To wish more formal mourning rituals were still observed in society?

[Celia24]

I suppose this might have been class related (not sure) but the idea of wearing black for a period of time and everyone knowing it was due to a period of mourning.

With fresh bereavements in the past I’ve struggled with people being happy go lucky during periods of grief.

currently I told a manager I am on leave for the week and she replied ‘oh nice, I’m on holiday soon too.’ This manager has been piling the work on too and I dread her asking how my holiday was when I return or expecting me to be rejuvenated. Not just her, but others who see leave=holiday. I don’t need everyone to know my business but there’s no way I’d be replying ‘good thanks!’ either.

I think part of my struggle is that the funeral has been a month’s wait in the UK. I don’t feel like I am able to properly grieve now, just that I’m waiting.

I prefer the Irish way, you spend a good amount of time with the relative so to speak and everyone gathers round with their stories. You don’t have to stress about feeding yourself and all that because in my experience people band together and bring/share food. I haven’t been eating properly. Then the burial happens quickly.

thankfully my partner who has been away will be back tomorrow so I should feel less alone and he can help some.

As sad as it may be for you, to the general public who don't know you or whoever you are grieving for, that death is nothing to do with them and isn't something they should be sort of forced to acknowledge. In reality most of us go through life with all sorts of worries and issues every day and don't have the emotional capacity to be drawn into a person they don't know's grief.

Is that because it’s what is actually good for us or because in modern society we don’t know any different?

I’ve done the just getting on with it thing a couple of times now and I think the grief has caught up with me later. I think we have these rituals to process grief and I question how much processing happens without it, or with a one off at the church or crematorium/after event, than back to life.

Op I have no idea why you’re getting such a hard time. I agree some OPTIONAL symbols of bereavement which are widely understood in society would be very helpful to some people who are bereaved. A bit like the ‘baby on board’ badges for the tube. A few years ago we lost a dear friend by suicide. I didn’t want to regurgitate the story or news for everyone I met, but I’d have welcomed something which was a symbol of ‘go easy on this person they’re delicate’.

I don't think modern society has changed that much really. How many employers would give their workers much more than a week after a death of eg a parent even 50 years ago where death was treated a bit more reverently.

People grieve in different ways. After my DH died, I only wanted to watch comedies on tv and read happy things, because smiling does trick the brain into releasing dopamine. I could easily have been one of those laughing and judged by the OP. It didn't make my grief any less.

On my return to work my colleagues were wonderful. I had dreaded seeing them but they were so caring and never even commented when I became tearful at times. I also got lots of hugs, which were unexpectedly comforting.

We need to be open about grief and people can choose their level of privacy. No single way fits all.

Hi OP - I'm in almost entirely the same boat as you, including the 1 month wait. Sending you best wishes. It's so hard.

I understand where you're coming from - many times I've wished I could have an outward symbol on an item of clothing or similar that explains I'm a bit fragile at the moment and not just nuts if I'm caught off guard and teary. So many normal everyday things can become challenging.

I think people are getting hungup on the work thing from your first post - I understand what you mean there too, I think. It's easy to trip over yourself because you don't want to bring your personal life into your work life and there is no easy way to make it clear that you're grieving without having to go into details as you can't just turn up with a socially accepted symbol of circumstance anymore. It's exhausting having to keep verbally explaining.

I totally agree OP. I lost my mum in 2024 and I didn't want to tell my work colleagues the reasons I was taking time off eg trip to sort through my mum's things.

I would have liked a visible indicator eg black armband to give colleagues a visual cue that I am grieving and feeling fragile. If we had established codes or traditions like that, then colleagues etc would know not to say 'nice holiday?' after a period of leave.

I'm now much more sensitive when others take time off. Maybe the leave is for grieving, or an operation, or other personal reasons.

One size does not fit all

I preferred to carry on as normal, grieving in quiet, private moments.

Yes, I did have a moment of breakdown and harsh crying. But then I carried on and it works for me

Maybe what society needs to do is move away from assuming any leave from work is a holiday?

It could have been for any reason including grief, illness, caring for a loved one, mental health break...

@Celia24

'I stand by that our society isn’t set up for it here'

I'm sorry but this is absolute rubbish!

My family has experienced a lot of grief and here are the things we've done/do

We honour the anniversary of loved ones death with either a mass or a get together and toast with immediate family. Eg my grandfathers 90th birthday was NYE and we purposely got together for this

We have a bench with a plaque in my FILs favourite park and we visit frequently as well as meet there on his anniversary

My DH wears his Fathers watch on special occasions and always on Father's Day

We also keep a lone can of his favourite tipple in our fridge, so we've 'always got a drink in'

At our wedding, I had flowers which were reflective of my grandmother's names (rose and daisy) and my dressmaker sewed pearls from my grandmothers favourite blouse into my dress. We had remembrance candles in the church for those not with us.

I've planted an off cut of hydrangeas from my loved one's garden in mine. They bloom every year and I cut them and bring them inside and some go to her graveside.

All of these things are our own family rituals. No one needs to know. Grieve however you want to but it doesn't need to be an outward symbol to the rest of the world.

Your post is contradictory. I can't make out whether you want others to know or you don't but it seems like you need to talk someone about your grief. It's like you want to prove that you've not forgotten them and you really don't need to!

Assuming leave means holiday is hardly the crime of the century. But equally you should either explain it's for bereavement or if that's private then accept they assume something positive. It would be bizarre if the default assumption when someone took leave was that somebody had passed away?
I do still feel shell shocked that not one person ever asked me if I was ok or how I was feeling after my dad died when I was 13. So it's a difficult time. And lots of people simply don't know what to say.
But in your case it was more they just didn't know.

I understand how many people found these sort of observance (e.g.wearing 'mourning', not doing certain activities etc) restrictive and that's why as a society we don't do them any more, but I agree OP. When I have lost people in the past, I would have welcomed being able to wear mourning, have an arm band, something that would have been universally understood as a sign they were gone.

I appreciate PP have said there isn't one way to grieve, and they have come up with lots of lovely and meaningful ways to commemorate loved ones - at the time I didn't feel capable of this and would have really welcomed a standard 'this I what you do at this time' plan to follow, just like wearing uniform at work removes me having to think about how to dress and look in a professional way, wearing mourning feels like it would have helped me.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, that time of waiting for the funeral is so hard

In our town the home of the bereaved kept their blinds shut until after the funeral and (as most funerals corteges left from the house), neighbours were expected to close theirs as the hearse went past (70s)

A woman at my mother's work wore black for a couple of weeks, then grey, then purple until she went back to wearing normal clothes around 6 weeks after the bereavement.

I still dress smarly and in black for a funeral unless it states otherwise but a lot of people don't nowadays.

I am probably in a minority these days but I prefer it old style. for my mil funeral I wore a black dress and was probably the only one who did.
the wearing of a hat is nice but again no one does.
when I was younger the curtains were drawn in the house before leaving and often neighbours would do the same as a mark of respect.
I cannot get used to people turning up at funerals in football shirts and the like. someone did at my cousins funeral and he did not like football so certainly had not asked for it as a form of dress.

@ARealitycheck

I was just about to say the same. Why should strangers have to acknowledge such a personal thing that isn't their business?

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP, but come on!
I lost my dad the year before last. My grief was my own and I grieved in private. I didn't want the world to know, why would I, he wasn't their dad?
Surely it's about the person who's died, not the person/people left behind to be wandering around signposting themselves as the bereft?! All seems a bit attention seeking and "look at me, I'm suffering"! Quite bizarre!
I just don't see the harm in just letting people who you want to know, know! Surely it draws more attention if they ask about your leave when you're back and you say it was for a bereavement!
I really don't understand why anyone would want to go back to Victorian times, there's a reason we moved on!

This is a very nice idea! In Spain they also have day of the dead, a ritual to think of passed loved ones each year.

As we do in the UK - well, in England at least, I'm not sure about the other home countries. All Hallows Eve, the day before All Saints Day.
Many Churches hold services and specifically invite people they know have been bereaved in the last 12months.

I agree some OPTIONAL symbols of bereavement which are widely understood in society would be very helpful to some people who are bereaved

We have these already - black armbands.
Not that many people tend to wear them, as people choose not to, but if you saw anyone wearing one you'd know they were mourning.

Wearing black mourning clothes for a period of time was a way of controlling women

Actually, All Soul's Day is Nov 2nd, All Hallows Eve is Halloween

Lots of churches will do memorial services around this time and indeed at other times in the year like Christmas

But surely openness is everyone’s responsibility, and has to start with the individual affected. If you weren’t open about the fact you were taking time off for a funeral / grieving, how were they expected to know and to talk about it appropriately? I know when my husband died, suddenly, I talked about it, why wouldn’t I, and everyone was supportive. I’m unclear what exactly you’re expecting?

Now, if we want to talk about how long people remain supportive for, that’s another matter. And the fact that those you wouldn’t expect to go the extra mile for as long as it takes are often those who do, and vice versa. But I found everyone to be perfectly appropriate in the moment - I was in my forties when he died, if that’s relevant because maybe it’s generational?

It sounds awful to me. I'm more of the just get on with life brigade. I live in a country where funerals are held just days after the death, which I much prefer to the long drawn out time you seem to have in the UK, and people here haven't worn black to funerals for many, many, years. I don't need people to know I am mourning and I don't want any special treatment. When my DF died I only had one day off work afterwards (I had spent a week at the hospital with him prior to that), and when his partner died a few years ago he went off to a meeting as usual two days later. Funerals here are generally a celebration of the person's life, which is how they should be.

No, I think UK mainstream culture is shit at dealing with death, very covert, uneasy and weirdly embarrassed, as though death is some embarrassing ailment that only happens to an unfortunate minority and shouldn’t be mentioned. Like piles. I was shocked to find myself the only person condoling with a colleague who’d just returned after his mother’s funeral, and when a friend of a neighbour I’d only met a couple of times (but the neighbour had told me she’d lost her father) told me I was one of the only people who’d approached her on the street to say they were sorry. I’m not particularly nice or empathetic, and I certainly wasn’t saying anything original or particularly comforting, but at least I wasn’t crossing the road to avoid her, as she said had happened.

Bereavement happens to everyone. It shouldn’t be treated like some unspeakable curse.

Sorry for your loss, OP. If anyone’s read Becky Chambers’ Wayfarers books (set in the distant future, in space, after humans had to leave earth), religion has died off, humans are living mostly on giant orbiting spaceships and the dead are ritually composted, but anyone bereaved wears a strip of white cloth tied around one arm for a specified period so that people can cut them some slack/let them alone/whatever.

This recently happened to me and to avoid any annoying questions about how my 'holiday' was, I told people I was on 'compassionate leave'- generally did the trick with no awkward questions and people being respectful without follow up questions

Too true. It doesn't need overt symbolism to display you have have had a close death. Nor should we feel embarassed to approach a person with just a quiet 'thinking of you'. As you say it is the one thing guaranteed to all of us.