To wish more formal mourning rituals were still observed in society?

[Celia24]

I suppose this might have been class related (not sure) but the idea of wearing black for a period of time and everyone knowing it was due to a period of mourning.

With fresh bereavements in the past I’ve struggled with people being happy go lucky during periods of grief.

currently I told a manager I am on leave for the week and she replied ‘oh nice, I’m on holiday soon too.’ This manager has been piling the work on too and I dread her asking how my holiday was when I return or expecting me to be rejuvenated. Not just her, but others who see leave=holiday. I don’t need everyone to know my business but there’s no way I’d be replying ‘good thanks!’ either.

If you don't want the 'have a great time' comments, say why you are taking annual leave
If it's your wish to take a week to observe mourning rituals, and you feel that society should do the same just because that's how you feel, why is it such a big personal secret?

Well, nothing’s stopping you from wearing black if you want to.

@ThinWomansBrain honestly I didn’t correct her because I thought it would be awkward to shoehorn in and would shut down the conversation in a meeting with two other people. Many people are uncomfortable when it comes to death:

it’s why if someone asks how you’re doing usually you won’t reply with the truth even if not so good, because let’s face it, most people would rather hear ‘Fine thanks.

Not wanting everyone to know your business, but dressing in black so they know your business is a bit weird.

Personally I'd tell her that you've had a bereavement, and give the woman a chance to be gentle with you.

Yes, but no one will think anything of it. They won’t think ‘she’s going through bereavement’ and be mindful of it.

that tradition is gone and it must’ve existed for good reason. It’s just something I was contemplating and wondered if anyone else felt similar sometimes.

So unless you don’t wear black and expect everyone around you to magically know your holiday leave is actually a funeral, then you must be lower class?

If you want to wear black, do so, I would also be open about why I will not be there next week

unless you tell people they can’t guess so don’t be expecting them not to ask how your holiday went

I agree with you OP. There are religions that have ceremonies after a certain amount of time passes too, I think that's better than the approach of funeral and then "back to normal".

@MySparklyGreyScroller im referring to the past, not modern times

Or just tell them you're going on bereavement leave?

Grief is so personal that I don't think rules or rituals really work. As much as something to notify 'this person is in mourning' might be helpful for you, I'd have hated it when it was me. I ended up working on a completely new project a few weeks after losing my mum, mostly with people I didn't know, and for me it was perfect that they had no idea that I was freshly grieving. The normality really helped me.

Yes, I suppose this is what I’m really getting at.

im half Irish so I have also been to wakes. I had to observe the deceased’s bedside for several days ahead of the funeral. When I tell people here in the UK they think it sounds weird but it is normal in some cultures. I feel like grief is a hidden thing in our modern world.

I am sorry for your loss.

I do feel, however, that our society is better served by being more open about bereavement, rather than hiding behind symbols of grief.

Do you want a list of past traditions and why we don’t do it anymore? I can think of around 10 off the top of my head that’s only been stopped since the 70’s

I'm sorry for your loss but to be fair to your manager for most people annual leave does mean holiday, or at least a rest. Kathryn Mannix writes about 'tender conversations' in Listen. By tender she means that there is pain just below the surface. So if you know someone's tummy is feeling 'tender' you touch it carefully so as not to cause unnecessary pain - same with grief. But how are people supposed to know what hurts if we don't tell them? There's nothing wrong with saying ''I'm on leave next week as I've recently lost my xx".

So what’s the problem now?

This is peak MN. I’m not going to tell anyone anything about my life it’s nothing to do with them. However they are expected to know exactly how I feel and act accordingly.
Im sorry you are in mourning but unless people know how can they be gentle and respectful of the difficult time you are going through?

@MasterBeth thank you.

I don’t agree that having rituals means hiding. Also in modern life you have the funeral than people disappear often. I’m not sure what you mean about being open but as a society I don’t think we are.

It sounds like you're the one who's uncomfortable with death, seeing as you kept quiet about it. I think most people would think 'on leave' means 'on holiday from work'. If you said it was for a funeral or after a bereavement, people would probably be considerate. And personally I couldn't care less what people wear. When my parents died, what colour my clothes were was the last thing on my mind.

Sorry for your loss op.

I think ultimately death is a part of life. I imagine there's an element of the mourning dress that allowed people to know someone was bereaved without the actual interaction. But I'm not sure that's as helpful as it might look on the surface. I think it's an easy way to get people to give you a wide berth if they are uncomfortable with death and honestly I think that could get quite isolating. It also establishes the idea that grief has a beginning and an end period which it doesn't- its something you just gradually grow around. And I think it creates the idea that there's a 'proper' way to grieve, when it's actually very individual.

I understand being private and feeling uncomfortable talking about death but I think there are ways to broach the subject without it being so and most people would want to know so they can be supportive because they can empathise. Your worries about how others might feel / the conversation aren't really yours to take on - that's their issue if they aren't comfortable with something we all inevitably go through. Plus I think sometimes we can project our own discomfort on to others.

And for those jumping on the class issue - to me it makes sense. It would have been much harder for someone who was from a less well off background to have been able to access 'mourning clothes' so you're correct in thinking there is a class element to that practice.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I get where you’re coming from - when my DH died I had to get on with life, go back to work etc but also didn’t feel my normal self. I sort of wanted a sign, like a black armband or something, to indicate why. I frequently wear black anyway so that wouldn’t have worked!

Dh is Hindu, observing the weeks of religious rituals that followed his mums death was awful for him, and extremely distressing. He mostly did it all for his dad.

I don’t think grief is a hidden thing in our modern world. It’s surely just a personal thing. Lots of people don’t feel it helpful to wallow and spend weeks in mourning. If you do, that’s also fine.

If you don’t want to tell people why you’re having a week off, there’s no problem with that but you can’t expect them to be mind-readers either. Just let them ask when you get back about your break and say it was for a bereavement. I’m sure they will offer their condolences and leave you to grieve in peace with nothing further mentioned.

I think you just need to say you’ve been on bereavement leave. (If the object is for people to know) Otherwise no amount of wearing black would help.. black is a very common work colour.

You can’t blame people for not being all over your life. A colleague was recently off for medical treatment and on return met with ‘how was your holiday!’

you can’t help it. People mean well.