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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed I gave the money back

87 replies

unsurenow2025 · 12/02/2025 09:04

NC for this.

Inspired by a different thread- about 15 years ago, my parents kindly gifted me £20k to buy a property with me and my then partner. A proper gift, signed the relevant paperwork etc. About 5 years after that, my partner and I got married. About 5 years after that, we got divorced.

I moved out and my ex-DH sold the property, and gave me back the £20k I'd put in. My parents asked for the £20k back, so I gave it to them. So as not to drip feed- they are very comfortable, would even go as far as to say well off.

I subsequently had nothing to my name when I left the marriage, racked up a lot of debt getting back on my feet (which I am still paying off) but ultimately I am okay now.

It's never sat right with me that they essentially made me give a gift back, especially at a time when I was on the bones of my arse. The thing I think hurts the most is they were happy to contribute to my life when I was "doing it right" in their eyes ie settling down, buying a flat, getting married. It feels like the second I was no longer doing what they had in mind for me (they were both very upset that I left my ex-DH even though he was not a nice man to me because they both felt that "marriage is for life") they weren't willing to support me in any way.

AIBU to still be hurt by this, 15 years on?

OP posts:

sesquipedalian · 15/02/2025 08:56

When you got divorced and had to sell your flat, what did they expect you to do? Were they worried that, from their point of view, you would “fritter” the money? They had no right to ask for,the return of the gift; now you are settled with a new partner, this seemingly being importantly to them, do you think they would give it back to you? I’d ask - the worst they can say is “no”.

user1471538283 · 15/02/2025 08:58

I couldn't do this to my two. You needed the money more when you were on your own not less. I've always thought that my job is to shield or help my two because life is tough enough. My DF was the same. You don't ask for a gift back. And they didn't ask your siblings. And particularly when you couldn't think straight. They took advantage.

When your DPs need support the siblings who were allowed to keep the gifts can get on with it.

Cherrysoup · 15/02/2025 09:10

You gave it back when they asked. I’m appalled they asked, but as in the other thread, I’d have said no, it was a gift, properly signed over. Did they give a reason for wanting it back?

Pherian · 15/02/2025 09:11

I’m sorry they did that - what’s your relationship like with them now ?

Also why did you only accept £20k in your divorce.

Justgorgeous · 15/02/2025 09:16

Sorry to hear this, it’s a shitty thing to do to you, You are totally in the right.

talktalk66 · 15/02/2025 09:21

They blamed you for breaking up your marriage and punished you by taking away the gift they gave you. I know many people with this awful mindset unfortunately. Your siblings, i presume, haven't disappointed them by breaking up their relationships. People with this thinking won't change their views no matter how much, or who talks to them about it. They think they are right. They think that they have a right to be in control of how you live your life because you are their offspring and they own you. It's devastating for you on the receiving end because it makes no sense to you. make sure you don't do anything that will cause them to cut you out of their will, because it wont make you feel any better. if you trust your siblings, talk to them about it, they hopefully will give you back the money once your parents pass. Just look to your future life in your new relationship and be proud and enjoy that, knowing that you've done it on your own.

DazedorBemused · 15/02/2025 09:22

I had an AIBU thread running about handling my emotions and relationship with my parents relating to their possessions and the timeline.

In amongst the past was awful, let me tell you about interest rates or the war were some really good, perceptive posts.

My parents also loved the whole repetition of their lives. Get engaged like this, married like that, but a house, 24 months any sign of kids?

When DH & I stepped anywhere out of that it was seen as a.critism of them. Looking back it was very hurtful and sucked up a lot of my emotional energy. There was nothing wrong with our engagement (casual with tiny ring) or their's (Planned at a 'meaningful' spot). But every single marker was picked over or face pulled.

The liberating thing is, it never got better but the hold became less. After a couple of very weird things, like the 20k, I could no longer keep up the emotional pretence and eventually it was.like clocking in with a distant family friend.

I don't bitch but I don't cover for them. And their eventual deaths made me angry about the past but really quite 'meh' in the present. In contrast a friend is in pieces a year on about the death of her at times not very pleasant father. So there are a few positives.

I'd stick to moderate contact, healthy boundaries, read some threads to reassure yourself your not the only one. It's really helpful that your siblings acknowledge stuff, it was noted, your thoughts are valid

hideawayforever · 15/02/2025 09:43

It's like they were punishing you for getting divorced. Whatever the reason though it was an awful thing to do, especially as your siblings have also been gifted the same money without having to give it back.
I would have to bring it up with them and tell them how shitty it made you feel.

Glamiss · 15/02/2025 09:51

Fabulous, articulate post by @DazedorBemused .

Creating that emotional distance really does help. It's not only unkind of them but absolutely bizarre. Everyone needs a roof over their head, and as a single person you needed that £20k much more than you did as one of a couple.

It also sounds like you got shafted in the divorce. After 10 years of jointly owning the house and paying the mortgage, unless there was a huge debt problem you should have walked away with a lot more than the original £20k. You've done amazingly to move away and rebuild.

Cottonplease · 15/02/2025 09:56

I'd be tempted to ask if you can have it back to pay towards your current home. From you have said I'm wondering if they are quite traditional with an old fashioned view of marriage which they won't change now. That is something you'll just have to accept and agree to disagree on. I'd still ask as you've got nothing to lose. It's obviously bugging you. Seems unsupportive of them especially when you were so vulnerable.

FreeRider · 15/02/2025 10:09

When I was 24 my mother emotionally blackmailed me into spending all of my divorce settlement - £7K - into relocating her, my younger brother and myself back to Australia, from the UK.

I'd been suffering from severe depression since I was 17, and obviously, like yourself, wasn't in a fit state of mind to make any sort of major life decision. My mother had built up months of arrears on her rent and huge credit card debt, so she wanted to run away. Add in that I left my ex husband after only 3 years of marriage, which as a Catholic my mother really didn't approve of...she felt I 'owed' her for all the money my father had spent on my wedding ('wasted money' was her way of putting it. Charming). My father left her for another woman he'd been having an affair with for 6 months, less than a week after my wedding, while I was on honeymoon. To this day, I get the blame for that, too... I made him 'feel old' by marrying...he had just turned 42.

I got the money on the Wednesday, the following Wednesday we were flying back. She had me in the travel agents booking the tickets the morning after I got the money (back in the early 90s, no internet back then). She even got me to pay to have her furniture (all repo antique rubbish) shipped back!

All the money was gone within 2 weeks. I had a massive nervous breakdown less than 6 months later and tried to end my life...I realised I'd made a huge mistake less than 48 hours after arriving back. My brother moved back to the UK within a year, I followed him back 2 months later...I arrived back in the UK with less than £50 to my name and was homeless for a month.

30 odd years on, it's one of the things I will NEVER forgive my mother for. She took advantage of me at one of the worst times of my life. She knew I was ill, but she put herself first...like she had all my life. I'm now very low contact with her, I ring once a month on average and haven't actually seen her in 15 years now. Going low or no contact/physical distance is all I can recommend. I'm sorry you've been through this too.

Hatty123 · 15/02/2025 10:20

Pherian · 15/02/2025 09:11

I’m sorry they did that - what’s your relationship like with them now ?

Also why did you only accept £20k in your divorce.

There maybe wasn’t much money between the ex and her. And if he earned the same as her or less plus there was no equity in the house as she said earlier, it’s plausible that she didn’t “accept” less money in the divorce but that there wasn’t any there to begin with. Also divorce is an expensive process and I imagine a lot of money was eaten up in solicitor’s fees etc, then moving fees.

RubyRedBow · 15/02/2025 10:26

I would be hurt more so for the fact they took it back when times were so hard for you financially.

Hamletscigar · 15/02/2025 10:35

If I were you I’d ask them for it back and outline the reasons as you have done here. Say that you gave them a gift of money when you shouldn’t have. It was not theirs. They had already given you money and you had spent it. They didn’t seek it back from other siblings. They had no right to ask for it back. And , fighting fire with fire, you are now asking for your gift back, to make the point.
This will give them pause for thought and hopefully they’ll apologise. Who cares if they don’t? It’ll still stick in their craw

whatawonderfultime · 15/02/2025 10:37

I can't imagine still being annoyed about it 15 years later. Why do you think it's still on your mind?

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 15/02/2025 10:39

nodramaplz · 12/02/2025 09:32

They didn't MAKE you.
You done it.

Did you get your share of the profit of the sale.
Not including your 20k

*you did it

HoppityBun · 15/02/2025 10:40

whatawonderfultime · 15/02/2025 10:37

I can't imagine still being annoyed about it 15 years later. Why do you think it's still on your mind?

That just speaks to your lack of imagination, especially when the OP has explained what the consequences were for her. Read what @FreeRider described, too.

AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring · 15/02/2025 10:42

@unsurenow2025 Perhaps they wrongly assumed you'd be getting tens of thousands from the house sale?

Look, if you don't ask them about it now, you'll forever regret it once they're gone. It will eat away at you forevermore

TonTonMacoute · 15/02/2025 10:57

I'm sure you are annoyed, but all this shows is that you are a better person than they are.

As a parent I cannot imagine ever doing something so petty.

StormingNorman · 15/02/2025 11:00

Member984815 · 12/02/2025 09:27

But they signed paperwork legally it was a gift .

Show quote history

You have to do that for the mortgage company.

Mrsgreen100 · 15/02/2025 11:15

Tbh they are probably worried that you will lose it , if you and your new partner split
maybe they stashed it for you

ScribblingPixie · 15/02/2025 11:22

You're not being unreasonable. They disapproved of you ending your marriage and judged you, offering support to your ex. The money was used as a way for them to express their disapproval. That will always hurt, and their behaviour was wrong, but you've rebuilt your relationship with a new perspective, and I'd say keep moving forward and don't dwell on it.

1HappyTraveller · 15/02/2025 12:05

They were unreasonable to ask for it back. Unfortunately you were not in the right headspace and returned it. It is now 10 years down the line and is something that is playing on your mind still. It doesn’t sound like this resentment will go away any time soon. I would suggest talking to them about it, asking them why they did it and telling them how it made you feel. I hope you can eventually get some closure from this. I’m sorry that your parents weren’t more supportive.

lessglittermoremud · 15/02/2025 12:34

It sounds like they were disappointed in your breakup and decided they wanted the gift back because of this?
Seems the only conclusion to be drawn especially if they supported your ex, almost like they were punishing you for whatever had happened?
Totally unfair of them, but I guess the consolation is that you are now where you are without having to thank them for helping you.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/02/2025 12:55

As an older MNetter, with grown up.children, I think what your parents did was dreadful.

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