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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed I gave the money back

87 replies

unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 09:04

NC for this.

Inspired by a different thread- about 15 years ago, my parents kindly gifted me £20k to buy a property with me and my then partner. A proper gift, signed the relevant paperwork etc. About 5 years after that, my partner and I got married. About 5 years after that, we got divorced.

I moved out and my ex-DH sold the property, and gave me back the £20k I'd put in. My parents asked for the £20k back, so I gave it to them. So as not to drip feed- they are very comfortable, would even go as far as to say well off.

I subsequently had nothing to my name when I left the marriage, racked up a lot of debt getting back on my feet (which I am still paying off) but ultimately I am okay now.

It's never sat right with me that they essentially made me give a gift back, especially at a time when I was on the bones of my arse. The thing I think hurts the most is they were happy to contribute to my life when I was "doing it right" in their eyes ie settling down, buying a flat, getting married. It feels like the second I was no longer doing what they had in mind for me (they were both very upset that I left my ex-DH even though he was not a nice man to me because they both felt that "marriage is for life") they weren't willing to support me in any way.

AIBU to still be hurt by this, 15 years on?

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 16/02/2025 07:39

unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 09:04

NC for this.

Inspired by a different thread- about 15 years ago, my parents kindly gifted me £20k to buy a property with me and my then partner. A proper gift, signed the relevant paperwork etc. About 5 years after that, my partner and I got married. About 5 years after that, we got divorced.

I moved out and my ex-DH sold the property, and gave me back the £20k I'd put in. My parents asked for the £20k back, so I gave it to them. So as not to drip feed- they are very comfortable, would even go as far as to say well off.

I subsequently had nothing to my name when I left the marriage, racked up a lot of debt getting back on my feet (which I am still paying off) but ultimately I am okay now.

It's never sat right with me that they essentially made me give a gift back, especially at a time when I was on the bones of my arse. The thing I think hurts the most is they were happy to contribute to my life when I was "doing it right" in their eyes ie settling down, buying a flat, getting married. It feels like the second I was no longer doing what they had in mind for me (they were both very upset that I left my ex-DH even though he was not a nice man to me because they both felt that "marriage is for life") they weren't willing to support me in any way.

AIBU to still be hurt by this, 15 years on?

Conditional gifts aren’t gifts, they’re millstones. This is reprehensible behaviour from your parents, kicking you while you were down as, presumably, some ridiculous punishment for ending your unhappy marriage. Awful.

As a couple of others have said, I would be inclined to ask directly - it will eat at you otherwise. Someone said they might cut you out of the will, but based on their unequal treatment of you in comparison to your siblings are you even sure you’re in it in the first place?

My mother, who was my rock, died in December, and there are so many things I wish I’d asked her (mostly silly things, or family history stuff). I can’t imagine how you will feel if they pass away and you’ve never asked them why they did this.

ssd · 16/02/2025 09:08

I think op doesn't want to ask her parents why they did this as she's scared of the reply. There's only so much hurt a human being can take.

Op, i feel for you. This has gotten under your skin and it feels impossible to shift. I hope you can find a way to get through itFlowers

Horses7 · 16/02/2025 17:57

What a pair of absolute meanies!

TimeConsuming · 16/02/2025 18:10

I don’t understand why the £20K in a house was returned without interest or the increase in value from the property. Sounds like you are the only one to have ended up with nothing when both other parties should have made sure that didn’t happen.

If it was a gift, you didn’t need to return it.

Try telling your DPs that you lent it to them and would like it back.

cornflakecrunchie · 16/02/2025 19:33

Well done @unsurenow2025 for getting yourself back on track!
I don't know if I could have felt the same about them after that. I think you must be much more generous of spirit than I could have been.

PorridgeEater · 16/02/2025 20:19

1HappyTraveller · 15/02/2025 12:05

They were unreasonable to ask for it back. Unfortunately you were not in the right headspace and returned it. It is now 10 years down the line and is something that is playing on your mind still. It doesn’t sound like this resentment will go away any time soon. I would suggest talking to them about it, asking them why they did it and telling them how it made you feel. I hope you can eventually get some closure from this. I’m sorry that your parents weren’t more supportive.

"I have spoken to siblings about it though and they agree it was unfair (they were all gifted the same money and have never been asked for it back)."

It does seem unfair that you had to repay money when siblings did not - very wrong of parents not to treat people equally. Don't know if you would feel strong enough to ask them why - but entirely understandable if it creates a distance between you.
You will have to decide how to deal with them if they need your help when they are older.

Cactusmad · 16/02/2025 20:21

Have ur siblings not brought this up with your parents. Very controlling behaviour from them. Now they have shown you who they are believe them. You are much better off without them and there cash . Take care and focus on yourself

Original poster
unsurenow2025 · 16/02/2025 23:09

Oh wow I didn’t expect this to have so many replies thank you! I can’t answer everything but some points-

  • the property did not make a profit hence why I did not make a profit
  • my ex and I split “amicably” and had no assets bar the property and earned more or less the same (him about 10k more than me) so no real other assets to split or go after
  • due to the above we didn’t use solicitors to divorce, just did it ourselves as a no contest divorce
  • the money was legally a gift as per the letter they signed so saying it might have been a loan is moot, but even if they intended for it to be a loan in reality that was never once mentioned
  • I will look after them in later life because they are my parents
  • I don’t really intend to bring this up with them (as PP said I know the answer as to why- they supported my married life but not my divorced one- and I don’t want to hear it), I just wanted to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable to still be upset by it. Glad to know I’m not
  • I’m sorry that so many others have been through similar experiences ❤

This has been really helpful, thank you all

OP posts:
1HappyTraveller · 16/02/2025 23:12

unsurenow2025 · 16/02/2025 23:09

Oh wow I didn’t expect this to have so many replies thank you! I can’t answer everything but some points-

  • the property did not make a profit hence why I did not make a profit
  • my ex and I split “amicably” and had no assets bar the property and earned more or less the same (him about 10k more than me) so no real other assets to split or go after
  • due to the above we didn’t use solicitors to divorce, just did it ourselves as a no contest divorce
  • the money was legally a gift as per the letter they signed so saying it might have been a loan is moot, but even if they intended for it to be a loan in reality that was never once mentioned
  • I will look after them in later life because they are my parents
  • I don’t really intend to bring this up with them (as PP said I know the answer as to why- they supported my married life but not my divorced one- and I don’t want to hear it), I just wanted to try and figure out if I was being unreasonable to still be upset by it. Glad to know I’m not
  • I’m sorry that so many others have been through similar experiences ❤

This has been really helpful, thank you all

Edited

Best of luck moving forward with this @unsurenow2025 🪴

Nikki75 · 17/02/2025 09:27

You have a right to feel hurt and unsupported at a time when you needed love and support and also some financial help to start again as an independent person xx

sarah419 · 18/02/2025 10:20

My heart goes out to you. You have every right to be still upset over this. Is there any way you can bring it up /talk to them about it? Just so they are aware of the hurt they have caused. :(

SnoopysHoose · 18/02/2025 10:35

they were very supportive of my ex and didn't see my perspective at all.
I'm sorry but this is just awful, I'd have walked away from them at this point.

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