Refusing sleepovers *childhood abuse warning

[WishingIcouldbenormal]

Hi

I need some support with this and I'm not particularly sure where to put this thread.

This may be long, but not to drip feed. I have changed username for this because I don't feel comfortable posting under my normal name.

I have a 12 DD who will be turning 13 later this year.

She has recently asked to go to a close school friends sleepover with another friend. Initially I had said yes after much inner thoughts and turmoil. But then yesterday I told her no. The friends mother had texted me yesterday giving details of the plan. After 3 hours of constant debate with myself I then told my DD and the friends mum no to the sleepover, but she's fine to do the movie part. Then she can meet back up with her friends the next day to go into town. I know it sounds a bit half ass but please bear with me. My DD thinks I'm mean and I'm making her miss out. She thinks that I don't trust her, I've explained to her that I do trust her, it's others around her I have an issue with. I have said to her that once she's older then I can ease up. So far I have kept to my word on other rules I have in place for my children and their ages to access or do things.

I have always had a no sleepover policy, but have hosted sleepovers at our house. I know I sound contradicting, but I will explain why. I won't go into everything but a quick breakdown.

• My sister was abused by our "father" from the ages of 15-17. This only stopped because I confronted the situation and it was revealed.

The impact of this has meant that I have an adult sister who battles psychosis caused by cannabis to block out the trauma. I have seen first hand what child hood abuse can do to a person. It doesn't stop just because the age changed.

-At the time of confrontation this changed the way I parented my three children. I became very aware of others and hypervilgant. I am becoming more better now.

The impact meant that I refused to send my daughters to nursery until they could speak quite clearly. We are quite sheltered in our lives and I don't send them to others homes- unless they are certain members of my family. I am learning to be less strict about the fashion sense that tween and teen girls like to wear.

I've recently allowed my DD to spend time at the friend's in question house in the day,during the weekend and then she's back home again. This took a long time for me to even do a simple thing like that. I'm very aware that abuse can happen anytime, not just during sleepovers. I wish to God I could be more logical and less scared.

Logically, I know deep down sleepovers are fun and meant to be normal. But for every 5 nice stories I've read during my inner turmoil. There were at least 5 more warning about the realities of abuse.

I am aware that this friend in question lives with both her parents and I think that's why I'm slightly more hesitant. Admittedly I don't believe every male is like that- I have an adult son and plenty of respectable male relatives. But my father was seen as respectable and a decent person. But he was the devil himself. I don't believe every male/ female is like that. But why put the risk there.

I want to be a "normal" parent- who doesn't see everything through the eyes of potential abuse and I don't believe that everybody is like that. But unfortunately too many times there is a demon who reminds me that evil does exist.

I have never told my DD's the reality of our estranged "father" as I think children should be as innocent, as they can. They don't need to be exposed to the harsh side of life.

Even if it's not sa, I'm mindful of parent dynamics, as there was a case years ago of the little child who was killed at a sleepover by the friends mother ex partner.

Given time I know that one day I will have to allow that moment of a sleepover to happen, but I'm very worried that the one day or instance can change our whole lives.

I just want to feel less threatened as a parent and not push my adult eyes onto my children.

I am currently at work, but this is having such an impact on me at the moment, so will not be able to respond to any replies (if any) until later.

Thank you if you've read so far.

Good that you are going back to therapy. And what about your daughter? Is she going to her sleepover?
Massively unfair of you if not.

When the worst has happened in a family it's natural to be cautious and scared. You've dealt with SA and murder.

You are very aware. You know you are struggling to get the balance between protection and promoting independence right.

I really recommend some more counselling preferably from a charity that supports survivors and their family members.

Your balance between protection and promoting independence will not look like others. That is OK. You just need to find a balance that is right for and your child.

OP, please also remember that your daughter is not as vulnerable as your sister was - she has an engaged aware parent who has told her about possible dangers and told her she can talk to you about anything. This is an incredibly strong protective factor for her. Anything you can do the engender a sense of confidence in her will also help. Good luck.

FWIW, if you have experienced childhood trauma, its very common for it the come back up and need to be reviewed again as your own children grow up. Its no a failure or a set back, its just the processing goes in stages. I wish you all the best.

I voted YABU, because you’re not being fair to your DD. But I’m torn, as I really get where you’re coming from. My DSis and I both went through CSA at the hands of our F and others, which has left both of us damaged in ways that we are still having to deal with today. So yes, I get why you’re anxious, especially after what happened to your sister.

However, you do need to give her the chance to grow up and enjoy spending time with her friends at their house.

These are brilliant. Thank you for sharing!!

Edit: forgot to add what I wanted to say to op. First of all I'm so sorry for your experiences and I totally understand why you are so worried. I had lots of sleepovers as a child (and nothing badever happened). They are lots of fun but if they make you that uncomfortable I don't think they are essential. The question is though are sleep overs the only thing where you are letting your trauma restrict your children's life?

The problem is that you cannot fully protect your children without harming them. As a parent you have to take some carefully considered but real risks to allow your children to grow and develop and to allow them to have a happy and fulfilled childhood. What risks you are comfortable with is up to you (to an extent). Missing out on sleepovers isn't a big deal but living with a mum that you know is anxious every time you are not in front of her is a big deal and it's damaging (Not saying at all that is the case in your family.)

@Circumferences - not sure that’s true. Whether targeting their children’s friends or not, the following is a true story. (T/W)

It’s distressing so feel free to skip by.

A friend of mine’s elderly DM stayed overnight as a young girl at her friends house. The Father didn’t know she was in the room. An hour after they went to bed, he walks in to the room, erect penis in hand, approaching his daughter’s bed. Mercifully friend’s DM is still awake and sits bolt upright in bed, not realising what she’s witnessing and cheerily calls out “hello Uncle X!”. Mercifully he scarpered.

But you never know, and that was clearly a regular pattern of abuse in that family. God love the poor daughter.

My DS is 5, and he won’t be going to sleepovers. If he goes on Beavers camp etc I’ll volunteer to go. We don’t have babysitters outside of immediate family (who we trust, v aware most abuse is in families).

No, you can’t protect them from everything, but it’s perfectly fine for individual families to have rules about what they do and don’t allow.

Have you stats on this?

Update-

Thank you all so much for your responses and insights. It was very insightful to get outside opinions.

I'm very tired this morning due to having such strong emotions and triggers regarding this.

I decided yesterday to allow my DD to go to the sleepover. I've explained to my DD without going into depth that I was very cautious, as somebody that I knew was harmed by someone else and I loved her and wanted to protect her too much. She seemed to understand as my children, are very aware of my rules and mindset. They're not sheltered to the point- that they don't understand anything about life.
We discussed keeping safe and code words. She is to call at me any time.

I've spoken with the mother about my rule. I didn't go into depth. She was very understanding and explained that the sleepovers take place at their house as she is unsure of others homes herself! She did also explain that she was anxious when the time came to rotate the sleepovers! So this seems to be quite the norm of parents normal worries. Thank goodness!

I realized that honestly there was never going to be a right time- when I felt comfortable. But like everything else with my children- I had to jump the hurdle and now I'm surprised, at how reluctant I was initially, as I'm used to them being independent and more aware.

Like I stated in a previous post- I will definitely be self referring myself at some point today back to therapy. As I refuse to continue to live like this.

It's a very hard fact to realize that a trauma that happened nearly 16 years ago to someone else, has the ability to evoke such strong emotions, as if it had just happened. I refuse to allow that demon's actions to continue to take over my life like this, however I'm still very mindful and cautious. But I feel slightly more relaxed now.

Edited- to add that the sleepover is still 2 weeks away and I couldn't continue feeling like this- stuck in a state of trauma for the next 2 weeks. I've been driving myself mad for the past 3 days now!

This is exactly what I was going to say. You need to help your children become "street wise" regarding the behaviour and red warning flags of abusive adults. Wrapping them.in cotton wool will will make them more vulnerable to abuse not less.

Well done indeed!

Well done OP, that's brilliant. I love that you were open with the other mother, too.

Great update, well done!

Good luck Wishing. It is brave of you to do this - you are not wrong to have this rule, in practice I think most people who work in social work have this rule for their kids. But you are right there has to be a point at which you give your kids more independence, you know your kids best and maybe this is time to try it out and other Mum sounds like she is on same page and won't minimise your worries.

Probably make sure she will let your DD keep her phone with her. I know it's poor sleep hygiene but the safety aspect is most important here.

Thank you! She works with children like me, so she was very understanding. I work within a school, so we are required to undertake safe guarding training and even then I find certain aspects very triggering. But I manage to hold it together as much as i can. It funny how the body can remember, what the mind tries to forget.

I realized that posting on here was the first time I've spoken about this trauma to others who don't know- since 2023 and only because I spoke to the therapist.

Prior to that I last spoke about this with a friend in 2018 and that was first-time since 2009. I just don't pay attention to it. As it such a hard box to open. I'm very matter of fact about it and logically when discussing amongst my family when needed.

But now I'm here being "forced" to face what are very real and legitimate concerns- that for all these years i thought I was managing. I realized the hold this has had on me, even if I didn't think it was.

I know it's tough op but you are doing the right thing. As well as protecting our dc we also are equipping them for the next stage if their lives, teaching them how to take care of themselves and crucially thread the signs so as to avoid situations that will put them at risk. Make sure she's aware (not just this time but always) if she is uncomfortable at a social event you will fetch her, even 2am (I've fetched mine at unearthly hours before the lads started smoking pot or other drugs were brought out, mine are very anti drugs). Also keep a dialogue open so she can discuss things she is worried about.

I've seen the flip side, really naive youngsters turning up at university and getting into trouble because they don't have the advanced social skills and have been over protected. It's a fine line we all work and I'm pleased mine are now on the other side as independent adults! Take care

I'm sorry about your sister. Sleepovers with a group of friends is very different to sleeping alone and living in the same house as an abuser.

When will she be able to go on a sleepover? Never? I knew someone who has strict parents. They wanted to know where she was at all times and kept checking in on her. Banned her from sleepovers. She ended up rebelling and became a wild child at 15/16. Drinking, drugs, one night stands etc. Children are more likely to rebel if they feel that their parents don't trust them and are really strict.

I feel similarly about sleepovers.

Try put your fear to the side.

You can damage DD by scaring her. I regret being too cautious as my 16 y.o DD is very nervous.

I allowed sleepovers but outlined situations that she needed to be cautious of.

You need to get some EMDR. I suspect you might have PTSD. It is not normal.to feel this terrified about sexual abuse of children. Please get some help.

Great news OP. I’m not sure traumatic experiences are ever really managed. I thought I had managed mine till I felt a family member was a threat to my child and I was spun right in to a hyper vigilante trauma hell. It can just rear its head. You’ve been really brave and you are doing the best thing for your daughter, I hope you find some comfort soon sounds like a tough few days.

You're absolutely right! It's not normal to have this level of fear, but it's also not right, that this fear was forced on me.

Hearing and being aware of abuse is very different to having to actually deal with it.

Thank you and I'm sorry for your trauma too.

For me it's always locked in a box and then, every so often I'm forced to confront these fears. Unfortunately for the past 3 days I've been stuck in a hyper state of trauma and I recognise that's not normal and it may be time to pry the box, open a bit at a time.

I totally agree. No one should ever be exposed to sexual abuse and the police need to take any hint of this sort of behaviour far more seriously than they currently do.
However, as someone with PTSD myself, EMDR has had a profound impact on my previous hypervigillance and constant absolute feeling that I was about to die. I am not talking about not being careful and a good parent, I am talking about you not feeling terrified every second of every day.

Omg, sleepovers are absolutely not required for normal development.
they are fun but that’s it.
I didn’t have any sleepovers until I was 15 and it didn’t do me any damage - I am very independent

people writing about “projection” are sticking their heads in the sand, it is absolutely real risk of a sleepover and there is PLENTY of information about it

Rehardless of EMDR or no emdr. They are your kids and it's your decision.