To wish more formal mourning rituals were still observed in society?

[Celia24]

I suppose this might have been class related (not sure) but the idea of wearing black for a period of time and everyone knowing it was due to a period of mourning.

With fresh bereavements in the past I’ve struggled with people being happy go lucky during periods of grief.

currently I told a manager I am on leave for the week and she replied ‘oh nice, I’m on holiday soon too.’ This manager has been piling the work on too and I dread her asking how my holiday was when I return or expecting me to be rejuvenated. Not just her, but others who see leave=holiday. I don’t need everyone to know my business but there’s no way I’d be replying ‘good thanks!’ either.

I'm glad that silly tradition of wearing black for a certain period of time has been left in the past.

It was nearly always women who were expected to do it, and woe betide them if someone saw them laughing with a neighbour in the street, or if they wanted a break to go to the pub or the bingo before the 'black clothes period' was over.

Not everyone finds death awkward OP, so if someone asks how your annual leave was you don't have to say 'fine'.

But you know as well as I do that if you say it was shit, that's going to invite the question why.

Your call.

I’m sorry for your loss.

this is what I mean - a sort of indicator. Not something everyone would need to do/use but to know the option was there and people would understand what it meant.

I'm sorry for your loss.

From your post it sounds like you'd prefer a socially observed sign of loss or grief rather than explaining yourself or entering into the conversation. It makes complete sense when you don't want to correct people on their assumptions of your leave but also don't want/feel up to explaining the need for leave. It forgoes the social niceties or awkwardness for both parties.

I do understand, OP. I remember being on a plane flying to my mother's funeral, and everyone was so jovial around me (a group going somewhere fun). I did end up chatting to the woman next to me, and while I didn't want to make her feel sad, I somehow felt like I wish they knew I wasn't going on a fun holiday as well.

This is a difficult one. It sounds like your question comes from wanting people to know you're grieving, without having to explain yourself?

Even if this was the 1900s the only way of doing this was wearing black or an armband as suggested. Today people wear black so this wouldn't work.

I suggest that you tell you manger and ask them to share it with the team, as well as the fact that you don't want to share personal details. The worst that will happen is that people will sympathise and maybe offer condolences........this would also happen if you had an outward symbol so you're no better off.

Better telling one person than lots.

I think that a black sleeve was a good indicator to strangers that someone is grieving and to be gentle with them. I agree it's a shame that the custom ended.

No one is mind reader OP.

You can't expect people to be understanding of your situation and make allowances, whilst also not informing them of your situation so they can make allowances.

It's like expecting people to spot that you're unwell and expecting them to treat you as being unwell.... They won't spot it.

People, in general, just don't care about other people's turmoil unless it affects them.

You should tell people. Especially colleagues and managers.

Wearing black for mourning should be banished
Thankfully more and more people are celebrating a person's life with colour.

I don't understand how you can talk about grief being hidden and you wish it were more open when you had every opportunity to say you were taking time off for a bereavement. And not only did you not do that, you didn't correct people who assumed your leave was for something else.

So you don't want to correct someone on it in a private conversation but you want to project it to random strangers in the world?

I think this is exactly the point OP is making, that in the past, our society was very clear about the ‘rules’ for signalling your grief. So if someone sees you crying in a shop, it’s obvious if you’re wearing black and in a veil why you’re a bit upset. You don’t have to struggle to get the words out every time. People know. Can be careful with you, without being asked. For at least a limited time.

I’ve often thought this, OP! And I’m sorry, I hope it gets easier for you soon.

I completely agree with this.

Since we will all die one day, it should be normalised imo. Not saying one has to go into it with colleagues (I wouldn't want to with most colleagues either) but I'd just say a quick "Actually, it's for bereavement" rather than let someone believe I'm going on holiday, so that they can be sensitive and tactful about this upon my return etc.

I am very sorry for your loss.

I would hate an open coffin and I’m very pleased it’s not the done thing here anymore as if takes away the choice not to view the deceased as well.

I do agree people are awkward around death though as they don’t know what to say.

I feel like grief is a hidden thing in our modern world.

Well, it isn't in my world, yet you have just said that you have booked AL rather than asking for compassionate leave (and employers vary on that) , but mainly, when you had the chance to say to someone "Oh, I'm not going away on holiday, I'm taking some leave to deal with a bereavement", you didn't.

You need to make your mind up if you think it is good more people around you are aware, or not.

Plus "wearing black" isn't an indicator as many people wear black a lot. Indeed I can think of one friend who I have never seen wearing anything but black in the 23 years I have known her.

You'd need an armband or something if you wanted to wear a public 'badge'.

With grief mourning or anything else, you do you. As previous posters have said, death is the one thing we can guarantee will happen to all of us. I'd rather friends and family had a few drinks and a laugh about nice things they remember, rather than wear black and be frightened to smile for a set period.

I will wear a daffodil on my gran's anniversary (she was Welsh). Some will think it's morbid as she died over a year ago now but I don't care. I never wore black as she hated it (we requested a no black funeral) but that is personal choice.

Most people I know let their friends and colleagues know if they have a close bereavement. Not sure we should expect people we do not know to be able to deal with a person crying in shops etc.

Just a question about your username though, are you a barenakedladies fan?

@CarpetKnees I have taken compassionate leave. That doesn’t mean everyone at the company is aware.

maybe I should have said something in the moment yes. It’s a hard time so not all my responses are perfect currently.

I'll tell you what's 'peak MN' - immediate insensitive attacks on a poster who has recently had a loved one die.

I understand what you mean OP. You're not BU to wish that we as a society dealt with death and bereavement better.

This is a very nice idea! In Spain they also have day of the dead, a ritual to think of passed loved ones each year.

in Ireland we had a mass a year anniversary after my relative died. I think it’s nice to be able to say, hey I’m still grieving. I stand by that our society isn’t set up for it here.

I have pondered this very issue. I wished for a black armband in public places, like the line for security at the airport when flying because a loved one has died. Somehow I fervently believed it would signal my fragility. I'm sure to most people now it would not, but in my mind I wished for it.

I'm so sorry, OP. Loss is so hard. We need grace but often can't talk about it.

I'm Irish and in Ireland and we just buried my aunt yesterday. The wake was Sunday evening and sitting with my father (it was his sisters funeral) we watched people chatting, hugging and yes, even laughing. Of course there were tears also but my father who is in his 80's said to me 'it's so much better this way, no one has to wear the band (black armband) and be mournful for weeks like the old days. When my mother passed away the wake was at home, well over a hundred people crammed in, there was food being handed around to everyone, neighbours, friends, family etc all integrated and told stories about my mother, it was a sad time but also a time I felt incredibly supported, I would not have wanted to carry an outward sign that people had to be 'different/weary/sad' around me in the time afterwards.

That sounds a much nicer way of treating a life well lived imo.

YANBU - I agree that observing mourning rituals would be helpful to the person mourning . It is an outward sign of what is going on inside - everyone now understands that there are differed stages of grief, and wearing appropriate clothes I think would help the grieving process. When my mother passed away, I remember thinking how I would have liked to express my grief and mourning in a way that society could acknowledge.

I wouldn't say grief is hidden. In fact, with SM, it's very open. People post on FB when a family member dies, sharing pictures and a message of grief and it allows others to come and share that grief too.

We also don't all want pussyfooting around after a bereavement. Some of us just want to continue with life

that is lovely.
On the anniversary of gran’s death our vicar took me into the chapel and we lit a candle and prayed for her. It meant the world to me as none of the family sent me a message that day.