proportionate amounts in their will when they pass on? Or if your siblings are they enraged they might gift it back when you all inherit?

Yeah I'd feel hurt too. That was really unkind

When they ask you for social care help just tell them to use the £20k they stole from you to pay for their own social care.

Why will you look after them?

It was 15 years ago, unless you’re going to tell your parents how you feel build a bridge and get over it.

Have they explained their reasoning?

I do think it was mean and I think I'd just be pleased you got it back out of the property again. I wouldn't ask for it back. I wouldn't give another deposit for a new relationship though.

I have spoken to siblings about it though and they agree it was unfair (they were all gifted the same money and have never been asked for it back).

Wow. I was on your side anyway, but this must really sting.