Texted with dates to avoid for a funeral

[Donewithdoormat]

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

YANBU.

Getting a crematorium date that the funeral directors can do as well and getting a celebrant etc, sorting a wake etc - it's stressful when you are broken and grieving. Having to organise it round someone's holiday - when it's someone who he's not bothering to support/communicate with is just too much.

You were right to tell him to get fucked.

Yep. You were right, sorry but your brothers message was in Incredibly Poor Taste and it needed that response.

yANBU. You can’t give dates over to a person in grief and expect them to accommodate these. Your brother need to think about this.

Having had a couple of family funerals in the last few months, I think people asking to avoid certain dates is becoming more common as the wait gets longer. It's different to when it was a few days or a week or two and you took the soonest one. I think the thinking is, if it's going to be 4 weeks anyway it might as well be 4 weeks and 2 days or similar. But this is quite a new thing so I wouldn't say there's a settled etiquette yet.

Your brother is being a dick however, regardless of whether it's ok for him to want certain dates avoiding. That's his issue to sort out not yours.

Of course you shouldn't have passed along his request. It is not normal to give the bereaved family a list of dates to avoid. It's a funeral not a dinner party FFS. He is being completely insensitive and unreasonable.

Sorry for your losses

Contrary to what some are saying, it is normal to check dates but only with the immediate key people, we delayed mil's to accommodate shift patterns.

The increase in delays is because of this I think

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/changes-to-the-death-certification-process/an-overview-of-the-death-certification-reforms

It was getting worse before this, but the undertaker told us the new system is bedding down and that's making things take longer on top.

YANBU. Organizing my poor mother's funeral was a nightmare as her church was on an interregnum at the time. In the end we organized it and it turned out DH's BIL had a sports event he really wanted to go to on that day. I told him to go as he and my mother had loved talking about sport together and she wouldn't have wanted him to miss it - he had been a good friend to her when she was alive, which was what was important. He certainly didn't expect me to arrange the funeral around him.

YANBU OP and for what it’s worth well done for breaking the cycle of being a doormat and saying “no”

We arranged Mum’s funeral to avoid my niece’s exam dates.

If anyone had asked us to fit it round their holidays they’d have been told where to go.

He's looking at it the wrong way round. The funeral will happen when it happens and if it's while he's supposed to be away, he rearranges his holiday or cancels it and claims on his insurance.

That's what we did last year when a relative of DPs funeral was arranged for the day we were supposed to travel home. We got new flights and came home a day early.

A funeral is not a wedding. It’s a public event for people to attend.
Obviously, the date is very important to loved ones but it’s not your job or anyone else’s to look out for your brother’s holiday arrangements.
I know many like him - very important people, with very important lives.
Do your best to stand by the poor next of kin who must be devastated. And be very proud of how well you took care of all arrangements when it was your job to.

My SIL did this when my dad died... We delayed the funeral for a number of weeks and some good friends of his were unable to attend as a result. Then she did not turn up at all as it was "too stressful".....

YANBU. I can understand why you felt cross given the background. However, I don't think there was a need to erupt or to say as much as you did to justify your 'no'. It would have been enough to say something like "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable asking them to avoid dates. It's not something I would do. If you want them to avoid your holidays you'll need to ask them yourself. Their number is...."

Well done for finding your backbone, I'm sorry it took something like this for that to happen.

We had this in our family too. Poor gran finally got hers 5 weeks after her death.
Let him be his own messenger

My grandma’s funeral was on my 21st birthday, I still went 🤷‍♀️

YANBU

Your brother is a piece of work.

You are not his PA. You are right to decline.

Well done for putting in the boundary. Excellent work for noticing the pattern and not getting dragged in.

Well done. Keep pushing back until they get the picture and if all else fails, ignore.

You have enough to deal with .

Your brother sounds self-absorbed. Why should a funeral be arranged around him “living his best life”? He also sounds like a coward trying to make you the messenger in all this!

No you aren't being unreasonable at all. I have empathy with you as one of my brothers is just like this with me. He's more important than anyone and expects me to do all the work and then complain when he's not happy having not lifted a finger.

You are completely in the right and if he wants to be so crass as to send 'dates to avoid' he needs to do it himself.

Yanbu.

I would have done the same and also advised brother not to give the NoK any additional hassle by even mentioning dates. Just hope for the best and apologise if he can't manage. Unless very close and needed for funeral i can't see anyone expecting him to cancel holiday anyway.

Well done for telling him straight. You are well on the way to non doormat status. Keep it up.