Texted with dates to avoid for a funeral

[Donewithdoormat]

First off, I know that IABU partially because I have been a doormat for far too long. I have long allowed myself to be the admin/organiser for my sister and brothers for years. The attitude I am discussing here is partly because I’ve allowed this to happen, and I am learning to identify this and say no.

We had some bereavements last year and whilst my sister was really helpful, the others just let me get on with it. I was an executor in both cases. I am the only one with younger children and am a single parent (plus I work) so I was working, supporting my children, and dealing with my own grief as well as paperwork.

Another close family member died recently and suddenly. We’re all in shock and grieving. In this case I’m not the next of kin and won’t be dealing with the funeral. The date is not yet known. My role will be to turn up and support the next of kin who is a young adult and needs a lot of support.

Cue my brother messaging me with dates he will be on holiday coming up within 4 weeks, please be aware for funeral arrangements etc. I believe this is him trying to ensure he gets his holiday without being the bad guy, as if the dates clashed then he’d say this was my fault because he’d told me in advance.

I batted it back- I’m not part of this, I’m not getting involved with your arrangements and I’m certainly not passing it on to NoK for him.

He’s now got upset because I’m closer to the next of kin so apparently it’s easier for me to tell him.

i pretty much erupted at this point and told him, still by text, that it’s not my problem, the date will be the date, and if he isn’t willing to postpone then that’s his decision. I asked him why he thinks the NoK would avoid the dates for the funeral just for him when my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough of a priority to rearrange his holiday? And I also said that it’s in bad taste to put a bid in for dates like that anyway, like it’s a trip to the cinema And then I told him to just F off and leave me alone,

AIBU to have refused to pass on that info? Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal to give people a list of dates to avoid? In my experience the crematoriums get booked up so dates are limited anyway.

Tell him to organise the funeral himself.

What you did was fine. If he wasn’t close enough to the deceased and isn’t close enough to the NoK to be involved in planning, he’s not important enough to have the whole bloody thing planned around his holiday.

I suspect the main reason he contacted you and not them is because he knows very well he can’t tell them to have the funeral in dates that suits him!!

"I'm not your personal assistant. And, frankly, if you're not close enough to the NoK to message them directly, they're not going to work around your holiday schedule anyway."

No you are certainly not BU. Well done to you for putting your foot down. Your brother needs to sort himself out with regards to this funeral. I find myself often gobsmacked by how grown adults can think it's someone else's job to make sure their lives run smoothly. You crack on. You sound like you've got this 😁

When we set up boundaries with other people and stop behaving as if we are the responsible one, the people who have disregarded the boundaries get upset. They are like three year olds who've been told no.

They get upset because it's all been very convenient for them till now. And now they are going to have to find the phone number or email address of the NoK and have the conversation directly rather than tell you and let you get on with it.

It's easier at this point to go back to what happened before, or feel guilty for asserting boundaries or resentful because we are the focus of their frustration.

How to get past it?

1. Reassert the boundary - this is not my responsibility, you'll have to sort it out yourself
2. Congratulate yourself for asserting the boundary
3. Reply with - this is not my responsibility when they get cross
4. Remind yourself that it really isn't your responsibility
5. Rinse and repeat as necessary.

It's tough and you might feel guilty but it's better to do that than feel resentful that you have to do their work for them.

It's almost comical how self centred your brother's being. Does he honestly think the NoK will plan things around his holiday? What an arse.
Well done for telling him to bugger off OP.

Nothing wrong here OP.

Not your monkey.
Not your circus

I think I agree with this

I don't think he expects them to plan anything around his holiday. In fact, I think he would prefer it that nothing is planned around his holiday even if it was possible.

It seems to me that he just doesn't want to go and doesn't want to be the one who informs others that he chose his holiday.

We have a big family funeral coming up and actually direct relatives have been discussing dates they can and can’t do related to holidays. But for your brother to triangulate you into it and expect you to do his admin and emotional work for him was outrageous.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that I don’t think your brother did anything wrong. He shared his holiday dates, to try to ensure he could make the funeral.

My grandfathers funeral was delayed a week, as his son, my uncle was on a golfing trip abroad. I didn’t bat an eyelid and I know my grandfather wouldn’t have wanted him to cancel, he would have said ‘life goes on’. I’m glad my uncle had a great time, he deserved it and I know it didn’t mean he loved my grandfather any less.

So, I don’t think your brothers being selfish. Plus, it’s really hard to cancel a holiday and get money back, so I don’t blame him.

However, he should have gone directly to the organiser and not tried to use you as a PA. That was a bit rude. He probably feels embarrassed to send dates he’s away. But that doesn’t mean you should do it either.

I don’t think I would have let it cause a row. I’d probably have just said ‘Sorry, I’m not organising this funeral, you’ll have to let Jack know directly’.

YANBU at all OP. He needs to contact the NoK himself if the deceased mattered to him that much. I did this when someone who really mattered to me died, but stressed to the NoK that they should do whatever worked best for them. No offence was meant and none was taken.

Sorry for your losses, OP, and for the weight you have been carrying for others. You did the right thing saying no to your brother. Please don't second guess yourself.

You're not his assistant or his messenger. Let him organise his own bad choices. And make this the start of a new position on anything similar. Whatever he and your other brother asks, don't be panicked into saying yes. Take time to push it back. Once you start, you'll see how much of your time and good nature they've been abusing.

Well done, you did great, stuck to your boundaries and did the right thing.

It feels uncomfortable when you start saying no to people but that needs to be your brothers problem, he shouldn't be so rude and the more you stand up to it the better you will feel, 1-0 to you and your self confidence 👏👏

YANBU. You’ve said you are not involved in the planning. End of story. Leave it up to him and everyone else to communicate.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Literally no-one expects a funeral to be arranged around their diary unless they are themselves doing the organising. He can ring the NoK and ask when the funeral is, pass on his sympathies, and then if he has a diary clash he can say sorry I won't be able to make it. Nothing to do with you.

This. The same thing happened for my nan's recent funeral. Perfectly normal. Some family had holidays booked, children who can no longer take time out school etc etc. We wanted as many family to come who could so we tried to accommodate all the dates thankfully this worked out.

Agree with this.
It's the straw that broke the camel's back as you've shouldered it all for so long.

There are people who like organising and being in charge, could they have seen you that way?

Bedding down might be playing it down slightly so as not to make you anxious.

I'm aware of some places where it has taken 6-8 weeks and they are having to postpone funerals, you can't actually register a death until it's done, the difficulty is rural areas such as parts of Wales there isn't enough medical examiners to staff it. The principle is a sound one like many things in civil service the execution is not as easy.

Anyway ignore your brother OP, sorry for your loss

Wow!

Tell your selfish prick of a brother to do his own dirty work....

'Please arrange the funeral for when it's convenient for me.'

Er, no, you massive dick.

Yikes. We're not rural so hadn't even thought of how it'd be in more remote areas.

This. Would have been enough to say I'm not involved in the organisation, no need to turn it into an argument.

When my grandad died, my uncle didn't want the first choice of date he was offered for the funeral because that happened to be his birthday (he was then offered the day before instead, which he accepted). In this case, he was doing the organising so it was okay (I'm not sure whether it would have been moved to accommodate his birthday if any other relative had been doing it).

As for your brother, he shouldn't have been using you as a message service, and the next of kin shouldn't have to arrange around his holiday. YANBU to have told him to jog on - as for any comments about erupting not being the best way to handle it, well, feelings are going to run high after a death, it's not quite that simple.