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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texted with dates to avoid for a funeral

86 replies

Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 15:08

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

OP posts:
livingonaprairie · 11/02/2025 16:03

My grandfather's funeral was held on my birthday years ago - only available date for weeks. My DM did ask me if I minded but I didn't really have a choice so it was a birthday to forget. I certainly wasn't offended as I am a reasonable person (seemingly unlike your brother) and realised it wasn't about me.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 11/02/2025 16:07

Of course you are not unreasonable. Good for you.

purplecorkheart · 11/02/2025 16:07

Well done for telling him straight. He wasn't close enough to the family to make the request himself but expected you to do it but feels important enough that they would arrange the funeral around him. He is cheeky. Take no more nonsense from him.

featherindarkwaters · 11/02/2025 16:08

Bravo. You stood up for yourself.

I'm sorry that it took a painful loss for you to find your voice, that's unfortunate, but still, well done. Keep it up and watch your life improve.

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 16:10

sunshinerainbowcloud · 11/02/2025 15:27

YANBU OP and for what it’s worth well done for breaking the cycle of being a doormat and saying “no”

I came to say this. If this is an example of your brother's behaviour - he is in for a well needed reality check that the world and bereavements don't revolve around his wishes.

LatteLady · 11/02/2025 16:10

Having done this for my mum, our Irish relatives were shocked by the amount of time it took (three weeks) and we ended up holding it on her youngest sister's birthday, not ideal but it was the only date.

So no, if he wants to avoid dates, then it is on him to talk to the NoK.

AlexP24 · 11/02/2025 16:10

Although you are not being unreasonable - surely you could have just said to your brother 'the thing is, the dates are the dates and crematoriums get so booked up that they tell us rather than us telling them - but look if you're away don't worry, I'm sure NoK won't mind because me and x will be there anyway'. I think it's wrong of you to make him feel bad for being away, which you did I think when you said 'if you can't postpone your holiday..'. I think it's silly to expect anyone to cancel a holiday for a funeral. Unless it's your mum or dad or sibling of course, but not for anyone else. People die and sometimes you can't be there for the funeral,

WiddlinDiddlin · 11/02/2025 16:14

Fuck no, I'd have said exactly the same.

IF his presence were that important that the people doing all the arranging thought it appropriate to arrange the funeral around his holiday dates... he'd be absolutely willing, and welcome, to contact them directly.

He knows damn well that contacting them directly would be inappropriate and rude, and so he is trying to get you to do his dirty work for him and make you the scape goat should his absence be noted.

Absolutely fuck that.

Worldinyourhands · 11/02/2025 16:15

You don't have to pass the dates on and it's totally fine that you said that. Telling people to speak directly to one another is completely fair. You're not an admin person.

Having said that, if brother wants to go on holiday rather than to the funeral that's totally fair. Not everyone feels the need to go to a funeral and he doesn't have to feel guilty about that.

Kerrylass · 11/02/2025 16:18

Firstly sorry For your loss

Just wanted to add that i think you handled that perfectly. Keep your cool if you can x

Original poster
Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 16:22

AlexP24 · 11/02/2025 16:10

Although you are not being unreasonable - surely you could have just said to your brother 'the thing is, the dates are the dates and crematoriums get so booked up that they tell us rather than us telling them - but look if you're away don't worry, I'm sure NoK won't mind because me and x will be there anyway'. I think it's wrong of you to make him feel bad for being away, which you did I think when you said 'if you can't postpone your holiday..'. I think it's silly to expect anyone to cancel a holiday for a funeral. Unless it's your mum or dad or sibling of course, but not for anyone else. People die and sometimes you can't be there for the funeral,

The thing is, I don’t expect him to be there for the funeral if the dates clash. I just expect him to own his decision not to go if that is what happens, and not to expect the dates to work around him.

i think I could have handled it better, but I didn’t. He lives close by so no doubt I’ll see him at the weekend as we use the same gym. That’s going to be fun!

OP posts:
BuckleBrothers · 11/02/2025 16:23

ugh. It’s the fact he just assumed you would be organising it that irritates me.

letthemeatcakes · 11/02/2025 16:23

His holiday, his problem.

Motheringlikeapelican · 11/02/2025 16:27

YANBU
He cant make it your problem and you were 100% right to bat it back to him.
You are not his PA or messenger. If he feels so strongly about his holiday importance he can go discuss that with the grieving next of kin directly.
And hopefully he wont, because he knows that is the actions of a self absorbed arse, especially now that you have held up that mirror for him.

Endofyear · 11/02/2025 16:30

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It's nothing to do with you. He can sort his own arrangements out.

Lilactimes · 11/02/2025 16:34

Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 16:22

The thing is, I don’t expect him to be there for the funeral if the dates clash. I just expect him to own his decision not to go if that is what happens, and not to expect the dates to work around him.

i think I could have handled it better, but I didn’t. He lives close by so no doubt I’ll see him at the weekend as we use the same gym. That’s going to be fun!

Show quote history

You are brother and sister - it’s ok to argue - it will be ok xx
You are totally in the right and your slightly more robust push back to him was because you are fed up of doing everything and working and being a single mum.
Hope you’re ok and sorry for everything you’re going through x

WhiteRosesAndCandles · 11/02/2025 16:34

You did nothing wrong. You batted the question back. You reacted to your dbro being upset and wanting you to contact NoK for him.

Having arranged a funeral recently, it is difficult. Everyone has ideas about dates and etiquette, not everyone is willing to be accomodating, understanding or appreciative.

You are not responsible for your Dbro. He needs to own his decision and respectfully contact NoK with condolences and information.

circleback · 11/02/2025 16:34

YANBU. I’ve experienced a family member completely guilt-trip another for not treating their mother’s funeral like a meal out and sending a Doodle poll round for availability.

PorridgeEater · 11/02/2025 16:37

Obviously the brother should have sent dates himself to the person organising the funeral. But it sounds as though op didn't help by "erupting" at him - would have been better to decline calmly and politely.

snowmichael · 11/02/2025 16:38

Donewithdoormat · 11/02/2025 15:08

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

When someone finally stands up for themselves and starts telling people some home truths, they invariably get labelled as unreasonable

Moveoverdarlin · 11/02/2025 16:42

Well I’d explain it to him like this.

So you don’t feel close enough to the NOK to be able to text her the dates you can’t attend the funeral but you feel close enough to the NOK that she should take YOUR diary in to account when planning the funeral. Eh? He can’t have it both ways!

If it clashes with his holiday then so be it, it happens all the time.

sunshinerainbowcloud · 11/02/2025 16:46

treesandsun · 11/02/2025 16:10

I came to say this. If this is an example of your brother's behaviour - he is in for a well needed reality check that the world and bereavements don't revolve around his wishes.

Show quote history

It’s pretty normal behaviour from piss takers when you start setting boundaries, brother is used to getting what he wants so when Op said no he gets defensive and is even insulted by it. He’s so used to taking advantage and getting what he wants.

HideousKinky · 11/02/2025 16:46

I think it would have been better just to repeat calmly that he must speak to the NoK himself, which would make it clear you wouldn't be doing so on his behalf. Then say nothing more

RawBloomers · 11/02/2025 16:49

I think you handled it fine.

You weren’t just telling him he shouldn’t be pushing his preferred dates for the funeral (which could be done less aggressively) you were pushing back on his assumption that you were his admin assistant. When you did that he doubled down by assuming your job was also to do the emotional labour for him. Using your connection to this NoK to smooth out his difficulties trying to maintain a good guy persona while really just being concerned about his holiday.

If you want to change the dynamic with your family quickly then this is a good way to do it. It may have more fallout than you hope for but it may just be that you find out faster what sort of relationship you’re going to have if you aren’t prepared to constantly accommodate.

Cherrysoup · 11/02/2025 16:52

You're not his employee, nor should have told you to ensure arrangement fit him. He's been an arse, please do tell him to his face when next you see him.

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