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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or my ex? Child maintenance

323 replies

MoneyWoe · 11/02/2025 20:46

Me and my ex share our child equally, half the time each. He pays for some things, like our child’s weekly swimming sessions, I pay for others, like dinner money. So this part is equal but I would say I do most of the organising for things. Example, I will organise our child’s school trips like filling in the forms and he will give me half the money. This has worked but recently I have got fed up of having to message him asking for half of the money for things all the time, so I put in an application for child maintenance. I didn’t realise this at the time but he is on a very large salary and the money it says he owes is hundreds a month, way more than when he was just paying half of things. He is saying he is going to argue this with them as we share our child equally, and according to him, in these sorts of equal cases he doesn’t need to pay any maintenance. He said he will take it to court if he has to. He’s also said I might have to pay any money back if the child maintenance service agrees with him.

AIBU to expect him to pay the maintenance and is he correct in that he won’t need to pay any maintenance in our situation?

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 12/02/2025 08:28

Goldbar · 12/02/2025 08:16

This attitude is terrible. People are entitled to ask for what they think they might be owed, even if it turns out not to be the case.

And it sounds like the relationship was in need of some rebalancing anyway in terms of who does what. Maybe the OP's actions will open the way for a discussion on this.

Just because male parents somewhat, or even mostly, pull their weight, doesn't mean they need to be placated like children or treated with kid gloves. The fact that too many other men are useless parents doesn't make them magical rainbow unicorns that mustn't be disturbed at all costs. He's not made of sugar, I'm sure he'll survive.

Show quote history

Your point on them 'asking what they think they are entitled to even if they are wrong' is the issue. Up til now things were amicable. Suggesting that the other parent pays more is going to ruin the relationship where it sounds like they gave money that was needed and happy to do admin if asked.

As someone else said, a lot of school communication will only go to one parent unless there is a specific issue raised on this. Trip letters for example which ask for payment. If these come out when the mum has the child then there isn't much dad can do until mum tells him about it and the cost.

Neither parent here are low earners and it sounds like both do their fair share.

peachesarenom · 12/02/2025 08:29

I think you should go for the money but get legal advice first. I say this because why should your child have one lifestyle when with him and be less comfy when with you. It would be such a funny way to grow up!

femfemlicious · 12/02/2025 08:30

Did you tell cns the truth that about the custody arrangements?. That its 50/50?. If you did then you have nothing to worry about. If you didn't then you had better cancel it and apologise to him

Redcliffe1 · 12/02/2025 08:36

Is it payment for stuff you're having to chase? Me and my ex have a joint account- child benefit goes in and we pay an equal amount in to top up. This pays for pretty much everything- we put extra in at Christmas. If you wanted to you could do it where you agree to more from him as the higher earner. Or if you really can't agree how about mediation to avoid court. A lot cheaper and less stressful.

femfemlicious · 12/02/2025 08:37

MoneyWoe · 12/02/2025 08:22

But if he says it is shared care and the court agrees when I’ve said I disagree, won’t that mean I have to pay the money back?

He did suggest paying a smaller amount like £250 a month but why would I agree to that when the calculator says £450?

I would just accept the £250 a month to keep things amicable for your son. That will cover his half of extra expenses. He sounds like he does a reasonable amount. I'm sure ge will still pay separate letter for bigger expenses too. I would let sleeping dogs lie.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 12/02/2025 08:37

Edit: sorry misread it, thought it said a hundred per month, please ignore me.

Swimming lessons must be at least £40 per month? So by the time you factor in the other things he pays, would you be better off with £100 per month on average? I can see why you’re fed up of behaving like his secretary but that seems to be so common unfortunately. Can you not find an easy, low contact way to ask him for the money like vemno request?

Cookiesandcandies · 12/02/2025 08:39

But if you do it the other way with your salary details then it says you owe him money? So are you going to pay that over to him too?

x2boys · 12/02/2025 08:40

BestThingAtThisParty · 12/02/2025 08:08

All of this..often 50 50 isn't equal when it comes down to it, eg if you take her to the dentist, doctor, optician appointments, you are more the primary carer. It's a way of capturing the stuff you talk about with the admin, forms etc. - enrolling I'm clubs, managing school. It's not just about an equal amount of nights at both houses. Also I'm willing to bet you buy more clothes, shoes, stuff for school?

I don't think you're being greedy at all, and wouldn't be surprised if you've made sacrifices when you were together which has stalled your career and earning potential, while he's been able to progress. Child maintenance helps equalise living costs - you shouldn't be struggling with your child while the standard of living is really high at the other house. This could bring some consistency.

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They're both on a high income and they have the child a week on week off each.

RedSkyDelights · 12/02/2025 08:41

Horserider5678 · 12/02/2025 08:23

So you’re both on good salaries! He has your child one week on one week off and you’re pissed because you fill in forms for school trips! Well hello, it only takes one person to fill in the forms which take a few minutes! There’s clearly far more to this and your happy to wreck your child’s relationship with their father as this isn’t going to be pretty as it unfolds!

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I agree with this.

I don't think with an alternate week arrangements that you can argue you do a much larger proportion of care due to the "mental" load. He will be dealing with the day to day things as they arise on "his" weeks. Filling in a few school forms does not mean you spend disproportionately more time sorting things out for them. If you do genuinely feel it does, I'd suggest apportioning jobs more fairly e.g. you do the school admin, but he's responsible for out of school clubs admin. Something like that.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 12/02/2025 08:42

I don’t think care is ever going to be exactly equal between two people. But you could make a list of everything you do and suggest he picks up more of it, eg haircuts, dentist appointments, school shoe fittings, orthodontist when he gets older etc and literally take half each.

Badgerandfox227 · 12/02/2025 08:43

I don’t understand why so many posters here think you’re being unreasonable to expect what the CMS has calculated, regardless of what he currently pays for. I’m the breadwinner in our relationship and I would expect to pay more than 50% because my children should be entitled to the same level of living standards if they were at their dads as they would have with me.

Its a shame if this impacts your co parenting relationship, hopefully your ex will see sense

Glassofeau · 12/02/2025 08:45

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Doggymummar · 12/02/2025 08:46

I don't think they would consider £110k a high income. It seems very petty and I doubt you will succeed. Why ruin an amicable arrangement? Just be better at asking for the money back.

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 08:47

I don’t understand why so many posters here think you’re being unreasonable to expect what the CMS has calculated, regardless of what he currently pays for.

Because if you run the same calculation the other way, she owes him £61 pw and he owes her £99 per week. So her thinking she will get £400+ a month is unlikely to be the case.

Plus at the start of the calculator, it states no payment is due if care is truly shared. The calculator is just an indicator and I suspect the actual amount due would be £0

DaniMontyRae · 12/02/2025 08:47

MoneyWoe · 12/02/2025 07:42

If it falls in his week he will do it sometimes on the school system. But other times during his week, if it comes through to me I will just do it and ask for the money.

Show quote history

Then why not change it with the school so everything goes to him? It sounds like he is actually picking up what he can in terms of admin. Although really, how many forms and letters do you get from the school that this is even registering as a problem?

x2boys · 12/02/2025 08:47

Badgerandfox227 · 12/02/2025 08:43

I don’t understand why so many posters here think you’re being unreasonable to expect what the CMS has calculated, regardless of what he currently pays for. I’m the breadwinner in our relationship and I would expect to pay more than 50% because my children should be entitled to the same level of living standards if they were at their dads as they would have with me.

Its a shame if this impacts your co parenting relationship, hopefully your ex will see sense

Seeing as they are both high earners i imagine the child has a reasonable standard of living in both homes better than a lot of kids
That's the way it is when parents split up things are never quite equal.

femfemlicious · 12/02/2025 08:50

OrangeSlices998 · 12/02/2025 08:14

I can’t believe you’ve gone down the CMS route rather than just saying ‘it’s about £200 a month each for DS’ activities and to have cash for anything he needs. Will we have a joint account we both pay into, and use for his expenses?’

Honestly, as a parent who has a very hostile ex husband, a good co parenting relationship is worth it's weight in diamonds. It's so stressful and horrible having to deal with an ex that wants to destroy you💔

x2boys · 12/02/2025 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

How is this at all relevant to the thread?

Itsfiiiine · 12/02/2025 08:51

I earn £65k, he’s on £110k.

You both earn plenty for a decent standard of living.

He has organised and paid for hobbies but not in the past 6 months. He does do school events without me too sometimes I would just say I do more.

You are being incredibly petty. He sounds like an involved fully 50/50 parent. You have just ruined what sounded like a fairly amicable shared care arrangement when you could have just spoken to him if you felt you were doing (a tiny bit) more than him. Your dd is unlikely to thank you now that things are going to turn ugly.

Billydavey · 12/02/2025 08:52

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 08:20

@Humanswarm but if I do the reverse and put OP’s salary into the calculator with the same “half the time” facts, then she owes £61 a week.

This. The calculator doesn’t work for 50:50
it tells you you’re entitled to 99 per week and it tells him he’s entitled to 61 per week.

I think you’ve shot yourself in the foot here. You aren’t due any money from him and you’ve just wrecked what was working well.

MissDoubleU · 12/02/2025 08:53

Badgerandfox227 · 12/02/2025 08:43

I don’t understand why so many posters here think you’re being unreasonable to expect what the CMS has calculated, regardless of what he currently pays for. I’m the breadwinner in our relationship and I would expect to pay more than 50% because my children should be entitled to the same level of living standards if they were at their dads as they would have with me.

Its a shame if this impacts your co parenting relationship, hopefully your ex will see sense

Because OP isn’t being honest about genuine 50/50 custody, has even asked “how can ex prove he has this if it goes to court and I’ve said otherwise”

femfemlicious · 12/02/2025 08:54

@MoneyWoe if I were you I would cancel the cms immediately. Call your ex and tell him you canceled because you appreciate the good Co parenting relationship and don't want to jeopardise it by bring acrimonious . Negotiate a setpayment for recurrent expenses with a caveat if asking for more for bigger expenses. Tell him you want to continue as you were. A good Co parenting relationship is worth it's weight in plutonium.

MH0084 · 12/02/2025 08:54

I may be against the majority here. But a high earning parent should be paying more than 50/50.
I don't understand why a parent wouldn't want their child to have more comfort than what would be set by the lower earning parent.
We have the same arrangement. DC one week with each parent. I earn more than him and I pay for 80% of DC expenses.
It would be better to have this discussion without involving CMS.
But as others are saying that he may refuse paying for swimming classes because of the maintenance payments, well, then that's not being a good parent, is it?

Billydavey · 12/02/2025 08:54

Cookiesandcandies · 12/02/2025 08:39

But if you do it the other way with your salary details then it says you owe him money? So are you going to pay that over to him too?

I’d guess not…

x2boys · 12/02/2025 08:57

MH0084 · 12/02/2025 08:54

I may be against the majority here. But a high earning parent should be paying more than 50/50.
I don't understand why a parent wouldn't want their child to have more comfort than what would be set by the lower earning parent.
We have the same arrangement. DC one week with each parent. I earn more than him and I pay for 80% of DC expenses.
It would be better to have this discussion without involving CMS.
But as others are saying that he may refuse paying for swimming classes because of the maintenance payments, well, then that's not being a good parent, is it?

He's not done any of that though has hes, just something you have decided he might do
They are both high earners just because you personally contribute more doesn't mean other ,s should have to.