Refusing sleepovers *childhood abuse warning

[WishingIcouldbenormal]

Hi

I need some support with this and I'm not particularly sure where to put this thread.

This may be long, but not to drip feed. I have changed username for this because I don't feel comfortable posting under my normal name.

I have a 12 DD who will be turning 13 later this year.

She has recently asked to go to a close school friends sleepover with another friend. Initially I had said yes after much inner thoughts and turmoil. But then yesterday I told her no. The friends mother had texted me yesterday giving details of the plan. After 3 hours of constant debate with myself I then told my DD and the friends mum no to the sleepover, but she's fine to do the movie part. Then she can meet back up with her friends the next day to go into town. I know it sounds a bit half ass but please bear with me. My DD thinks I'm mean and I'm making her miss out. She thinks that I don't trust her, I've explained to her that I do trust her, it's others around her I have an issue with. I have said to her that once she's older then I can ease up. So far I have kept to my word on other rules I have in place for my children and their ages to access or do things.

I have always had a no sleepover policy, but have hosted sleepovers at our house. I know I sound contradicting, but I will explain why. I won't go into everything but a quick breakdown.

• My sister was abused by our "father" from the ages of 15-17. This only stopped because I confronted the situation and it was revealed.

The impact of this has meant that I have an adult sister who battles psychosis caused by cannabis to block out the trauma. I have seen first hand what child hood abuse can do to a person. It doesn't stop just because the age changed.

-At the time of confrontation this changed the way I parented my three children. I became very aware of others and hypervilgant. I am becoming more better now.

The impact meant that I refused to send my daughters to nursery until they could speak quite clearly. We are quite sheltered in our lives and I don't send them to others homes- unless they are certain members of my family. I am learning to be less strict about the fashion sense that tween and teen girls like to wear.

I've recently allowed my DD to spend time at the friend's in question house in the day,during the weekend and then she's back home again. This took a long time for me to even do a simple thing like that. I'm very aware that abuse can happen anytime, not just during sleepovers. I wish to God I could be more logical and less scared.

Logically, I know deep down sleepovers are fun and meant to be normal. But for every 5 nice stories I've read during my inner turmoil. There were at least 5 more warning about the realities of abuse.

I am aware that this friend in question lives with both her parents and I think that's why I'm slightly more hesitant. Admittedly I don't believe every male is like that- I have an adult son and plenty of respectable male relatives. But my father was seen as respectable and a decent person. But he was the devil himself. I don't believe every male/ female is like that. But why put the risk there.

I want to be a "normal" parent- who doesn't see everything through the eyes of potential abuse and I don't believe that everybody is like that. But unfortunately too many times there is a demon who reminds me that evil does exist.

I have never told my DD's the reality of our estranged "father" as I think children should be as innocent, as they can. They don't need to be exposed to the harsh side of life.

Even if it's not sa, I'm mindful of parent dynamics, as there was a case years ago of the little child who was killed at a sleepover by the friends mother ex partner.

Given time I know that one day I will have to allow that moment of a sleepover to happen, but I'm very worried that the one day or instance can change our whole lives.

I just want to feel less threatened as a parent and not push my adult eyes onto my children.

I am currently at work, but this is having such an impact on me at the moment, so will not be able to respond to any replies (if any) until later.

Thank you if you've read so far.

Abuse at sleepovers is absolutely not "rife"!!! What on earth are you talking about?!

No, but that is why I wasn't sure why she was okay with her DD being there during the day but not at night. What is the difference other than other children and adults being awake and more likely to notice something is happening?

I am sorry this happened to you, OP.

In general, sleepovers being forbidden, is something I have only come across on here. My kids were having at least one sleepover a week from the age of seven. They are now at university. Some of their best memories have been from sleepovers.

I don’t know if we were lucky or not, but everybody we know supported sleepovers. And my kids were young in the 2000s. I don’t know if parents are more cautious now?

OP you sound really reflective and kind. It would be a good idea to loosen the reins a little I think. Your daughter feels safe and loved, and I am sure you have taught her about boundaries.

My mum was super strict and anxious and didn’t let me go on any theme park rides. So I missed out during a school trip to Blackpool in the eighties and was embarrassed and felt humiliated. I still feel angry about it even though it happened when I was 11 and am now 55.

Agree with everyone else.

Sorry OP. What your sister went through was horrendous and understandably now makes you extremely fearful of men around your child. But you can't project this onto your DD.

You're not "protecting" her by making her stay at home. She won't understand why she isn't allowed to be the same as her friends and will eventually start to go behind your back if you keep restricting her.

It's similar to the poster who was terrified of plane travel so didn't want their teen child to go on a school trip. Or the one who was scared of big cities so tried to stop their 15 year old going to London with their friends.

These never end well as the kids will do what they want to do regardless but will ultimately just do it behind your back as they know you won't agree.

OP there are plenty of parents without a history of family trauma who also do not allow sleepovers. This is sometimes because one them works in a field that brings them into contact with CSA cases and they note the patterns.
So while you may feel that your reaction comes from emotions (and therefore we're told to override it) just know there are people making the same decision who have simply weighed up the risk and found it unacceptable.
If you want to work on this then do so, but not because you're being told to by others.

I don't think you are unreasonable. Sleepovers with people you trust, maybe. Sleepovers with people you don't know are a bigger risk. Unless your child has a phone, a get me out of here no questions asked permission and a good education on how to listen to your gut and recognise a boundary pusher, I'd be concerned. You aren't wrong about the impact of trauma when it is unresolved. The only thing we can do is prepare our children for these encounters and if your child is not prepared I'd be on your side.

I’ve only come across it once in real life - one of DD’s close friends had particularly uptight + snobby parents. Their DD was only allowed to sleep over at someone’s house if their dad had what they classed as a ‘good’ job, in other words if they weren’t a doctor, dentist, solicitor or in our case a pilot then their DD wasn’t staying. Absolute madness! 🤣 I often think that they got the idea off MN.

Yes, very important point of course.

This.

And you need to challenge your interpretation of online "data" that you're gathering. You say there are an equal number of positive and negative stories online. I've never published a story but I've had loads of sleepovers that were fine.

Nobody publishes stories about runof the mill, uneventful stuff. Millions of car journeys take place safely every day but we probably all know someone who has had an accident. That doesn't make a car accident likely, nor does it rule out risk, but it certainly doesn't occur to the extent that it is rational to avoid being in a car.

Sleepovers are a hassle because your child won’t sleep and will be tired the next day. It’s fine to say to them.

Stick to your guns. There are so many professionals working in the police or healthcare who refuse to allow their children to go to sleepovers because of the stories they hear. My children will not be attending sleepovers.

I went on sleepovers from age 5 and I loved them. Maybe you can compromise by picking your child up at 11pm?

I know many will say that YABU, but honestly I don't think you are. I won't go into the whys but I was a vigilant as you when my dds were young. I only let my youngest stay at her friend's house because her mum was a single mum, no men in the house. Whether it was fair or unfair, I don't care. My dds made it to adulthood without being assaulted or abused.

So sorry about the trauma you and your sister endured. I also wonder why you are posting? Do you want to be talked out of your parenting style? Well, I will give you a different answer to most people on here. I’ve endured things that are 1 in a million happen to my family; I won’t go in detail but it has definitely affected the way I parent. I see things similar to you. I weigh up my decisions with a risk and reward ratio. Does the risk outweigh the reward?

I’ve always felt pressured by other parents into doing things I’m uncomfortable with. I do what is best for my kids even though they are much younger than yours (babies practically.) I am a SAHM so my kids don’t have to go nursery until they can speak clearly. I take them everywhere: playgroups, soft play, it’s all fine as long as I can make sure they are alright. And I still get criticism. You’re their mom for a reason. Who will protect your kid if you won’t? I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job.

Keep hosting at your house if you truly aren’t comfortable. More frequently perhaps because your daughter definitely deserves it. Nobody can guarantee to you something won’t happen but you have to weigh up the risk to reward. But are you prepared for that decision?

I can’t really make a link between a risk of abuse by a family member and the scenario where a 12 year old is sleeping in her friend’s room and the friend’s Dad abuses her. How on earth would the situation arise without his daughter witnessing it? Are you thinking that there may already be abuse going on in this family? I’m so sorry for what your sister went through but you can’t go through life assuming all men are abusers.

I agree wtih mosy of what you have said
My son didnt start nursery until he could speak clearly
He is able to socialise as he pleases but not allowed to stay at friends houses, bar one, who is my best friend. He can stay with family and goes one a fortnight for a sleepover

Very gently and respectfully OP - yes, you are parenting from a place of fear. While understandable it is restrictive of your children and at some point, they will become frustrated by that. I believe you when you say you will loosen up when she is older. But I am afraid that the day when you feel comfortable will never come. I hope you can find some support for yourself as you work out how to allow more leeway for your DD.

This stood out

I think children should be as innocent, as they can. They don't need to be exposed to the harsh side of life.

Again, respectfully, over protecting and shielding children is not helpful - you need to be helping them develop skills for themselves. You would be better having discussions about the dangers life can pose in an age appropriate way rather than protecting your children to this extent.

I am sorry this happened in your family. I hope you can work this out.

Shes 12? Let her go

The problem you have with being too strict is that your dd will push back, she will also resent you and eventually lie about where she is.

At 12 a sleepover at a friends house is completely normal, enjoyable childhood experience.

You have been v unreasonable which you know already....

This is bound to happen as well OP. I had strict parents as did my friend. We snuck out late at night to meet boys, at 12 I said I was going to the nearby cinema and went all the way across the city, “sleepovers” with trusted friends were actually partys with underage drinking. Teenagers will be teenagers whether we like it or not and this will be the case if you are strict or not. But the more rules my parents put in place the more I tried to break them.

This is definitely not true! Know plenty of children from all cultures including Indian families who have sleep overs, some even primary school age!

I am very sorry about what happened to you. There are some horrible people and the world can sometimes be a dangerous place. But we have to live in it and we have to assess risk sensibly and not see danger around every corner.

I think you know you are being unfair to your daughter who if you don't change will find live very difficult when she is older as she hasn't experienced the same as her peers now she could also rebel when she is a bit older if you don't relax and let her live a little.

For your sake and for hers I think you need to get some counselling to help you deal with your past trauma. At the moment you are projecting all your anxiety onto your daughter and not allowing her to have a normal childhood.

My mum didn't allow sleepovers for a similar reason, although I wasn't aware of why until I was older. I don't feel I've missed out by it, sleepovers aren't a necessity. She did allow me to go on overnight school trips.

I know a police officer working in child protection. Their child isn't allowed sleepovers either, which suggests to me your concern isn't entirely misplaced.

I work in safeguarding op and I fully understand why you'd say no to sleepovers up to this point. However I think at 13, your dd is at the age where with a bit of prep work you can equip her to keep herself safe in that type of setting.

I'd have a talk about boundaries, and gut instincts, about how what feels comfortable and what doesn't feel comfortable doesn't need to make sense and make a plan, eg keep a charged mobile with her and agree a code that she can use which will prompt you to collect her immediately without having to say she wants to leave. It could be "I forgot to pack xyz" and then you know to turn up and 'be the bad guy' and collect her because she didn't do her homework or whatever excuse you see fit to give. If they take her phone she can say she's homesick and wants to call home or that she feels sick.

The key is that it doesn't matter what makes her feel uncomfortable or why she wants to come home, you have given her the tools to contact you and you'll get her straight away.

I think it's worth exploring if you feel she is sensible enough that she can use those tools.