AIBU or my ex? Child maintenance

[MoneyWoe]

Me and my ex share our child equally, half the time each. He pays for some things, like our child’s weekly swimming sessions, I pay for others, like dinner money. So this part is equal but I would say I do most of the organising for things. Example, I will organise our child’s school trips like filling in the forms and he will give me half the money. This has worked but recently I have got fed up of having to message him asking for half of the money for things all the time, so I put in an application for child maintenance. I didn’t realise this at the time but he is on a very large salary and the money it says he owes is hundreds a month, way more than when he was just paying half of things. He is saying he is going to argue this with them as we share our child equally, and according to him, in these sorts of equal cases he doesn’t need to pay any maintenance. He said he will take it to court if he has to. He’s also said I might have to pay any money back if the child maintenance service agrees with him.

AIBU to expect him to pay the maintenance and is he correct in that he won’t need to pay any maintenance in our situation?

The problem I foresee is that activities fall equally on both parents. For example if the op had her child every Tuesday, and Tuesdays are the day her child goes to judo she could say I will sort out and pay for Judo. You have the child on Thursdays and it’s swimming in a Thursday so ex, you sort that out.
Could you say to your ex, I won’t pursue child maintenance, but I’m expecting you to deal with every letter you get and message me if it will involve me.

But that amount would be expected to fund all the extras he currently contributes to, so OP might be worse off with a contentious co parenting arrangement to boot. Might have been worth talking to him before opening a claim on him.

I’d go to court and fight if I was him. You have a week each, it’s 50/50 and equal care and he pays half of everything you ask.

This is all very petty because you’re annoyed he doesn’t fill more forms in and could have been sorted out much easier with some grown up conversations. You’ve potentially completely ruined a decent co-parenting situation, for what?

Plus, is it really that simple? You said yourself sometimes the correspondence from school/clubs comes through you so what is he actually meant to do other than sending you the money as soon as you ask him to?

My DD’s school, both primary and secondary, have contact information for me and her dad yet 80% of the messages, newsletters and bills are sent just to me.

Talk to him now about putting £250 a month in a kitty to pay for activities & lunches and you put in the equivalent proportional to your earnings.

That way the money is spent on DC and it's there in advance regardless who pays.

This would have been the sensible thing to
do before doing a surprise CM claim on him. And from his response I think it has damaged their co parenting relationship.

Sounds petty and money grabbing. You have 50:50 care of your daughter and what was an amicable relationship. Taking it to court and telling him you want more money seems grabby, as you had been fine previously til you discovered he earned more than you thought. You don't know whether he has a savings account for your daughter and maybe puts money in this.
It sounds like he always gives you money towards clubs and if you actually talked to him it sounds like he would be reasonable and take on the responsibilities for hobbies or school.

There are so many posts on here where the ex is completely unreasonable and doesn't contribute, I think you had a good thing and have now potentially ruined this relationship by being greedy.

@Humanswarm even though the calculator gives £99, the front page of the calculator says:

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:

• sharing care equally with the other parent

I share 50/50 with my higher earning (£110k vs £45k) ex and I swear when the mediator said no maintenance was payable with a 50/50 arrangement his eyes lit up!

Having said that he pays for sports subs and equipment for 2 active teens and all school dinners so that's probably £200-250pm in total. He has his card details stashed in ParentPay so I can top up dinners without asking and I tell him when I pay his 50% of any other school costs and I just pay mine on there as needed using my card.

In your shoes, OP, I wouldn't rock the boat but come to a better arrangement in comms, painful though that might be.

All of this..often 50 50 isn't equal when it comes down to it, eg if you take her to the dentist, doctor, optician appointments, you are more the primary carer. It's a way of capturing the stuff you talk about with the admin, forms etc. - enrolling I'm clubs, managing school. It's not just about an equal amount of nights at both houses. Also I'm willing to bet you buy more clothes, shoes, stuff for school?

I don't think you're being greedy at all, and wouldn't be surprised if you've made sacrifices when you were together which has stalled your career and earning potential, while he's been able to progress. Child maintenance helps equalise living costs - you shouldn't be struggling with your child while the standard of living is really high at the other house. This could bring some consistency.

Given your salaries OP, you’re entitled to nothing. And your greed has just blown up what was an amicable coparenting relationship. He doesn’t even need to take it to court, he can just contact CMS to say it’s equal care.

You’re being petty and vindictive and this could come back and bite you on the arse. Even as a high earner it seems like with exactly 50/50 nights, and additional costs incurred whilst he has them, he would be very sensible to take this to court.

CMS don’t give a shiny shite about how many forms one parent has filled in over the other, you’re just being silly there. It’s not exactly onerous to reply to school comms, and ping him a text to say hey you owe me thirty quid or whatever.

And how do you get child benefit if you earn £65k?

You’re really opening a can of worms here and risking ruining a perfectly amicable coparenting relationship. You’d be better off actually having a conversation about maybe him saving for the children, with his extra income.

I can’t believe you’ve gone down the CMS route rather than just saying ‘it’s about £200 a month each for DS’ activities and to have cash for anything he needs. Will we have a joint account we both pay into, and use for his expenses?’

This attitude is terrible. People are entitled to ask for what they think they might be owed, even if it turns out not to be the case.

And it sounds like the relationship was in need of some rebalancing anyway in terms of who does what. Maybe the OP's actions will open the way for a discussion on this.

Just because male parents somewhat, or even mostly, pull their weight, doesn't mean they need to be placated like children or treated with kid gloves. The fact that too many other men are useless parents doesn't make them magical rainbow unicorns that mustn't be disturbed at all costs. He's not made of sugar, I'm sure he'll survive.

Okay so I just had a quick look at the child maintenance calculator using those figures you give of 110k and shared care 50% it does say a few hundred but that its an estimate I believe and you have to formally apply. Clearly due to his income there is still an element that has to be paid despite shared care however I would just apply I doubt you need to go through court if you are honest with cms they calculate it for you so he will be taking the cms to court if he doesn't pay not you they are the ones legally making him pay it I would do collect and pay where they deduct from his wages. I dont think your being unfair if legally its money you are entitled to when I looked its over 400 a month yes its shared care but things are expensive he likely still has excess income after he pays for his half you are on a significantly less income and its what legally it says you are entitled to. Tell him to stop blaming you blame the system. However on that I would not start leading with the whole I deal with more of the secretarial side of things like if a payment comes through to my school app I will just sort it then claim the money back that all sounds very petty or I physically go online and book the trip. That's not basic care thats additional luxuries as such. Just lead with im sorry you feel that way this is what it says on the calculator im just going with what I've been advised. And shame to the posters berating you if it was a man on here saying im not paying the women the extra 400 a month but I earn twice as much as we do 50% despite what the cms calculator says he would get eaten alive. Why would you not claim. As I said dont worry about court hes not taking you hes taking the cms as they tell him to pay and can physically remove it from his wages if he refuses to do so

@SheilaFentiman apparently due to gross income he would have to pay. He does get a 50% discount and £7 off per child but would still be liable. This is to ensure children have a fair financial split between homes. I also checked on a family law website and that was the response. I'd gladly be told otherwise, as I don't actually agree with that. And I do feel it would be detrimental to the co-parenting arrangement they have in place already, which actually seems fair. We all pick up the mental load for our children, whether with partners or not. And charging £99 a week essentially for the joy of it seems bemusingly unfair.

If he’s a high earner then yes even in 50/50 cases maintenance can and will be due. This isn’t ‘greedy’ this is to ensure the child has a similar standard of living across both homes.

Maintenance isn’t a court issue.

You won’t have to pay anything back unless you’ve lied on the application forms.

@Humanswarm but if I do the reverse and put OP’s salary into the calculator with the same “half the time” facts, then she owes £61 a week.

But if he says it is shared care and the court agrees when I’ve said I disagree, won’t that mean I have to pay the money back?

He did suggest paying a smaller amount like £250 a month but why would I agree to that when the calculator says £450?

So you’re both on good salaries! He has your child one week on one week off and you’re pissed because you fill in forms for school trips! Well hello, it only takes one person to fill in the forms which take a few minutes! There’s clearly far more to this and your happy to wreck your child’s relationship with their father as this isn’t going to be pretty as it unfolds!

I’m not sure he is a high earner for this purpose.

www.moorebarlow.com/blog/child-maintenance-and-how-it-affects-high-earners/

It should be noted however that the CMS calculation is based on a gross weekly income which is capped at £3,000. Therefore, if the non-resident parent earns £156,000 or more per annum, it may be appropriate to apply for a top-up order from the court.

How can you disagree what it's 50/50? Are you planning on lying?

But if he says it is shared care and the court agrees when I’ve said I disagree, won’t that mean I have to pay the money back?

Has CMS started taking money from him yet?

If you have told the truth ie equal number of overnights and they think he owes money on that basis and are taking it, then that is on them, I think.

If he is voluntarily paying you some money whilst this is being sorted out, then that is on him.

I think if it went to court with week on and week off you wouldn’t get anything so I’d be inclined to take the 250

OP you entered in the details as correct shared care 50% thisbis his salary fully honest and thats what it said you are entitled to. Stop worrying about court they won't argue with their own system. He will deal with child maintenance directly and have to dispute the amount against them as they tell him how much he has to pay not you. Hes probably known all along hence now offering half nope you want the full amount you are entitled to. Regardless of 50/50 good parenting you are legally allowed this to ensure standards of living across both households its not you fault thats just the way the system is set up. Honestly if you where a man you would get treated differently.

He has them staying over and picks them up half the week and my friend has them half the week too. They do Co parent well. There is no one else involved and he always been a good dad and she a good mum. Sadly they didn't work together as a couple. She gets no maintenance due to the 50:50 set up sadly.