Refusing sleepovers *childhood abuse warning

[WishingIcouldbenormal]

Hi

I need some support with this and I'm not particularly sure where to put this thread.

This may be long, but not to drip feed. I have changed username for this because I don't feel comfortable posting under my normal name.

I have a 12 DD who will be turning 13 later this year.

She has recently asked to go to a close school friends sleepover with another friend. Initially I had said yes after much inner thoughts and turmoil. But then yesterday I told her no. The friends mother had texted me yesterday giving details of the plan. After 3 hours of constant debate with myself I then told my DD and the friends mum no to the sleepover, but she's fine to do the movie part. Then she can meet back up with her friends the next day to go into town. I know it sounds a bit half ass but please bear with me. My DD thinks I'm mean and I'm making her miss out. She thinks that I don't trust her, I've explained to her that I do trust her, it's others around her I have an issue with. I have said to her that once she's older then I can ease up. So far I have kept to my word on other rules I have in place for my children and their ages to access or do things.

I have always had a no sleepover policy, but have hosted sleepovers at our house. I know I sound contradicting, but I will explain why. I won't go into everything but a quick breakdown.

• My sister was abused by our "father" from the ages of 15-17. This only stopped because I confronted the situation and it was revealed.

The impact of this has meant that I have an adult sister who battles psychosis caused by cannabis to block out the trauma. I have seen first hand what child hood abuse can do to a person. It doesn't stop just because the age changed.

-At the time of confrontation this changed the way I parented my three children. I became very aware of others and hypervilgant. I am becoming more better now.

The impact meant that I refused to send my daughters to nursery until they could speak quite clearly. We are quite sheltered in our lives and I don't send them to others homes- unless they are certain members of my family. I am learning to be less strict about the fashion sense that tween and teen girls like to wear.

I've recently allowed my DD to spend time at the friend's in question house in the day,during the weekend and then she's back home again. This took a long time for me to even do a simple thing like that. I'm very aware that abuse can happen anytime, not just during sleepovers. I wish to God I could be more logical and less scared.

Logically, I know deep down sleepovers are fun and meant to be normal. But for every 5 nice stories I've read during my inner turmoil. There were at least 5 more warning about the realities of abuse.

I am aware that this friend in question lives with both her parents and I think that's why I'm slightly more hesitant. Admittedly I don't believe every male is like that- I have an adult son and plenty of respectable male relatives. But my father was seen as respectable and a decent person. But he was the devil himself. I don't believe every male/ female is like that. But why put the risk there.

I want to be a "normal" parent- who doesn't see everything through the eyes of potential abuse and I don't believe that everybody is like that. But unfortunately too many times there is a demon who reminds me that evil does exist.

I have never told my DD's the reality of our estranged "father" as I think children should be as innocent, as they can. They don't need to be exposed to the harsh side of life.

Even if it's not sa, I'm mindful of parent dynamics, as there was a case years ago of the little child who was killed at a sleepover by the friends mother ex partner.

Given time I know that one day I will have to allow that moment of a sleepover to happen, but I'm very worried that the one day or instance can change our whole lives.

I just want to feel less threatened as a parent and not push my adult eyes onto my children.

I am currently at work, but this is having such an impact on me at the moment, so will not be able to respond to any replies (if any) until later.

Thank you if you've read so far.

Thank you for your view point. I have considered EDMR before.

Unfortunately in this case the police haven't been able to do anything- as the victim in this case has mental health and didn't want to pursue justice at the time. She was deeply traumatized herself- Stockholm syndrome. It's been a very hard thing for us to navigate as a family.

My sister has been estranged from us for the best part of a decade as we remind her too much of her trauma and also the anger that it was only her and not us. It's only the last past of last year have we had more regular contact. It depends where she is based upon her mental health and recovery stages. It's one of a very sad and painful outcome of the entire situation.

So be to fair in my daily life I'm quite logical and less risk obsessed. But now the need of doing sleepovers or not, as forced me to relive something that I thought was manageable. But I realized I was only coping with it because I wasn't forced to acknowledge it- if that makes sense.

Clearly you haven't read the update.

Please don't come on to posts like this and offer a valid insight and then follow it up with calling me "miserable." You don't understand the levels of pain it takes to even address something like this.

Enjoy the rest of your day!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer your insights.

I will not be asking to get this thread deleted, as it may be useful to for anyone else needing support.

However I will no longer be responding, as I have given an update. But I can see this thread is starting to take a nasty turn and I don't care for name calling about my character. There's always one poster. I don't want to let minor lack of manners get to me, but this thread has taken so much emotional and mental energy to even write in the first instance. I'm exhausted from the sheer emotions these past 3 days. But I will always bounce back and get back on with my normal life.

But for everyone else thank you all so very much. xx

i’m sorry your sister and family have had to go through this. I don’t hold much hope for the police dealing with these criminals as they don’t have a great track record but I want to be wrong. I do appreciate this thread and hope as more people who have experienced CSA speak about it (even anonymously online) parents start to understand what to look out for. For me it’s that adult that is likes kids too much, anyone that wants to be alone with your kid should be watched and as people have said upthread, safe words, not being told to cuddle adults, communication lines open, understanding not all adults have good intentions even if they seem nice at first (I liked the film frozen for this). I realise that when it’s a father that is a different situation but where possible we can use our experiences to protect kids.

You sound so caring and reflective OP. I have a hunch that your daughter will be just fine by having you as a mum. Well done x

Well done OP, you've handled this brilliantly and are taking all the right steps for yourself and your DC.
Something unexpected for me, is as my dc approaches my age of a similar trauma that I felt I dealt with, seeing her youth and innocence reminds me of it and I realize maybe I haven't. This was incredibly useful for me to start to process some of these feelings, thank you for posting and being so open.
Sending you lots of positive wishes.

Sadly I agree with you.

If you agree to a sleepover, you are agreeing to trust the father, any visiting neighbours or friends any older brothers and their friends - there is no way of doing any kind of accurate risk assessment for this.

Since I've become an adult, three people locally have turned out to be something so different to what they appeared at the time. They held positions of huge responsibility relating to children. It is chilling.

You are not dealing with ordinary people. You are factoring in the predator who looks out for these opportunities and is incredibly good at appearing like an ordinary person. That's not paranoid. That's just the reality the a child abuser. Many people who work with abused children won't allow their own children to go on sleepovers because this is when it often happens, even though it is probably still an incredibly rare event. But like moving a boyfriend into the family home, it's a decision that increases the level of risk.

I allow sleepovers with cousins because I'm aware that they're an important experience and we are a close family. I know my brothers' histories. While I can't be entirely certain, I am as sure as I can be that they are safe.

Well done OP.

You have to be cautious with people, I'm sure most parents feel the same..

I am glad she is going to the sleepover, knowing how much she is loved.

As much as I said I wasn't going to respond further. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your kind words- I really needed reminding of that- at such this delicate time. I knew my reasons and actions were very justified, but I had a small sense that I was failing my children, by being too over protective. That's a horrible place to be in when I know it's coming from a place of love.

I am often told I'm kind and too honest for my own good! But that's an issue, as I like to see the good in all people, until I'm forced not to. I'm not naive and I'm very observant.

My DD and her friends are very excited- they were planning to do a power point presentation to convince me! xx

I had to respond back to you and your honesty about your own experience and I'm truly sorry.

But you hit the nail right on the head!
My DD'S are at the age that I was when we were forced to live away from our mother and my middle child, the daughter in question is at the age when my sister was beginning to become groomed. So in turn I'm seeing the reality of how vulnerable we were as children and it has recently forced all of that repressed trauma to resurface and it's not nice. I think that's what's forced me to now confront it and begin to heal from something deeply traumatic, that I thought I was coping with. xx

Thank you all for your responses. I promise you I'm not unreasonable! Just to give a slight insight, coming up to 3 years soon, we lost our older sister to cancer and yet I don't fear death and cancer. I'm very logical about this. I know the two are not the same, but it has been very interesting, to see how I'm just about able to handle some trauma- like the reality of loosing my sister to a terminal illness and yet this csa trauma, is something that has had the ability to almost make me break.

I think to be very honest with all the traumas we have had to endure over the years- I never really gave thought to the impact of what happened with our younger sister- as I could only handle one trauma at a time.

I'm a very strong person (if I do say so myself!) But I think a lot of the strength has come from being in survival mode- which is a very exhausting place to be.

For everyone who commented- I'm so beyond grateful, you truly do not understand the impact, you have all had on me. I will save this post- not to revisit my trauma- just for support for when I need a moment of clarity.

For anyone who I've triggered, I am so very sorry. xx

I'm sorry for what your sister went through but you can't let it affect your decisions regarding your daughter. Some of my best early teen memories are sleepovers with my friends... We were a group of 5 and switched houses constantly, sleepovers were brilliant. Your daughter is missing out on that.

Apologies op, I just saw your updates. All the best.

You had no chance! I think you have done the right thing. Try and relax now. And come back here on the sleepover night if you need support!

Thanks for the update OP. It sounds like you made a great choice for your family and yourself. All the best for the future.

OP I totally understand and this POV to sleepovers is not uncommon.

I was the victim of CSA at around your daughters age (although different circumstances, my parents practically laid me on a plate owing to their own naivety) and I scrutinise every situation like you are. My children are 3 and 6 and have slept around close family. Me and my DH both feel the same and tbh I would never write ANYONE off as a risk towards my children - because a perpetrator can be ANYONE. I’ve had to think carefully about sleep overs at my siblings. I don’t really like my children staying with PIL but realise I’ve no grounds to refuse, other than my own insecurities.

I think educating your daughter about people acting strangely and how to react and what to do in such a circumstance might be a better path than an outright ban - you can’t avoid it
forever so the most you can do long term is try and equip her as much as possible.

It’s really difficult though OP, I totally get it. My DH doesn’t even really like dropping off for play dates.

My friends dad abused her niece when he stayed and the entire family was in the house with him. You can really never be certain, you just have to mitigate the risk.

I’m British Indian and never went to sleepovers. Actually my friends mentioned it a few times but no one actually had one. It just didn’t seem to be a ‘thing’ when I was growing up in the 80s.

I have a 13 year old DD. She has never been and never will go to a sleepover. I don’t care what anyone thinks. The danger is too great.

I would consider it if there were no men in the house. But unfortunately men ARE a potential threat and I will do everything possible to keep my DD safe.

Are you also going to wrap her up in cotton wool every time she steps over the front door?

I think you're dead right. We had a no sleepover policy in our house too.
There is no need for kids to sleep at other people's homes. Especially when you don't know them very well.
There is nothing wrong with this IMO.

Just ridiculous. Don't expect her to cope well at uni then -- talk about throwing her in the deep end.

I went to uni and coped perfectly well thanks. So did all my other friends at uni from an Asian background. Sleepovers are not a part of our culture.

We still manage to function perfectly well as adults without the experience of sleepovers 😀

Strongly disagree with this. @LadyFriend's DD will likely be fine at uni or wherever else she ends up. Moving to another city is not something you practice by sleeping at your best friend's house at age 12.

OP you sound less distressed already, which is brilliant. I think the suggestion you've had for EMDR sounds good, though other therapies are available. Your brain has done a heap of processing this over the last few days. I maintain it's completely fine to hold whatever boundaries you feel are right for your kids - but this one was clearly distressing you and it is great that you are feeling a bit better.

I am from the Indian subcontinent too. We had sleepovers in the 80s!!