Texted with dates to avoid for a funeral

[Donewithdoormat]

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

Not only are you not unreasonable, you are rather splendid.

If your plonker brother doesn't know the bereaved well enough to tell them himself, why would he expect them to arrange the funeral around his holiday.

That's bonkers!

Well done @Donewithdoormat 👏

When one of my parents died it was a few weeks before I had a holiday. I naively assumed the funeral would happen way before the trip. I was one of the primary people doing the organising for the funeral but I was repeatedly pressured to cancel my holiday despite us having no idea when we would be able to hold the funeral yet as the body hadn’t been released. I refused but I also didn’t engage in conversation. I waited it out. Eventually, I had to be the one explaining to the funeral directors I would rather avoid the holiday. Thankfully it worked out.

It was interesting to me though, how others didn’t get it. I’m quite pragmatic and frankly, if I had been on holiday when the family member passed, I wouldn’t have been any the wiser and wouldn’t have flown home. I think it’s perfectly okay for your brother to want to have his holiday. The bit that isn’t okay was getting you to be the go-between.

Of course you were entirely right. Don’t back down.

We set up a WhatsApp group with close family and all notified dates we couldn’t do and whittled it down to 3 or 4 dates suitable, then arranged around that. I don’t think this is unreasonable. People have prior commitments and also have childcare and school pickups to fit in. I didn’t expect anyone to cancel holidays etc

Having had a couple of bereavements since the changes in September last year, I think this is an increasingly common response to the long delays in getting funeral dates.

If he's not close enough to communicate directly with the next of kin, whether he's there or not doesn't sound that important. If the dates clash he can choose what he wants to do, and send apologies if he can't attend like anyone else would.

Let him send the message himself if he thinks it's appropriate, none of your business and I agree very tasteless to ask someone to fit a funeral in around your holidays.

Yanbu at all and you dealt with your arsehole brother exactly correctly. Everything you said when batting back his arrogant presumption was true. Nobody chooses funeral dates so as to bring least inconvenience to distant relatives. It is arranged at the soonest convenient time that can be managed whilst giving time to make arrangements. Anyone who wants to go gets the choice as to whether to cancel their other plans and attend or whether their other plans are more important to them.

Absolutely YANBU your brother is tho how rude and entitled

For future reference, easiest thing to do in this position is to make it totally obvious he's being unreasonable whilst giving him an out. E.g. "Whoops, you accidentally sent this to the wrong number! Obviously I'm not organising the dates for this. Fingers crossed there's no clash 🤞

Polite, friendly, takes no responsibility.

If you're struggling with saying no to things worth listening to a few audio books on how to do it so you can hear how they say no as well as what they say.