AIBU or my ex? Child maintenance

[MoneyWoe]

Me and my ex share our child equally, half the time each. He pays for some things, like our child’s weekly swimming sessions, I pay for others, like dinner money. So this part is equal but I would say I do most of the organising for things. Example, I will organise our child’s school trips like filling in the forms and he will give me half the money. This has worked but recently I have got fed up of having to message him asking for half of the money for things all the time, so I put in an application for child maintenance. I didn’t realise this at the time but he is on a very large salary and the money it says he owes is hundreds a month, way more than when he was just paying half of things. He is saying he is going to argue this with them as we share our child equally, and according to him, in these sorts of equal cases he doesn’t need to pay any maintenance. He said he will take it to court if he has to. He’s also said I might have to pay any money back if the child maintenance service agrees with him.

AIBU to expect him to pay the maintenance and is he correct in that he won’t need to pay any maintenance in our situation?

Sge can salvage things

If you work it out yearly and you have the child for a few more days/ take them to more appointments etc then you would be owed money. If it is entirely equal then you would not.

and if there is a big differential between incomes?

If a partner in a together couple only wanted to pay half of child related costs rather than a percentage based on income, there would be cries of LTB. Funny how that doesn't work when couples are split.

Agreed. I have full 100% custody of my children and after 4 years without physical help/care or a single penny offered I requested just £5 a week for our shared 2 DC. He insisted he couldn’t afford it. I went for CMS and now receive £250 a month. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since it was granted, but my kids have a better and more comfortable life.

Neither my ex or I are high earners like OP and hers. The fact her ex is offering 200 alongside 50/50 custody is very good of him. To be pushing for 400 by arguing you do more care (you do not, online forms do not count when the other parent has physical custody an equal 50% of the time) is incredibly greedy.

Well done, you've destroyed any semblance of amicable co-parenting.

Theu have a week on/ off each .

I don't understand why a parent wouldn't want their child to have more comfort than what

OP'S take home is around 4k, her ex around 6k (basic pre pension etc).
We don't know outgoings. OP could be mortgage free whilst her ex may have a mortgage for example. Sounds like both do ok financially and the child has plenty comfort, it's not like OP is on minimum wage.
Ex could whack a load of his income into a pension and be due nothing as CMS payments are based on income after pension contributions.
You really have shot yourself in the foot here OP.

So have you actually gone to CMS and they have sought his income from him and calculated it for him? Or is this just off their website?

If they've done the calculation then I'd leave it as is now. Maybe put that money in a separate account for your kid and use it for all those expenses and save for bigger trips as he gets older.

I think you've probably given yourself a whole new headache but if he leaves the grunt work to you and you have to chase him for money then I get that.

If this is similar to the figure he is disputing then he is an arsehole of he takes it to court. Earns six figures, twice the OP, and won't give his ex 400 pounds a month to do the majority of organising and smoothing out his life with his child?!

He'll probably stop paying for extras but tbh those probably don't come to 400 so it means OP will have an easier time paying for things. I think you did the right thing OP. Men need to pay for their children, end of.

Why? Do you think the ex is simply going to stop parenting his child well because the OP had the temerity to ask for money she thought she might be due?

Wow OP you are exceptionally greedy. I hope your ex is getting legal advice (or simply Googling) because you’re not entitled to anything.

Maybe he would like to take on all the mental load, deal with the school, chase you for half of amounts etc instead.

If he truly wants things to be equal he shouldn’t have problem taking a turn of this for a few years!

Op can clarify but I’d be pretty certain she’s just looked at the online calculator and asked him for that. There’s no way cms would actually calculate anything as payable for 50:50 shared care with salaries that the op has put.

however the online calculation does not work for 50:50 so she is not due the money!

You are one of the lucky ones. You have an ex who takes responsibility for his child, shares custody and wants to actually spend time with them, pays his way, pays for things and you have now rocked the boat for the sake of what?

Surely two parents co-parenting successfully is better for your child than dragging each other through courts and a bit of extra cash in your account.

He’s refused to pay so the child maintenance service have said they are forcibly taking it from his wages. He is saying it is equal so no maintenance is due and that this means he can use the processes to take me to court over it.

So have you actually put in an application to CMS? And if so then did you state you have 50/50 care?

If you actually have done both those things and the CMS says he owes you money then fair enough.

I’ve put in 50% shared but I’ve not heard of this equal care thing which is what he’s talking about I think as another poster said.

He’s said it’s equal care so he doesn’t owe anything but I’ve said it’s shared overnights to the child maintenance service.

If there's a very big differential in earnings such as if one parent earns over £156K then you can apply to court for an adjustment.

Comparing what might happen in a couple who are together and complaining that things aren't the same when they split is irrelevant. There are a million things that change when parents split up and do 50:50. Allocation of money is just one of them.

I've been the high-earning parent voluntarily paying maintenance in a 50:50 shared care situation and I've also been the parent in receipt of child maintenance in a 100% sole parenting situation. Child maintenance law is a very blunt instrument and cannot take into account every circumstance. It sucks but that's the way it is.

I think you sound awfully greedy. I wouldn’t embarrass myself.

So everything is 50/50, you're in the process of screwing yourself, majorly!

Greedy? 🤣 Ruining the co parenting relationship? 🤣

OP, if that's what child maintenance rules is payable, then of course you should collect it. He's not some saint who should be worshipped and tiptoed around because he parents every second week. Yeah some deadbeats do less but that shouldn't factor into your life.

I feel like I must be missing so many letters in my kid’s school bags every time I hear about people on MN moaning about the “admin”. You would swear it’s a full-time job-it takes 2 minutes.

It’s quite distasteful that you are willing to ruin your co parenting relationship with your ex because you are pissed off at having to fill out a couple of forms. You can still salvage this- sit down and chat with him and agree a way to pay for the extra things your child needs every month- perhaps you could use revolute or something or agree a kitty.

I suspect you doing the 'admin' for your child is best. What if he agreed to do 'his share' and approved a school trip you didn't want or if he arranged riding every Saturday. Surely it really takes both of you to sort things out and best if one does it. If you don't want to do the basics let him, just don't get pissed of if it isn't done your way, just leave him to it and if it isn't what you'd normally do then suck it up.

Seems like both of you are on salaries that most of the UK outside mumsnet would think of as pretty good. So is this more about annoyance than cash.

You're doing 50:50. I'd take the offer of £250 pm and keep things sweet.

They won't be if you end up in court.