AIBU or my ex? Child maintenance

[MoneyWoe]

Me and my ex share our child equally, half the time each. He pays for some things, like our child’s weekly swimming sessions, I pay for others, like dinner money. So this part is equal but I would say I do most of the organising for things. Example, I will organise our child’s school trips like filling in the forms and he will give me half the money. This has worked but recently I have got fed up of having to message him asking for half of the money for things all the time, so I put in an application for child maintenance. I didn’t realise this at the time but he is on a very large salary and the money it says he owes is hundreds a month, way more than when he was just paying half of things. He is saying he is going to argue this with them as we share our child equally, and according to him, in these sorts of equal cases he doesn’t need to pay any maintenance. He said he will take it to court if he has to. He’s also said I might have to pay any money back if the child maintenance service agrees with him.

AIBU to expect him to pay the maintenance and is he correct in that he won’t need to pay any maintenance in our situation?

Are you going to be paying him the £61 a week the CMS calculator says you owe him?

I’d put any money you receive into a separate account OP, because once this goes to court you may well be liable to pay it back.

CMS are usually crap for the receiving parent, here’s a rare example of them being crap for the sending parent. But it’s all very clear on their website that no money is due when overnights are 50/50 and salary is under £156k.

If you have 50/50 care he does not owe you a penny and you should sort it amongst yourselves to do half the trips and clothes each. Shame on you for being so petty that you brought the cild support people in? What's wrong with you!

1,000%

I just cannot understand why you would detonate a perfectly functional relationship and go to court with all the stress and hassle involved, only to be told to piss off (and they will) - and for your ex to hold it against you for life. It's just mad. He paid half. You paid half. It does not matter what he earns

Yes there was better ways to do this ie. Setting up a children's saving account & agreeing to deposit a certain amount however often BUT it's done now & it looks like you'll be dragged along for sometime over it so try & build up support & maybe speak to a solicitor in the meantime

My ex and.i equally co parent, exactly 50:50. We pick up the kids from school on Friday or from each other during school holidays. You need to advise the school to send you both all communication, on my week I deal with it, on his he does. Friends parties etc we just let each other know.

When we first split I considered asking for maintenance as he earned more than I did (not a huge amount but more, very much like yours OP), he was an arse and said he would hide his income and I would end up paying him...I know he totally would of done this! In the end though I didn't want his money. I'm so glad my pride, and yes fear, stopped me. He hasn't worked in almost a year, has lived off his mother's help and savings. The thought that I could now be supporting him makes me sick!

Our kids have a great life with both of us, they have never missed out, if anything have been better off. Be careful what you are asking for OP.

CMS have agreed to take £99 a week forcibly from his wages knowing that you and he have equal numbers of overnights?

I don’t understand why you are mithering about equal care, shared care etc. CMS has a definition (which is based on numbers of nights because anything else is subjective)

You don't think there's any value in having a good co-parenting relationship? I've had both good and bad. The good was easily worth a couple of hundred quid a month.

Really? The cms have actually formally said that he’s due to pay the 99 per week despite care being 50:50? In writing?

or did you tel the cms it was less than 50:50?

apologies op but I’m struggling to believe this. Nothing is due, the website is clear on this (ignore the calculator it doesn’t work), the rules are clear on this and if (when) he challenges it and it goes to court it will be decided nothing is due.

Oh absolutely I do @HowardTJMoon of course. I just don't like when that is dependant on and only happens because one parent (usually the woman) has to walk on eggshells trying to appease her ex. There's no harm in checking if there is any child maintenance owed. And a decent parent would then follow the law and pay accordingly, in order to support their child.

I'm usually on the mum's side in CMS threads because the amount the dad has to pay and what he gets away with is pitiable. But you had a good thing going and you've trashed it. He can very likely successfully challenge the decision and swipe half the child benefit too.

You seem motivated by anger that you have most of the mental load (which really isn't quantifiable in money). Unfortunately that just seems to be something mums get lumbered with, whether separated or in a partnership/marriage. The bonus of it is that children are usually closer to their mums as a result of their emotional labour and thoughtfulness.

If you were still partners then it would be fair for household and kids costs to be diverted covered proportionately rather than 50/50 but you aren't, so that's that. He is obliged to share the cost of raising the child and is doing so. He isn't obliged to subsidise you or "pay for your time" of dealing with the mental load.

If you want more income, you now have the same opportunity to work as your ex, so focus on developing your career, increasing your hours etc.

This sounds like you've opened a can of worms that could make you poorer tbh. If he has to end up paying maintenance he may stop paying half for trips/clubs etc (and will on paper be allowed to do so) and you'll end up with less money. According to some of your posts he does normally organise things but has been slack in the last 6 months. Going to court - traumatic for you and your child will eventually find out - seems mad when it could have just been a discussion about how to divide life admin for the child.

Switch it to you paying and him receiving and it will say that you need to pay him too. The calculator isn't accurate for 50/50.

He's right, if the CMS agree that the care is 50/50 then you'll have to pay back what he's paid up to then, and you can expect he's going to be a lot less enjoyable to coparent with. What a stunning own goal.

What a mess.

The CMS calculator is likely wrong, because it uses only overnights spent with each parent and assumes that day-to-day care is not equal. When you input that you’re one who would be receiving support it essentially assumes that you’re the resident parent despite nights being split equally. But that doesn’t sound like it’s the case in your situation. CMS does not just go by number of overnights when time is split 50/50.

Here’s a start for the actual guidance:
https://commonslibrary.parliament.uk/how-does-shared-care-affect-a-child-maintenance-calculation/

He has your child literally half the time and you're still trying to get money out of him? How is that fair op? What you sign a couple of extra forms? Seriously ? I hope he does take it to court

He can very likely successfully challenge the decision and swipe half the child benefit too.

Whichever of them gets the child benefit, it is repayable under the Higher Earner clawback (which is for salaries above £60k, I checked).

Yes I've just seen that! In your case I think your set up sounds reasonable. The only thing sometimes suggested in mediation is if one earns significantly more, they contribute more / most of clubs and school trips, so perhaps that could work?

This happened to me (before he fucked off to Dubai leaving me with 100% care and no maintenance)
50/50 but I did all the appointments, organising, etc
Calculator said 300 as big disparity in wages
He appealed
Twice

I won
And got more because he earned more than he had admitted to

People will tell you this doesn't happen, it does

If you are doing 50/50 which it very much sounds like you are then I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to pay you anything. You are on a good salary, yes he is on more but don’t see why you should get some of that when he is already contributing to 50% of the kids costs and doing 50% of the care.

Of course you should get what the CMS calculator says, and if he disagrees then explain their logic to him.

The CMS calculator isn't set up to calculate in the OP's situation.

So should he get what the calculation says she owes him?

I think you need to explain this with the CMS, that it is one week with each parent and not just shared nights. If they are going to recalculate, its better that it happens now before you are hit with big repayment.

Christ, I'm sorry you find doing things for your child such a chore.